Guestbook

----- Original Message -----
From: "Denisse
To: steve
Sent: Monday, June 04, 2001 7:05 PM
Subject: Certification

> Hello Steve,
>
> I had the opportunity to know about you last year. I started reading the EI
> book, then I moved, and I didn't finished it.
>
> My boss is asking me if you, in some way, certified people to train using EQ.
>
> I know you explain two types of test. I would like to know more about those
> tests and the certification.
>
> Thanks a lot for your time.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Denisse

Hi Denise,

I don't organize any kind of certification process. I am not real sure I
even believe in the concept. I think it is mostly a way for consultants to
make money. Hay/Mcber, I just read, is charging $5,000 to get "certified" on
the Goleman/Boyatzis personality profile - I can't call it an EI test
because I don't believe it is. Maybe I will start calling it the CCI - the corporate
competencies inventory, for that is more what it seems to be.

I am not sure if you are talking about my online EQ for Everybody book or
which one. I want to make sure you have the right guy. I think you do, but
just checking. I am also not sure what you mean when you say I talk about 2
kinds of tests. Maybe an ability test and a self-report.

The first is like a typing test. The second is like asking someone how fast
do you type. The Mayer Salovey Caruso test is an ability test. The others
which claim to be EI tests are either self-report (like the EQi) or a
combination of self-report and asking others for their opinion, which would
be like asking others how fast do you think I type.

If I can help more, let me know.

Also there is a workshop on EI tests which is decent but costs around 2,000
led by David Caruso in August. I went to the one last month. I could tell
you more about it if you want.

Steve

>Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 21:08:43 CEST
>
>I've never read a more usefull site than yours, I completely agree with you
>on everything, the feel word list is really handy, i didn't know you
>could feel so many things, i'm a 17 years old guy from holland and can't
>quitte transalate them all but i'm gonna try. This site really helped me
>analyse myself and got more aware of myself, it feals great to know what
>exactually goes on with yourself. Ok see ya and great work!
>
>Ben

I find your Emotional Intelligence page very interesting and stimulating. I am presently doing some work on myself in this respect (at the age of 49 one has to put a little bit of order even within oneself). My problem is that I have been subjected more or less continually during my whole life to what you call Invalidation, on the part of members of my family, principally my mother, because I am not as I am supposed that I have to be, and during the last years also on the part of my wife, who - in a way - continues the destructive work of my family. I am working to raise my self-esteem which was very low until some time ago. Accademically, I have a BA (summa cum laude), a Masters, a Ph.D (suma cum laude), a score of 129 in the Raven SPM-test, and yet I am absolutely not what one calls a succesful man in life, all the contrary. I think that this has to do with the fact that, in spite of having a decent IQ, my EQ is probably low due to the fact that I have been wrongly programmed by my family. I have read your EQ for Everybody (1996) book. I liked it and I shall re-read parts of it and try to learn from it. Nevertheless, I would like to read something more on how to behave when one it bombed continuously by invalidating expressions on the part of certain family members. How does a high EQ person manage such situations? So my question is: do you have material on this specific point? (Maybe there is in your page, but I did not find it, or maybe you say something in your book, but I did not notice it; in thess cases I apologize.) Thank you very much for your help.

Thank you for your message. I especially like to hear from people who are smart in the traditional definition, because I think they have the most to benefit from my work and the most to contribute to the world.

I will give you a quick answer first to your question. I will tell you what I have done with regard to my family. I simply stopped communicating with them. In three years I have seen my mother once. I have spoken to her maybe 6 times. I was the youngest of six children. So I had seven people telliing me how I should behave, feel, think, etc. Now I just communicate on a regular basis with one brother, who has beel labeled as "manic depressive." As you know manic depressive people (I really don't like that label) are typically very intelligent. I believe they are also very emotionally sensitive and have been repeatedly invalidated. This at least was my brother's case. So he and I can understand each other a bit. But he did not learn what I learned soon enough and he did not leave the family soon enough. He is now vastly underutilizing himself, with hardly any motivation, because he was never allowed to "find himself" to be himself. He was always under the heavy shadow of my mother and other authority figures. He rebelled against them, but never walked quietly and firmly away from them to live his own life. He is stuck in the middle now-- a no man's land.

I read once that your family is not necessarily the people you grew up with. I have kept this mind as people tell me "you can't leave your family..." But I did and I am more peaceful and more sure of myself now. I am slowly making contact with some of them again. My oldest sister was just here to visit me in Canada. By the way my mother as recent as last year said "You can't leave your family and your country." But I did, I left the USA which I believe is a very sick society.

At anyrate, now that I am more sure of myself and my values, and I have separated them from those of my family and childhood society, I can have some communication with them. But they now longer have the same power over me. My family's opinion, certain members in particular, mattered too much to me, their influence was too great. I cared too much about what they thought. I felt judged and unsupported and controlled and lectured to.

When I started to actually label my feelings and rate them, I realized how bad the situation was. Before I went along with it. This is one of the great values of identifying your feelings. Not so much for telling others how you feel, because if you are around people who invalidate you, there is little point to sharing feelings. I believe it is better to let your feelings guide you towards people who will accept you, at a minimum, even if they don't validate you, as ideally would be nice.

But when you realize you feel invalidated, I think about all you can do is tell them you feel invalidated and if they get defensive, tell you you are reading too many psychology books, as my mother did, then I believe it is healthier for you to reduce your contact and communication with them.

It may help also to realize that the reason they invalidate you is because your individuality threatens them. Your growth threatens them. They are insecure people, and insecure people are the most defensive. One can be very bright and very insecure. In fact the cognitive distortions which I have under cds.htm on my site fuel their insecurities. Smarter people can make up more unreal fears faster, let's say.

For a while I was searching for others to validate me, now I feel more content in validating my own feelings. I wrote extensively in my own personal journal. I shared much of it with my web readers for two years and only recently took it off. I got some support from people I never met. More than I got from my own family. And I went to some groups, like men's groups 12 step groups etc (though I did not like the "god" and higher power stuff)

So, maybe all of this will be of some interest to you. Besides this, another thing which may help is to try to figure out what the other person is feeling when they invalidate you. Or try to figure out what their values and beliefs are which cause them to say what they say. You repeat back to them what they said, rather than defend yourself. You say, "so in other words, you think x" Or you feel y, or you believe z? What they probably really want and need is a chance to express themselves. When you give them this opportunity and they feel "heard" maybe they will leave you alone!

Also, when you repeat back to them what they think, feel, believe, you are helping separate what is "Them" and "their stuff" from what is about you. Most of the time what people say, especially insecure people, has very little to do with us. It has more to do with them. So you try not to take it personally. You try to see them as just another product of some unhealthy programming. And if you are in Switzerland, probably this programming included religion, the Christian religion, most likely. I have found that the Christian religion is like emotional poison to a sensitive intelligent person.

Thank you very much for your detailed answer to my message. I am going on in my personal battle and I hope to be the winner, some day.

