examples

from "book_edited.txt"	need Examples of Observing Behavior
The woman in this dialogue wanted to learn to hear the feelings and needs behind certain of her husband’s statements. I suggested that she guess at his feelings and needs and then check it out with him. Husband’s statement: “What good does talking to you do? You never listen.” Woman: “Are you feeling unhappy with me?” MBR: “When you say ‘with me,’ you imply that his feelings are the result of what you did. I would prefer for you to say, ‘Are you unhappy because you were needing . . . ?’ and not ‘Are you unhappy with me?’ It would put your attention on what’s going on within him and decrease the likelihood of your taking the message personally.” Woman: “But what would I say? ‘Are you unhappy because you . . . ?’ Because you what?” MBR: “Get your clue from the content of your husband’s message, ‘What good does talking to you do? You never listen.’ What is he needing that he’s not getting when he says that?” Woman: (trying to empathize with the needs being expressed through her husband’s message) “Are you feeling unhappy because you feel like I don’t understand you?” MBR: “Notice that you are focusing on what he’s thinking and not what he’s needing. I think you’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you. Instead of hearing that he’s unhappy because he thinks you don’t listen, focus on what he’s needing by saying, ‘Are you unhappy because you are needing . . . ’” Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking about us. Woman: (trying again) “Are you feeling unhappy because you are needing to be heard?” MBR: “That’s what I had in mind. Does it make a difference for you to hear him this way?” Woman: “Definitely—a big difference. I see what’s going on for him without hearing that I had done anything wrong.”
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest, “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.	anger
Finally, a fourth option in receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
Example 1 A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.” B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.” Speaker A attributes responsibility for the disappointment solely to the action of the other person. In B, the feeling of disappointment is traced to the speaker’s own desire that was not being fulfilled.	still blaming, gt-ing what can the other person say except sorry or something defensive and what if the other person said they would come? aren't they in any way responsible?
Example 2 A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!” B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.” Speaker A attributes her irritation solely to the behavior of the other party, whereas Speaker B accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind it. She recognizes that her blaming way of thinking has generated her irritation. In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to re-hire the workers we had laid off last year.”	irritated?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions. Am I hearing you right? He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books? I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment . . . He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here! I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions? p 14 NVC L of Life
2. “ Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”
“You people are acting like a bunch of Nazis.” A statement like that is not likely to get the cooperation of a group of Israelis! Almost immediately, an Israeli woman jumped up and countered, “Mukhtar, that was a totally insensitive thing for you to say!” Here were people who had come together to build trust and harmony, but after only one interchange, matters were worse than before they began. This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need. In this case, the woman could have responded to the Mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?”	He doesn't suggest that she listen, try to understand the mukhtar
I want you to tell me what you heard me say. p