Amee Flynn page 2

Amee says:
Steve I feel happy to see you
steve says:
hi
steve says:
i just woke up
Amee says:
Ahh, that feeling. I know what it's like.. Wanna get woken up before I bother you?
steve says:
lol
steve says:
it would be hard to imagine u being a bother
Amee says:
lol
Amee says:
Well, I can be overenthusiastic at times. I think in anime terms - teen Japanese Animation girls are likely to break into friends' houses and make breakfast, waking them up with loud singing & stuff
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
This is why you do not lend Amee your keys.
steve says:
i c

steve says:
yes.... so how have u been feeling since we last talked
Amee says:
Hmmm...well, we went into town today and I felt really enthusiastic about that]
Amee says:
It wasn't really a big thing but it was an opportunity to see the outside world
Amee says:
I got a couple things I needed, including face-washing stuff and hot chocolate
Amee says:
(Girls - and some guys - consider chocolate a "need" )
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
I felt a little bit...pushed away a couple times with Rich, cos I'd point things out, and he'd say we shouldn't spend too much money
Amee says:
Honestly, I'd just like to look at things and have fun
Amee says:
I don't have to buy everything I see
Amee says:
But I told him how I felt and he said he didn't mean it like that, so I felt better
Amee says:
Felt really anxious before going to the bus stop, because there's a woman there who claims to be homeless and hassles me for money. She's got a kid with her who seems very unhappy
steve says:
k
Amee says:
I feel kinda guilty for not giving her the £30 some pounds she wanted...but know I shouldn't have to, so I'm pretty much not paying *too* much attention to that worry.
Amee says:
I know why already, anyway. She reminds me of my dad and I love my dad.
steve says:
k
Amee says:
Still I feel foolish because I gave her the mobile number to get her off my back
Amee says:
I've left it switched off for 3 days
Amee says:
I feel like a pushover - but then I've always done things like that. I let people cut in front of me in school lunch lines
steve says:
hmm
Amee says:
I feel a little worried that I'm treating you like my psychiatrist when you're not even getting paid. I'm used to helping others, not talking their ears off
steve says:
lol
steve says:
u can pay me later when u are rich
Amee says:
lol...you think that'll happen?
steve says:
rich with happiness
Amee says:
^_^ - how can I pay you with that? Just giving you the satisfaction of knowing you helped?
steve says:
lol
steve says:
do you feel a little undeserving of my time/attention
Amee says:
Yes
steve says:
or lets say how deserving do you feel 0-10?
Amee says:
4
steve says:
k
steve says:
interesting
Amee says:
When I hit teen years I spent a lot of time saying "Woe is me" and "you'll never understand" type stuff. I feel like I've "spent" all of my deserving points already
Amee says:
I kind of try to ration it now, and earn more by helping people
steve says:
k
steve says:
how good do you feel about yourself 0-10
Amee says:
8 is the first number that comes to mind
Amee says:
I don't really discredit myself as much as...want to get good things done
Amee says:
And that means I don't like to faulter. I like to keep going without having to worry about myself
steve says:
k
steve says:
but how good do u feel about urself iin general these days from 0-10
Amee says:
In general...I feel pretty low lately. 2...I feel like I think about sex too much. I feel a bit less supported and valued at home than I'd like, I feel like I can't always be myself in this new culture
Amee says:
I feel unattractive and unloved a lot, but I think that may be hugely because of my childhood
steve says:
k
steve says:
i am sorry to hear that, but encouraged that you can tell me
Amee says:
I feel guilty and upset that I couldn't help those kids more. What good is a carer who can't even protect the kids?
