8:56
i’m good most of the time but some days i just feel so alone and just absolutely horrible and todays one of those days

and i bottle everything up and i know it’s real unhealthy

but i don’t like talking to counselors and such cause i’ll start crying and i hate crying infront of strangers

and i can’t talk to any family members and i feel like even if i told my friends i’d just be a downer and they’d have no idea what to do

i understand

thanks

sorry i’m not so sure what to say. i’ve never done this before

its ok ur dong fine

thanks

i just thought this was a good idea and i already feel a bit better

yw

pardon?

oh nvm i just got it
9:02
lol ok
9:03
: )
9:03
so am i just supposed to vent or...
9:03
yeah u can just keep venting/talking
9:03
okay
9:03
well today i’m sleeping over at my moms
9:03
i live with my dad and visit her
9:04
and one second we were talking about soap the next she’s telling me that my dads the devil and it’s so hard to deal with cause he’s not
9:05
it’s just so hard to understand what she’s thinking and why she thinks these things
9:05
and she’s done so many things to me like ignored me, made me feel worthless, made me keep everything in to the point i formed depression and started failing school, kept me from seeing a counselor, manipulated and brainwashed me but i always end up feeling horrible
9:06
still reading... keep going plz
9:07
and i always end up apologizing
9:07
and it’s always the same thing i always apologize for making her cry
9:08
but after i apologize she just immidietly stops crying and she’s totally fine which makes me wonder is she faking it?
9:08
and i just don’t cry infront of people often cause to me crying is just really rare and i only do it when i’m so upset so i just feel horrible when i make someone cry
9:09
and i don’t know why i can’t stop shaking
9:09
we only talked for like 10 minutes and it was over an hour ago but i’m still shaking and i’m not cold or anything
9:09
hug
9:10
thanks
9:10
yw
9:11
i think my moms the main source of my problems but some days it’s not even her and those days i wonder if it’s just me
9:11
i hate when people “self diagnose” themselves cause i find it offensive when people romanticize mental disorders and such
9:12
but sometimes i wonder if i should get tested for mental problems and such
9:12
cause i know i have depression and i have medication for that but i feel like it’s more then that
9:12
but i also don’t wanna tell anyone cause it’ll make me seem like i’m crazy and maybe they’ll take me away from my dad and make me live with my mom or something and i know that will make me so much worse

understand
9:14
i mean i’ve looked up a lot on this one called “paranoid personality disorder” and i’ve seen it before cause my grandpa and aunt had it
9:15
and i mean it says stuff like you fear things and distrust people without any evidence against them to do so
9:15
and that’s how i feel about my friends and counselors and that’s why i liked the anonymous idea
9:15
and i’m just wondering if i’m making a mistake not talking to a counselor
9:16
bea8918 is typing...

i just don’t want them to share anything and i only have access to a school counselor and they’re not always the best
9:17
and honestly i don’t even know how i could schedule an appointment with the counselor and we have over a thousand kids in our school so how would they even squeeze me in
9:17
and i just don’t want anyone else in my school to know anything
9:17
and i just don’t want anyone else in my school to know anything
9:18
maybe one will snoop and see my counselors notes on me or something or maybe my counselor will accidentally share information or maybe they’ll just do it on purpose for some reason
9:18 AM
understand
9:19
i mean do you think i should talk to a counselor? or will it just make things worse
9:19
well lets talk about that a bit. its not an easy decision
9:20
okay
9:20
i understand everything u said
9:20
ur amazing btw
9:20
aw thank you
9:20
ur super intelligent
9:20
ur a very clear thinker
9:20
and good, no great, at explaining
9:20
wow thank you
9:21
and i talk to a lot of teens so i can judge
9:21
without feeing judgmental i mean
9:21
: )
9:21
can i ask ur age?
9:21
14
9:21
fuck
9:21
i was hoping 17
9:22
why ?
9:22
cuz of this
9:22
eqi.org/tp.htm
9:22
i’m a bit confused... do you think that’s me?
9:24
to a degree, yes
9:24
what do u think?
9:24
honestly i kinda agree
9:24
i mean one thing i spiraled over yesterday was the fact due to my parents i can’t leave bc till i’m an a adult
9:25
i know it may seem small but it’s just another thing that makes me feel powerless
9:25

