Amanda -- Australia

Black Tearstains

There's mascara on my pillow case
From crying myself to sleep
My tears turn to black
And stain my pretty sheets

The smudges remind me every night
As I crawl into my bed
Of just how unhappy I am
And of the reasons that I've bled

There's blood on my sweatshirt sleeves
From wounds that did not mend
The marks of my suffering
With which I must contend

The scars a constant reminder
They are with me every day
They won't let me forget
I can never get away

There are tears in my eyes
They brim but just won't fall
I need a different way to cope
I cannot cry at all

I am walking around with evidence
Because these scars are part of me
And unless I want to show them off
I have to wear long sleeves

Theres dark circles under my eyes
From smeared makeup and no sleep
The moment my head touches the pillow
I'm filled with red-tinged dreams

Can I never have a minute
In which I can forget
All the blood, and tears, and pain
I'm so tired of this shit

There's smudges on my cheeks
From where my mascara ran
I feel like I'm a rock
Sinking in hot sand

My pillow case is ruined
The black will not come out
My wrists are all ripped up
And my mind is filled with doubt

Taboo

You all think that I'm the one
Who should be helping you
You all think I've got life figured out
That I would never be taboo

You all think that I am perfect
Reaching for the stars
But really I've got issues
And they are leaving scars

You all think that I am independent
That I don't need a helping hand
But my world sinks beneath me
As if it is made out of sand

You've seen something sad
When you look into my eyes
But you can't figure what it is
You can't identify

You figure that it's nothing
A gleam from a light
But you're wrong it's really there
It's the reason that I write

You'll simply look it over
It's something you can't undertsand
You'll think of me the same
You'll see me as a helping hand

But I can't help you all
I can't always be your ideal
I've got worse problems of my own
There's so much that I conceal

Russy
by Amanda

I knew a boy once
With a smile on his face
Never shed a tear
Never needed space
With a shot all that changed
From his father's gun
He never felt the shot
But he was his son
It may have been his dad
That died yesterday
But there's a part of him
That dies every day

I know a boy now
With a sadness in his face
Shed his tears in private
He always needs his space
Forever changed, forever different
He'll never be the same
I once heard him scream at night
Living in his dreams
He walks a living nightmare
He doesn't trust a soul
Russ come back we promise
That we will never go

Stolen Memories, Stolen Lives
by Amanda

I don't know what I'm going to do
If you don't remember me
What is this thing?
They're calling it a disease

What sort of sickness
Could riddle me with pain
It's not the kind you feel
But the type that drives you insane

If I asked you to fight it
Could you keep me in your mind
Cause if you don't remember me
I don't think "everything will be fine"

I can see your spirit fading
When I look deep into your eyes
Do you remember?
You always call me pumpkin pie

Look at me right now
You must know who I am
I've sat with you so many times
On the edge of Loree dam

NO YOU CAN'T FORGET
Hold on, please, you can make it stop
In your hands your holding my life
Please don't forget and let it drop

Do you have any idea what it's like?
For your mom to forget you
Because she's become more like a mother
She always helps me make it through

Normally in such a hard time
I would turn to her
But she'll say "Who are you?
I don't remember, it's such a blur"

Darlene, all I can say
Is I need you to hold on
What am I going to do
When your memories are all gone?

Salt and Light
by Amanda

God where are you,
What happened to your light?
Was it me who put it out
Or did you leave me tonight?

