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Chat with loo
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loo <xxxxxxxx@xx.com> Tue, Jul 3, 2007 at 2:25 AM

1:10 AM me: hey
hug
loo: hb
and more hugs
me: thanks
how r u?
im just reading u rmail
loo: im pretty good.
1:11 AM ty btw
how are you?
me: ha ha so ur thinking of coming here???
lol
1:12 AM i just had a glass of wine
ha ha
loo: hug
me: hb
so u are really thinking of coming here???
1:13 AM lets go to europe instead
ha ha
u must not have much to do if ur reading all the stuff i write!
loo: are you drunk?
me: did u read i was thinking of going to europe?
lol
ha ha
i had one glass
am i making typing errors??
loo: please dont be drunk.
1:14 AM me: lol
aw
hug
look whos talking!
lol
hug
just kidding
loo: hb
me: i heard from nicole
so i feel better
loo: i hate this.
i fucking hate this os much.
me: im really scared about her
what do u hate?
hug
thanks for ur mail btw
1:15 AM it was really nice to read
loo: well thats good.
me: but what do u hate?
1:17 AM loo: it just. idk, it wont even make sense.
1:18 AM hug
me: plz try to explain
hb
1:20 AM loo: i, jeez, it just makes me really upset that you're drinking now.
i realize that's hypocritical
and you're upset.
but im just scared.
scared that it will turn into more.
you are stronger than i am. and most.
so it probably wont.
but what if?
you are too good of a person.
me: hug
1:21 AM *tears
loo: i wish i oculd be good enough, i wish i could be your support and comfort and then you wouldnt have to drink.
but maybe im just reading way too far into things.
me: hug
thanks
loo: hb
hug
im sorry s.
me: hug
for what?
loo: for what? i didnt do anything except bitch.
1:22 AM me: hug
loo: i didnt mean it to sound like a lecture
me: its ok cuz i didnt feel bitched to at al
or lectured o
to
loo: or bitchy.
or anything.
me: i feel cared about
hug
ur so sensitive
im sorry too
loo: hb
me: cuz i fucked things up between us
i really regret that sometimes
1:23 AM loo: no. you really didn't.
me: i can hardly believe ur still talking to me
i dont really feel deserving of it
loo: i pushed you away.
put up my walls.
me: hug
ok well if u forgot that i dumped u for pato then i wont mention it
loo: you are. honestly.
hb
me: ha ha
loo: but deserving of what? hah.
1:24 AM me: of u talking to me
caring still
loo: of me?
im a bitch. you know that.
me: even reading my site
plz dont say that
its like how u feel when u read i was drinking wine
it hurts to see someone u care hurting themselves
and calling urself a bitch is hurting urself hun
u know what i mean?
1:29 AM u there?
loo: yes.
sorry.
1:30 AM me: k hug
loo: the computer was being weird.
hb.
me: *smile
its nice we are talking
talking is a good thing
ha ha
anyhow..
so... what else?
loo: yeah.
1:31 AM im not sure.
1:32 AM me: k well can we talk about this idea of u coming here?
loo: sure.
me: k
well first id like to meet u
with no promises either way
so we wont get disappointed
u know?
and have expectations etc
1:33 AM loo: yeah
me: and u dont have to "help" me
u can do ur own thing
i like the idea of meeting tho
just to see if we get along!
if not at least we gave it a try.
what do u think of that?
1:34 AM loo: hang on.
im sorry.
me: k
loo: i need to get water.
me: k
loo: im scared im about to have a fucking panic attack.
no big deal.
but it sucks.
1:35 AM me: hug
any idea why?
cuz of this stuff we are talking about? like meeting...?
1:36 AM id like to meet on an island. or in europe.
or u could come here too
1:37 AM what sounds better to u? if ur still there!
i would really like to meet u
ur interesting ha ha
u have interesting taste in music
hello?
ok im gonna go pour another drink
ha ha just kidding
lol
1:38 AM it was sweet of u to write what u did
im gonna post it
hello?!??? hello hello, anyone home?
loo: im really sorry.
1:39 AM i just. you know how your chest gets really tight. and youre crying and it feels like you are being suffocated?
bleh. sorry.
blah blah.
1:40 AM me: hug
loo: hb
me: hug
hug
loo: hbhb
me: can u try to explain what ur scared of?
1:41 AM im guessing it is everything, meeting me, leaving home, fear of rejection
stuff like that
the unknown
but can u name it? cuz its healthy im pretty sure to name ur fears, theoretically anyhow
1:43 AM loo: im not trying o avoid the subject, but tonight, right now, it is terribly overwhelming. and i haven't been able to sleep at all the past two nights and i havent eaten. and it probably sounds like excuses. but i feel like i am being, whats that word the tell you in the hospital?
irrational.
god.
fuck fuck.
me: hug
its ok
hug
loo: im just scared.
of everything i say.
im scared it will be wrong.
or selfish.
