Emotional Intelligence Home Page

Jessica from the USA


When I was looking for my file on Jessica in Peru, I found this, written by a teenager named Jessica in the USA. I copied her entries from teenopendiary in 2002.

Betrayal 8/13/2002

I don't suppose this really comes as a surprise to me. What hurts the most is the fact that now i've lost everything that kept me safe....and now nearly everyone. I believe i only have 2 people in my life now who i can turn to. 2.

I remember when i was practically the most popular kid in school. All the boys wanted me. All the girls wanted to be me. But that was a long time ago

Now i'm a cutter, loner, punk freak, outcast....and so on and so on.

They've been conspiring against me for awhile now. Or so i gather. I can't believe she would do this to me. She said i could always come to her. She always told me she loved me. And all this time she's been talkin gto my fucking father. So now, i have no mother, no father, 2 friends. and on top of all of that shit. they are making me go see a shrink. Well let me tell you something about shrinks. All they want to do is give you 12 step programs, pretend they are listening and go own there way. Well fuck that. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I HATE THEM!!!! I want to scream......i want to just scream and then die. Maybe with a little luck tomorrow will never come.....


This is The custody battle from hell....HELP!! 8/17/2002
Well, I know I'm not so great about writing but i think it's time that i talk about this whole thing that's going on with my dad.

This entry is totally and completely against the law. I'm not supposed to talk to anyone about what's been going on. But unless they want me to start cutting again, i'm willing to take the risk of them finding out about this.

It's a hard thing to deal with when you discover that your father has been lying to you your entire life. At first you don't want to believe it. You want to believe that everything he says is the truth becuase he has always preached honesty. And then you get evidence and you still don't want to see the truth. BUt then, you wake up and realize that you are a pawn in a chess game. In HIS chess game. Which is sick considering i'm his DAUGHTER.

And i can't confront him about it, because i know things i'm not supposed to know. and if he knows that i know then my mom's and my case for this whole custody thing could go down the shit hole.

And what's ironic about this is that i'm trying to get SHARED placement!!! as in Half time spent with my mom half with my dad. With mom 2 weeks, then with dad two weeks. And he promised he wouldn't fight it. He promised.

I kept a big promise to him back in january when i said i wouldn't kill myself up until a certain date......because i trusted him as my father. My promises are sacred and i rarely break them. only if someone says they are going to commit suicide do i go for help on it.

I'm 16 years old. Way older then the legal age to decide where i want to live. I wish the judge would just order the psych evaluation. so then the court could know the truth......

and that leaves me to end on this......What is the truth? I just don't know anymore


No sense of security..... 8/17/2002
I know the difference between right and wrong. I know that i will not see 99% of the people i am in High School with when i graduate in 2004. I know that all of my friends are "there for me" but i also know that only 2 or three of them would listen.

I have no sence of security or belonging anymore. I can't remember when i felt like i did belong. I've always been the fucked up one, (to put it lightly) in the group of friends i have. I was the one to do drugs. I was the one to get drunk on weekends and start smoking. I was the one to cut class to go drink and shoot up. And i was the one to have the eating disorder, the one who started cutting myself, and the the one who ultimatly has tried to kill myself numerous times over the years

BUt now I'm off the drugs. I don't drink. I'm a social smoker. but i dont' smoke often. I'm at a healthy weight once again. and i've gone 11 days without cutting.

But now that I"m "normal" per say, it's like my friends don't know how to act around me. It's almost like they can't except the fact that I'm starting to deal with things differently. and by differently i mean things that aren't against the law.

So i'm left feeling more than slightly abandoned. I try not to feel sorry for myself. I'm doing well in school and i involve myself in drama music and sports. but at the end of the day it's like part of me isn't there. It's alsmost like my mind is trying to tell me that i was happier when i was the rebel and fuck up of the group........Makes it that much more tempting to go back to the old ways.


I am a cutter....and it's all i have left 8/18/2002
1 year. 1 year ago to the day i took the knife and made the first cut. Ever since then my life has been a living nightmare. I have no place to go. By law i cannot talk to anyone about what is going on with this custody battle.But i broke the law and wrote an entry about it because i couldn't hold it in anymore.

I'm tired. I'm tired of going on with life. Not sleeping, not eating not interested in anything. I don't want to go on anymore. And no one even cares.


Am i allowed to talk now? 8/18/2002
Dear God~

I don't know why i'm writting this letter to something i really don't believe in. I've kept my opinions and feelings abou tyou quiet most of my life out of respect for my church going friends. But now i'm gonna say my peace before i go and do something really stupid and probably illegal which may even kill me.

