Your feelings don't matter

The other day I was walking past a playground just as I heard a little boy crying. I looked over and saw two little girls standing by the boy at the bottom of a slide. The older girl, who I would guess to be about five years, was trying to comfort the boy who was crying. Just then the mother came around looking almost frantic. When she saw her mother, the little girl immediately said, "I didn't do it!" The mother snapped, "It doesn't matter, he's your little brother." Then she ordered everyone to get away from the slide and to follow her. She barked, "Everyone go sit down, you're all tired and fidgety."
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The older girl challenged her mother's accusations by saying assertively, but not defiantly, "I'm not tired." The mother shot back, "I don't care! You'll all sit down." Then the girl said more timidly, "I don't want to sit  down." To this the mother lashed back with, "Go sit in the car alone."
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By this time the girl knew it was pointless trying to talk to her mother. If I were to guess how the girl was feeling, I would say singled out, blamed, defensive, disapproved, not cared about, not listened to, invalidated, punished, threatened, and defeated.
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As they walked out of view I heard the mother say to the little boy, "Stop crying."

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I wonder if child protection services would call this abuse. I know that I would. I feel sorry for these children. I can only imagine what 16 or more years of living in this kind of environment will do to them. Maybe this woman was having a bad day, fair enough, but I believe with better education she could be taught never to invalidate her children's feelings like this. I believe she could be taught never to say to her children "I don't care" and "It doesn't matter" and "Stop crying." I also believe she could be taught why it is so dangerous and unhealthy to punish a child merely for expressing her feelings. These are the kinds of small changes which I believe could make a big difference over time.

S. Hein
Jan 2003
Cobram, Victoria, Australia