Are you willing...

I asked my partner how she might feel if I said this to her:

- I am feeling hungry. Are you willing to cook some food for me?

She listed and explained a number of feelings she might have. These included:

* Responsible - She might feel responsible for making sure I had something to eat.

* Pressured - She might feel pressured to answer either yes or no. Or feel pressured to say "yes."

- Afraid of feeling guilty later. - She might feel afraid that if she says "no" she will feel guilty after saying it.

* Underestimated - She might think "You didn't need to ask me to cook for you. I would have been happy to do it, and I could have figured out that solution by myself."

* Trapped/locked in; limited - A question like this implies only two obvious options for answering, either yes or no. Thus a person's options are limited.

* Disempowered - When someone directly or indirectly tells us what our options are, especially if there are only two, it takes away a bit of our power to generate our own alternatives and make our own decisions. My partner said she remembers someone saying something like "Each child needs to know that they are the source of their actions."

* Disrespected, Not Understood, Devalued, Not Cared About - If someone just asks if we are willing to do something, and we are not invited or allowed to explain why we might not want to or be able to do it, we probably would not feel respected, valued, understood, or cared about. In other words, the person asking the questions may seem to be (or actually be) more interested in getting you to do what they want, than they are in you and your feelings.

She said that over time a person could begin to feel resentful if they were constantly questioned in this way. At first they might not even be aware that on some level, perhaps very, very low, they feel a degree of each of these feelings.