steve says:
how guilty
steve says:
0-10
Amee says:
9. I spoke to the college and you about it. Your posting the story brings it down to about 7
steve says:
k
steve says:
now ask yourself what else you can do to help yourself feel less guilty, what more can you do now, or in the future?
steve says:
i suggest just close your eyes
steve says:
talk to your amygdala like i used to ask my "amy" what would help her feel better
Amee says:
I've thought about this before. I want to contact the Child Protection agency thing
Amee says:
I have the phone number somewhere
steve says:
k
Amee says:
Monday would be good because I'm not in college
Amee says:
I mean, I could even tell them the circumstances without the names...get their advice
steve says:
yep
Amee says:
After that I consider following that advice completely legal.
steve says:
k
steve says:
anything else you could do to help u feel better
Amee says:
I've wanted to do this since I started working there...I'd like to get photos of the children and do cartoon pictures of each of them
steve says:
then what
Amee says:
Silly, I know, but they'd be proud if I made a gift of it for the head teacher to hand out
Amee says:
It'd be an undeniable way for them to know I spent time on *them* ... They could feel individual, special, cared for
Amee says:
And then they also wouldn't forget the "nicest teacher"
Amee says:
I feel afraid that any messages of love & encouragement might be drowned out by a largely uncaring world. I don't want that to happen
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
i just had an idea
steve says:
maybe you could say you want to keep track of all the kids you teach as they grow up
steve says:
and that way get their names
steve says:
then in a year contact them somehow
Amee says:
*nods*
Amee says:
They'd still be with that school tho
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
but you could say you just want to do cartoons of them each year and give them to them
steve says:
individually
steve says:
after a while you would have just a few that you stay in touch with
Amee says:
Yeah I could do that...
steve says:
i figure in each class there might be 1-3 kids you stay in touch with.
steve says:
those will be the ones who most need u
steve says:
and who will be most likely to make a difference in the world later
steve says:
kwim?
Amee says:
Yeah
Amee says:
From 0-10, how much do you think colourful, hand written, personal letters would help these kids?
steve says:
right now probably low, under 5, but in the long run for a few kids it will be a way of solidifying your connnection with them. over ten-20 years i would say it couild be 8-9 for a few kids
Amee says:
Over time, would you mind prepping me up a bit on validating others? I understand it'll be a lifetime practice, but having a good mentor could help a lot
steve says:
did u already read my page on it
steve says:
eqi.org/valid
Amee says:
Reading now...somehow I missed that one! Aaah!
steve says:
k
Amee says:
BTW, I've been meaning to ask you...there's a little girl in the nursery of that school. She has a regular habit of poking, nipping, pushing, and generally badgering other children. The nursery staff are quite nice, and have tried everything they could think of - one day they resorted to keeping her in during outside play, which is a big treat for them
Amee says:
What practical ways could you suggest for helping this child to feel validated *and* learn not to attack others?
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
trying to figure out why she is so agressive..
steve says:
what her unmet emotional needs are
steve says:
figuring out what is happening in the family
Amee says:
*nods*
steve says:
telling her you are afraid she will push away friends
Amee says:
Would you suggest the "Mother gave me a self view as..." activity? (She's only 4 but I think most of them could handle it, with personal contact)
steve says:
hmm, try it and let me know...