1:44 AM or weird.
or offensive.
me: hug
its ok
really
loo: hb
me: im pretty calm and i feel cared about by u and pretty open to just listening
how come u havent been eating or sleeping?
loo: i wanted to be there for you. and it turns around to be about me. and my problems.
1:45 AM me: hug
loo: jesus. im so selfish.
hb
me: its ok really i double promise
id be typing a lot if i needed to
but ive been journal writing ha ha so i got all out.
1:46 AM loo: i dont know what to say.
me: hug
loo: hb
is it okay if i go?
not angry or upset.
me: hug
ok
loo: hb
me: i love u
1:47 AM loo: im really really fucking sorry.
me: thanks for writing me what u did
loo: ily too.
me: k
loo: i meant it.
me: huggies
i can tell
loo: thanks for still talking to me.
me: it was really nice to get and read. im gonna post it
ha ha
is that ok?
loo: yeah. if you want.
1:48 AM me: lol
i love posting stuff
keeps the site interesting
n shows how nice pple like u are
loo: hah. yeahhh.
me: now im afraid im keeping u
so u can go if u want
loo: no.
me: k
hug
loo: hb
me: im sorry im so difficult
1:49 AM and weve kind of fought before
i can be really really difficult
and hard
sometimes
im kind of scared if i met u ud feel like shit after a while
cuz im so needy
no one can meet all my needs
im pretty sure
1:50 AM so wed have to set it up so we dont get too codependent
do u know what i mean?
loo: yes i know.
me: im basically impossible to please.
ha ha
thats the bottom linie
line
im not drunk
ha ha i promish
ha ha
loo: hug
me: hb
1:51 AM *smile
its really nice to talk to u
seriously
maybe i shouldnt say that cuz it puts more pressure on u!
loo: it's alright.
me: i dont know why u still read my site tho!
lol
1:52 AM cept for u dont have much else to do!
loo: it's because i care.
me: id like to hang out with u a bit tho. i mean fuck ur free now so we can so i kind of feel like we "should"
hug
loo: please.
1:53 AM i cant talk about anythinglike this.
im really really sorry.
me: i dont know why u care tho. cuz i dont thinki treated u very well
loo: just not tonight.
me: ok
hug
loo: im just. blah.
hb
me: k
hug
loo: hb
im really fucking sorry.
1:54 AM i sometimes feel really inadequete,
it's not your fault.
me: hug
loo: but idk.
hb
me: yeah and u cant spell inadequate either
ha ha
loo: awesome.
me: im not sure if i spelled it right either
lol
loo: i think im going to go lay down.
me: hug
im sorry
i was kidding
loo: hb
me: lol
1:55 AM loo: no its alright
not you.
me: im not the most sensitive person
regardless of how i write about all this stuff!
im always teasing pple
too much sometimes i guess
loo: yeah well, no matter how hard i try im too sensitive.
me: hug
aw
hug
hug
hug
loo: hb
hbhb
me: im not sure how a person stops being sensitive!
i dont know if its possible
or if its a good thing
1:56 AM i think what we need is just more es
emotional support
not less sensitive pple
im dont just think that. i really believe it
anyhow..
loo: hug
me: if u want... id like to know how come u havent beensleeping
1:57 AM im kind of worried about u too
loo: it's not drugs.
i just cant sleep.
me: just thinking?
loo: yeah. my mind never stops. and it keeps me up.
me: hug
try wine
ha ha
loo: i spend hours just fucking laying there.
me: aw
1:58 AM hig
oops
try writing ha ha
see how well it works for me? ha ha
am i joking too much?
im scared ur gonna leave and i like talking to u
im in a pretty light mood right now. as u can tell.
1:59 AM anyhow..
can i ask u a couple more questions¡
loo: sure.
me: k
u thinking more about the past or the present
or the future?
2:00 AM loo: lately the future.
me: k
like what kind of stuff?
loo: everything.
me: yeah
loo: possible outcomes.
me: like..
loo: bleh.
usually not good ones.
2:01 AM me: like what?
loo: pass.
me: can i ask what ur most afraid of?
2:02 AM loo: honestly? i dont know where to begin, or how i would ever explain it.
being alone. forever. not physically, but emotionally.
me: hug
loo: hb
me: yeah it sucks
big time
loo: hug
2:03 AM it's more than that, but it's not easy to put into words.
me: yeah
any desires?
loo: happiness. just genuine happiness.
me: hug
2:04 AM u been taking any pics lately?
i miss how u used to send me some
n that seemed to help u feel better
2:06 AM loo: my computer is being weird.
and i think im just going to go.
i dont know who i am.
so i have something to keep my brain occupied tonight.
sorry for all of this.
