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Home | Other Authors Naomi I have just watched two of Naomi's videos, but so far it looks like she is very much in agreement with most of my ideas about parenting... In fact, watching her brough a few tears to my eyes. S. Hein April 2012 - I found out about Naomi from AERO. Steve's Journal Writing - April 23, 2015 |
Core Components of EQI.org Respect | Empathy
Emotional Literacy |
| Steve's Journal Writing -
April 23, 2015 Today I looked at Naomi Aldort's forum. It looks like no one has used it in a long time and it never was very active. Or at least not for a long time. Tried to join and got this:
First, notice the exclamation point. Here is a little writing about how they are overused. Second, why is it necessary to be approved? Seems overly controlling to me. I know with some forums you have to be approved, but with a lot of others, you don't. So I felt a bit suspicious about this. You can read the forum but you only read it.While browsing it I read a post where a mother was asking for help, back in October of 2014, and she got no replies. So I tried to reply, but as I suspected, I wasn't allowed to and got this message.
(Another exclmation point.) Here is the post I feel sad that no one answed. I feel judgmental of Naomi, critical. I also looked at her fees. She is charging a lot of money for her time now. For example, to talk to her on Skype for 15 minutes she wants 55 dollars. That is 220 per hour. For 50 minutes, 159 dollars. That is 190.80 per hour. Not bad. I say that sarcastically, just in case you weren't sure. Here is the page with her prices http://www.naomialdort.com/guidance.html Here is something else that I found on her site that bothered me. It is from the testimonials page. Someone is talking about her multi-day workshop.
Laughing at your child crying? Or laughing while they are crying? Acquiese to her demands? They "got it"? They had made the "little child" the "Captain of the ship"? It's ok to just let her cry? ... because "life doesn't always go your way"? They were relaxed about it? "What a relief"? Are these the kind of messages, parenting styles or beliefs that Naomi is giving parents? Did they really "get" her message? Doesn't she teach about the importance of empathy, validation? How it feels to be crying alone? Or while your parents, the most important people, in your life when you are a child, are laughing while you cry? I have an article about just that...http://eqi.org/crying2.htm I began to suspect that Naomi might be Jewish, so I did a search for "Naomi Aldort" "jew" and happened to find some articles criticizing her. Though I am afraid some or many people will feel offended by what I just said about my suspicion, I won't defend myself too much right now. I will just say I have had enough experiences with people raised in that culture to justify my suspicions. And it turns out, she is Jewish by culture, I don't know about by religion. She is from Israel. I found some articles these article about Naomi... The Questionable "Expertise" of Naomi Aldort, Part Three
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books, authors |
| Site searches Empathy April 23, 2015 Today I did a site serch of naomialdotr.com. There were only 5 unique results. Validation 30 results 14 of those included "beyond validation" /
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| under construction. i am copying this from
but it is going very slow. The copy paste isnt working well for some reason.. So I will post what I have so far. -- InterviewWithNaomi Aldort (written transcript) Answering Any and A llof Your Parenting Questions By Ashley Ryan www.AttachmentParentingBlog.com
My teenager, 15 years old and the most sensitiveage
for peer pressure, comes home and he said, “You
know, this friend of mine got these other two girls and
they were all teasing me. They ganged up on me and did
all of that and I thought, ‘That was so silly.’
And I said, “What did you say to them? Did it hurt
your feelings?” He said “Absolutely not,
that’s just their game, it has nothing to do with
me.” He said, “I told them ‘that’s
fine, I |
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| From Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFeALkIOK54 Oliver's older brother, Lennon, has just released his Debut CD of solo piano improvisation. It's available at amazon.com.
From http://lennonaldort.com/Lennon_Aldort_Website/Biography.html
I
am a 24 year old pianist, violinist, violist and
composer. I grew up on Orcas Island, WA and began playing
the piano at the age of three.