I can't feel your love
Filling my heart
All I feel is pain
We're so far apart

I can't overcome
This thing that seperates us
I've tried so many times
I need you so bad Jesus

I know I pushed you out
I know that it's my fault
But, please, I want you back
You are my light and my salt

Come back into my life
Tonight this is what I pray
Because I turn to the knife
Unless you're there each day

**The part about Jesus being my salt refers to Matthew 5:13

Heart on My Sleeve
by Amanda

I've been known to wear
My heart on my sleeve
I've been so tripped up
I keep falling to my knees

I've been known to be down
Always feeling all alone
And through all the bad times
My pain has all been shown

Through each and every conflict
My feelings have stuck on me
But no one really noticed
They're blind, they cannot see

But I don't want to keep
Going on the way I am
To fix my screwed up issues
I just need to trust the lamb

Obscurity
by Amanda

Here i am inside this burrow
Where I've dried up all the light
Look hard, it's difficult to see
The shadows hide it from sight

It is here i will stay
I dare not step outside
I know what will happen
For I've already tried

I am the essence of shadow
I'll drown the earth in dark
I'll smother every worldly light
The doom of every spark

So if u have some shadow; misery, or pain
Throw it down the opening you find
I'll simply add it to my collection
A little more can't hurt, I'll hardly mind

So now I've found a use
Take the world's pain, revive those who seem dead
And rather than drown the world in darkness
Here, in the world's pain, I'll drown myself instead

I Can't, You won't
by Amanda

You want me to tell you how I feel but I can't.
You want me to describe this feeling but I can't.
You want me to stop, but I can't.
You want me to feel, but I can't.
You want me to be the old me, but I can't.
I'm sorry that you had to become friends with me just before I changed like this.
If you give up, I'd understand, I really would.
I see what it takes out of you sometimes.
I felt you cry on my shoulder because you can't handle it.
You want me to stop, but I can't.
Just give up on me now please.
Because disappointing you is disappointing me.
I can see how frustrated you get.
I can see how you just want me to shake out of it.
I can see how you wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
You want me to stop, but I can't.
I can see that you can't deal with that.
I can see that you can't handle it.
You want to give up, do it please.
Give up on me so I can give up on myself.
You want to tell me to snap out of it, but you won't.
You want to tell me to get a hold of myself, but you won't.
You want to give up on me, but you won't.
You want to understand me, but you never will.
You want me to describe this, I just can't.
Take your life and subtract the hope.
Add a little pain, some rejection, some depression.
Add yelling, and screaming, and fighting.
Add a good friend who needs what you can't give.
Add a good friend that you're hurting.
Add guilt.
Take away love.
Take away companionship.
Add some fear, add some blood, take away the caring.
You're close but not quite there.
You can't be there without being here.
You want me to take you there, but I can't.
You want to tell me I'm stupid, but you won't.
I want to talk to you, but I can't seem to find the words.
You want a compassion that I don't have.
You want a motivation that I don't posses.
You want me to stop, but I can't.
I want, but you won't.
You want, but I can't.
You want, but you won't.
I want, but I can't.

Misery
by Amanda

I kneel in the garden
Where white roses used to be
But now the roses are red
With the blood of misery

I weep in the garden
From whence my heart was torn
I once tried to hold the roses
But there were too many thorns

More Than You'd Believe
by Amanda

A tear on my cheek
Means more than you could know
Cause I hardly ever cry
I don't like to let it show

A tear on my cheek
Is more than it implys
It doesn't matter what I said
Don't believe the lie

A tear on my cheek
Means I'm not okay
There's so much I want to tell you
That I just cannot say

A tear on my cheek
Should be a big red warning sign
Something's very wrong
Did I just say that I was fine?

A tear on my cheek
Should shout out at you
No I'm not alright
This is one of few

A tear on my cheek
Means so much more than you could know
Fear and pain grow in my soul
Like the seeds a gardener sows

Not One Teardrop
by Amanda

Why can't I cry
When I think about what I've done?
Why didn't I care
When all this had begun?

Why can't I see
The wrong thats in this thing?
Why can't I feel
The pain that it must bring?