I agree with your answer. Maybe, as a practicing Catholic I may point to the fact that there are elements in the Church who are changing. Lately I read a book, written by a Swiss priest, Josef Heinzman (born 1925), with the title "Sei nett zu dir selbst" (Be nice to yourself) which says and justifies (on the basis of the Gospel, i.e. the original ideas of Jesus Christ) a lot of ideas and principles that are completely compatible with modern psychology, emotional intelligence, etc. I have talked to several persons (among them a priest) about this book (which is considered a very good book) and all admit that there is something changing in a positive direction (even) in the Church. I tell you this, because I personally fell assured when I find that in effect there are no contradictions in a certain field. Many times I have the impression that the apparent contradictions we come across, are simply the result of extreme interpretations on the part of persons who consider themselves too important and want to show off.

The other day someone wrote and asked "what is the difference between emotions and feelings"?

I have never seen a good answer to this question, so I have given it some thought myself.

Feelings, in the way I use the word, seem to be shorter, more transient. Feelings also seem more specific. Emotions seem to be accumulations of feelings.

In terms of brain connections and the body, a feeling may be closer to a thought than an emotion.

For example, I might say "I feel disrespected." But this isn't really an emotion and I probably don't have much of a body response to this "feeling."

A problem with the words is that they overlap. For example, I can also say I feel depressed and this is more of an emotion in the sense of it being more general, of longer duration and having more of a body component.

Probably through hundreds of years of misuse we have confused the meaning of the two words. Emotion comes from a latin root word which means, as I recall, to put into motion. But even that doesn't really apply to the emotions of sadness or depression.

One could go through my feeling words list and say "Is this a feeling or an emotion or both?"

Unfortunately we do not have very precise definitions of the two words. I may later add some "academic" definitions so you can see how poorly the two words are defined and how unclear the distinctions are between them even in the academic world which tries so hard to be precise.

I love this page. Of three years searching the internet for something meaningful. I think I've found something that will give me a lift and a productive use for the internet....ie other than looking up porn. I would really like to see more links added as well as some self motivation links added. Could you possibly direct me to some more links? I really am enjoying this page and think it awesome that someone has actually put up such powerful and exciting information available for all to read.

I came upon your writings while studying the material on emotional intelligence on the Internet. I noticed that my absolute favorite authors are not on your reading list. The notion of "managing emotions" and "follow your own teachings" is quite impossible without first knowing your emotions profoundly. And there are methods of getting in touch with emotions so as to make all "managing" superfluos. I recommend therefore two books that have helped me immensely: J. Konrad Stettbacher: Making Sense of Suffering (1991) and Jean Jenson: Reclaiming Your Life (1995). Stettbacher is Swiss and Jenson is American. Without knowing anything about each other they have developed self help-methods that are very similar and serve the same purpose, healing the old wounds that you have long since forgotten (or rather: it is not that you have forgotten them necessarily, you have just never dared to feel their real impact - which is quite understandable: had you dared to feel their real impact you might have died as a child), but which hurt you every day, although you are not conscious of them.

I found your website today when doing a search on the topic of emotional intelligence, and have been here for hours! I can see that you are a bright and sensitive person, and the information you have on your website to share with any who are interested is very interesting to me. I enjoy your honesty. I think it's true that those of us who didn't feel heard as children are the most passionate about the rights of children to be heard. I am a third grade teacher on the west coast of Canada, and have been doing "feelings based" teaching for many years. My favourite phrase for treating people in an emotionally intelligent way is "loving presence". When we can let go of our own baggage, to the best of our ability, and really be present in a loving way to others, then we can hear them, validate them, all those things you listed in your "Friendships" page. We certainly don't make any progress in relationships of any kind by being critical. I also understand the pain you feel when you witness abusive events; it's like that a lot being a teacher and seeing how my students do not get the emotional care they deserve from their parents. It's exhausting spending the days with a class composed of so many emotionally deprived children, but I know they need me and I keep on doing the best I can. Some days I know my best isn't that great. Discovering websites such as yours helps me to feel motivated to keep trying.

Thank you very much for putting together and maintaining your web site. It has been extremely useful for me. I particularly enjoy the way you take academic concepts and language and translate them into terms lay people can understand. Thank you for that.

I am an adult affected with Moebius syndrome, and would like to receive a
list containing all the feeling words. Moebius - (congenital facial
paralysis - inability to show feelings via facial expression). For such
individuals, oftentimes we are 'presumed' -dumb, uncaring, aloof, etc. - all
presumptions which make a physical disability even less acceptable.

I would like to identify 'key' words within your list, and suggest that
individuals with Moebius provide examples of them in "use".... I am going to
use "KidPix" and make a 'slide show' of how people 'without' facial
animation show feelings (or something similar)

Go to http://www.moebius1.org and learn a little (there are other sites as
well).

Sandy

I am a Chinese who has lived in the U.S. for 20 years. I was brought up the traditional way but have always felt that I belong to somewhere else. And that somewhere else is here. I have since reparented myself to be and think and feel like well myself and now I feel like an alien among my own people. When a Chinese is sad over something you are supposed to say "oh don't be sad. There is nothing to be sad about. You need be strong." And I'd say "That IS sad" People look at me like "You are weird."

I can't start telling you how many times a Chinese parent's comments to their children hurts me because I hear no respect in it at all. One mother was telling me how she was treatening her family that she was thinking of moving out because her 27-year-old son had dyed his hair. She ordered him to wash it out because she couldn't stand having such a son. She also told me once that her same son had started wearing a necklace and she couldn't stand the sight of it and wanted my advice to help her make him take it off. Her reason: Men don't wear necklaces. Her son complied to both surprisingly because she had treatened to cut off all her financial support for him and would not give his key to his car.

I feel sad. I feel like a drop in the ocean trying to educate people to at least respect others. I come to your site to feel supported and accepted. But sad too because none of those high EQ habits I have found in my circle of friends or family. I want to give up and join the crowd.

If I want to keep my Chinese ties it seems that I need to be just like them which I don't know how any more. I went to see the Les Miserables and started crying not long into the show. My husband sat next to me and when he sensed that I was wiping my face he was ready to mock me for crying for just a show and that's when I pretended I wasn't crying, just something bothering my eyes to avoid his ridicule.

I was looking for additional information to support a case study I am conducting for a course leading to my graduate degree in special education. I found your insights easy to read and interpret. Your web site address will be included in my final report. Thank you. Donna

I am thoroughly inpressed with your web site. I am a teacher trainer in
Staten Island, and I strongly believe in the need to teach feelings and
conflict resolution on a regular basis in the classroom. I taught
emotionally disturbed children for 18 years before my current job, and I
always integrated these types of lessons into my curriculum. My goal now is
to convince others of the need to do so as well. I will willingly contribute
to your list, and I am looking forward to viewing it in its entirety.

