Mar 2, 2005 - I found this by chance today. It's a copy of a journal from teenopendiary. I put it together starting back in 2002 but have never posted it for fear of getting this person in trouble. Now though it has been over a year since I have heard from her and she is obviously in a different situation now, probably living in a different place, maybe in jail or maybe dead. So it's unlikely posting this could cause her any problems. In some ways I want to believe this journal is not true. That nothing this sad could happen in real life. But in other ways, it all seems to make sense. It all seems to be either the real journal of a 14 year old who ran away, or the writing of someone older who is going back into her past to try to work things out. I don't know how anyone could write this kind of thing without having some of the experiences or at least feelings which are shown here. But I do know if this person really exists, if this is true, she is a very special person in need of love and freedom, and people around the world could learn from her story. And even if it is just a story, people could still learn from it.
If anyone has any idea who this person is or where she is or what happened to her, please let me know.
I am not sure if what Kali writes is true. But if it is, it is very sad. If it is true, she is a very special person. I have never met her, never talked to her on the phone. I don't even know if "she" is a "she." But I believe her. And even if it is fiction we can learn from it. It rings very, very true to me. So here is what she wrote in her journal on http://teenopendiary.com
I will put more of her diary online when I get someone to help me! - Steve
On the streets 12/7/2002
My Aunt found this sight on the internet. She said that if I
started writing, I might be able to work through some of the
things that I am dealing with, and maybe help somebody else going
through the same things that I have gone through.
I am not used to the idea of shareing my secrets, though. I have always been taught to keep them...well... secret. However, I suppose I will have to get this all out eventually, and maybe it will be easier writing it to a bunch of people whom I will never know in real life. Face to face talking is hard...
Well, I will just give a brief summary of my situation.
I am fourteen year old girl living in Montreal, Canada.
I just moved in with my Aunt 4 months ago. Really, she saved my life.
Before I lived with her, I was on the street. My mother went on a binge with her drinking and never came back. She left when I was twelve. That is when my fahter started...doing stuff to me. I couldn't handle it anymore, so, I ran away.
I lived on the street for about a year. I am not sure how I survived, but, somehow I did.
I was arrested about six months ago for shop lifting. I am not a thief or a criminal. THe fact is, I was hungry. I didn't have any place to stay. I was too scared to prostotute. I tried once, and, well, told myself I would die of hunger before I did it again.
Anyway, the courts contacted my aunt. I stayed in a juvinile detnetion center for about 3 weeks before they even contacted her. It was a scary place...worse than the streets even.
But here I am now. For once, I feel safe.
How do I feel??? 12/8/2002
I still am not sure about writing in here. It seems strange
and a bit ironic keeping a diary for others to read. I have
always beleived that journals were supposed to be secret. But, I
suppose I can try to be rebellious against these believes and
attempt to right in here...attempt to share what's inside of me.
It's hard, though. I don't know why.
The court is making me see a therepist...the deal was, I wouldn't have any more jail time, community service or anything, if I went to counsoling. I don't understand why the court put me in juvinile detention in the first place. I stole some bread, chips...FOOD. I was hungry. They probably put me there because they didn't have any place else to put me...I refused to give them my father's name, though,they eventyually found out. I am with my AUnty now, so, maybe I wont' think about him or then. It's in the past. But, the past still comes back a lot lately...especially at night when I am trying to sleep.
Anyhow, this therepest lady is not like anybody else I have ever met. SHe is always asking me how I feel. She wants me to talk about my mother's drinking and leaing me, and my father's...the problems that I had with my father. I still don't want to. I can talk about my mother leaving, I guess. THe rest is to hard, though.
It is strange having someone ask me how I feel. Today, when she asked me, I realized for the first time, that I dont' know how I feel. I am so disconnected with my feelings and with myself. Sometimes, I feel numb...I am too busy trying to survive, that I forget to...feel. It is a strange...feeling.
Therepy is wierd. A large part of me says that I don't want to go...but maybe a small part of me wants too...talk...as long as she doesn't try to give me lables that make me feel crazy. I am not crazy.
I was reading some of the diaries on here today. Man, there are a lot of girls here with eating disorders. I dont' understand it...Maybe because I like to eat...maybe becaue I didn't eat hardly anything when I was on the streets.