in my eyes u r an adult now
9:25
thank you, i’m used to being called a hormonal teenager : )
9:26
i understand
9:26
ok lemme tell u something.. ok?
9:26
ok
9:26
im part of a very small group of people who believe the laws need to be changed.
9:27
we are looking for more pple who share our ideas
9:27
what do u think so far?
9:27
i think it’s great
9:28
oh btw we arent a cult haha
9:28
lol
9:28
we hate cults like scientolgy. do u know it?
9:28
not rly sorry

ok later u can google it if u want

ok

but basically its a very big cult and says we are a religion

oh we are all athiests btw. what about u?

bea8918 is typing...
i am an atheist but i have no idea what’ll happen when i’m older cause i’m actually not allowed to be in a religion for now

it’s not that my family is against religions but they believe religious people are only religious cause fear of hell or theirs parents made them but they’d never discriminate someone dorn their religion
9:31
ok
9:31
so how calm are u feeling now? 10 is totally calm
9:32
4 im still shaking for some reason
9:33
ok hug
9:33
what if u try talking more?
9:33
sounds good
9:33
well i’ve alredy explained my mom a bit but not my dad yet
9:34
k
9:34
when i told my dad everything that was happening he was so shocked and offered to let me live with him and i had wanted to for a while so i moved in with him full time. He helped me so much more then anyone and i can’t explain how amazing he is but i’m worried about him. He’s tried to kill himself before and lately he’s been really negative and he hasn’t been doing very good physically and emotionally
9:36
he injured his back in his childhood so it’s messed up casue he never went to the hospital and he’s been doing this night time job called skip the dishes and his car chair is broken so his back is getting really bad
9:36
but all he does is ignore it and it’s extremely frustrating
9:37
i feel like he doesn’t care about himself at all and he also drinks and smokes a very alarming amount
9:37
k
9:37
he doesnt get hammered every night but he gets drunk and it’s not enough to he obvious
9:38
but its every night
9:38
and he smokes one and a half packs a day and he has this horrible cough which he blames on being “sick” but hes had the cough for as long as i can remmeber i mean since grade one at least
9:38
and a little bit ago we were talking about moving cause we live in a really small horrible house and he said we may be able to soon move. then he just snaps at me and says no way we’re moving everything sucks it’s all my mom's fault and he just starts complaining and not just about his problems mine too
9:40
and i just start sobbing cause he was so blunt on how horrible our lives are
9:40

aw
9:41

then he starts yelling at me for being so lazy and never doing dishes
9:41
then i started yelling at him how i’m doing my homework casue he can’t help me cause he’s a dropout and before he’s dropped out he failed everything but socials class
9:41
and im tired cause i can’t sleep when hes working which is most days and i’m all alone in the house really late and i just get really paranoid and imagined what i’d do if someone broke in
9:42
and i have absolutely no motivation for anything cause of my depression and he should know how that feels casue he’s struggled with depression
9:43
and i couldn’t talk to him anymore so i left to my room and he went to smoke and calm down
9:43
when i came back he said sorry for snapping but i am lazy and need to do more and i said i would and he told me if i use my depression as an excuse i should up my medication
9:44
which made me panick cause i hate taking medication and i wanna lessen it not increase it
9:44
i know this doesn’t make my dad sound the best but keep in mind when he’s dirt poor he still gives money every month to a child in africa (he didn’t need even tell me i found it out) and he helped my friend leave a abusive household and he’s stayed up till three hugging me cause i kept having back to back panick attacks
but i’m worried about him and i feel like he should see someone but i know he’ll say there’s no time and no money for that and not to worry about him
9:46
and then he’ll say if your mom would just stop making my life a living hell i’d be fine

9:47
k

9:47
i just find it a lot harder to talk to him now cause he’s back a lot more irritable casue of his night job and the pain from his back
9:48
and i wanna tell him all this but i just don’t think i will i’ve thought about it a million times but i feel like i never will
9:48
but again i’ve imagined telling someone this then thought i never would
9:49
so i’m hoping i’ve done this so maybe soon i can tell him
9:50
and i just hope it doesn’t totally backfire but make him better cause if he just gets worse and worse
9:51
i just dont know
9:51
but i think i should tell him though
9:51
what do you think?
9:52

well there is a LOT to talk about. agree?