I'm glad that you're back in the states, however I think I understand your reluctance to leave. Though I have never been to Canada myself, it has been a dream for many years. I was blown away when I saw how they did the Olympics the year they had it (was it 1988?), compared especially with how the USA did it prior to that in Los Angeles!

Theirs is such a human, compassionate culture. Ours can be such a "ridem cowboy" or "let the big dawg eat!" macho, individualism type of a culture.

Although I played a couple of sports (gymnastics in high school and college, and football just 2 years in high school), and very much enjoyed them , I believe that our patriarchal, "macho" society is an illness for our culture and works against the type of empathy and compassion that we all need from one another, in order to become a more "whole", "healthy" "healed" and "holy" people. (I understand that these words are all derived from the same root meaning. I read that somewhere in one of Scott Peck's books.)

Anyhow you wanted to know if you could use my earlier message in your guestbook. While saying yes that it is perfectly fine with me for you to use it with my name if you like, I would like to add that it was written with only you in mind to personally and privately thank you for what your website had provided me with, not to make myself more visible.

I have been truly inspired by your work and have already begun using it in my classroom. I think because of how the material rings true for me, I am able to discuss it more naturally and with more depth than other more "social skills" oriented material. This is probably because with my students it is not that they don't know how to use appropriate social skills or even that they necessarily need more practice at it through role plays and so forth. But they truly are deeply wounded in many ways and are at a deficit in terms of their own emotional needs,-- thereby making it impossible feeling for them to muster up many positive social courtesies that feel genuine at all. And for most of them I think they would rather die than not be genuine!

Good luck to you as you continue your journey. I relate to you in how you struggle with your life experiences that I've read about on your website. I think you know you are a rare and unique soul in our society to be on such a real, soulful and treacherous journey.

PS. By the way, I read in your response to one of your guests on the guestbook after you emailed me back that you are an atheist. As an ex-atheist myself and a preacher's kid I completely respect your beliefs and your stance!

I would like to throw out a thought to ponder. Though I have not met you in person, I feel as though I have "encountered you" through your writing, and I might point out that you have a more true Christian spirit than most Christians I know, in that your interest in, and extension of empathy and compassion to yourself as well as to others is a very loving thing. To me, those who are truly loving, ie they have the means and the incentive to be truly loving in a way that is real to themselves and others, are the "real" Christians.

Most Christians I know are trying to earn their "ticket" to heaven but don't really get this thing about loving, even though Jesus' primary command was "love your neighbor as yourself". I don't think Jesus would have cared whether you were atheist, Buddhist, Hindu or whatever. He would have seen you doing what you're doing and would have known that you were going about doing the same that he was, and that Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. were... learning and teaching about love. That's the way I see it Steve for what it's worth.

Hi Steve,

I must say that you have written the most comprehensive piece on invalidation that I have yet seen. You obviously have a firm grasp on the subject. I think that as the emotional health movement unfolds, the concept of invalidation will be pushed to the forefront where it
belongs.

All the damage that parents do to their children's developing self-concept - shaming, blaming, and punitive retribution - all coalesce into
that one destructive force: the result being the crippling of the "self."

Keep up the good work, Steve! It's so important that we do.

As for my background, I'm a child of experience. My two brothers and I were raised with probably about one tenth of the validation that we needed to become emotionally healthy adults. My younger brother found his inner pain and emptiness to be just too painful, and took his own life at the age of twenty-four.

I can see that it was equally possible for me to take either one of these routes. But somehow, I was blessed to be able to find another way. Through several decades of reading, grief meditations and support from others, I can say that I am almost to the point where I am emotionally thriving. I had to "raise myself," I guess you could say. And I think the quest for emotional health is a lifelong battle, at least for those of us who were so emotionally battered as children.

With Empowered Parenting and my HeartMates stories, I hope that I will be able to contribute to helping other children avoid what I went through, at least to some degree. I can tell by your writing that you feel much the same way about helping others.

I've been getting some good feedback on Empowered Parenting; one professor is even using it as reference material for her Special Populations course: Children of Divorced and Dysfunctional Families. (If you ask me, we ain't that special; to one degree or another, we're the norm).

I plan to investigate your site more thoroughly. It looks like you have a lot of information there. Write back sometime, if you'd like!

Take Care,
Mark Reuther
http://www.living-library.com/HeartMates/

I just read your "Will You Please Listen? A Child's Plea to Adults" and I am most impressed. With this kind of insight into children's emotional needs, maybe you should expound on them a little more and expand your booklet into a book. I'm just curious, were you well listened to as a child? Or did your insight come from rarely being listened to and validated in childhood, as happened with me?

First, the original lines from the piece you mentioned are not mine, so I can't take credit.

But the reason I feel so strongly is probably because nearly no one in my family of 5 siblings and one living parent listens to me to this day. I started to notice it about 4 years ago. Since my mother is still alive and still treats me the same way, I have gotten a lot of insight from the times I see her or talk to her.

I know that I have a big need for self-expression- that is why I write so much. And I know my mother does too, probably because her mother never listened to her. But I believe the parent can't use the child to fill the parent's need for self-expression.

It felt as though I was reading my own words, when I was reading yours. It's pretty ridiculous, when parents do not possess such a basic human emotional skill as the ability to listen, isn't it? And therefore cannot fulfill this basic need within their children: the need to be listened to. It's even stranger that so many of us become entrenched in our "family trance" to the point that, as in your case, you didn't even notice that you were never listened to by your family until well into adulthood.

In my case, this ridiculousness is expressed in the fact that I can't even have a relationship with my own mother because of her problem of self-absorption and her inability to listen. I have avoided talking to her for a very long time because I simply can't stand the endless drone of all the minutia in her life, as well as her unconcern for anything that is happening in mine. I don't even feel guilty about avoiding her any more (at least not much) because I realize that I was not put on this earth to fulfill her need for attention. It was her parent's job to do that for her, which they didn't. And it was her (and my emotionally distant father's) job to do that for me in childhood, which they also didn't.

But knowledge is power, as I can see in your work. And because I know this problem permeates my family system, I am bound and determined to end this multi-generational cycle of emotional neglect in my lifetime with my family. In other words, I pay particular attention to listen to my daughter and validate her "reality of experience" as much as I can. I'm hoping this will make all the difference in her life so that she does not have to suffer a similar fate as ours.

Keep up the good work, Steve! I believe that spreading the word is the only way that we can make a difference.

By the way: Do you happen to know the author of "Will you please listen"? I'd like to read more of his (or her) insights, if he has written anything else.

Mark, Thank for your words. I would like to share them with my readers, if I have your permission.

Hi Steve,

Feel free to use my full name on your site. Indeed, the truth has set me free! I believe that talking about our emotional dysfunctions, as well as our dysfunctional families, to a large degree, has moved beyond the "airing of our family's dirty laundry" perception that our mothers once warned us against. I, for one, plan to push those boundaries to the limit. Using my own wits, force of will, and a great deal of knowledge learned from many excellent authors to substantially improve my emotional health has been my greatest achievement and joy on this earth. I plan to share all that I have learned with anyone who wants to listen.