Why can't I coax one tear
When everyone else is crying?
Why don't I care?
I feel like I am dying

Red Raindrops
by Amanda

A razor slides across my skin
Cutting as it goes
It's sharp but drags along the flesh
Keep it secret, quiet, close
The red on tan is soothing
The pain distracts me, it will suffice
My heart is broken but it heals
With each and every slice
Keep it hidden under long sleeves
No one ever has to know
What would they do
If i ever let it show?
The blade that cuts me is my friend
Strong and concise
He leaves a precarious mark or two
But I will pay that price

Sep. 26th, 2004 01:49 pm NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Please, just no!
I don't know why why why why why why why why why why why?!?!?!?!?! Steve please don't leave! Please? Please! Please. This is when I really needed you. Do you realize that when you first started talking I was thinknig, can I tell him? I think I can tell him. I should tell him. I think I will tell him. I will tell him. I felt happier than ever knowing that I had made the decision to let you know. But now you're leaving! You didn't even have any idea that I was hurting; not any idea, cause I never told you. And I never really came to talk to you ever. So I am probably one of the last people you would expect to see having tears roll down their cheeks when you announced that you're leaving. What should I do now? Can you tell me please? Because Matt is awesome but I couldn't talk to him; not about this. And I was going to talk to you. Thats amazing for me. I needed your help. I dreamed of having the courage to get your help. And why can't I still? I don't know. I guess I could. But you're just not you anymore. You're not the same when I know your going to be gone. You were one of those things that was so constantly strong and unwavering that I could see in my life. Always ready to help me if I had the courage to ask. But you're not that anymore. You're not constant because I know you were going to be gone. God why is this working out like this? Why is this "your will" as Steve says? Is it in your will that I never get any help? If it is then I don't think following your will is the best thing for me by any means. Did I just get forgotten in "your plan for the world", was I lost in the "Grand Plan"? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I need him to stay, don't make him leave. He's the reason I come. Don't let him leave. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! Stop it here. Am I destined to be like this forever? Am I destined to fight like this forever? I don't have the strngth to be a soldier. I don't have the passion, motivation, conviction, stregth, faith, love, life.

Current Mood: confused

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Sep. 23rd, 2004 04:06 pm Don't Worry, Be Happy
Hopefully "Keep It" is the last time the old, scary Amanda writes in this livejournal. God that Amanda even scares me. But hahaha I kicked her out; and while I don't know how much she may appreciate it, I am loving it! She held me down for way too long. I am turning into Mr. Ito, referring to myself in the third person. I love that guy he is really kool. He made Duge's class lots of fun. I think I'm bipolar, haha cause that was an amazing jump from rock bottom to high as they sky. i'm high on life, I don't need any drugs, or any relief from the kind of shit I used to do. I am HIGH ON LIFE!!! I need no sensation, or added endorphins, I make myself happy now, I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH!!! Hello this is the real Amanda, and she loves life! Not her old life; but she loves the new oe she's been given a chance to have! WAHOOOOO!!!!! HIgh on life, high on life, high on life; happy happy happy happy. I was walking around singing that wren and stimpy song; happy, happy, joy, joy. Everyone; enjoy life, Love the skin your in; no hating! Be happy, cause life sucks if your not. You know what, someone told me once to just make a conscience decision to be happy and you will be. So last night before I went to this waterfall game I was really down and stuff; and I was not gonna go and I was just being the old self that I left behind. And I was just like, hey, you know what, I'm going to be happy...AND I WAS!!!!
Can I hear three cheers please?

Current Mood: on life of course
Current Music: DISNEY SONGS!!!!!

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Sep. 22nd, 2004 11:16 pm Pure Exalted Joy...Gloria Gloria
I AM SOOOOO HAPPY. Where is this coming from? I just did kartwheels in my room. I love this feeling, I can remember what it is like again. I missed it so much! DOn't go away, oh please God, don't let it go away! I don't wanna be that ever again; feel that ever again, I never wanna feel like I'd rather be dead again! I LOVE THIS FEELING, I LOVE THIS SIDE OF LIFE!!!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: I don't need music, I feel like music is playing everywhere!

