| EQI.org
Home Selected Feelings * under construction These are mostly examples from my life. S. Hein
Feeling controlled - see below - xhelpx
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Respect | Empathy Other EQI.org Topics: Emotional
Literacy |
| Defensive?? It was around 1995 that I first started noticing when people were feeling defensive. Like most enthusiastic students I was eager to try out my new knowledge. My first memorable experience in this area was during a discussion with a university student about her alcoholic boyfriend. As we talked it was obvious that she was becoming more and more defensive. I pointed this out to her in a half-joking way. She nearly shouted back at me, "DEFENSIVE??!!" She was studying psychology, by the way. (See page on psychology students) This was one of my first insights into how threatened some people can get if you try to tell them how they feel. Since then I have noticed how hard it is to have a close relationship with someone who does not acknowledge their own actual feelings. The inability to acknowledge one's feelings may even be a fatal sign for an intimate relationship. In non-intimate relationships, however, things are different. In a work relationship, for example, it is helpful to recognize when someone is feeling defensive, but it is probably not helpful to point this out to them unless it is a very open relationship. The other day a friend said something I found to be very insightful. She said: I wonder if I get defensive so easily now because my parents were always attacking me When you notice someone is feeling defensive - S. Hein Through experience I have learned to be a little more careful about when, how and if I give people feedback when I sense they are feeling defensive. I don't know if this is more of a skill or an art. It may also be related to how secure I feel about myself. For example, the more secure I feel, the less I feel a need to let others know that I know how they are feeling better than they do, or that at least I think I do! On one occasion when I could tell a fairly good friend was getting defensive I said, "Maybe I am just taking things the wrong way, but I sense you are getting a little defensive." She replied to me that I must be taking things the wrong way then, because she certainly wasn't defensive, and that there was "no reason for her to feel defensive." She then proceeded to list all the reasons why she had no reason to be defensive. In an earlier stage in life I would have spent considerable time and energy trying to prove to her that she was, in fact, feeling defensive. This time though, I just listened and said, "Okay." Still, this incident changed our relationship. We are more distant now. I am afraid to tell her how I really feel about things and what I really think, and she is probably also afraid of what I might say or think. We have talked about it a little, but from my side, I haven't felt as close to her since that day. Often, I try to keep quiet when I disagree with someone, but in this particular case it was something I felt very strongly about. I suppose it is good to know who can acknowledge their own defensiveness, but I feel discouraged when I think of how few people I have met who can do this. I am not sure I can do it myself actually! But at least I know that it is a good quality to possess or to develop. Getting Past Feeling Defensive - S. Hein Once I had just finished a writing a story and was feeling quite proud of it. I showed it to a friend. I asked her what she thought. She said, "But do you want people to think that it is a true story or a fictional story?" What I wanted, of course, was for her to say, "Wow. This is a very good story." (Yes, it is true, I will admit it...I never got enough compliments when I was young!) But when she didn't say this, and instead questioned me, I felt a little defensive. I gave her some mildly defensive answer and then we changed topics. But I thought about her question some more and wondered why she had asked this question. So I said, "Say, why did you ask me earlier about whether I wanted people to think it was a true story?" She then explained that she was afraid people might suspect it was fictional. They then might start to doubt other things on my website, and always wonder what was true and what was fiction. They might start to think I was just being dramatic and making up things which I say come directly from the people I talk to or from my own personal experiences. I realized she had a very good point. So I added a note to clarify that it was a fictional story, but based on actual experiences. Bitterness - S. Hein Bitterness might be thought of as misunderstood pain. Because a person doesn't really understand why they were hurt, and they have not learned something positive from it, they feel bitter. I say "something positive" because often people take away a negative lesson like "I will never love again" or "I will never trust another man" etc. Thanks to Tatiana for inspiring me to write this. Resentment xx need link |
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| Emotional Intelligence and
Recognizing Defensiveness - S. Hein I was chatting with two people at the same time one day. One started her sentence with, "I'll have you know..." I asked the other one, who is not yet 15, "How do you think a person is feeling when they say, "I'll have you know..." She responded, "Well, the only time I say that is when I am feeling defensive." I agreed with her, and I was impressed that she could see this at her age. She is one of my most sensitive, most intelligent, most caring, most disobedient, most rebellious, and most suicidal online friends. I believe she has very high innate emotional intelligence. Yet, if one were to use the Goleman model of emotional intelligence, which is more about morals, character, personality and behavior than about any innate abilities for perceiving and understanding emotions, or the Mayer Salovey Caruso model which holds that self-destructive behavior indicate a deficit of EI, she would surely be viewed as severely lacking in emotional intelligence - Here is another example.. I was chatting with a 14 year old and asked her if she ever noticed when people get defensive. This is what she said:
She is a member of our depressed teen chat support group by the way and has self-harmed. But I believe she is clearly emotionally intelligent. |
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| The language of defensiveness Well, how was I supposed to know! Well, of course, what did you expect? Look,... Listen,... Let me tell you something... |