When you are ready, I'd be interested in hearing your ideas about the cultural and institutional influences upon the inability of so many people in our society to listen well. I always assumed that it was just another garden variety emotional dysfunction that was blindly passed along from generation to generation (although one that is severely damaging to children, to be sure). But I guess some of our age-old sayings like, "children should be seen and not heard," indicate that, at least at one time, there was cultural support for this dysfunction.

Just learning about emotional intelligence and how it will enhance or hinder my ability as an instructor and the ability of my students to learn.

Thanks for all the information that will get me moving in the most appropriate direction.

I am enjoying your EQ News and am interested in trying to teach EQ in the Elementary School. I would also be interested in speaking to people who have used a program in schools. I would be grateful if you could let me know where I can look for this information. Thank you.

Sincerely, Harriet Davis
Third Grade Teacher, Barton Elementary School,
Philadelphia PA USA

Dear Mr. Hein,

I think your web site is wonderful and I feel that the work you are
doing is extremely importent. I would like to volunteer to help you. I would
appreciate it, if you would send me more information.

Sincerely,
Sandra

Your site is wonderful, I discover it by mistake, and made me think a lot of my personal behavior with my relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Specially now that I am going thru a personal stage in my life of reflextion and analizis of what do I do wrong that I separate from the people that really care about me. It really helped me to decide the actions that I finally have to do and I had avoid for a long time. I will start with profesional therapy that will help me define my personal emotions.I think that human relationships are the most complicated, and each of us live in the way that we decided, but sometimes we act just like others want us to behaive. Congratulations on all your work, if this concept starts to be part of the philosophy and values of people, I am sure that in the next millenium we definitlevly are going to have a better world.

I have a rather unique position in the school system. I am a Mental Health Coordinator for Shenandoah Valley Head Start and work from a prevention model with 3-5 year olds. I am very interested in and believe in emotional intelligence. I am currently trying to come up with a list of developmentally appropriate skills for 3-5 year olds to master in Head Start.

I am hoping to also try to measure beginning and ending skills for children who enter and leave Head Start. We currently teach a resiliency model of discipline to Teachers which in turn is taught to the children. I don't know if you are familiar with the Al's Pals lessons developed by Susan Geller, but this is the program that we use to help children to express feelings, care about others, make and keep friends, stop and think, gain self control, solve problems peacefully, use kind words, keep themselves safe and healthy, and understand that tobacco, alcohol and other drugs are not for children. If you have any ideas that would be helpful in working on my list of developmentally appropriate skills I would appreciate the feedback

Your position is an important one. With the homes kids are coming from kids really need prevention programs. Since my main focus is the expression of feelings, I'd suggest developing a list of feeling words which all kids are very familiar with. I find most kids have a very limited vocabulary of feeling words.I have not come up with a list for different age levels. It is something I think is a good idea. Of course, some kids have a much larger vocabulary than others, but it would be a guideline, or a minimum base.

My theory is that our feelings gauge our need fulfillment level. And that our emotional needs are critical to happiness, and teachability, let's say. Also, it is up to each child to be primarily responsible for meeting his own needs in life, so we want to teach him early how to identify his unique needs and how to express them in healthy, non-agressive ways. And then give them skills on problem solving, mediation, conflict resolution etc.

Also, I believe it is important to teach empathy by not putting kids on the defensive--since empathy and defensiveness appear to be mutually exclusive. ie I can't feel for you when I am concerned with my own survival, or perceived threat to it. Another part of teaching empathy is helping kids get in touch with their own feelings. Studies show, and it makes sense and has been the case in my life, that it is easier to imagine what another person is feeling if we have gotten in touch with our own feelings.

Thus we need to keep kids in the feeling mode (ie keep making the connections in the emotional part of the brain) and not push them into the purely intellectual mode, as schools and society do now.A practical way to teach empathy is to ask one children frequently how they feel when they are hurt, upset, etc. as a result of one child's actions. Have the "perpetrator" present to hear the response. Sometimes I will ask the "perp" how he/she feels, or I will share my feelings (I feel bad when I see you hitting Susie and I am afraid you are going to have a hard time keeping friends). This seems to work much better than interrogating them or lecturing them. Studies show that kids have natural empathy. I am convinced we destroy it by putting them into the defensive mode over and over.

An absolute essential ingredient is to get the teachers to start expressing their feelings with 3 word "I feel" messages. I visit lots of schools and almost never hear a teacher express her feelings with feeling words. And sadly, when I ask teachers how they feel, it is very often frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, disrespected, etc. But I believe it is better to label the feeling directly than to express it in tone of voice, body language etc. It is impossible to hide our true feelings very long, and as you know, kids can read emotions long before they can read books!

A big part of high EQ modeling will require staff development for teachers to manage all of their negative emotions. This is one kind of training I just don't see out there, but it is vitally needed.

Hello again,

Thank you for your message. It is good to know that you value honesty.

I think you are on trip now. If so, how was it? Where did you go?

I am in Gainesville, Florida right now. I think I might have told you I sold
my home in Clearwater (near Tampa and St. Petersburg Florida).

I have three laptop computers, my laser printer, books, a bike, a tent etc.
with me in my station wagon.

I put the rest of my things into a small storage room for the summer.

I have been camping for the past week and doing a lot of reading and a
little writing. It is getting very hot in Florida, so I am travelling north.

So that is a bit about my life. I am single, (divorced twice) by the way, so
I travel alone.

On the idea of research- I have one thought to begin with. It concerns the
idea of respect. I believe in the future employees will more and more work
only for those bosses under whom they feel respected.

In the past, workers were treated more like slaves. Obedience and fear-based
authority were the norm. Slowly we are moving from that time period. I
believe the new authority (and the most effective) will be based on respect,
not fear.

So it would be of interest to me to study how much employees feel respected
by their bosses, and how much the bosses feel respected by their
subordinates. Also, how is respect defined by each group. How is it shown.
What helps people in each group feel respected/disrespected.

I would like to know if any manager anywhere has asked his/her subordiates:
how much do you feel respected by my on a scale of 0-10 and how can I
improve it?

There are other feelings which I believe are important such as feeling

appreciated
included,
supported
informed

versus

replaceable
taken for granted

It would be interesting to see if managers would even "dare" to ask such
questions!

Another idea: study how feelings are expressed; how often is the verb "to
feel" follwed by a feeling word (as I discuss here http://eqi.org/elit.htm )

So those are a couple ideas.

Best wishes,

Steve

>I have another question regarding emotions and behavior. Can how we feel about
>ourselves affect how we behave towards others? Here is an example of
>what I mean: If I come home from work feeling bad about myself and see
>my child's shoes in the middle of the floor and get angry at my child, have my
>feelings about myself influenced my behavior? I have been told at my
>agency that feelings or emotions do not influence behavior. Feelings are
>feelings and that is that. I would appreciate your point of view on this matter.

