| EQI Home NVC Letter to NVC Members I write this for members of the NVC community, from the perspective of someone who is not a "member" but who is considering becoming a trainer, and who feels very supportive of many of Marshall Rosenberg's main ideas. I write it with the intention to help the current NVC community members, and to help me clarify my own thoughts. In particular, I would like to help the NVC community become more widely accessible and received. I believe I share John Kinyon's thoughts when he says, "I want the language of needs to be universally known throughout the world." I thank John for these words because they have helped me feel inspired to write what I have below. -- Sept 8, 2012 Yesterday when I searched "NVC" and "cult" I found some interesting articles. They helped me become more clear about a few things which I will try to explain here. I will start by a quote I found from John Kinyon.
I found this quote when I searched "NVC" and "cult." I searched the two together because too many cult-like warning bells were always going off when I read about NVC and watched NVC videos. I felt a need to read some opposing views. I wanted to read what the "skeptics" had do say about NVC. My partner, by the way, feels very skeptical of anything to do with NVC now. She can only tolerate me talking about it for a limited time before she feels drained by all the NVC terms and beliefs. I feel sad about this but at the same time I value her feelings, her needs and her thoughts. So I decided to see what other "skeptics" had to say. And I am very glad that I did, and I am thankful for my partner's skepticism. It has helped me clarify the differences between Marshall's ideas and beliefs, and mine. I say "Marshall" because I feel I know him pretty well now, after reading so much of his writing, watching his videos etc. I am in Portugal on a train as I write this and right at this moment I am listening to someone shouting in her phone at her "amor." I can't understand her words, but I can understand she is verbally attacking him and mocking him. And I can understand she is in a lot of pain. So much that it brings tears to my eyes. She needs someone to help her. Someone that cares. Someone that understands. Someone who won't try to force their ideas or their "help" on her. Now she has calmed down a lot. I heard her say "claro." The Portugese and the Spanish use it something like "Yes" or "I agree." I want to go help her. Then I realize: No one is helping her! Even though many of us turned and looked. No one helped her. I could help her by just saying, "Problemas?" And then listening. It wouldn't matter much what I said. Just like when I gave the silent hug. I didn't even say anything that day. Yet it helped. It helped a lot. This is one of the points I want to make about NVC. It isn't the "process." It is the understanding. The awareness. The education. The knowledge. I don't mind if they call it the "NVC consciousness." At least not if they don't overdo it. One man who turned twice to look at her is reading a sports tabloid. What does he know about listening to someone in pain? What does he know about how to help someone in emotional pain? Sadly, he probably knows next to nothing. Or at least he doesn't care enough to use any knowledge he might have. I am so tempted to try to speak to that woman myself.... I would just smile caringly and compassionately, and say, "Problemas...?" Or I could say "Fala ingles?" (Do you speak English?) ... Ok, so I just tried... But it didn't go very far. She looked at me with skepticism. I said, "Disculpa, falla ingles?" But by then she was already feeling guarded, I'd say. Probably too many people have said, "Excuse me..." when they didn't want to help her. This reminds me of the postman in my condo in Florida who said, "Can I help you?" It hurts me now, it really hurts me, that he didn't want to help me at all. He wanted to control me. He wanted to control my behavior. He didn't care about me or my needs. He used me, or tried to, to fill some of his unmet need for feeling in control, or being in control. He wanted me not to reach into the my little box to take out my mail before he had finished putting all the mail away. It was then that it became very clear to me that many people say, "Can I help you?" when they are feeling afraid or controlling, rather than actually feeling a desire to help. So anyhow, I tried to convey to the woman that I was trying to show some compassion. She seemed to understand that a little. I tried to say "Are you ok? She kind of shrugged her shoulders. I realized I wasn't getting far, and I felt self-conscious for standing there, with others watching me. So I just said "Good luck" as best I could in Portuguese. The woman had a lot of tatooes on her arm, and I felt a little intimidated. She seemed "rough," in other words, possibly violent. I would bet my life on the fact that she was hit as a child. Yes, I mean that. I would bet my life on it. How can I be so sure? This takes me to another topic I want or need to address. Knowledge and authority. The reason I can