9:53
yeah
9:53
btw how sleepy are u?
9:53
not too sleepy i slept a lot last night
9:54
ok
9:54
what time is it there?
9:54
it is about ten am here
9:54
12:54 here
9:54
pm
9:54
or am
9:54
midnight basically
9:54
ok are u like in vancouver or something like that?
9:54
yeah
9:55

ok
9:55
whats ut dads first name?
9:55
i like to use firstnames
9:55
peter
9:55
ok
9:55
do i know ur first name?
9:55
oh maybe bea haha
9:56
yeah lol
9:56
ok why 918?
9:56
oh 8918
9:56
it used to be the last digits of my house phone
9:56
lol
9:57

ok
9:57
yea
9:57
ok so id id like u to share all this with the pple in our group so we can all think it over
9:58
how do u feel about that?
9:58
and id like u to meet everyone
9:58
that sounds good
9:58
oh i remembered we arent all athiests.
9:58
oh lol
9:58
doesn’t matter to me
9:58
ok
9:59
so at this point what are ur main questions
9:59
and how calm do u feel now?
9:59

i feel a lot calmer like 8
10:00
i guess my main question are
10:00
should i talk to a counselor or something
10:00
should i tell my dad
is the way i think really toxic or something
10:01
like do i view everything in a bad way or something i’m not sure
10:01
cause what really scared me was i thought threatening to leave or suicide was a regular parenting method until a little while ago so i feel like what’s right and wrong is distorted in my mind
10:02
i think thats it

10:03
ok
10:04
so here are my answers. keep in mind these are my answers and i want to get others opinions
10:05
ok
10:05
talk to counselor./dad -- not yet
10:05
but later yes
10:05
ok
10:05
is ur thinking messed up
10:05
only slightly and probably not in the way u think it is but in a different way. ill explain more later ok?
10:06
ok
10:06
what really scared me was i thought threatening to leave or suicide was a regular parenting method
10:07

that part is definitelly messed up

good parents dont do either of those

yeah
10:07
i know that now and it’s scary to think i didn’t before
10:07
yeah there is more stuff u believe now that will be scary to think u believed later lol
10:08
yeah
10:08
my eyes have really been opened since i was ur age.
10:08
oh and i dont give out my age or gender in early convos
10:08
are u ok with that?
10:08
yeah
10:09
ok
10:09
so what else or what now?
10:09

well i haven’t rly talked about school yet i guess
10:09
it’s not like i’m bullied or anything
10:09
i mean i’m not like rly popular but i’m well known and i get along well with most people
10:10
bea8918 is typing...
but here’s another thing that makes me wonder if my thinkings messed up
10:10
i feel like right now i have nothing going for me
10:11
so i just try to think about my future and hope i can get into a god college or university but whenever i try to think of something good in my life i can’t and i just think about my dream future and such
10:11
then i start panicking cause i’m just an average student and i’m not really that good
10:12
and it’s hard cause i can’t get help with my homework cause my dad failed everything but social studies and my mom doesn’t understand english terms and i barely see her
10:12
so i’m on my own and i’ll just freak out when i can’t get something and i’ve actually failed math tests before which brought my letter grade from an a to b
10:13

k

and it was easier last year cause it was middle school and i only had two teachers and one was really nice and understanding and he always helped me and he said he understood cause he was going through a divorce and he has three girls who are having a hard time
10:14
oh i forgot to mention i have 2 sisters
10:14
they’re 11 so three years younger than me and they are twins
10:14
bea8918 is typing...
they live half time with mom half time with dad and switch every week
10:14
i’ll always snap at them because it’s so crazy how we both have the same family and their lives are so happy
10:15
i grew up too fast and they barely grew up but they were unaffected by a lot of stuff cause they’re twins and in their own little worlds and my mom definetly did not ignore them as much as me