Whoever told you that feelings don't matter is saying that a large part of our brain, and billions of years of evolution can be ignored without damage to society. In my experience most of these same people have been emotionally wounded but have failed to ever acknowledge their own wounds and childhood emotional deprivation. I try to hold back from judging them, and I try to pass feel compassion for them, but sometimes my own intelligence and my own experience is so offended by their comments that I lose my own emotional cool! Fortunately, these people are being proven wrong on a daily basis, with scientific research (see "Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence: Educational Implications", by Salovey and Sluyter, for example) You know that your own emotions matter, you don't need research to confirm it, right!? By the way, be sure to read http://eqi.org/emotions.htm on the importance of emotions if you haven't already. Best wishes. Thanks for your questions and sorry for the delay!

Date: Sunday, May 02, 1999
Subject: a question from Annie!

Hi, my name is Annie.I´m an 18 year old student living in Sweden.
I´m doing a project about EQ, and I have this question that I could use a
little help with. I can´t seem to find how to distinct "social competence"
from "emotionell intelligence". If you have the time to help me out here I
would be very grateful. Thanks in advance. /Annie

Hi Annie,

I am happy to hear from you. Here are my thoughts.
First, it is a very good question you ask of me! It is a bit tough!

Okay, what I think ( and this is my personal opinion, not from a text
book)... a person can have the right "manners" and actions and be thought
of as socially competent.

One can be "polite," for example. One can "show respect " by saying "Yes,
sir, no sir" (like they force people to do in the US military). One can
follow all the social rules and cultural customs.

If a person did all of this, he/she would probably be thought of as
"socially competent."

But this doesn't mean the person is emotionally intelligent. You can read my
definition of EI on my web page, so I won't repeat it. Here I want to say
that to me, in my opinion, when a person is emotionally intelligent he
listens to his own feelings and places them above social rules and customs.
He is emotionally honest. He tells people how he feels, with empathy, even
though it will hurt them. He does what feels good to him (as long as it
doesn't physically or intentionally hurt someone). He lets his feelings
guide him to a very personal and individual form of happiness.

This means he doesn't always follow social rules and accept standard
definitions of success. He doesn't allow others to tell him what he "should"
or "must" do.

He might show empathy when others say "forget about it." He might not feel
guilty when others think he should, if he has acted with integrity and not
violated his own standards. In other words, he listens to his conscience. He
would not participate in the killing of Jews, for example, just because he
was ordered to.

Well, those are a few of my thoughts! Hope this helps!!

Steve

Just a note to let you know that your site gave me some wonderful information
for a rather lengthy term paper I am writing for a Human Growth and
Development class I am enrolled in. Thanks!
Amanda
University of Illinois at Chicago

Congratulations!
Everything you wrote is very interesting and helped me to better understand what EI is. I am working on one of my final projects for the Leadership class and my favorite subject is EI.
I read both Dr. Goleman's books and I must confess that I'm impressed. I wish I knew all this ten years ago, but is not very late now either.
Good luck!
Respectfully,
Adina, California State University, Fresno

Steve,

Wonderful sight on EI . A wonderful resource for a more mindful world

alastair- australia

Just trying to get a better understanding of how to explain myself. Not knowing the right words to say has become quite a problem for me and my marriage.

Hi Steve,

First I would like to say... I Love Your Site! I was just given a
psyc eval today and was told my IQ is Very High tested at 153, but my EQ
(Which I had never even heard of) is still in a Grade School level...
Which, they said is not a good thing!

For so many years I've looked up and have worked at trying to emulate
Mr. Spock... Now I found out that I've gotten pretty close to
success... But It's not a Good Thing and I need to raise my EQ...

I found your site trying to find information on this and I'll say it
again... I love your site! It's packed with information, that us IQ
Dominant people depend on! LOL

The reason I would like the list is because I believe everyone in the
family is going to have to try working on their EQ's... The list would
come in very handy at the Family Meetings (I just started 2 weeks ago).

Since you said you would send out a list to anyone that sent you in a
word that you didn't have I thought I'd give it a shot...

How about Violated? I feel so Violated?

Well, Thanks again for the site... I'm learning a lot...

See Ya, Scott! :-)

I enjoyed reading all the subjects on the emotional intelligence web page. Thank you for the education. My own personal growth started a few years ago. I think subjects you cover on emotional intelligence should be taught/practiced/shown to all children from kindergarten on. It is a much needed part of education that is missed in most cases. I am 46 years old and I know I could have used this type of education in my very early years.

We never stop learning and growing.

Sincerely,
Robert T. Knauf
Sikorsky.com.
March 12, 1999 11:25 AM>

From: Julia
Subject: A kindred spirit...
Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 11:57:33 EST

Greetings Steve!
I read Daniel Goleman's book "Emotional Intelligence" the minute it was on
the market...but found out quickly in a psychology class at Univ of WA that it
was considered pop psychology. I have put aside some of my intense feelings
about it until this year when the same Prof that invalidated my intense
feelings about EQ is assigning it in a child development class!

I have been so energized by reading your work in emotional literacy and the
like, because I am surrounded by those who value logic as the only way to
manage and control feelings...when all it does is create a HUGE defense
mechanism. Since I am often accused of being too intense (#1 complaint), too
sensitive, too energetic (can you believe that!!??!), I feel like an alien.
You have given me great hope that this is legitimate material, worthy of
pursuing for my research project. Thank you!

I may shoot you a few questions while writing a proposal, would you mind?

Relieved, confirmed, exuberant & renewed by your website...