I miss my friend that I made on teh street. He was like a big brother really. He was 17. We met maybe two weeks after I ran away. Some guys were giving me a ahrd time and he stepped in and helped me. He protected me quite a bit..taught me hwo to survive...and never hit on me. I liked that. It was a change. At night sometimes, we would hold eachother to keep warm if we couldn't find a warm place to sleep. One of us would stay awake and guard. We would take turns sleeping. We made a good team him and me. I wonder if he is still out there. I almost feel guilty being in this house...warm with my Aunt to love me and spoil me...I guess she sort of is spoiling me.
She bought me this computer, after all. I think it is just to encourage me with school, though.
I feel out of place at school...so different. Everone seems so young there...I hope that doesn't sound snobby, because, I really am not a snobby person...
Why people kill themself??? 12/8/2002
I read this person named Steve's diary. He talked a lot about
why people kill themself.
It made me think about things.
I never felt suicidal when I was little and my mom was drunk and hit me or called me names.
I never felt suicidal when my father.............
I didn't feel suicial when I ran away and didn't have anywhere to live.
THe first time I felt suicidal when I was locked up...and realized that, no matter what I did, I was powerless...
being locked up...even for that shor period, was worse than everything that lead up to taht point....
or maybe it was because I had hit a bottom...
I am not sure...
This person's entry made me think about it, though...
Candien beaver attacks American... 12/8/2002
haha, I guess this diary sight can be pretty addicting, eh?
I saw this cute commercial the other day. I think it was advertising beer, but that wasn't the funny part. Two men were in a bar. One stupid American (sorry, but the guy was stupid, and happened to be American ) was laughing at a Canadein. "haha," the man was saying "Where's your Beaver?"
The Candien calmy pulls out his Bever and shows it to the American. Then, the beaver attacks the American man who was laughing at the Canadien...for being Candien... It cracked me up. I laughted a lot, which is not something I find myself doing much lately.
haha...just goes to show you that being mean and nasty to other's doesn't benefit anybdoy
lol, I wonder if they had this commercial on the American stations. Probably not...they would probably not get the joke, feel offended and attacked and declair war on Canada. lol.
Sleeping on the side walk to sleep on big bed 12/9/2002
I hope I am not breaking some diary sight rule by writing here
so much in one day.
I can't sleep, though, and don't have much else to do...I could do home work...naaaa....this is more...constructive.
I hate school so much. I am so far behind because of all the classes that I missed.
I don' tknow how some people found out, but some people know that I was in "jail." I dont' like being judged or whispered about...especially when they don't know the entire story. I didn't do anything wrong...I don't think. I didn't deserve to be there...It was just the easiest place for the court to hold me.
my aunt said that she might start a diary here too...or on the other diary sight that she said there was. That would be cool. WE can note eachother...haha, I like this diary idea. I am sure she wouldn't like it if she knew I wasn't in bed. Oh well...she probably wouldn't be to upset. She understands that I can't sleep very well at night...usually only a couple of hours..I wake up a lot with nightmere's. I feel like such a dumb kid sometimes...then other times, I feel so much older than people my age.
As my therepest said on the phone when I talked to her today,"You are adjusting... it takes time."
It's wierd going from sleeping on a sidewalk to a big bed,
I miss my friend, though, and wonder how he is tonight. Where is he sleeping? I think I will ask Auntie to take me down to some of the places I know he goes too...to see him. I miss him. Iwant to give him a hug and help him get off the streets. He's like a big brother.
I got into a fight at school... 12/10/2002
I tried to write in here last night, but, for some reason, it
wouldn't save. Maybe there is something wrong with my
computer...or maybe with this sight. Does this sight do that to
other people, or is it just a problem with mine???
Anyway, I got suspended from school! I was walking down the hall...minding my own business, when this girl bumped into me. The halls were crouded and I didn't think anything of it...until she turned around and was like,"Excuse me. Get out of my fu*cking way."
"You are the one who ran into me." I gave her an attitude back. I don't take that from people. Maybe my past hardened me, but, I dont' take people's crap.
The girl dropped her books on the floor, trynig to act tough.
I rolled my eyes at her act. By now, there was a croud around us.