I don't know if your real but i hop ethat if you are are you hear my words and disapear.

My biggest thing with you is your bible. Or so called book that explains you and all that jazz.

You are very judgmental. And you need to fuck off about that. where do you get off by saying you love everyone but hate gays. I am not gay, but i am related to peope who are and personaly i would think that if someone finds love no matter with who, that you of all people would be happy for them and would celebrate that love because there is another happy person in the world. We have enough straight people in this world to reproduce and enough technology for gays and lesbians to reproduce as well without fucking a guy whom they didn't love.

ANd why in the hell did you save people way back when, but you let people suffer now. Seems like you did a whole lot of showing yourself a million years ago or whenever it was that you showed yourself to moses and friends but you fail to show up now.

And what right do you have coming in here and supposadly saying shit about a second coming and making the people who aren't going to bend to your every wish suffer.

If you grant free will then abide by it buddy. I think your a fucking asshole and in all reality this letter is pointless because as soon as i'm done writting it i'm going to be going back to going a perfectly happy atheist.

I'd worship the devil before standing anywhere in your presence. Which is nonexistant as far as i'm conserned. At least the devil would accept everyone with open arms. SO FUCK YOU.


chronic insomniac.....bored out of my mind 8/18/2002
It's 4 fucking o'clock in the morning and i haven't slept but 3 of 37 hours. I'm tired but i can't close my eyes. I'm awake but every movment is like it's in slow motion.

I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP!!! i'm bored, I'm grumpy i know i won't be able to sleep once the sun comes up,

Is there something wrong with me? I mean this sucks. Maybe i shoudl try to go and con something stronger then somiex from my doc......hmmm.


From another diary....

i've always wondered what it would be like to have real parents. even just some that go away and are never home. at least they show they care about u by coming home and wanting to spen all their time with you. my parents couldn't give a fuck about me @ all. i know you are saying "they do" but get fucked. i want your parents. i know you may think ur parents are not that perfect, but i would give anything for anyone else's parents. i try my hardest. but how can i be the perfect girl they want me to be they read my diary. yup. and my poetry and they don't believe i wrote it.i guess i am not what they want me to be. when i got my school report i bawled my eyes out. why? because i was so worried they were going to kill me cause of my marks. and it depresses me that i have to be so worried bout what my parents would think. i want to have the pressure of parents off me. i'd love to have more time to do other things. if my parents knew i was going out with Jason i'd be banned from seeing him forever. i am "15" and i am "too young" to have a boyfriend. *pft* so can i plz have ur parents???<P>


I don't feel well right now...Matter of fact, I feel like drawing a sharp edge against the smooth flesh on my wrist. It would feel nice...and it would make me so much better.

I feel empty. Like I am missing something...something I can never catch because I view it as something off limits to me. Like I am not good enough to have it. Not now, and not ever. I am undeserving...I suppose. But, sometimes I want it. Enough so that it pulls deep within my belly and makes me emotionally sick. I don't know...I'm not, that is all. I mean, I'm very aware of my surroundings. But, it seems I am...emotionally confused...? I know what I want, but I dare not speak it here. It is better not to let it slip past my lips. I'll regret saying it...that is all. I know I will. Besides, anyone could use it against me if I say it.

Hmm...My faceless being wrote to me. Funny how nonexistent they are, and yet...I care about them more than anything, I suppose. I don't know. I guess it is because...I depend on them to hold me up. They're my savior at the moment. The one thing I use to support myself against so I don't become entirely engulfed by my insanity is this person...and I care about them dearly...but it seems I cannot do anything for them. They wrote a letter to me. One that was full of truth and pain...and I don't think they truly meant to write it. I think they only wrote and sent it because they thought I was away and wouldn't receive it. They even mentioned unsending it...but it is too late now. I don't think my letter contained anything that could help, them though. They're so lost inside themselves that they cannot cope with life. They're numb...and I can't do anything to help...


I'm useless. If I can't help the one person I care about most, what good am I? I can't even give them advice because I fear I will make it worse for them, or that they will become upset with me, or that I will be too emotional instead of sucking it all up and wearing a blank expression, and relpying with comments like: "Oh, yeah, that sucks." I don't know...I'm stupid and selfish, that is all. It is as if...I don't know. I can't fix them, that is all. And when they suffer, it hurts, because if they snap and kill themselves, where will I be?

I know where...

I'll be lying in a pool of tears and blood. Or within oblivion...

I'm a horrible friend.