I have read one of your articles on Teens on your Web page today and wanted to comment. I have had extensive training in conflict resolution and at the traditional University level in Psychology, Philosophy, English Literature (extensive Shakespeare and pre-twentieth century), Art History, Fine Arts and dabbled for two years in Commerce. The concepts and philosophy that you discuss is fairly close in keeping with the teachings and training in Conflict Resolution. The areas in which I differ from your philosophy is the "BLAME" that you wield somewhat vehemently at parents for their shortcomings and poor parenting s skills. Although your underlying assumptions are accurate in the area of parents not knowing how to communicate positively and listen honestly to the messages that their children are hiding in their language I strongly disagree with placing "BLAME." Yes parents have a responsibility to educate themselves on the raising of children in a manner that nurtures the child's soul and creativity, as well as instructing them on how to communicate their feelings, needs, wants and desires in such a way that the children do not become the parents demanding to be heard at every whim. It is my belief that so many children suffer today because parents are so guilt ridden for all the mistakes they may or may not be making that children are growing up not understanding or repeating boundaries for themselves or anyone or anything else in society. Is this also parents FAULT? Blaming and placing fault is the furthest thing from positive in a society that is overwhelmed by negatives and lack of accountability. Pointing fingers to blame is hardly the avenue that offers true spiritual grow to a world so desperately lacking in "True North" principles. Responsibility is personal, judgement is not for us to claim. It is for God and only God to decide. Blame is from the ego not from the spirit. If we want to affect change to society we must begin by refusing to place blame but teach responsibility and accountability to all. Giving teens a place to direct their anger by blaming all that is wrong in their is their parents fault is incorrect and unwarranted. Being emotionally intelligent requires vast adjustments in styles of behavior that have been acceptable for centuries. Power, Control, and Aggression has been the way to accomplish the desired results at any cost. The heiarchy of the Patriarch and the Matriarch have prevailed. They are now losing their power, control and aggressive nature because they no longer work. Changing philosophies and belief systems that have dominated societies takes time not blame. Rupert Sheldrake introduced the scientific theory of Morphic Resonance. As more and more people (or animals), become aware or awakened to a new way of doing things, (this does not always mean it is for the better, violence is a perfect example), it begins to become part of the genetic encoding of that species. Children are far more technologically sophisticated today than they were even ten years ago. Morphic Resonance is this factor. As the information goes out into the Universe and more and more people "pick it up" more and more people will need less instruction to understand "new" information. Emotional Intelligence is not a "new" concept nor is Conflict Resolution. It is just that we have now reached levels of evolution within society that is more respective on a mass level so that the knowledge is beginning to become more conscious to a larger number of people. As this happens less and less people will need the years of training it takes to understand concepts and integrate them into their daily lives shifting the paradigms that they were raised with. More and more parents will know how to communicate with their children in ways that are nurturing to the soul and the spirit in their children. Parents do want the best for their children, ( I will not go into the family dynamics that are highly dysfunctional and destructive in this correspondence), they want them to have the best life possible. It is not assisting teens to become aware and responsible people themselves when the have the safety net of BLAMING their parents for their lack of ability to have their needs met and to heard. This does not deviate from the fact that parents are the emotional instructors for their children and the home environment is the major contributor to emotional injury and unmet needs. What it says is that BLAME is not the direction needed to heal the injuries. Understanding, education, and knowledge are the tools needed to demonstrate to our youth, our parents and their parents that there are other more constructive positive ways of interacting with each other that will result in harmonious, unconditional relationships that encourage self-discovery not BLAME. Forgiveness is the only way to heal the past and all the wrong doings of this world. In saying forgiveness it is the true understanding of what this represents. Forgiveness is Love, Blame is Fear. The only two emotions that truly exist is this world are love and fear. One is from God the other is from the Ego. One is real, one is an illusion. The Ego is the realm of perceptions. God is the realm of truth. This is the knowledge that needs to be brought back to human kind. Not the God of the Judah-Christian belief but the God of all beliefs. Teaching our youth of today that everything you will ever need in this world is within you. Teaching them not to fear, but to believe in love and kindness and compassion. It is no one FAULT why anyone is where they are. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. It is our Karmic agreement with God. We are here to strive towards perfection not judgement and blame. Teaching positive models of communication and listening are paramount in channeling the unmet needs of our societies. Modeling it is the greater challenge. Growing up in a highly emotional family that was permeated with anger, fear, control, power and aggression, I can only speak from experience, BLAME does not work. After years of searching through academic education, my greatest learning has been watching my children and seeing the results of my unknowledgeable training being reated upon them. I do not blame my parents for not rasing my properly. I do not blame them for the difficluties I faced growing up, nor do I blame them for the things that were inadvertently passed onto my children. I do not feel I have parented badly nor am I to BLAME for any difficluties my children have faced or will face on their journeies in this world. I would have liked to know what I know now 21 years ago, but I was not awakened to this knowledge until I was ready to hear it and accept it as truth. This is true for all of human knid no one can tell another person this is the way. All you can do is say here are some choices, you chose. This is the goal in rasing our children to allow them the knowledge of knowing that do have choices. There will always be boundries but it is always your choice what you will do with those boundries. some are challengable with little risk, some have great risk on many levels, some moderate. Paretns do need to learn how to estalblish RESONABLE boundries both for themselves and their children. As this is an issue that faces our species at the highest of levels it is seemingly difficlult to comprehend that any human has all the answers. The goal is always to keep striving for living a life that is self reflective, unconditional to our fellow humans and is based in love not fear. If we can teach our teens and our whole world how to live life in the physical world of solid mass representation but not of this world rather of the world of spirit and soul communication will be of the level we strive for, soul based. I hope that I have not rambled to much and have not presented my thoughts in such a way that offers information for thought not defense. Thank-you for your work in this field. You have great passion and conviction. Sincerely Suzan

I got your message. I feel a little "debative" so I will challenge you on a couple of points, and share a little more with you. First I respect you for trying not to attack me or label me or be hostile. It is obvious you have strong feelings too, and I appreciate that you acknowledged my passion for what I am doing, so anyhow here are a few thoughts/questions/comments:

It sounds like you approve of the idea of accountability but not blame. I also don't like the word blame or the connotations with it. I don't think I ever say I "blame" the parents. However, I believe they are primarily responsible and accountable for how their child is raised. If they aren't then who is? They make a conscious choice to have the child. I believe that for society to work they must be financially and emotionally responsible, as basic minimum standards. If they are not, they I believe it is in the best interest of society to stop them from having kids, or to take the kids from them.

You talk about "true north principles." I am not familiar with this term. And you say:

>Responsibility is personal, judgement is not for us to claim. It is for God and only God to decide.

I don't believe in any supernatural powers, so what do you propose in my case and for other atheists?

>Giving teens a place to direct their anger by blaming all that is wrong in their is their parents fault is incorrect and unwarranted.

You say it is incorrect and unwarranted. But if my parents fed me poison, albeit with good intentions, and my physical growth was stunted, or I lost my hearing or eyesight, who is accountable? If blame/accountability is not warranted how will change be made? Who will take responsibility? And why is self-esteem damage and emotional abuse any different?

My parents, especially my mother, emotionally abused me through consistent fear, conditional acceptance and invalidation. She denies it all. She thinks I read too many books. She can't understand why I don't go home. With her I feel supported 3, understood 5, validated 2, approved of 1. Who is responsible for creating those feelings? Who is responsible for establishing the child's self-confidence and self-esteem if not the parents?

I never heard of this guy or his theory, and I do a lot of reading, so I feel skeptical about how valid his theories could be.

>As more and more people (or animals), become aware or awakened to a new way of doing things, (this does not always mean it is for the better, violence is a perfect example), it begins to become part of the genetic encoding of that species.

>Children are far more technologically sophisticated today than they were even ten years ago. Morphic Resonance is this factor.

Again, I have no idea what you are talking about and your explanation sounds too "new age" for me to take very seriously. I used to hang out with a lot of new age people and I found they were, without exception, trying to recover from extreme childhood abuse. They were desperately seeking anything to heal their emotional wounds. So I saw them falling for a lot of crap. Spiritual BS is what I called it. Sorry, if I offend you, but I really lost my patience with them-- the Deepak Chopra's and the Wayne Dyers and the Course in Miracle people.Maybe I am wrong, though, maybe your theories don't fall under what I call "new age." I just am really sensitive to such stuff.

