From Ike Lasater - see below
Differentiating between feelings and evaluations of what
others are doing.
For example, when I say, "I feel criticized by you." I
am probably telling you my interpretation of your conduct. And
further I am probably suggesting you are doing something to me
with a connotation of wrongness or blame. Instead, I would prefer
to focus on which of my needs I am concerned will not be met by
what you said or did and, how I am feeling as a result. The
following might be suggestions intended as an aid to get to the
feeling and needs that are behind these kinds of evaluation
words.
| WHEN YOU SAY: | WHAT MIGHT YOU BE FEELING? | WHAT MIGHT YOU BE NEEDING? |
| Abandoned | Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely | Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring |
| Abused | Angry, frustrated, frightened | Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration, need for all living things to flourish |
| Attacked | Scared, angry | Safety |
| Belittled | Angry, frustrated, tense, distressed | Respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation |
| Betrayed | Angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged | Trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity |
| Blamed | Angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt | Accountability, causality, fairness, justice |
| Cheated | Resentful, hurt, angry | Honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability |
| Coerced | Angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared | Choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely |
| Cornered | Angry, scared, anxious, thwarted, | Autonomy, freedom |
| Criticized | In pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed | Understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication |
| Harassed | Angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened | Respect, space, consideration, peace |
| Hassled | Irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated | Serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space |
| Ignored | Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed | Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation |
| Insulted | Angry, embarrassed | Respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition |
| Intimidated | Scared, anxiety | Safety, equality, empowerment |
| Invalidated | Angry, hurt, resentful | Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, recognition |
| Invisible | Sad, angry, lonely, scared | To be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community |
| Isolated | Lonely, afraid, scared | Community, inclusion, belonging, ;contribution |
| Left out | Sad, lonely, anxious | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
| Let down | Sad, disappointed, frightened | Consistency, trust, dependability, consistency |
| Manipulated | Angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated | Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness |
| Mistrusted | Sad, angry | Trust |
| Misunderstood | Upset, angry, frustrated | To be heard, understanding, clarity |
| Neglected | Lonely, scared | Connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration |
| Patronized | Angry, frustrated, resentful | Recognition, equality, respect, mutuality |
| Pressured | Anxious, resentful, overwhelmed | Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration |
| Provoked | Angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful | Respect, consideration |
| Put down | Angry, sad, embarrassed | Respect, acknowledgment, understanding |
| Rejected | Hurt, scared, angry, defiant | Belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection |
| Ripped off/screwed | Angry, resentment, disappointment | Consideration, justice, fairness, acknowledgement, trust |
| Smothered/Suffocated | Frustrated, fear, desperation | Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self expression |
| Taken for granted | Sad, angry, hurt, disappointment | Appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration |
| Threatened | Scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant | Safety, autonomy |
| Unappreciated | Angry, frustrated, hurt, frustrated | Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, consideration |
| Unheard | Sad, hostile, frustrated | Understanding, consideration, empathy |
| Unloved | Sad, bewildered, frustrated | Love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community |
| Unseen | Sad, anxious, frustrated | Acknowledgment, appreciation, to be heard |
| Unsupported | Sad, hurt, resentful | Support, understanding |
| Unwanted | Sad, anxious, frustrated | Belonging, inclusion, caring |
| Used | Sad, angry, resentful | Autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality |
| Victimized | Frightened, helpless | Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice |
| Violated | Sad, agitated, anxiety | Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect |
| Wronged | Angry, hurt, resentful, irritated | Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness |
© 2003 Ike Lasater, www.wordsthatwork.us