I don't like fighting. I really don't. I have lived with so much violence, and, I really don't like violence. However, I will defend myself.
I went to walk away.
"Hey, dont' roll your F*cking eyes at me," she said. "I heard about you. You think your so tough just becuase you were in juvi." She doesn't know anything about the situation I was in. I don't know how any of them knew.
"whatever," I said and tried to continue walking. She grabbed my arm. I pushed her. She pushed me.
I am small, but, I am pretty strong. I slammed her against the locker. I suppse by this point, I was in a fight or flight response-and I was I fighting. She swung her fist at me, but, she missed. I swunag at her, missing her nose and hitting her cheek.
Now, two guys teachers were breaking us up. One of them grabbed me from behind. The other teacher grabbed her. They brought me down to the discipline office and her to the nurse.
We both looked pretty beet up. I have a big scratch on my forehead that blead for awhile. I think that was from her nails, though. She has a bruise on left cheek.
I hate violence. I really do.
I was suspended for two weeks! Two weeks. I don't think she got anything. They probably assumed I was guilty by looking at my past.
I am so sick of people judging me because of that. I didn't do anything wrong. I was trying to survive anyway that I could...other than prostituion. I wouldn't do that, so, what else could I do? Steal? Beg? Too young to get a job anyplace..legal.
Anyway, my aunt picked me up. SHe seemed angry at me for the first time. I feel bad for making her angry, but, I guess she sort of understood after I explained it to her. SHe is going to try to get me a home tutor, and, if that doesn't work, she is going to homeschool me herself. School is just to big of an adjustment right now...
more on fighting 12/10/2002
My Aunt and I talked a bit over dinner about the situation
that I got into.
Since she works in a school herself, the events upset her quite a bit. I don't think she is so much angry at me, but, the situation.
SHe understands that kids me be crual to people who are different. From the outside, I look normal, but, I guess I send out a vibe that screams that I am different from them...I've seen to much.
She is going to call a few places tomorrow about the tutoring. She doesn't think she will be able afford it, though. And, she doesn' think the school will pay for it because it's not a medical reason.
SO, she will probably be homeschooling me. She used to be a grade school teacher. Now she's a guidence counsolor (not at my school or rather, former school, though. ) We will probably do it a couple hours in the evening or something. I'm sure it will work out.
My aunt asked me at dinner if I felt bad about getting into a fight and hurting the other girl ( I really didn't hurt her that bad. ) I said that I didn't. She humiliated me and made me feel threatened. I feel as though I acted in self defence. Mayeb I did let my anger get the best of me, though.
Now, as I think about what i said, I worry that my aunt will think I am crazy...or...a sociopath or something...since I said that I didn't feel very bad.
I do feel bad that I let my anger get the best of me...but, I was provoked.
I don't know. I guess I didn't help my already tarnished reputation by getting into a fight either...
Maybe I really at fault for everything that I get?
No. I dont think so. I don't know. I am having a bad night. Feel kind of drained and wanting all the drama to end. My life feels to dramtic sometimes...like I am living in a movie.
Never going back to school again! ya! 12/11/2002
My Aunt called the school today and asked school about giving
me a home tutor. The school gave her a huge excuse. "We
can't give her one unless there is something medically wrong with
her." They did agree to give me one durring my suspention,
though. (lol, damn )
THey said that if they got a note from a psychiatrist stating that they believed I could not handle school due to an emotional problem, or whatever, than they could give me one.
My Aunt talked to me about it, and I refused. I do have some dignity. I am so angry. I could punch a wall or something, but I won't.
So, my AUnt and I talked abotu it a little more, and decided it would be best for her to homeschool me herself.
I am relieved that I never have to go back to that school again. So, that is something positive. I am trying to think of positive things in my life, because, it is very easy to think of the negative things. I need a challenge. I can't sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time.
Other than that, not much.
I did talk to my AUnt. I asked her not to read this sight. She is the one who suggested writing in here to express feelings and talk about things that I would normally not talk to to people that I meet face and face. I told her that if I was really going to use this place to do that, that, I felt unconfortable with even her reading some of it.
