From Alix in the USA

im not sure why but im sitting here wondering how to put my words together.
 
im 14 years old and i know more than i probably should.
i guess i can start when i have my last memory... f*ck i cant remember anything.
okay. I'll start with a general mood. my mom and dad are alcoholics. they would drnk and leave for nights at a time. leaving me alone with my abusive older brother. i was eight and i thought i had a normal family. i had no friends in school, they made fun of me and pretended to be my friend. i was raped and sexually abused when i was merely old enough to remember how to spell my name correctly. i honestly thought i had the most amazing life in the world. because i had a mom and a dad and sisters and brothers. my oldest brother was the one who raped me. i was given a choice:
-not to tell anyone, this was a good thing and nobody needed to know
-if i told my mom, he'd tell her it was my idea
hell i didnt know what to do, i was eight and still liked to play with barbies.
i remember hearing my parents fight. for years i was scared, when they faught i cant explain to you what i felt, and what it sounded like. the worst thing was to get involved. the police in our city were at my home atleast 2 times a week. and the rookies were required to know everything about my family, they had to memorize the layout of our house, everyones names, and how my mom worked. my brother, blake, was the only one that liked me. brandon raped me, and my little sisters and i just,, didnt get a long. blake took me everywhere, he always took me out of the house. i was his little sister and for some reason he wanted me to be with him, even when he was with his friends.
then my mom went to rehab.
i think i was 10 years old.
i didnt know what this crazy place was, all i knew was that my mom was gone to get better. she was sooo different when my family visited her. she didnt yell, and she had a pretty look in her face, and she told me she loved me.
i was so confused when she finally came home.
becasue everything went back to normal after about a week.
as im writing this story, i cant remember much.. just pieces. i cant complete the story because i've tried so hard to sit and blank out my life beause i hated it.
my step dad left a lot. and my mom had lots of men come over. they always slept in the basement. i remember one man by the name of cory. i thought he was the coolest man ever invented.
i saw him so many times, then one day he just stopped coming. i dont talk to my mom about him anymore, because i think he killed himself... i guess there is a good part of my childhood. i have never had to deal with a death in my family, not any kind. except these two goldfish i had, izzy and pop. i cleaned their tank, and they died. i thought it was my fault. but whatever. they're gone now. anyways. i remember the first time my mom brought me to an alateen meeting.. she told me that there were a lot of kids that had moms just like mine, and i should meet them.
so i went, and after i got out, i hated my mom so much, i didnt talk to her. i figured out why she yelled all the time.. why she was the way she was, and i thought she was purposly doing it. and i hated her.
thats when i cut my wrists.
it started with a simple razor, i dont know why i did it. i think its because i knew that kids with bad parents did it. i didnt do it deep, and i didnt bleed. well i did, but not for more than 5 minutes. i stopped having friends, and i stopped loving myself. my brother left the house, my only best friend left me and i didnt know what to do. i thought i was going to be okay... but i wasnt. i was probably 12 now.
i cant fit age in my stories, becuase its stupid and i cant fucking remember anything anymore. expect stories,
no numbers.
i finally started to get friends once i got to the seventh grade, i remember landon. landon was my friends boyfriend, and he instantly loved exactly who i was. i have notes that he used to give me, and comments from my Myspace that told me that i was the best person he's ever met and i was like his sister. he didnt know i cut myself, so i told him, and he didnt like me any less. i was also friends with a girl named michelle. she will come up in this... story of mine.
i stopped cutting myself for almost a year. and i started to like my life, or from what i think. i started to get friends and they invited me to their house. one of my friends dads' drank himself to death, and i thought that she was like my long lost sister. her name is jessica. i remember one night when i went to her house with landons girlfriend, alyssa. they introduced me to girls. and when i say this i mean that we played games that included touching each other. i didnt realise that girls were different than guys other than from what we looked like. and i started crushing on girls more often. i didnt tell anyone though, because i knew that lesbians were wierd. my mom started drinking more often and she stopped caring, i still went to my meetings and thought that i had conqured the first step.
1. we admitted that we are powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmannigable.
i tried to stop my mom  when she would drink, but i thought  i had conqured the first step. i always knew when my mom was drinking, and i always told her i knew, and forgave her because i thought that she would stop, but she never did, so i just kept forgiving her.
and then i told her she was a drunk....
i remember it was late december, and she was drinking. to this day she still denies it. i called her a drunk and she hit me. she hit me and i walked out of the house and went to michelles. michelle was my other best friend. she went on vacation with my family when blake left the house and we had an extra ticket. her mom let me go to her house. and i stayed there, i called my father and he didnt care.
 
my parents are divorced, by the way. i have a step dad and mom.
 