steve says:
hey why do u call urself dead girl
Amee says:
Yay!
Amee says:
Named after a song by a band I like
Amee says:
Another of my nicks is Cryptess
Amee says:
Vaguely translating to "hidden death girl"
Amee says:
Teen angst. Got attached to the characters it made for me, and haven't shaken them off since
steve says:
what the hell is teen angst
Amee says:
hehe...Well, people call it that.
Amee says:
Dad used to call me a "misery chick"
steve says:
nice
Amee says:
The general idea is that at a certain age - usually 13/14 - a lot of teens decide they've seen all the pain and suffering in the world, they understand it better than anyone else, and they can't stand life. They threaten suicide & cut themselves, but never actually "go the full distance", they write "angst poetry", and they refuse a good amount of help from others.
Amee says:
Thing people don't realise is that society causes it.
Amee says:
It makes sense that an invalidated teenager will think s/he understands pain better than others, because nobody else seems to believe them
Amee says:
This makes them feel hurt and alone, and they try to do things to get people to realise what pain means to them.
Amee says:
They just want it fixed and stopped, but you know what school councellors and such do for kids. They say shit like "I'm putting you into a personal effectiveness course, and I can't help you if you won't help yourself"
Amee says:
All they need say is "I care. Need some support?"
Amee says:
But they don't...
steve says:
fuck amee
steve says:
u are good
Amee says:
Hmm?
Amee says:
Thanks
steve says:
u have a lot of value insided your pretty little head
Amee says:
Well, I'm one of the kids who thrived after leaving the "dark tunnel". So I can understand how I felt, and what I needed
steve says:
yep
steve says:
u explain it very well
steve says:
i just want to stop everything else i am doing and work with you all day
Amee says:
I don't even really know how I survived. All I can put it down to is those "childhood beliefs" of mine
Amee says:
lol
Amee says:
Well, I'm a damn snappy html editor. I could help you with your site a bit
Amee says:
BTW, you might be able to use a link graphic for your website; want?
steve says:
i don't like graphics
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
lol
steve says:
it is against my principles
steve says:
too fucking many on the net
steve says:
too much pretty stuff and not enough content
steve says:
kwim?
Amee says:
Yep
steve says:
so i want to go the other direction
steve says:
lol
steve says:
no graphics!!
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
LOL
Amee says:
...You have a little man on your site. *PROD*
Amee says:
He wants people to chat with you. He is a graphic LOL
steve says:
smart aleck
Amee says:
As with all things I think there's a balance
steve says:
very profound amme
Amee says:
A page should load quickly. A site should be more than fluff
Amee says:
: )
Amee says:
So how have you been feeling
steve says:
i little bitter.
Amee says:
Why're you feeling bitter?
steve says:
old stuff probably
steve says:
lots of past rejections
steve says:
etc
steve says:
feeling kind of resentful, lonely about xxx still
steve says:
that has been a cloud over my feelings so to speak
Amee says:
*nods* Sounds like that really hurt you
steve says:
it was a huge loss
steve says:
worse than somenoe actually dying i think
steve says:
i feel robbed
Amee says:
Give 'er a while, tho. She might just feel stuck
Amee says:
She threw sand at you, remember?
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
thanks for reminding me
Amee says:
She might come around. Fear isn't as strong as love
Amee says:
These things are so bittersweet... My family wasn't always great to me but I love them anyway. Now I kind of look at them like...maimed children
Amee says:
They don't realise they're wrong. They don't realise that what they do hurts. They're just reacting to things that have affected them all their lives
Amee says:
Nobody's ever come to teach them differently
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
I don't even believe in grown-ups anymore. We are all just big. children.
steve says:
you are so wise
steve says:
i like u