be so sure that I would bet my life on it is the knowledge I have picked up from my life experiences. My life experience are one of my primary sources of knowledge. This leads me to the connection between knowledge and authority. I read once that knowledge was one "source of authority." That probably makes sense to most people. If I know a lot about something, and people need that knowledge or can use it somehow, then I have some "authority" with them. I can get their attention, let's say. Maybe they will even pay me for it, as they did when I had my own little computer software consulting business back in the USA many years ago. So I come to what I believe is a very important question: Where does someone's authority come from? More specifially, where does Marshall Rosenberg's authority or knowledge come from? Are they the same? Or are they different? Does his authority come only from his knowledge? Marshall has a lot of invaluable experience. There is no questioning that. Yet I am reminded of the kings who claimed to get their authority from God. I am not saying Marshall makes this claim, but he comes too close to it for my comfort, and I believe for the comfort of many people who are neither religious nor "spititual." And when I read that he says things like this about what he calls "Beloved Divine Energy" I also feel worried that he is narrowing the audience for his ideas:
And I worry that people will use this kind of statement as evidence it is a "self-improvement cult" as one person has already labeled it. I will also say that when I often feel preached to when Marshall speaks. I know that "preached to" would not be a feeling in NVC language, but I will use it to make another point briefly. That point is that Marshall states, with what appears to be a lot of authority, that such words are not really feelings, but rather evaluations or thoughts. I, however, am not so sure. I find that I don't agree with Marshall on all of his definitions of feelings and neeeds, but that is a topic for a complete article. I discuss it somewhat in this article on cause and effect, but incompletely, or let's say not to my satisfaction, so I plan to write more about it. Now let me jump to the organization called CNVC. As I see it, CNVC now is a "central bank", let's say, of NVC "knowledge." Or at least it seems they want to be that. When I say "they," I don't even know who I am talking about specifically. And that is a bit of a worry to me. I don't know if "they" care about or value me. But I do know that "they" have aligned themselves with the US legal system. When I say aligned I mean they have chosen to rely on the US legal rules about contracts and copyrights, which are, of course, backed up by the full power of the US government -- a power which personally frightens me a great deal. I say CNVC is relying upon the power of the US government because of my reading of the CNVC agreement, or contract, with their "Certified Trainers." Here is an excerpt:
CNVC is also the "central bank" of what I will call NVC money. What I mean by "NVC money" is money made from training people on how to use NVC ideas. I am over-simplifying a bit, but I trust the reader will be able to get my main ideas. CNVC is either requesting or requiring the greater of 10% of a trainer's annual revenue, or $300 US dollars per year. See full excerpt below. What worries me is that trainers around the world are sending some of their money to a central place. That money is then, it seems to me, used as a goverment would use taxes, i.e. both to help and control its citizens or members. The worry, of course, is how much of the former is done and how much of the latter. Another concern I have is what will happen when Marshall dies? Marshall is by no doubt a visionary. I fear, though, that he is also a bit charismatic. I fear some are "converted" to become his "followers" in a way which is uncomfortably close to how one religion converts members to another. More specifially, I fear that Marshall's ideas could become too much of a "system" - a concern I have noticed is shared by others. Still more specifically, I fear that there are those who will try to apply his "system" without deeply understanding what I will call the "big picture." The big picture as I sense it, is hard for me to describe, but I will try to put it in my words. It has to do with more than non-violence. It has to do with more than empathy. It is more than conflict resolution. It is more than a new or improved form of communication. I believe it is entirely possible, for example, to have improved communication in the same culture of domination. For example, if we consider that the US courts could become involved in NVC matters, the belief in improved communication is unlikely to have much real impact. The fact that CNVC would include this clause is a major warning bell to me that someone has not fully understood Marshall's ideas, or someone thing else has gone wrong somewhere along the way. I also plan to write more about this part of the quote from John...
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