my dad isnt a dad, he buys stuff for me and expects me to love him. that night he told me i couldnt stay with him and his wife agreed.  i thought he was saying this to be a good dad and make my mom and i okay with each other. my aunt came over and she faught with my mom. and my mom grounded me, becasue she told me i lied to my aunt and made them fight for no reason. and i thought i was the most horrible stupid child to stand on the earth, because thats what i was told. i started cutting again, and this time i used serated knives. and this time they included designs.  i remember not feeling anything when i would cut myself, because i was already numb, and i already wanted nothing but death. i dont have pictures. i only have scarrs. i told landon i wanted to die, and i was sent to the hospital and told i had depression. i wasnt put on pills but they told me that i wanted attention and i needed to love myself. but i didnt. and i was let out of the hospital.
i confessed about my rape.
and my brother still hasnt been fully charged.
fuck, even partially.
he is gone out of my family, he has stolen so much from us and he's lied to the city and to my family for too long and we are all fucking sick of his bullshit. he is such a fucking screw up. i hate saying it but all he does is lie, all he does is drugs and he pretends hes the most perfect child on this fucking planet. he knows everyhing and nobody can level to his greatness, because he is god compared to everyone.
 
 
im getting fucking pissed off at my fucking keyboard because it wont type what im trying to say
all its doing is screwing up my words.
and all i want to do is run in my kitchen and grab a fucking knife and carve at my wrists.
i havent cut since january, over 4 months ago.
about a year ago, i overdosed on tylenol.
17500 MG o it
and they told me i was going to die
and i was happy
and i wanted to die
and i was happy
landon saved my life, he told the police and he saved my life
and i wanted to die
but i was so happy he saved my life.
i wanted to cut my wrists
and i still do now.
they told me i was going to die and i never did
they even lied to me, eveyrone lies to me.
EVERYONE LIES TO ME
why am i not dead huh?
why am i not in the fucking ground HUH?
why cant i be fucking happy
why cant my brother be in the fucking ground
why cant HE be dead
because thats all he deserves
is fucking death
and i want to stab him so bad.
nobody likes me
nobody loves me
i have my friends nw
but no boy will love me
no girl will love me
im bisexual.
NOBODY FUCKING LOVES ME AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY
this FUCKing keyboard wont fucking type what i want it to type
and im getting angry
and i want to  run to my kitchen and slit my wrists.
i havent cut in months
and i want to now
all my life i've felt like this big fucking joke, thats all i am is one big fucking joke. because nobody loves me.  I SWEAR TO GOD IM GOING TO THROW THIS PIECE OF SHIT ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM.
and as i try to fucking explain my life story i cant fit everything in.
and i dont know how to because i only want to tell you everythign out of order and my fingers wont type correctly and i iwant to fucking cut my wrists.
and i cant say anythign more.
becasue my fingers have stopped working.
and i swear to god.
im going to walk across the room and punch a fucking hole in the wall.
my fucking headphones make my music sound like shit and im going to run into something
my mom has been sober for like 6 months
and all i can think about is how fucking angry i am
i stopped taking my anti-depressants a few days ago
they put me on them the second time i was in the hospital
they do nothing but screw me up
and i cant fucking type
and im going to kick something.
 
 
fuck.
i dont know if there is anything i can tell you to make me different than what you've probably heard already
but people need to fucking know
that im so angry
FUCK.
i cant even think
and i want to cut myself
I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT 4 MONTHS IM GOING TO GET A FUCKING KNIFE NOW.
 
if you want to hear more
just email me back
put this on your site
i dont care
all i want is for people to know
how hard it is to pretend that i love my life all the ime, ebcasue i cant
FUCK IT WONT TYPE RIGHT.
fuckgfuckfuckfuckufkcukfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckuf k.
whatever

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Next email

okay i've kinda cooled down so i need to add more of my story into what i've told you yesterday. my best friend, blake, [brother], is also a drug dealer, he has been smoking since the fourth grade and he is finally getting his life on track.
my oldest brother is still a drug addict and everyone in the city still hates him and talks shit about him to me every day of my life. they both owned what you might know as a "party house". they owned the house with all th drugs, all the alcohol. all the parties, and all the bad people. i've smoked before, weed and cigarettes. i've drank one day in my whole life. and i hate it and i will never do it to get drunk, or even to just say i did.
 
i got expelled from my highschool in march.
i delt 5 dollars worth of drugs so i could afford lunch, and they fucking expelled me.
and i want to fucking bomb that fucking school.
but i know i wont....
im on a online school, thats why im able to send you this long email, along with my long email yesterday.
lm so confused on what the hell i shoud do with myself. because i dont know what to do and my mom doesnt either. i work 5 days a week at coldstone creamery. i have like 5 friends i actually hang out with.
if i could go anywhere i'd go to the netherlands or canada.
i want to see the boy i love.
and my best friend. but all i can do is talk to them through my stupid cell phone and over online services.
i rarely see the guy from the netherlands because of time difference.
well i see him everyday but only for a couple hours or so. then i work
and he's asleep when i get home.
my best friend from canada is easier to talk to ofcourse, becuase we are able to text and talk on the phone and we're in the same time zone etc. blah blah blah...
 
 
the other day i almost got arrested.
i was with a couple friends and they were smoking cigarettes and they're underage.
and at that time i chose not to smoke.
and they got arrested
i didnt.
i dont know why im happy...
but i  am...
i still wanna cut......