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Stella -- Stella is from Indonesia. I met her when I was travelling there. She was 16 at the time.. She had tried to kill herself in the past year. She is a friend of Nana



i don't think i am a very smart, and interesting person but i am a sensitive person(in negative way.. he2)

i do believe in God becoz i'm a christian but i often disappointed on God... well that made me wanted to kill my self but i know what i did was wrong and i regret it but sometimes when i feel disappointed or depressed i often have a plan to do a suicide again but i know i that's stupid. actually, the main reason why i tried to kill my self was becoz i broke up with my boyfriend, i love him so much and until now i still feel the same way about him even he doesn't ever think about me anymore.

i often have a fight with my parents, last sunday we fought... u know i often lose my control and i get mad and angry easily so usually if i mad or angry i'll yell at them and they will get angry too. i try to change this bad habit but it's so difficult for me, this is why my ex-boyfriend broke me up becoz i often get mad and angry easily and then i'll yell at everyone who's near me. so.... becareful at me... he2.. jk

my parents don't allow me to date until i graduate my high school years, that sucks!!!! so i did a backstreet relationship with my ex, and he decided to split up becoz of this reason too .... he couldn't stand it anymore.... always hide from my parents.


the last time my mom slapped me was becoz she ask me "this week u have some
tests? what r the subjects?" and i answer her in harsh manner "i dont
know!! the secretary in my class didn't tell us!!" and then she became
really angry coz i was so unrespect to her... she was mad and i went to d
bathroom and cried, she pushed me to open the door, i locked d door ... i
just needed a moment to be alone but she didn't care, she said things that
really hurt me, so.. i took the gillette in my bathroom and i tried to kill
myself, she tried to find the key of d bathroom n then she opened the door
and she saw the gillette and she became more angry to me and pulled my hair
and slapped me, she said things that i really dont want to hear that moment
so i went out from d bathroom and she pulled me to listen what she wanted
to say but i didn't care i really didn't want to talk about it and i really
didn't want to see her around me but she didn't understand. i cried and
cried and cried so she was tired and left me alone in my room, i cried all
day long... but the next day she became normal again.

y'know sometimes parents are like jerks but sometimes they're the most wonderful persons in the whole world. becoz i'm a christian.. i think we have to forgive everybody that hurt us and pray to GOD to make them realize that they're wrong and not do the same mistake again, i know i seem very religious but i think we shouldn't only count other people's sins, we should count the good things they ever gave to us.... someone told me if we want to judge someone or something we have to look the totality of them... not only the negative but include the positive things. Nov 4, 2003


when i sms u in sarcastic way about emmi, y'know... i just dont like if guys talk to me and then they're like always praise a girl that they like, i'm so sensitive, so i'll think that i'm not so interesting like that girl, and i feel so unconfident bout myself. i don't like to listen to guys talking bout their favourite girl, why dont they talk to me and tell me that they like a girl like me!!! i dont know is it a jealous feeling or not but i think i'm a lil jealous with emmi... becoz she really has ur attention, she's like a goddess for u but i think i'm more educated, smart, intelligent and i'm kind too but i dont understand why u're crazy bout her.
y'know... i always jealous, if my friend has a new friend and then she's like more into her new friend, i'll get upset n jealous, and if my boyfriend jus talk to another girl i'll get upset n didn't want to talk to him for a while. y'know... i always jealous. but i'm confused, i'm a lil jealous of emmi but i don't have any feelings about u. you're like a big brother to me. i dont understand, i can't be in love again since joseph left me, i always still love him, n i still wait 4 him to come back to me and love me again like the way he did. i miss him so much....
i hope u understand....
if there are some words that hurt ur feelings ... i didn't mean that. please forgive me.
ok my brother's become anooying now.
bye steve... reply me soon!
bye.. GBU!



I'm sorry I disappeared for a few days coz I went to Bali! I stay 2 nights in Santika hotel in Kuta n 2 nights in Hard Rock Hotel, I didn't really comfortable in there.... too noisy and it's not a good place to take a rest. I had a good time there but the last day my mom had a bad day so she yelled at me and my brother, if she didn't yell.. that would be a nice holiday :(((((
So.... how's life there ?

(dec 31, 2003)