SHe understood. I am not sure if she is going to start a diary on the free open diary sight or not. She mentioned something about it the other day. I don't know. haha, maybe she did start one, and I don't know about it.
writing and reading.... 12/13/2002
My AUnt gave me my first assignment today. We don't have any
books yet (which is fine with me because I don't learn well with
text books anyway ) Anyhow, she decided to have me write.
"Write anything you want today," she said.
"Something honest." she added. An easy enough
But, I sit at the computer, and I don't have any idea what to write.
There's so much I want to say, or rather, need to say. OVer the years, I have been quiet...making sure that I don't slip and tell of the demons. But, I want to. I really do want to because everyday that I hold them, they eat at me and eat at me. I feel this overwhel feeling of shame. The cause of this shame, I can't even write about. I fear that seeing them on paper will make it all too real. Talking about it may make even more real. Reality is scary and I often try to run from it.
Sometimes, I get this strange sensation of leaving my body. I really can't explain it. When I start thinking about he shame, or, if I start feeling it to deeply, I sort of, float. I really don't know how to explain it or put it into words. I don't want to sound crazy. Maybe it is just all in my head.
When I am "floating," though, I can't feel the shame any longer. Actually, I can't really feel anything, because, I am not real...I don't kow. Does that make sence? Probably not? Never mind.
Anyway, what to write about? I haven't done that much writing in my life. I haven't been in school for awhile (Other than part of this school year. ) My parents never encouraged writing or reading. I used to always want to read, and would beg my mother to take my to the library. "That's a waste of time," she would say. "You have to get your nose out of those books and stop day dreaming," she would continue to harp. So, even after she left, I didn't read that much. Eventually, I lost that enthusiasm for reading.
My Aunt took me to a book store at the mall. She bought me a few books. I feel kind of bad that she's spending so much money on me, but, she says that she likes too. Anyway, I do appreciate it. I haven't began reading them, yet, though. I guess my mother's voice whispers to me that I am wasteing my time. But, what do I have better to do? Watch television? I hate tv.
Anyway, goign to get going now. I thought maybe if I started writing in here, it would job my mind and give me some idea of what I want to write about.
an attempt at being honest.... 12/13/2002
I told my Aunt tonight that somebody from this sight tried to
encourage me to write about what happened to me. She agreed.
"That's why I pointed out the sight...so you can get this
stuff off your chest through writing." I will try. I don't
know how successful I will be, though. It is so hard to write
about. Well, some of it I can write about...just not one
Where are you tonight? Sometimes, I look out into the night sky, and wonder if you are looking at the same stars that I am. Do you think of me often? ever? I hope so. I think about you so much.
I remember some of the good times we had when you weren't drinking. We would go for long walks and talk. Then, it would all change again. You would yell at me, and hit me, or tell me how dumb I was. I knew that it wasn't you who were saying those words, though, it was all of the alcohol. When you left, mom, my life fell apart.
Dad changed a lot after you left. Or maybe he hasn't changed and I just don't remember how he was? I don't know. When you left, I was tweleve. I am naive and immature even. I had to grow up fast, though. TOo fast. It started out as dad saying how mucgh I looked like you. "You're going to be a looker just like your mom was," he would tell me. That was only how is started.
Maybe he just really missed you, and when he coudln't have you, turned to the person that looks like you? The first time happened about a week after you left. I pretended to be asleep when he came to my room and lied down next to me. I didn't understand what he was doing. He only stayed about five minuets that time. Everynight, for longer and long durrations...doign more and more too me..until he did al he could do.
I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. One day he told me that if I ever got pregnant, I would have a baby with two heads, and then everyone would know how bad I was. It made me so sad, mom. I just wanted you to come back and make him stop. he didn't, though.
Why didn't I fight harder? I was twelve. I should have told. I should haev screamed. I tried to scream once, but he put his hand over my mouth, and I Never screamed again, no matter how bad he was hurtnig me.
Then one day, I decided that I couldn't live like that anymore.I packed a bag with some clothing, I stole some moneyf rom my dad's drawer (which didn't last very long) I grabbed a photograph of you, and, I left...I ran away.
The first night, I didn't sleep. I had to comprehend what I had just done. I had seen movies about run aways, and they always ended up being hurt or killed. This thought made me not want to sleep. I was also scared daddy would have the police after me.