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Sep. 21st, 2004 06:25 pm Keep it
Why can't I just keep things to myself? That's what I really want but I can never end up doing it cause there's so much stuff going on in my head alittle just ends up spilling out. But then I always regret talking about it which adds more doubt which just causes worse overflows. I should really stop this cycle, make a dam or something. Cause in the end telling people what you feel really doesn't help anything and you simply risk more rejection, so you're only ending up making it worse. Then to stop it you have to find a different way to deal with spills. HAHA, I just thought of the fact that this could be easily related to a tampon commercial..."Tampax pearl is the best protector against leaks, don't allow overflows!" Wow that was random in the middle of such seriousness. Yet pretty funny im my personal opinion, not that that counts for much. Anyway the point of this is to get out my frustration at never being able to keep my damn mouth shut and getting people involved in my life. But some talking is good I guess. Only if its inspired though, and with someone you really trust. By inspired I mean that I wouldn't come out and admit anything, I am the type of person that kind of needs to be confronted or I'll never deal with the things I really am upset about. Since I know a certain someone will never read this journal, I almost need her too, it seems like it would be for attention, nut I need her to know what's going on, and to talk to me about it. She would rather I tell her this stuff, but that's the point, I can't. Andw hile I really don't want her to read, I recgonize that I need her too just so I don't get away with it. I'm sure your totally lost right now if your reading this, which your probably not because almost no one knows it exist, which is how I like it, but if you are you're probly extremely lost. I doesn't matter though cause I understand, and I would be a little less blunt to that person, but I'll know she'll never actually read it, and I can deal with getting away with that, I like it. But I know I shouldn't get away with it. Ya pretty confusing, whatever I am going to sleep where my nightmares are better than atually being awake.

Current Mood: melancholy

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Sep. 19th, 2004 08:54 pm The best explanation I can give....welcome to my life
I don't know what you expected me to tell you. What you wanted me to say. You don't really care, you just feel special if I talk to you. You pretend like it matters to you, but I know its for your own feelings. You don't care at all, it's only when you're bored. Have you ever stood in a room screaming at the top of your lungs and everyone just kept doing what they were doing and didn't even notice? I have, but the screaming was in my head. It's so loud in my ears that I'm sure you can hear it. There's a pain I feel that doesn't come from a wound. I feel numb despite it. I don't feel anything. I just want to run and never stop. It's so hard to describe this feeling. I used to be afraid of being alone and now I prefer the silence that you only get from solitude. I used to be afraid of everything and now I'm not afraid of anything except this pain I can't get rid of. They say if you fear nothing you are brave, but you only fear nothing when you don't care about anything, like me. I don't care what happens tommorow or then next day. Somehow it just doesn't matter at all. I live without living. I'm walking around my house in a trance. I sleep when I am not doing homework. Then I wake up , make it through school, do my work and go to sleep. I've started just getting in my bed at 6 o'clock because nothing seems worth doing. I don't come out of my room during the night except to eat dinner and go right back up. I sit here all day, staring at my computer screen and not really doing anything. I try to think, I try to pray, but I end up in that same trance, just looking on and not really noticing the time passing. Each day I have no anticipation for hte next because I know it will be the same. Staring off at nothing, then going to sleep to meet the nightmares that have become my life. The worst nightmare is just reliving my day. Each day I think is worse than the one before. My memories of the last 4 months are a blur of nothing. I'm alive but not really here. If you think you've talked to me your wrong, because I'm hiding in the back of my head and you're talking to a robot programed to fake the best smile. All I know is lonliness and hiding. Who stole myheart, because I can't care, and I feel no passion. Who stole my spirit? I'm searching for it in my head, while my soul fades away at my neglect. I can't describe this feeling. Every minute is the same, there is no such thing as "special". Every second I feel nothing, yet I am filled with overwhelming pain. My body is numb, and my mind is being tortured into compliance. What am I supposed to do to escape this life that I'm trapped in. What am I supposed to say to show you what I am? And do you really want to know. I don't think you can understand. If you really cared you'd be here, holding fast to my hand.