steve says:
hey u know how we talked about emotional honesty.... well i was wondering how emotionally honest are u being with rich
Amee says:
Um...5? I can tell him most things, except that I feel really undervalued and underappreciated a lot, and my self-esteem is suffering
Amee says:
Maybe 4 for Rich, actually
Amee says:
I have Unmet Emotional Needs(tm)
steve says:
cute
Amee says:
I am trying to get too many met from him I think. I might need to look for other sources. There is one guy who I am really attracted to, more as a friend, but I am afraid of telling him.
Amee says:
Also, I know how precious Rich is. I know that I'm a big part of the problem - so is he. I know we need to talk and sort things out. I know we need to move out, get our own place, get jobs, get our own lives. We need to fix stresses and find a way to communicate
Amee says:
But I feel powerless to get these things
steve says:
*thinking*
steve says:
explain why u feel powerless
Amee says:
I'm dependent on Rich and his family, so I can't go out and find a flat or anything. I can't get a job because I have too much college work to get done, I can't sell my artwork because I feel that whenever I try to get proper selling material together, I can't get the lines where I want them
Amee says:
Medical problems - writing hand aches regularly, tummy hurts, I fell down about a year ago in the shopping centre and still get pains in my ankle from time to time, I might have seasonal affective disorder or something
Amee says:
I don't really know my way around here, nor can I get out without the help of someone else. I don't like going out alone because I'm prone to getting lost
Amee says:
I feel insecure when I'm alone
Amee says:
These are mostly practical reasons
steve says:
hmm
Amee says:
Also, I don't always feel I can talk to Rich about how I feel, because when I stop to listen to him, I feel so attacked
Amee says:
I try to always let him talk first, and I keep my emotions down until he's done. I tell myself "For the moment it isn't about you. Wait your turn."
Amee says:
But he always comes out with "YOU have done this, and YOU have done that"...etc. I've been trying to get his feelings stated but he always goes into what I've done
steve says:
hmmm
Amee says:
And I've tried to make a habit of saying "I'm sorry, I didn't want you to feel that way." Nod, listen, and offer hugs when he seems to need them
steve says:
k
steve says:
that is a lot on your shoulders
Amee says:
*nods* I actually get a picture in my mind of a girl, my size, with ropes tied to her. These are attached to a huge concrete block about twice her height, and she's desperately trying to pull it somewhere
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
Obviously she doesn't get far, but she keeps trying. Sometimes she just gets so frustrated, fed up, and upset, that she turns around and batters it, clawing, hitting, and kicking, and all she gets from that is bad cuts and bruises.
Amee says:
Oh, there's loud screaming as well. Of frustration and anguish.
Amee says:
It's melodramatic, but it's how I feel
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
can i make a suggestion
Amee says:
Yes please
Amee says:
(Untie the block?)
steve says:
print out this part of the convo and show it to rich
Amee says:
*nods*
steve says:
i want u to be happier amee
steve says:
*tears*
Amee says:
Then can I send him to talk to you? He's been wanting to for a while
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
sure
Amee says:
He's really a great person, he's just...well, in a similar state to me. And I think I'm the only thing close enough for him to go into fits of hysteria at
steve says:
k
steve says:
have him read validation and invalidation and listen.htm first..
steve says:
and actually the whole section on relationships in my site
steve says:
will he do that do u think
steve says:
and the section on me
steve says:
men
steve says:
men.htm
Amee says:
I think so
steve says:
k