One day, these two guys were giving me a hard time. pushing me around and acting like they were going to do something to me. A kid, (anonymous) showed up. He was a tough looking kid, and he scared the two bullies away. He introduced himself and from then on, we were best friends. I didn't go anywhere without him. We would take turns sleeping at night so one of us could be on the look out. We would put whatever money or food we could get in a day, and share it. He kept me alive, mom. One day, i want you to meet him...the guy who was a better mother and father combined. It seems wierd calling hime that.
I miss you. But, I am happy with my Aunt. She saved me too. But, I Don't want to tell you were she found me, because you might be ashamed or think of me badly.
Do you love me?
I love you.
Missing my friend 12/14/2002
I have been thinking a lot about my friend. I will probably
talk about him a lot, so, maybe I will just use his name. A first
name is still pretty anonymous. His name is Darian (Im not even
sure how to spell his name, lol ) but, most people called him
"Dare." I am not sure, why. Perhaps because he is so
dareing? haha. I don't know. It makes me smile to think aout him.
I miss him so much and worry about him just as much.
I will never forget the first time we talked. He said, "Your all right for a white girl." lol, since the first time we talked, we were best friends. He's just so...amazing. He was like a big brother, protector and best friend rolled into one.
I haven't seen him since I got arrested. I have no way of being positive that he even knows what happened to me. We hardly ever separated, but that one day, he went to do some odd job to make some money so that we could eat something. Well, lol, I guess I couldn't wait that long to eat, because, that was when I got arrested for the shop lifting charge.
ANyway, I miss Dare so much!I was talking to my Aunt about taking me around Old Montreal for a day or two sot ht I can look around. He really loved old montreal and spent much of our time there. He might still be there. I doubt he left Montreal, but, it is possibal. We are so close, yet, so far from eachother.
Anyway, my Aunt felt unconfortable taking me out to look for old "street friends," but when I explained to my AUnt that he's not a bad kid, but rather, in the same situation taht I was in, she udnerstood. I told her all about him... about how he protected me and got me through so many days.
I think she might...I might have to keep working on it, but, I think I can get her too. If not, I will go by myself.
Sometimes my AUnt gets over protective of me...like, Id on't know if she would want me walking around Old Montreal by myself (which is just so funny concidering my past situation.) But, this is only because she's scared of me getting hrut more...I dont' know.
Anway, I didn't do much today. I started reading the books that my Aunt got me, I helped my Aunt around the house a bit, watched tv...I tried to write poetry. I see so many good poets on this web sight, that, it inspired me to try...lol, but, I don't have the knack for it...I'm not that great of a writer, but, I suppose that is just because I haven't done that much writing in my life. When did I ever need to or get the chance too???
I plan on going to the library on Monday and spending the entire day there. haha, I have to make up for never going before. Also, I am really into reading at the moment and want to see what kind of books that they have. Haha, I am a nerd. What would Dare think of me spending a day in the library. haha, he would probably feel good about it. He always wished that he could go to school. He told me many times that he wanted to be a doctor, but, what chances does he have???
Doctor Dare...that sounds kind of funny...
happy...and Im not dreaming 12/14/2002
It is soooo cold in this house, man. Going to have some hot
chocolate and cuddle up in a blanket...
I am getting to spoiled. A part of me fears that this is all to good to be true, and that, I will wake up from a dream.
pinching myself...it seems to be real. if it is not real, I dont' ever want to wake up...
A bit sad tonight 12/15/2002
Sometimes I feel very motivated and happy.
I should be happy, and, I feel bad that I am not sometimes. I mean, I should feel SO thankful, and I do. I do. I really do. But, sometimes, I feel so incredibally sad that I just wish I could sleep for days, weeks, months even.
It will pass, though. It always does.
My life is so much better...things are falling into place. I guess I am just having a hard time adjusting to..."normal" and "happy." I am happy, though...overall, I am content...
I do miss Dare so much though. More than I ever thougth I would.
met somebody at the library 12/16/2002
Wow. TOday was quite an interesting day.
I went to the library as I said I would. I was sitting at one of the tables, when this guy came to my table.
At first, I got a little nervous. I always feel nervous when guys approach me or try to hit on me or whatever. Anyway, he sat at the other end of the table. I looked up a few times...(lol, I guess I will admit that I was "checking him out." A part of me feels shameful for doing that, but, I am human.
