Letter from Heath
I can recover quite quickly in regards to what's going on in my
life. I'm not forever burdened down by this. If I could change it
instantly, without things being in the way, then it wouldn't take
very long for me to recover. And I have been...somewhat, in my
own way. I still want to help you and I am very touched by the
last message you sent me, regarding your assets. You've been more
of a father to me than my actual father ever has. That's why I
felt so encouraged when you had said that you wished you could
adopt me. Thank you for that. *hugs*
I feel that you'll still be alive for a while, and this is not
false optimism. I will see you in person, I plan on that. As far
as I can see, I feel your sense of helpless observation of us
all, not just me. Laura is not a lost cause, as far as I see it,
neither is Sarah. For your health, certainly it'd probably be
best to just stay away for a bit. I feel saddened when I think of
you and Laura not talking to each other anymore. I don't want
that to happen between me and both of you. It nearly did with
Laura, and it was frightening but it was a feeling that brought
me much awareness of things I had lived before but to a more
extreme degree.
I myself have seen "The Secret" but it is purely
sensational in regards to the law of attraction, or what
Nietzsche would've called the Will to Power. When I saw this, I
felt inspired to start going about my own goals again and David
Icke has much more information regarding this on the basis of
thoughts and emotions. I have been studying this law of
attraction, to be honest, and I see it as a means of curtailing
myself into the direction I want to head. What we perceive (what
we think and what we feel about the world around us) is what we
do project, as much as it is for everyone else. And it is not
strictly (to me) that if we think or feel something
"bad" or "negative" is going to happen, it's
automatically going to happen and vice versa for "good"
or "positive" things. It takes more than just thinking
about it and feeling it...it varies on what we perceive to be
"positive" or "negative" and "good"
or "bad", as well as our ideation regarding these
things. I don't really agree with the notion that you blame
yourself for what "bad" has happened to you because,
well, what the fuck do you learn from blaming yourself except
more guilt and shame and that just puts you into a deeper hole...
There is something to be had here, Steve, I do believe so. I've
been paying more attention to my thoughts and emotions lately and
I've been managing to change some things and my plans seem much
more coherent and possible. Then again, anything is really
possible, I'd rather not set myself a limit or a hinderance.
I've been having problems focusing lately, too many things taking
up my mind. One problem is fear, and it goes into my feeling of
fear as being an unnatural emotion because I don't think we're
born with it, it is something we're sensitized and conditioned
to. It is where we're taught to ignore our thoughts and feelings
in exchange for a paralyzing shock of what we call fear, so much
that it hinders us to the point of not being able to work our way
out of it.
I've been trying to get closer to this girl, you might know her
(if I've mentioned her before) her name's Taylor and she's ten
months older than me and we have somewhat of a stifled
relationship. Stifled on my part earlier in the year because I
was too afraid to talk to her because I was in a state of
paranoia in which I was afraid that my parents and the school
authorities were monitoring me everywhere and all the time. I
want to get closer to her but my attempts have been pushing us
apart. I feel that she can sense my emotions, the
"vibration" I give off. I want to tell her how I am
feeling but I'm afraid to. Fear of her annoyance, fear of her not
being interested.
But it doesn't have to remain like this. If I can identify the
fear consciously as being without validation and just roused for
the sake of keeping me stuck in a situation that only happened
six months ago, I can be free of it and its pressure over my
other emotions. I am in control of my life but I've got to stop
handing it over to others.
Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I got it yesterday but the library
was closing so here it is today. I feel your sadness, Steve, for
these people. But I am still here. I will not die nor will I
leave you or your knowledge to be forgotten. You helped me out of
my cave, after all. *hugs*
Love,
Heath