I studied music at the Academy in Vancouver, BC, the
Conservatory in Victoria, BC, and the New England
Conservatory in Boston, MA. I earned my B.A. in music
from the University of Washington in 2012. I am currently living in Seattle and playing piano around town for restaurants, clubs and private events |
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPOXyiDkZf8
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| A comment Left by One thing I believe should be added to this information is the fact that children can learn how to handle going to a restaurant. They require leaders, as you say, to teach them the necessary life skills BEFORE going to the restaurant. I'm all for going to the park first. However, whether you do take them to the park or not children deserve being taught expectations of what they can and cannot do at the restaurant, whether you take them to the park first or not. Our job as parents is to teach life skills. Our reward is great behavior. Their job is to learn life skills. Their reward is whatever is important to them plus self confidence, happiness, love, self-control, self-discipline and gratitude. What a great match! When a child asks for dessert, or to watch a movie when they get home, parents would do their children a great service to match their child's reward to how well they engaged with the life skill of going out to dinner. "You earned a little of the movie, half of the movie or all of the movie." This is how you create champions for life! - SH - I don't know yet what N. thiniks about rewards. But I know what I think, and what Alfie Kohn thinks. I would like to see Naomi reply to this, to see whether she agrees with this guy or not. I defintely do not. By the way when I read this comment I thought it sounded like some kind of ad... when I clicked on the user I saw that it was, trying to get you to look at their channel. They have a little business.. here is one page from their website. I found this particular page when I did a site seach on their site for "god", to see how many times it appeared. I was afraid they were going to be like James Dobson or w/e his name is from the Focus on the Family empire. They sounded pretty typical, based on their Youtube channel videos about defiant children. As I looked around their site I didn't find any prices. It seems they want you to contact them first. But I did find they have an "affiliate" area. Here is a bit from that page Register a New Affiliate Account Payment Email *sigh... These affiliate people....... I also saw one video. It was so fake. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym4agqh0mlI He does such a terrible job of answering the second question. Like a politician. Then the wife tries to save it a bit haha. I really wonder how much that cost them, ie how much they paid to get that TV channel to stage a fake interview with them, and the fake, obviously planned questions. (With all the head nodding in agreement to everything they said haha) Here is something from the description of the video on that page
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Beyond Validation: Raising Peaceful and Emotionally Resilient
Children
By Naomi Aldort
Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
For over twenty years now I have been teaching parents how to connect, validate and understand the needs behind children's emotional expressions, and allow them to feel and express themselves fully. Yet I noticed new difficult behaviors and dependencies arising as a result of these well intended endeavors. Indeed, some of the kindest parents unintentionally teach their children to feel more entitled and therefore less peaceful.
Many of us grew up emotionally lonely and confused by habitual denial of our feelings. We were told, "Don't cry, nothing happened," while inside we felt that a lot happened; or we were shut down with, "You are fine," when we were hurting inside. It is inspiring to see many of today's parents trying to give their children the compassion and validation they themselves did not receive. However, in their anxiety to be gentle, parents sometimes don't realize that they teach victimhood and neediness. They typically call for my guidance saying: "I have been so kind and responsive, why is my child so demanding, whiny, angry and even aggressive?"
How validation and talk about feelings and needs can backfire:
Depending on how we speak, the child can turn validation into seeing herself as a victim; "If my feeling is so right and my need so real, then it is horrible that I am not getting what I want." The relief of knowing, "Mommy understands how miserable I am," can turn into, "I am right to be miserable so I must get what I want." The child then feels entitled and angry and is likely to hit and scream.
Dwelling on emotions can recreate them and make the child a believer in her own drama. When we "drown" in the story, we lead the child to devote more tantrums to defend similar scenarios again and again. The question is how to validate the child's emotional experience without drowning with her. We want to encourage her to express herself freely with our attentive and caring listening; we don't want to pump emotions that weren't authentically hers. While connecting kindly, we must simultaneously open the door for her to feel resilient and able to move on with inner peace.
The source of pain is not what happens, but what the child says to herself about what happens, which she learns from us. Therefore, it is about doing our own work side by side with the child, learning to discover how our mind takes us for a ride and not pass this painful ride to the child. We don't want to deny emotions, nor do we need to be unkind or controlling, but we do want to empower the child to discover joy and even gratitude in what is unchangeable.
Empowering through inquiry
When we think of empowering we may think of making an inspiring suggestion or comment. However, most often, empowering is about saying less, not more. It is about knowing not to fix the situation or even imply a need for fixing. Unless you are unnecessarily restricting your child or the situation is unsafe, avoid changing reality. Your child takes cues from your attitude. Drama and panic to fix scares and weakens him.
For example, a three-year-old was crying when her banana broke. Her mother validated her feeling of "sadness and disappointment" at which point the child got so mad that she wouldn't listen to anything other than going to the store to buy another banana. The validation and recognition of her wish worked all too well and she was now convinced that she had no emotional capacity to do without a whole new banana. At this point the feeling is no longer the child's original authentic experience, but an expanded version her mother has unintentionally ignited in her.
Rather than name strong emotions like sadness or disappointment, a parent can confirm the facts, "You wanted a whole banana and now you have two parts." With such factual recognition the child feels connected and understood while free to generate her own emotional response. If the child has not learned to dramatize and feel victimized, then such validation will bring the issue to an end. You can add, "Let me know if you don't want it and I will put it away."
If the child needs to cry after your factual validation, be there for her without drama and without a "communication workshop." Just hold the space, offer to hold her or simply listen and be a loving presence. She will be done raging and ready to move on when you allow her to express herself fully. Usually, with a young one, she moves on at ease as long as we don't inject hope or anxiety by distracting, offering solutions, compensating or hoping that validation will stop the crying (which is not its purpose).