Anyway, he looked older than me...Tall, dark hair, glasses, handsome in many ways. (he even had this cute tounge ring )
I continued reading my book. (It was an intro to psychology book...don't ask me why I was reading. It grabbed my attention and sucked me in...)
I was reading about the human sences when the guy said something. At first, I looked around me to make sure he was really talking to me. "Whatcha reading?" he asked me with genuine curiosity.
I showed him the book.
He smiled. "I took that class last semester," he said. "It was a tough class, but interesting."
I nodded...feeling kind of shy and not knowing what to say.
"I've never seen you hear before," he said.
"Yeah,I've never been here," I replied.
"I didn't think so. I am here aoften. It is so relaxing. I love being surrounded by books." he said. "Do you like to read?"
"Lately, I have been reading quite a bit," I told him. "It is relaxing," I agreed.
He moved to a chair next to mine and we continued to talk about books for awhile. Before you know it, we had been talking for two hours!
The guys name was Mike. He is 19 and a freshman in collage. He is studieing sociology.
When I told him that I was being home schooled, he looked very excited. He explained that he had been gettnig in trouble alot when he was in 10th grade, and ended up getting home schooled for the rest of his High School career. Now, he is doing really great in collage.
He was very interesting.
We talked on the phone a little while this evening. He lives in an apartment with his older brother, who, he says, parties way to much.
He didn't believe me when I said I was fourteen. (People normally don't. ) I do look a bit older than I should for my age. It bother's me sometimes. Like, it is just another thing to set me apart.
Anyway, it is nice to talk to somebody...I have been missing dare so much lately and talking to Mike really was nice.
I hope we talk again.
On the Swings with Mike 12/17/2002
Mike and I talked again for quite awhile today. We met at the
park and talked some more there.
"Hey," lets go on the swings, he interupted our conversation.
I hadn't been on the swings in...gosh...I dont' even remember ever going on swings, but, I am sure I have.
I laughed, thinking he was kidding. He wasn't kidding, though, because he ran to them.
I followed him. He started swinging, and I was just watching him and laughing. He was being so childish. It was cute, though.
"Come on, It's fun," he said.
So, I got onto the swing and started to swing.
"Come on, get higher. Lets have a contest," He was laughing.
By this point, I was thinking that this guy was crazy.
The next thing you know, I am just as High in the air as he was.
When he got board of the swings, he jumped off from the swing while it was still in mid air. That scared me.
It was fun, though. I don't remember laughing that much in a long time. It felt nice.
As he walked me back to my house, he said,"We should do this again sometime," he said. "I had a lot of fun. I feel confortable around you."
"Yeah, we should," I said.
When we got to my house, he gave me a hug. i really wasn't expecting that. I normall feel very unconfortable when guys even touch me...in fact, since everthing happened with my father, the only guy I let touch me (Other than one occasion that I regret with all of my heart) was Dare... I feel so confortable with Mike. It is nice to have a friend again.
We talked on the phone a bit after the park. He said that I was kind of mysterious...like, I don't talk a lot about myself. He said that he wants to get to know me, and he was asking me all of these questions.
I Don't know what to do really. Should I tell him about me...Where I came from..should I tell him just the basics.
Im scared that if he knows about my past, he won't want to talk to me anymore...
I wish I had the answers
My Aunt and I got into a fight.... 12/19/2002
Coudn't sleep this morning. It's only 7:22 AM. Normally, I get
up much later.
Aunt and I got into a fight last night....first argument we've ever had...me and her...
"I don't like you talking to such older guys," she said, referring to Mike. He's only a few years older.
"He's not THAT much older," I argued.
"I don't care...he's over 18 and you are only 14."
"So." I said. "I've always hung out with older people. People my age don't understand me."
"Well, that has to change because I don't want you hanging out with such older people." she continued.
Conversation like this went on off and on for hours last night.
It suprises me. My Aunt has always been supportive. Now, I feel as though she's...against me.
I took care of myself for most of my life. I can do it again if I have too.
Fuck this. Fuck it all. Fuck this fucking world.
I will feel better later. I'm just venting, I Suppose.
Right now, Mike is my only friend, and I won't let my Aunt take that away from me.I don't care what she says and does.