>It is not assisting teens to become aware and responsible people themselves when the have the safety net of BLAMING their parents for their lack of ability to have their needs met and to heard.

I disagree. I think it does help us when we know who has abused us and how and why.

>This does not deviate from the fact that parents are the emotional instructors for their children and the home environment is the major contributor to emotional injury and unmet needs.

>Forgiveness is the only way to heal the past and all the wrong doings of this world.

I personally find it hard to forgive when someone denies they have hurt me. And I am not sure that it helps to forgive in this case. Scott Peck called this "quick forgiveness" and he disapproves of it. (I don't like the guy much, but I agree with some of what he says)

This sounds like new age rhetoric and I disagree that blame is fear. Is accountability also fear? Also, I have a negative reaction to the capitialization, as if these words were "divine" or something.

I disagree. I believe this is too simplistic. If you want to say fear and desire, I would tend to agree more, but love is such an overused word, it has lost its meaning. It is also comprised of many other feelings.

>One is from God the other is from the Ego. One is real, one is an illusion. The Ego is the realm of perceptions. God is the realm of truth.

This is not very helpful to me and I am afraid if you have kids they would be feeling very lectured to by now.

>Teaching our youth of today that everything you will ever need in this world is within you.

>We are exactly where we are supposed to be. It is our Karmic agreement with God.

Again, way too "new age" and not helpful to me. Saying we are all where we are supposed to be takes away motivation to change what needs to be changed. Are you telling me parents are "supposed" to be sexually, physically and psychologically abusing their kids?

Who defines perfection? I prefer to talk about health, it is much less subjective.And I am not "striving for judgment and blame" -- I am looking for cause and effect relationships and trying to increase mental and physical health in the world.

>Growing up in a highly emotional family that was permeated with anger, fear, control, power and aggression, I can only speak from experience, BLAME does not work.

I would prefer that you say "it does not work for me," rather than make such a general statement (not that I always follow this guideline myself, but it is easier to notice it when someone else violates it!)

>After years of searching through academic education, my greatest learning has been watching my children and seeing the results of my unknowledgeable training being reated upon them.

>I do not blame my parents for not raising my properly. I do not blame them for the difficulties I faced growing up, nor do I blame them for the things that were inadvertently passed onto my children. I do not feel I have parented badly nor am I to BLAME for any difficulties my children have faced or will face on their journeys in this world.

Maybe it would be too painful for you to admit that your parents, who were supposed to love and protect you, abused you. And maybe it would be too painful for you to say to yourself that you inadvertently, even with the best intentions, screwed up your kids

>I would have liked to know what I know now 21 years ago, but I was not awakened to this knowledge until I was ready to hear it and accept it as truth.

>This is true for all of human kind no one can tell another person this is the way. All you can do is say here are some choices, you chose.

Well, we can also say "I am afraid that if you chose this, this will happen..."

>The goal is always to keep striving for living a life that is self reflective, unconditional to our fellow humans and is based in love not fear.

>If we can teach our teens and our whole world how to live life in the physical world of solid mass representation but not of this world rather of the world of spirit and soul communication will be of the level we strive for, soul based.

>I hope that I have not rambled to much and have not presented my thoughts in such a way that offers information for thought not defense. Thank-you for your work in this field. You have great passion and conviction. Sincerely Suzan

Instead of hoping, just ask me if you have, or if I feel defensive. I don't advocate this use of the word "hope." And though you didn't ask, I will tell you, because I like you, believe it or not! Yes, you did ramble on a bit. I almost deleted the message, but I read this last paragraph and saw you had some self-awareness and were thinking of my feelings and you acknowledged me, so I decided you were allright :) I did feel a little defensive, maybe about a three out of 10. But now I feel better because I feel self-expressed. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to get on my own soap box.

Note: I confess I was not feeling much compassion as I was writing my reply. I felt judgmental and superior, those wonderful habitual feelings that I learned from my dysfunctional family. The same ones that helped a few females in my life hate me with a passion. Oh well, you live and learn.

Date: Wednesday, April 22, 1998 1:09 PM
Subject: Just a Note !
From: "Connie"

Steve, I just wanted to let you know that the idea's that you gave me
when you were here "really do work". I put them to use that very same
day.

But, now I'm hooked, so I am eagerly awaiting the booklet that you said
you could send to me. I am also going to read the book you suggested,
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus! The very next day that you
left, I went to see my sister, who has been "very happily " married for
18 years, said that she and her husband were having some major problems
and he had actually moved out of there home. We talked for a long time
when, I told her about our conversation about what men like and/or
expect from relationships versus women. They reconciled that very same
evening.

I'm not saying that what I said had anything to do with that, but, I
did suggest some different ways to approach her situation. They are very
happy, again!

Please send the booklet or literature that you spoke with me about. I
realize that you probably are still on the road and are not at a
location that you can send it immediately, but just don't forget!

Again, I really enjoyed our conversation! I am a person that believes
that there is a purpose and reason for everything that happens, and,
that being so, I believe you were sent to Magnolia Springs State Park
to help me with my approach in trying to raise my children the best that
I can, and to help me help my sister in her time of need!

THANK YOU--- IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU!
>>
>>CONNIE
MAGNOLIA SPRINGS STATE PARK
1053 MAGNOLIA SPRINGS DRIVE
MILLEN, GA. 30442

Date:    Sat, 3 Oct 1998 08:31:00 -0400
From:    Bill B.
Subject: Emotional Intelligence

I want to support Steve Hein's post and urge you to
visit his site: http://eqi.org.   I know from my own
personal experience how my emotional responses can
make me stupid and hurt me even tho they feel good.
His site is the source of information that can change
that for all of us.

We are not taught in school that there are skills we
can learn about dealing with our emotional
responses to hurts and attacks from others.

It feels good to instantly strike back at someone who
has hurt us. It feels good, but it is not smart.   It
damages our relationships, our careers, and
our influence.

No one wants to read overheated arguments.
They will not have the influence one hopes
they will have. They feel good only to the attacker.
They turn other people off.

Check out the sources on Steve's web site.
You will see what I mean.
The best rule is be cool.
Bill B.

I'm glad you came to visit our school becuase you reminded me of the importance of feelings. I've been talking to the kids about feelings a lot since you came. It really does work, they respond differently and there are less negative feelings on all sides.

I don't have to command them to do things. I just tell them how I am feeling or how others are feeling. For example, some girls told me they were feeling distracted by the boys talking at the next table and they asked me to tell them to be quiet. I said "Maybe you could tell them you are feeling distracted." They didn't think it would work and were afraid the boys would mock them. So I told the boys that the girls were feeling distracted and they immediately got quiet without any conflict whatsoever. I bet if I keep modeling the direct communication of feelings, like you taught us, the girls will feel more confident to express themselves. I am going to keep teaching everyone that my class is a place where feelings matter.