===

later I was asking her some hard questions

Amee says:
Now you making me think!
Amee says:
meanie ;P
steve says:
lol
steve says:
i love u
Amee says:
That's the first time you've used the word "love"...it didn't make you nervous, did it?
steve says:
a little
steve says:
1
steve says:
how do feel about it
Amee says:
What about it?
steve says:
how would u feel if i said i love u
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
I feel...flattered, again, and a little pleased
steve says:
backs up tape
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
Most of my friends are on an "I love you" basis tho
steve says:
do u feel at all uncomfortable with it
Amee says:
I make a family out of my friends. I don't consider a true family to be made by blood
steve says:
0-10 how uncomf.
steve says:
agree on family thing
Amee says:
1...Only from not wanting to hurt you, depending on the context.
steve says:
k
steve says:
i dont feel afraid of being hurt by you
steve says:
okay 1
steve says:
2 maybe at the most
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
But I don't believe that others' emotions affect me without my consent
Amee says:
Or a direct action from the other person
steve says:
good pt
Amee says:
If I'm upset by another's emotions, it's actually my reaction that's hurting me
steve says:
very profound

later

Steve says:
back to the time when you were in school and liked that guy and were afraid to tell him... why were u afraid?
Amee says:
Mostly of losing what could be a good friendship
Amee says:
I don't want to lose him altogether, if you know what I mean
Amee says:
But I knew I would survive if I did
steve says:
k
steve says:
what else were u afraid of
Amee says:
Rumours. Judgements of others. Being staring at me. Calling me names.
Amee says:
Just the general fear of opening up my emotions.
Amee says:
Having my own emotions attacked after having opened up, that was the worst, because it's really, truly terrible. It is also why I am afraid to be more emotionally hoonest with Rich
Steve says:
explain why it is so bad
Amee says:
Well, because I've let somebody closer to me, as an emotional being. I've taken down a barrier, and you have to trust people to do that
Amee says:
If they throw it back, condemn you, and attack you for it, you've let them directly into a sore spot
steve says:
why is it so sore
Amee says:
Just from the fact that it's personal feelings. It doesn't have to be sore. I guess I should say "sensitive"
steve says:
actually i like the word sore
steve says:
implies u have been hurt previously
steve says:
see if you can go with that concept
steve says:
see where it leads u
Amee says:
Yeah...I guess I have
Amee says:
But it wouldn't have to be sore, y'see.
steve says:
what do u mean
Amee says:
Well, if somebody is kind, it starts to heal
Amee says:
It hurts a little while healing, because you remember what it was like before. You're getting rid of old infections and growing new flesh over it. But you know it's getting better and that feels good
Amee says:
If this is what you were hoping for, and somebody you trusted just attacked you again, it would really hurt
steve says:
how did it get sore in the first place
Amee says:
When I was a little girl I could've just went with it. Said stuff like "You're nice! I love you!" to anybody I wanted. Before being frightened out of it, children are so honest
Amee says:
Uhmm, people did the usual kind of things. Said I was too sensitive. Told me not to let things go to my head
Amee says:
I didn't have many friends as a child because my parents didn't take care of me and I had terrible personal hygiene. I remember going hungry sometimes.
Amee says:
My parents didn't seem to love me, my friends didn't seem to love me, my teachers needn't even be mentioned
Amee says:
The rest of the family said things like "You're just like your asshole father, you're just a spoilt brat"
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
I had to see my dad twitching, talking to himself, and he had bruises all over his arms
Amee says:
Mum disappeared so much, drinking and sleeping with strangers, that it seemed I didn't matter enough for her to take me with her
Amee says:
I caught 'er a couple of times with them. THAT was fun.
steve says:
no doubt
Amee says:
I feel a lot of regret. Sadness, pain. I always knew it "wasn't my fault" and I knew "what it should be like"
Amee says:
But what good were those things to me if I couldn't even get them?
steve says:
what do u mean what good were those things to you...
Amee says:
They were unreachables. I could know all I wanted about their existence in a far away land, together with the faeries and unicorns. They didn't actually change the situation I was in, and they didn't really give me any power
steve says:
k
steve says:
so u were hurt over and over and over....
Amee says:
My family let me down, my friends didn't want to hang around with me, I was called "ugly" and "stupid" and a rumour went around 3rd grade that I was retarded.
Amee says:
I couldn't have friends over because the apartment was a mess and they'd probably find dirty spoons or blood in the toilet
Amee says:
Aside from the fact that we rarely had food and dad didn't want people around to see him twitching
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
embarrassing
Amee says:
lol. His own choice tho
Amee says:
He chose twitching because of heroin over his daughter having a social life
steve says:
how do u feel as u say that
Amee says:
I pity him now. It was wrong but I can't blame him. He was weak for it.
steve says:
so lets get back to why u are scared to be emotionally honest now..
steve says:
k?
Amee says:
Oki
steve says:
tell me again why u think it is so frightening...in light of your past
Amee says:
People don't like it and they ostracise you or outwardly attack you for it
steve says:
why don't they like it
Amee says:
They think they're somehow threatened, or accused, or something
Amee says:
Often with this kind of thing there's a sort of fear or threat
Amee says:
When you tell someone how you really feel they then feel guilty, and if they're attacking you, they don't have to feel guilty because they can blame it on you
Amee says:
They want to insinuate that YOU did the wrong. YOU attacked them and they're defending themselves, or better yet, punishing a sinner
steve says:
k
steve says:
to make themselves feel better, more self-righteous?
Amee says:
Sort of. They might even believe they've been threatened.
steve says:
yeah they probably do feel threatened if they attack u
Amee says:
*nods*

steve says:
*thinking*
steve says:
seems all of the fears are related to rejection
steve says:
rejection and disaproval
Amee says:
*nods*
steve says:
and disaproval actually being a form of rejection too
steve says:
so why are u so afraid of rejection
steve says:
what does rejection feel like
Amee says:
Rejection makes you feel like you weren't good enough, or you did something wrong, and you're less and wonderful even though you tried
Amee says:
You know a puppy that gets smacked on the nose and it goes to curl up in a corner with it's head down?
Amee says:
That's rejection.
steve says:
what happens when you arent good enough as a five year old?
steve says:
when u get rejected
steve says:
by your parents, family
Amee says:
You feel like you can't go to them for support. You're bad, you feel dirty, like a mongrel
Amee says:
With another kid you might just push them and go play with someone else
steve says:
who do u go to then if u cant go to them
steve says:
where do u get your emotional needs met?
steve says:
even your physical needs
Amee says:
My pets.
steve says:
u eat them?
Amee says:
lol, no
Amee says:
I get emotional needs met by snuggling them
Amee says:
They don't judge me, they don't hurt me. Animals are nicer than people
steve says:
what about the little girl who has no pets
Amee says:
How rejected is she?
Amee says:
What have her parents done?
steve says:
lets say it is u
steve says:
but u have no pets
steve says:
did u have pets as a little girl?
Amee says:
A bunnyrabbit and some fish
steve says:
k
Amee says:
A few rabbits actually, but one at a time
steve says:
u said u sometimes went hungry didn't u
Amee says:
Yeah
steve says:
what was that like emotionally
Amee says:
Like I wasn't worth feeding
Amee says:
A bit of anger, hurt.
Amee says:
I AM worth feeding! Why don't they see that? They don't even notice that I'm hungry!
Amee says:
(Taking on the personality, sorry )
steve says:
np
steve says:
was it scary?
Amee says:
Not really. I didn't worry about death or such much. Their fights were, though, because I loved them and didn't want them hurt/dead
Amee says:
It never escalated that high but a kid knows instinctively that it could
steve says:
what were u most afraid of as a little girl
Amee says:
Never being happy
steve says:
were u afraid of your father dying
Amee says:
Terrified! There was a point in time when my mother took me and ran away to my grandparents' place - have I mentioned this before?
Amee says:
I used to lie awake at night, sobbing and praying that the phone wouldn't ring because I knew the cops reported these things.
Amee says:
I had a dream once that he died from choking on the breaddy bit of a corndog. They found his skinny, decaying corpse in our back yard, which was full of junk
Amee says:
I don't think I've eaten a corndog since
steve says:
no wnder
steve says:
what would have happened had he died- did u think at that time
Amee says:
I would miss him terribly.
steve says:
as a little girl how would you have thought you would be able to survive
Amee says:
Spirituality. I'd have my "spirit family" watch over him for me
Amee says:
*innocent grin*
steve says:
over him or over u
Amee says:
Both. I wouldn't want him to be alone but they would never leave me
steve says:
so u thought that even if he died u would be taken care of?
Amee says:
Yeah, but I'd be lonely
steve says:
even if he rejected u and kicked u out
Amee says:
I was brought up a Christian - not one who feared her god, but felt loved and protected by him.
Amee says:
Daddy taught me that if I ever did something wrong and told my God I was sorry, he would forgive me and love me all the same
Amee says:
Much more than many humans did for me
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u still believe that
Amee says:
Partially. I'm sort of analyzing it at the moment
steve says:
k
steve says:
remember i asked u how much you felt deserving of me liking you or something like that
Amee says:
Yeah?
steve says:
do u remember what u said
steve says:
or of my time i think it was
steve says:
i think u said 4
steve says:
k -- do u think that whether you deserve someone or not depends laregly on how you have treated them, what you have done for them etc?
Amee says:
And whether I'd hurt them in the future, yes.
steve says:
k