10:16
k

10:17
i know it’s not their faults but it’s so frusterarjng and i’ll snap at them and that also makes me upset and just really frustersed
10:17
but it just feels so unfair
10:17
they’re here worrying and crying about not being able to have a sleepover with their bestie and i’m here wishing i could just run away and stop this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach
they live half time with mom half time with dad and switch every week

we’re so different and it’s so hard to remember it’s not their faults and they’re not the ones i’m mad at
10:19
but i can’t snap at my mom or my dad so i think i just snap at them which is just a really shitty move on my part
10:19

yeah
10:19
i understand
10:19
ur a human
10:20
i think haha

10:20
lol

10:21
i just wish i could have a good relationship with them cause they’re the only family members that haven’t done anything wrong but i’m a total bitch to them and it’s so messed up and i can see it’s messed up but i just keep doing it and i don’t even realize till later
10:23
yeah

10:25
and my mom was the abuseful one not myna dad
10:28
we only stayed for 19 days but that time i seriously considered suicide
10:29
my mom would always leave us alone and all the kids were really young and i wasn’t aloud to do anything but watch kids shows
10:30
i remember at that time i was close with my mom and i was so terrified cause she would scream at us and leave us alone all the time and the people who own the building came into our room randomly
10:31
and when i was younger i was extremely paranoid like i thought when i slept my parents and neighbours would all watch me and plan to kill me i mean ridiculously paranoid
10:31
but one day i was having a fight with my mom so she finally took us back and a while after that my dad moved out
10:32
oh i forgot something
10:33
after my dad moved out one night i was fighting with my mom
10:33
my sister was beside me listening to music on an mp3 player and we had a sleepover and had no idea what was going on cause she wasn’t drowsy
10:33
my mom takes my sisters mp3 player and throws it at her face
10:34
bea8918 is typing...

it made a cut and a bruise on the bridge of her nose in between her eyes and it was a bad bruise
10:34
i started freaking out and i tried to get the house phone to call my dad but she physically blocked me from it
10:34
she threw the mp3 player so hard it had broken so she bought a new one and never talked about it again
10:36
whenever i would bring it up she would act like it never happened and it totally brainwashed me i didn’t tell anyone for two years
10:36
when i told my dad i started out telling him saying i wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not but as i started explaining it i realized it definitely happend
10:36
my dad literally reported it but they didn’t even check it out
10:37

my mom never hurt us again but she throws shoes at the wall and she’s just unpredictable
10:37
and she’s never apologized for it
10:38
my mother never apologizes for anything shen does
10:38
she burned her hand cause she was thinking about my dads friend
10:38
and said it was me and my sisters fault and always brought it up
10:39
it was a horrible burn just horrible third degree burns and her skin was peeling and i can’t even explain how horrible that made me feel
10:39
she till hasn’t even apologized fully for that
10:40
bea8918 is typing...

she said well it wasn’t completely your fault i guess
10:40 AM
but she made us feel horrible for over a year over that
10:40 AM
it’s crazy i’ve told all this to people and my sisters have said they want to live at myna dads full time but they still aren’t aloud
10:41 AM
by people i mean
10:41 AM
it’s hard to explain but it was “court people”
10:42 AM
i’m not sure who exactly they we’re
10:42 AM
i just think that’s absolutely crazy and it baffles me
10:43 AM
i was talking to my mom today and we were talking about how my sisters asked to live ar my dads
10:43 AM
and for some reason she said she’ll never give up and stop fighting for them and i was confused as to how she got to that conclusion she wouldn’t be giving them up she’d ben respecting their wishes and doing what’s best for them
10:44 AM
i never brought any of it up

i understand
10:46 AM
i’m not sure what else to say
10:46 AM
ok

oh anymore questions for me?
10:50 AM
i need to go soon btw. im not sure if i told u
10:51 AM
um no i don’t think so
10:51 AM
yeah i should go to bed it’s two am here
10:51 AM
oh ok
10:53 AM
lol
10:53 AM
yeah i should rly sleep
10:53 AM
thanks so much though
10:54 AM
yw
10:54 AM
it feels great to just let it out and i just feel better even though nothing has changed lol
10:54 AM
night
10:54 AM
ok bye bye
10:55 AM
good night
10:56 AM
sweet dreams!
10:56 AM