2:07 AM hopefully you will email tomorrow or something.
me: hug
loo: night.
hb
me: ok
good night
love u
loo: love you too.
me: *smile
u sure u want to go?
id like to talk more
2:08 AM and if u want u can just listen...
loo: if you need me to listen, then i will stay.
but eventually i have to go.
im getting really sleepy, which never happens.
me: its not so much i need u to.. but i want to feel more connected to u and say some things which i havent said in a long time
i also put up walls
2:09 AM im always putting them up, taking them down
it probably confuses pple
but i really felt close to u for a while there last year.
and i still really do feel bad we stopped being so close
i remember this one text message u sent me that said im so in love with u
hug
2:10 AM loo: hb
me: u remember that?
loo: kinda.
me: and i remember when i heard the song its a matter of trust and thought of u
*tear
u ever have just one tear fall
from one eye?
loo: yeah.
me: i think its usually my right eye
which one is it for u?
2:11 AM loo: it doesnt happen often. when i cry, i really cry.
me: hug
loo: hb
me: well one just fell down
anyhow
im afraid im keeping u
so anytime u want u can tell me u have to go
cuz if ur sleepy thats nature
2:12 AM loo: im here. its alright.
me: i wish, really, wish i could tuck u in
and kiss u on the forehead
i wish i had a daughter
someone i could kiss good night then i could go back to my work
lol
loo: my dad used to do that every night.
2:13 AM and come in and kiss my forehead before he left for work.
me: i was just writing...is it weird if i talk about u that way?
loo: when i was really little
like 5 or 6.
me: its strange. but the longer i talk to teenage girls the more i think of them as daughters
loo: about me in what way?
me: like a daughter
someone to kiss good night
2:14 AM loo: BLEH.
i keep trying to type out a thought
me: lol
2:15 AM hug
loo: and i have deleted it atleast 10 times.
me: aw
loo: hb
me: *wants to know the thought
loo: it just sounds awkward. or potentially strange.
it's more comforting
2:16 AM or like, idk.
BLAH
me: lol
loo: fucking brain fart
me: hug
loo: idk i think it would be really uncomfortable to talk about any relationship type thing.
idk.
blah.
me: yeah
im getting that
its ok
loo: like bf/gf.
me: lol
hug
2:17 AM loo: idk.
me: i can see why that was hard to say
ha ha
its ok
i dont see us that way
i mean i did before but not now
now its just like we would be friends. id hope wed hug a lot but thats it
cept for kisses good night on the forehead ha ha
2:18 AM i feel old these days
fuck ill be 50!
and society would like it better if i were just a nice fatherly type of person too
i felt that way with ____ too
loo: fuck society
me: hug
2:19 AM loo: hb
me: well i wont put artificial limits on things but u dont need a bf and codpendence and all that
u need space, freedom, aire to breath i think
a healthy environment
someone to talk to who listens and cares
ha ha i spelled air like they do in spanish and french without even realizing it
2:20 AM just the usual stuff really
loo: i like to think im not as needy as i used to be.
me: and i need someone to talk to too and to listen to me and hug me when im down
hug
loo: hb
me: honestly i never saw u as needy
did u think u were?
2:21 AM with me i mean
loo: psh. oh yeah.
me: u hid it well then!
loo: everytime i got really down i woquld come running to you.
me: aw
hug
loo: hb
me: i cant remember even once getting tired of it
i like feeling needed and helpful
gives me a purpose in life
lol
2:22 AM loo: is it okay if i go now though?
me: k
hug
hug
loo: blah.
me: *kiss on the forehead
loo: i cant even type simple thoughts.
hbhb
me: lol
loo: smile
2:23 AM me: ily
loo: ily too.
i hope we talk soon.
me: me too
this was nice
a nice surprise
thanks for ur mail
loo: thanks for still being in my life.
me: hug
np
loo: hb
me: same to u
loo: night night.
me: k
nn
2:24 AM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
loo: xxxxx
me: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
loo: oh no.
me: *kiss
oh no what?
loo: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
me: is that what?
loo: i win.
me: ha ha
lol
ok u win then!
*smile
loo: me too.
me: *smile
aw
loo: hug.
me: nice
2:25 AM big hug
sweet dreams
loo: or bug hug?
ha.
me: ha ha
i forgot about that
loo: night.
me: lol
ha ha
nn
xxoo
loo: xoxo