steve says:
now what about your god
steve says:
how much do u feel deserving of his/her love etc
steve says:
and why...or why not
Amee says:
Funny, I've been bad lately, rethinking my belief and everything, but I'd still say 10. I guess I take that love for granted in a way. And I also know that if God is what I've been taught, s/he would help me fix anything about myself or my life if I asked
steve says:
k
steve says:
so if Rich rejected u you would still have your god's love
Amee says:
Yep
steve says:
does that help you feel less afraid of rejection by him?
Amee says:
A bit. But I also know that not everybody takes the god thing seriously
Amee says:
And I'm starting to question his/her origins
steve says:
what about self love
steve says:
could that be a replacement for being loved by a god
Amee says:
I'm too strict on myself for that kind of transfer
Amee says:
I can be very emotionally abusive, but only to myself
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
okay
steve says:
what do u make of that
Amee says:
It's kind of odd, because I'd never want to abuse anyone else
Amee says:
But with me I can't see any excuse for not being perfect; I have control of myself, and I know what I should do, so why don't I always do it?
Amee says:
It boils down to weakness and I hate that. I want to bash it out of myself.
steve says:
you think u are weak?
Amee says:
Not as strong as I'd like to be
Amee says:
There's a world out there that needs fixing, and I can't expect anyone else to do it. I can't leave it like this when I die. And weakness is costing me precious time.
steve says:
*thinking*
steve says:
when you say weakness what do u mean
Amee says:
I let things bother me. I stop to tend my emotional cuts and bruises. I don't get things done; I procrastinate, and forget things, and miss things.
Amee says:
Even stopping to abuse myself is part of this weakness
Amee says:
I should be out there, fixing things, saving children from abuse, rescuing damsels in distress and all that.
Amee says:
If I could I'd rather not sleep because I know life is short
Amee says:
Knowing death from an early age taught me that. I've always known that I'm always dying.
Amee says:
Oxygen is what makes us age. I haven't known that long but it's really depressing
steve says:
do u get more accomplished when you are feeling good about yourself or bad about yourself?
Amee says:
When I'm feeling good. But I think I should just feel good, and get on with it
Amee says:
Feel good *while* I'm going
steve says:
when you say you should just feel good how do you think that will happen - just by telling your self you "should"
steve says:
and does that work?
steve says:
or make u feel worse?
Amee says:
It's not the feeling good that I *should* do, it's the getting on with it
Amee says:
People depend on me. They're all too daft to take care of themselves
steve says:
who is taking care of amee
Amee says:
Amee doesn't want to need care
steve says:
lol
steve says:
i c
steve says:
but does she need it?
steve says:
isnt that what she has always needed
steve says:
but never gotten enough of from real people?
steve says:
how is amee feeling right now?
Amee says:
Hmm...
Amee says:
She feels obligated. By the world. To fix what most people don't even realise is broken
steve says:
k

the past, have u been afraid to ask for the things you really wanted?
steve says:
in the past, have u been afraid to ask for the things you really wanted?
Yes!
steve says:
how come
Amee says:
My parents always said no. I didn't think there was any point, and I didn't want to be demanding
steve says:
k

steve says:
say, what would u do if u and rich broke up
Amee says:
Cry a lot. Feel very sad, lonely, hurt, insecure
Amee says:
Go and get Xxx's virginity because he's been needing somebody to do that for ages
steve says:
?
Amee says:
Get a job. Try to learn to live on my own. Maybe even date a bit.
Amee says:
A good old friend of mine. We had a short emotional attachment thing but as I said, I've chosen Rich over others several times.
steve says:
he is a virgin?
Amee says:
Yep.
steve says:
i c
Amee says:
I was till I was 17
steve says:
hmm
Amee says:
Good age, I think. I used contraceptive and everything. It wasn't even a spur of the moment thing, we'd talked beforehand. And guess who it was...?
Amee says:
*grin*
steve says:
no idea
Amee says:
Richard. I've only been with one man in my life and I feel very proud of that
steve says:
wow
steve says:
where was it
steve says:
usa?
steve says:
or uk
Amee says:
Right in the room I'm sitting in now
steve says:
lol
steve says:
u went there at 17?
Amee says:
By myself, on a plane. My parents kissed me g'bye and wished me luck.
steve says:
did they sign for ur passport
Amee says:
Saved my own money for it and didn't tell Rich I was coming.
Amee says:
Yeah, mum helped me. I filled out the forms myself
steve says:
k
Amee says:
I was only here a month the first time. For Christmas
steve says:
then u went back?
Amee says:
Yeah, and he came and stayed with us for a while
steve says:
k
Amee says:
In the states
steve says:
well i am going to go back to sleep
Amee says:
Oki
Amee says:
Take care, and have sweet dreams
steve says:
k
bye