Home | Mail

Mail2

 

 

Here is a letter I got in 2011. It seems she also sent the same letter to at least two other websites. This is the mail that came with it. She is from Romania.

Oct 19 2011

Hello, my name is Madeleine and my letter for help and advice from you has been attached to this email. Thank you for your care and advice.


Core Topics

Respect | Empathy
Caring | Listening
Understanding


Other EQI.org Topics:

Emotional Literacy
Invalidation | Hugs
Emotional Abuse |
Feeling Words
Depression |Education
Emotional Intelligence
Parenting | Personal Growth

EQI.org Library and Bookstore

--


Hello,

Searching the Internet for a counseling method I found your site and I was encouraged especially by the fact that I can get in touch with a psychologist through a message.

My name is Madalina ____ and I am 25 years old. So far I have been to a psychologist, although it should have. It was mainly because of lack of money and perhaps too much shyness or fear of failure or rejection. I cannot open my soul in front of a person with whom I feel at ease. Instead, the writing is so simple, like a diary.

I’ll start by saying a few things about me. I finished the faculty of political sciences this year and before that the faculty of International Relations and European Studies. I've always been an obedient child. I relied both material and spiritual on my parents and grandparents with whom I live. I was an obedient and maybe a child model, perhaps too good. I always listened to their advice and always acted as they wanted.

Increasingly the relationship between me and my mother began to cool. I began to feel constrained by her opinions and realize that she loves to dominate others and to persuade them to do as she wants, however she just thinks nobody does something right as she does. My mother always lived with her parents. She always says that her parents were the most important persons for her and that she seldom argued with my father for defending them. Apparently I should have the same attitude. She always reproaches me that I’m not listening to her but am I not entitled to a life outside them in independence and freedom?

Last summer I met a boy that I love, the first guy in my life. We love each other more each day. The only problem is that my mother does not like him. Two months after I met him she made me a monster scandal. From that on the fragile communication between us was broken for good.

I received reproaches like: “He is ugly, how can you look at someone like him, I do not want to see the child that could come up, I cannot stand him because I think he is lazy, you will regret if you marry him, you will have to choose between him and me, you will be alone because he will not help you and me either, it will be just you and him without me in your lives, I think you would not care even if you saw me dead if you have him you are just fine, you don’t care for me, what can he offer you except for his love and so on."

And especially the problem that he couldn’t find a job.

I’ve always been a good child, I listened to them, wouldn’t I have deserved to receive confidence and freedom? I don’t understand. Neither did he understand. I gave up. I closed in my inner space and I suffered in silence, as always.


Once I went with him to the capital and I returned with some friends of his in their car. We got home at 10 pm. Mother was waiting in the yard: "How much have you earned so far on the streets?" he asks. I never felt more humiliated. Reproaches followed: come at this hour like a "bitch". These words I’ll never forget.

Then his mother, who works in Italy, invited me and him for Christmas holidays. Mother hardly accepted. She couldn’t have done anything because his mother already bought the tickets.

My boyfriend and I made love for the first time after three months we met. Of course my parents did not know. They would have caught fire. The big problem for my mother was the fact that I’m going to sleep at the hotel with him. She doesn’t agree. Still driving me crazy. I’m I not mature enough to do what I want with my life? Do all these intimate things must be dissected and approved by others? The night before my departure to Italy in my backpack mother finds some birth control pills, comes to my room and asks me as if the sky fell in that moment with a voice full of contempt, hatred and reproach: "Since when do you sleep with Alexander? " I felt like dying instantly. I argued that the pills are to be taken from the beginning of the menstrual cycle and I started to take them as I was going to make love for the first time with him in vacation. She hardly believed me but I felt like dying.

In November last year my grandfather suffered a stroke and became paralyzed on the left. Coming home from the hospital the madness strarted. We all care for him but my mother overreacts so she smashes things over, slams herself on the face when she is extremely upset. If Grandpa does not eat is bad for everyone. House is like hell. Slowly, grandfather slightly recovered. The situation is like the waves, when bad when well. When my grandfather feels good she’s happy, when he's sick she wends crazy. She doesn’t care about anybody. Only her father matters to her.

I never ask for an advice from my mother because she always stares at me with anger not love or care, always criticizing me: “I told you…” Therefore I never ask her for advice. I'm afraid of her. She permanently psychologically hurts me. I do not argue with her anymore because I tried and was unsuccessful. When she reproaches something to me I remain silent and she says that I do not care but this is not true. I do care and her behavior hurts me like hell. I’m emotionally down. I went to a psychiatrist and I’m on sertraline now. But when I get upset I’m sick, I feel the need to throw out, I’m dizzy and I tremble. I want to leave the house and the city but because of my lack of experience is very hard to find a job. For me the only solution is to move on with my boyfriend far away from the house, that both get a job and have our own private life. This is all I want: privacy, freedom and love.

In her mind only she has the right opinions.

She reproaches me that Alexander and I meet daily. Like we were having a program because we see ourselves from 2 30 roughly to 7, 7 30 PM. Sleeping together isn’t even the case.

Once when I argued with her for my right to come at home at any time she was mad with rage. For her this is a right that I will have only when I’m in my house. I remained quiet and swallowed it all, swallowed again and again reproaches that destroy me. I do not know what to do.

Now my only hope is to find some work with Alexander in the capital and move with him there. They will not agree of course but this will not prevent me because then I'll have my money.

Recently my mother told me that she won’t let me to work in a supermarket or arrange merchandise in a shop because I’m overqualified and the people will laugh at me. But I want to work. I want to be finally free to live, to do what I want without having to depend on anyone.

I clean the house every day, I buy the food from the market and my mother sits all day and babysits my grandfather as with a child. And then the reproaches come that I do nothing more than to walk around all day long with Alexander and so on.

She has many problems involving Alexander: the fact that he is not working, he did not want to go to a school where my mother said him to go, that he has no driver license, that he lives on the money his mother sends back home from abroad. Although he always came to help my parents with works around the house when he was called, always looked for a job, although I love him and he treats me flawless, I feel happy as never before, fulfilled, free and comfortable with him. I love him and we are happy but apparently that's not enough for my mother. She does not like him and I should desire what she desires and enjoy only what pleases her.

She lost me forever by the way she treats me but I’m still hurt and destroyed mentally when she reproaches me that Alexander is so and so and not the way she wants.

My email stretched too much. Thank you for your patience to listen my problems. I do not know anymore how to approach these problems. My father accused of not talking to my mother sufficiently, that I did not confess to her what I do with Alexander, she wants to know more from pure curiosity. But after all that had happened between us everything is broken. They never behaved to me as friends but always with reproach.

Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating, I cannot continue like this anymore.

Why can’t they understand that I have the right to live, I am 25 years old and I deserve to live and be free. They have to let me to grow up.

Thank you for listening with great interest and I expect a response from you to illuminate the path that I walk on.

Madalina _____ Romania, city of Giurgiu