Some children are rightfully uncomfortable when a parent "reads" their emotions out loud. Such a child not only cannot feel connected at that moment, but tends to be angry or feel shame. Validation of facts can therefore be also more respectful and allow space for autonomous expression if needed. Most often, when we are at peace, the child moves on with ease.
If not used to getting some payoff for aggression or rage, most children don't need anything other than the factual validation and parental presence. If the child needs more help in feeling, expressing and being empowered, one can do a simple inquiry, adopted from The Work of Byron Katie:
1) Recognize the likely thought that causes the upset and
speak it:
(We will use the broken banana example but you can apply it to
any cause of upset.)
Mother: "Are you imagining the banana whole and saying to
yourself that it should still be whole?"
Child: "Yes."
2) Investigating the truth:
Mother: "Are you sure this banana should be whole?"
Child: Typically laughing and saying, "No," then eating
the banana. Or, quietly pondering, looking at the two part banana
(or toy or scraped knee).
But lets take the more habituated case and imagine the child says: "Yes, I want it whole," raging even more:
3) Exploring the impact the thought has on the child's
emotions and reactions:
Mother: "What happens to you when you keep imagining a whole
banana and this one is two parts?"
Child is crying or saying, "I want that other banana... I
want you to go get another..." (That's her painful reaction
to her own imagination, not to reality).
Here comes more validation, but this time, it is about the
thought, not about reality:
Mother: "I see. When you think of a whole banana -
then you want it, you feel upset and you cry. It is fine to cry.
Would you like me to hold you?"
The message is clear that feelings are totally fine to experience
and express. The child may cry more, gets a hug, connection and
love as long as she needs. She learns, "I cry because of
what I think. I am not a victim of the banana or whatever
the story is." She doesn't get it consciously on the spot,
but over the years this distinction will give her emotional
resilience and become her way of responding.
4) Investigate how the child would feel if she didn't have
that thought:
Mother: "How would you feel about this two pieces banana if
you weren't imagining the other one?"
Child: Eats the banana, throws it laughing, brings a book to read
or whatever is closure for her. In essence she is saying, "I
would be fine."
If the child is strongly habituated in getting her way, this process may have to continue. Yet, when we stay peaceful and not anxious to fix or to stop her tears, a child will come to her own inner strength and turn her painful thinking around on her own in action and/or words by eating the banana, saying "I don't need another banana" or moving on.
For most children, the parent's calm factual validation is enough. When we don't "drown" with the child, she becomes aware of the solid ground on which we are standing, and steps out of her emotional "water" to join us, in her own time and way.
Empowering through benign recognition:
I recall, in one of the family intensive workshops in our home, the children of both families were having a ball in the bedroom jumping on the bed and laughing while the mother was haveing a session with me in the kitchen. Every now and then we heard screaming. Suddenly the door opened and out came one of my children, four at the time.
He walked over to me: "I disturbed," he started
softly, "they said that if I disturb five times I will have
to leave the room."
I opened my arms and he climbed into my lap.
"I disturbed five times," he continued.
I kissed and hugged him. I said, "You wanted to stay and
play but you couldn't help yourself?" He nodded. "I
know how hard it can be to control yourself." I empathized.
"I know," he said.
I hugged and kissed him again. After giving him more empathy he
became quite and I said, "Sitting together, I feel so
connected to you... happy to be with you... I love everything
about the way you are."
"Even when I disturb?" He asked,
"Yes," I responded with a smile. "I love you
because you are you."
He looked at me and said, "Ah."
He stayed with me for a short while drinking my unconditional
appreciation and love. Then he got up, went to the playroom and
got busy playing by himself, completely peaceful and content.
Some parents would wonder if by treating a child so lovingly after he "misbehaved" I don't "reinforce" the "bad" behavior. However, there is no "bad" behavior in the child, only in our judgmental thoughts. With our recognition of the child's humanity, he learns compassion and forgiveness.
Notice there is no mini lecture, no "court house" style admonition like, "Are you learning something?" No trying to rescue the child by getting the children to take him back if he promises to behave well. No undermining the kind leadership of the older brother either. No one learns that they are a victim or that they need to change reality and no one is bad, only human.
The child felt complete and empowered to love reality as it was, love himself with his current abilities and weaknesses, forgive himself and peacefully move on. Without any painful parental preaching, he learned that disturbing doesn't benefit him. Validation of facts and limitations without big emotional drama helped him come to terms with reality. He also learned that his worth is not harmed by his fallibility. At the same time, his brother, who compassionately gave him plenty of opportunities to stay, felt respected and empowered in his leadership role.
A child's peaceful acceptance of reality is much more powerful than a dependency on getting things changed. He learns that he can experience intense emotions and express himself fully and that he doesn't have to get his way to be happy. We can't stop the rain so we are at peace with it. In the same way, children see life as what it is until we teach them otherwise. It is the love of reality that is the source of true inner peace.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort