from: David H___
Sent: 02/19/13 07:33 PM
Subject: RE: mom test
My interest in this document has absolutely nothing
to do with my work. I've been involved in a
very complicated marriage to an extreme ACOA, and
I've been deeply concerned about my children's
relationships with their mother. You might say
my wife and I began our marriage of 24 years
co-dependently... Unfortunately, my lifelong
commitment to NOT being like my own father has made
me the target for someone who seems to relish in
finding ways that give the opposite impression.
I've had been taking "the test" for quite
some time, until I decided, a few years ago, to quit
submitting to something I'd never get a passing grade
on. After years of research and double guessing
myself, I stumbled upon the overwhelming conclusion
that my wife's primary form of communication is
indeed invalidating, guilt ridden, and provocative.
After skimming over your quiz, I do feel compelled to
offer just a couple thoughts if I may. I'm not
a doctor, so it is very plausible that I might be way
out of line, but I will say that I felt a little
concerned about some possible impressions my children
might leave with after taking your quiz.
Question #13, for example:
"13. Does your mother punish you with grounding,
taking away the phone, tv, computer etc.?"
I, myself, will frequently employ all of these
tactics as a means of keeping my kids in line.
I believe your intent doesn't condemn the typical use
of such tactics, but perhaps as a tool for
maintaining compliance in an abusive situation.
If I'm wrong, please feel correct me! If I am
correct, then maybe rewording that a little bit might
give a child a clearer picture of what you mean by
the question.
Other questions:
"31. Does she make vague threats like 'Either do
it or else' or "There is going to be big trouble
around here...'"
What parent hasn't said this before? In what
context are you referring to here?
"42. When you ask her for explanations does she
say things like: 'Because I said so.' or 'Because I
know more than you.' or 'When you are older you will
understand.'"
Here again, I certainly see the implications here,
but who hasn't said these things to their kids
before? I make every attempt to present my kids
with an understanding my actions, but sometimes the
circumstances simply do not allow for all the
philosophizing. Are you referring more to
frequency here, or anytime?
"51. Does she say things like, "Look at me
when I am talking to you."
Why do you consider this wrong? I ask my kids
to look at me a lot when I'm getting on them about
something. What am I doing wrong?
"62. Does she try to control what you wear by
saying things like "You're not going out dressed
like that I hope." or "Don't wear those
shoes with that outfit. They don't match." or
"Why don't you wear your red dress to the
party?"
I'm going to assume this question doesn't include
clothing that is NOT appropriate or overly sexually
suggestive right?
76. Does she say things like "What did I just
tell you?" or "Were you listening to
anything I just said?" "How many times do I
have to tell you?"
I've been known to say these things with a fair
amount of frequency as well. What are the
implications here?
84. Does she often begin sentences with, "You
need to..."?
85. Does she often begin sentences with, "You
have to..."?
What's wrong with these?
94. "Go to your
room until I tell you to come out?"
And this?
99. "If you want
to be treated like an adult, you will have to act
like one"?
or this?
115. Are you afraid of your mother getting angry
at you?
Aren't most kids afraid of this, on some level,
about any parent?
Some final thoughts: I would be grateful if you were
to incorporate some line of questioning that includes
blaming the father for the kid's thoughts. For
example, I feel that one of the most insidious
methods my wife uses to invalidate our children
routinely includes painting me as some sort of
perpetrator any time the kids call her out on a bad
behavior, as if to suggest that I somehow put them up
to being disrespectful and whatnot. Not only is
she discrediting their own ability to correctly think
for themselves, but she's conditioning them to expect
that anytime they question her, mom and dad are going
to get into a fight. This has enormous
implications in my opinion. The other day, I
tried not fighting with their mother over this sort
of thing, and my daughter got furious with me for not
sticking up for her. I was incredibly
frustrated, and felt pretty helpless about the whole
ordeal. Also, I always ask myself, "what
if my wife was molesting my kids right in front of
me, would I just stand there and
watch?!!!!" Of course not!!! As
such, one of the ideas I wrestle with all the time is
how damaging all this emotional trauma is for them,
and primarily because I know the damaging effects
first hand. I can't help but feel intensely
protective of them during these situations.
Again, I seriously do not intend to insult you or
anyone on this site. I simply want to
understand and hopefully benefit someone else in a
similar situation. I am adamant about not
blaming the father for doing the right things, and
thinking the right thoughts. She does this in
other ways as well, even when the kids do something
wrong, but it has another negative effect.
Often, one of the kids will get a little out of
bounds or maybe act inappropriately, like any normal
kid will do. The problem is, my wife will ask,
"who taught you that, your friend _____?!!"
in a very sarcastic tone. To me, this has the
effect of alienating the kids from their
friends. She ALWAYS makes it an enormous issue
when she sees one of the kid's friends being
disrespectful to one of their MOTHERS.
That's all for now
Steve. I'm looking forward to your input.
Thanks again,
Dave