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Sep. 18th, 2004 11:06 pm Tool Town
Today Emily, Hannah, and I went to Riley's water polo game in freaking tacoma where we almost got shot. WEll first of all, I drove and the traffic weas really bad, then we got off the wrong place on the freeway because someone does not know how to give directions and someone else does not know how to read directions. But ya pretty much so we're driving around this ghetto town in Tacoma looking for the Wilson Pool. We ended up having to stop for directions. We stopped at this little store called "Tool Town." We asked for directions and this really nice, although slightly weird, guy helped us out. he was explaining how to get there, and we were kind of blocking the way between the counter and the tool racks because the store had way to much merchandise for a tiny little room. But these guys kept, sidling by us and there were getting a little too close for comfort. One actually stroked al lthree of us as he walked by. We were pretty eager to get out of there so we thanked the guy who was also leaving and started to leavce. As we were pulling out someone motioned for us to follow him. it just happened to be that same nice old guy. Now we were slightly worried to follow his gray van to who knows where. So we carefully followed him then Hannah had the bright idea that she might be able to find it because she thought she knew where she was from our original directions. Sop we turned off instead of continuining to follow the old guy. Well it turns out we should have followed him because we ended up at this really random college called UPS, don't ask me what it stands for; maybe they teach people to deliver mail or something. So we were in another fix and had no dea where we were. Hannah out to ask directions as I assured her that she would not get raped, perhaps a little too loudly. Well it turns out the person she got out to ask who we all thought was a guy, a potential rapist, was actually a slightly manly girl. Me and EMily couldn't stop laughing while she was asking cause it was just plain funny. As we were leaving to follow these new directions we say a restaurant place that looked exactly like dairy queen, only a little shabbier, called Dairy Bell. Well we thought that was pretty funny...we obviously weren't in Bellevue anymore Totto. Well we were trying to get to the game before it ended and everyone left cause we nneded to follow someone home after our 2 hour ordeal. We saw this school and right away we turn in, but it was the elementary school, not the high school. SO we were off again on our strange quest to find Wilson High School, still afraid we were going to be shot and listening to our fun, old-school Now 5 CD. Ya so pretty much I ended up flipping a u-ie in which I drove off the road, and back to where we thought we were supposed to be going. Finnaly there it was, the high school, on the left of S 11th Street. BUt then we ended up turningf into about 5 different parking lots before we finally found the pool. When we pulled into the correct parking lot we were elated. We got there in time to watch the ending quarter...ooo yipee, in which sammamish was killed 5 to 12, but the score really should have been 7 to 11 only from the parts the referee screwed up while we were there.

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Sep. 14th, 2004 05:31 pm Taboo
You all think that I'm the one
Who should be helping you
You all think I've got life figured out
That I would never be taboo

You all think that I am perfect
Reaching for the stars
But really I've got issues
And they are leaving scars

You all think that I am independent
That I don't need a helping hand
But my world sinks beneath me
As if it is made out of sand

You've seen something sad
When you look into my eyes
But you can't figure what it is
You can't identify

You figure that it's nothing
A gleam from a light
But you're wrong it's really there
It's the reason that I write

You'll simply look it over
It something you can't undertsand
You'll think of me the same
You'll see me as a helping hand

But I can't help you all
I can't always be your ideal
I've got worse problems of my own
There's so much that I conceal

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Sep. 14th, 2004 04:37 pm My Lost Friend
I knew a boy once
With a smile on his face
Never shed a tear
Never needed space
With a shot all that changed
From his father's gun
He never felt the shot
But he was his son
It may have been his dad
That died yesterday
But there's a part of him
That dies every day

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Sep. 13th, 2004 07:16 pm Stolen Memories
I don't know what I'm going to do
If you don't remember me
What is this thing?
They're calling it a disease