An enthusiastic thanks for Steve's Long list of feeling words. 14 men are proudly carrying his list, called lexicon 2000, with triburte to Steve

----- Original Message -----
From: Julia H.
Sent: Friday, July 28, 2000 11:24 AM
Subject: your homepage eqi.org

Dear Steve,

I am an online-journalist for a German internet-platform for students.
As I am currently doing research on the topic "Soft Skills - Hard Facts" I
came across your web-site. As I find it very informative and educative I
would like to have some information on your background.
I would like to know in particular whether you are a scholar or a
psychologist or whether you are simply personally interested in EQ.
In my article, which is to be published on the web by the end of August, I
would like to refer to your site. In doing so, I prefer being able to tell
my readers a bit about the person who put it together.

I would be very greatful for any kind of information you like to provide on that matter. I thank you in advance.

With best regards, Sincerely,

Julia H.>
Online-Redaktion
80331 München

> http://www.e-fellows.net

Hi Julia,

Thanks for writing about my page. I got interested in the importance of
emotions and feelings and how to manage them better about one year before
the term emotional intelligence became popularized. My interest started out
as just a way of helping myself. I had lots of problems in relationships,
even though I was successful in school and business. I was divorced twice
already by age 35. I went to several psychologists but found them to be
expensive and not much help. But one did get me started reading and I
learned more on my own that way.

When I started my own self-study, I soon realized that my family was
teaching unhealthy ways of handling emotions and conflicts. Then I got
interested in what is being taught to young children, and I spent a lot of
time observing classrooms. I found out that most teachers I saw did not
provide good emotional models for the children, or more simply, most
of them were not very happy people themselves. So I became interested
in both the family and the school systems, trying to figure out why people
were unhappy and what would make us, and me, happier.

I am convinced that emotions are an important part of our survival instinct,
and that most developed countries are good at meeting physical needs, but
very poor at meeting emotional needs.

Modern society seems to value efficiency, productivity, cognitive
intelligence and many external things to a degree that is out of balance.
So I am trying to make a contribution to putting more importance on emotions
and using them in a healthy way.

More specific data on me: I have a masters degree in business-- MBA. I
graduated in the top 2 percent of my class, but this didn't help me when it
came to relationships. This is part of why I believe we are not teaching the
right things in school.

I now live half the year in Australia and half the year in Canada, though
just about every year I come to Europe. I found the United States to be an
unhealthy place emotionally for me. Too much stress, aggressiveness,
defensiveness, insecurity, focus on appearances, materialism etc.

I am not religious at all. I only believe in evolution and survival of the species.
I believe the church has manipulated the emotions of its members (by fear,
guilt, duty, obligation, etc.) in a self-serving way.

Many people try to control our behavior, one way they do this is through
manipulating our emotions. I strive for independence from others and to
listen to my own inner voice, which I believe comes to us through our
feelings. And I believe feeling words, as I call them, are the language of
this inner voice.

So my page is partly research, partly observation, partly a reflection of my
belief system.

Good luck with the article. Please send me an online copy of it and I will
have a friend translate it!

PS I have only been to Munich once, but have good memories of it.

PPS I have some thoughts on this stuff as it relates to the German culture in
particular if you are interested, but I am afraid I already told you more
than you wanted to know!

----- Original Message -----
From: Hai A.
Sent: Thursday, August 03, 2000 9:50 PM

> Hi,
>
> I am a student 20 years old. I have some questions to ask you. I am
> interested in astrology and I found out some conflicts with EIQ. I
> have read your readings, a high EIQ people don't advise, command
> others. Is that always the case? With astrology reading, people have
> influence with star. So just a curiosity, can I know your star sign?
> And if possible can I know your birhtdate as well?
>
> Regards
> Hai A.

Hi,

I feel very 9.9 skeptical of astrology. I feel bad when I see people
spending time on it. I feel bad when people spend their money on it. And I
feel a little insulted and or offended that people try to analyze me and
categorize me and label me according to my birthday. And I feel sad that
you have become interested in it, rather than in something more truly helpful to the world.

I would feel disintegritous if I encouraged it in any way.

Steve

I recently happened upon your site and am very glad to have discovered it. Today I was drawn to the parts on child advocacy, because it it a pressing concern for me right now. I understand and feel with you about our culture's casual disregard for childrens' feelings. Indeed, as a mother (of three boys), I have been criticized for treating my children with too much empathy (as if such a thing were possible). After divorcing my first husband, who was resentful of our childrens' very existance, I was single for four years. Although it was a difficult time of readjustment and uncertainty, my children and I were happy and I felt free to be myself and I was relieved that my children did not have the poisonous presence of a father who didn't want them around. (He saw them as often as he wished, which wasn't all that often, but he was on good behavior, so they had better interactions with him this way than before.)

Well, I fell in love and remarried, this time a christian minister (very liberal, with a theology that I agreed with). Before we married he seemed to be a very loving, friendly, kind person. But I soon found out (after moving all of us cross-country) that this goodness extended mostly to those outside the family. With my children he was demanding, angry, punitive, judgemental, and generally very emotionally abusive. I was taken aback, shocked, uncertain of what to do. I do not divorce easily!! I didn't want to wrench my children out of this new life where they were just starting to get their footing. I had quit my job, and a similarly good situation would be very hard to find. (I taught University classes with a Master's degree in Math, and I had really good hours.)

I have slowly worked with my husband, with the help of phone counseling (we are in a remote area) and now he is mostly decent to my youngest, even nice sometimes, but he doesn't speak to the other two. He doesn't smile or make eye contact or greet or engage in any validating interaction at all. He thinks he is doing well because he has stopped criticizing and demanding. It is a much better situation, but I feel remiss in accepting this behavior. I have simply been working twice as hard to be loving, accepting, validating, etc. with my three boys. I am happy in my interactions with them, and glad to have the time to be with them, but I feel it is time to tackle the problem of my husband's behavior.

Your page is helpful in emphatically asserting the importance of empathetic, non-punishing behavior. I also enjoy Becky Baily's Loving Guidance approach and I agree with Haim Ginott's philosophy. But besides books, I have been very alone, and it's hard to assert what I feel to be true, because I am so far from the norm, even though I know the norm to be harmful. I am a highly sensitive person, and I have always felt different from most people, although I don't make an issue of it. But this feeling of being different, plus having a distaste for arrogance and of people who are overly sure of themselves, has made it difficult for me to have enough courage in my convictions to stand up for my children and for others. Your website reinforces me and gives me more courage.

My children aren't small anymore (ages 10,13,+ 15) but I'm going to try to gently correct parents I see in public places who are treating their kids badly. My approach will be to show empathy for the child's feelings and draw them to the parent's attention, assuming the parent is well-intentioned but just being self-centered and copying the way they themselves were raised. I will probably feel worse about what I didn't do than what I did do, but I don't want to make the parent defensive.