* this article has not been proofread (note)
Who cares?
Caring, Control and Education in Eastern Europe
Yesterday the hostel manager here in Romania took the heater from
the room I was in. Last night, I put it back, plugged it in and
turned it on. I was afraid I would get verbally attacked for
doing so, but I decided to take the chance because I was cold.
Also, I resented her taking it. I actually walked in the room as
she was taking it out but she didn't ask if I wanted it.
Now some might attack me with a question like “Why
didn’t you tell her to leave it there?”
These “Why didn’t you” questions drain me.
And some might invalidate me by saying "Asking why you didn't do something isn't an attack". These invalidating comments also drain me. But who cares if I am being drained or how I feel at all? (note below)
The other day someone wrote me and asked “How could
you…?” then accused me of something I didn’t even
do.
The other night I asked a 17 year old who had twice tried to kill
herself who she feels the cared about by the most. She said
“no one.” Some might invalidate her feelings by saying
something like she is exaggerating, but I wouldn’t. I would
send her a hug… that is if we were chatting. But in this
case we were sitting in the same room. It is, sometimes, easier
to show you care when you are chatting. I couldn’t get up
and actually give her a hug. Well, I could have but a) someone
might have gotten the wrong idea and b) she probably would not
have accepted a real hug.
I feel bad now for not showing I cared in some way, some even
more tangible way than just listening to her and asking
questions. Even though I just met her I suspect that I care about
her more than anyone she has ever met. I spent about 4 hours
talking to her. Most of that time I was listening. I would guess
no one has ever listened to her for that long in her life. But I
would have easily listened another 8 hours if she had been free
to stay and talk. But she was told by her school authorities that
it was time to go. Although she is very independent and unafraid
of being punished, she still obeys many of their orders because
she wants to go to a university and she knows she needs a high
school degree. This gives the school authorities the power they
need to sufficiently control her. By sufficiently, I mean to the
degree that is acceptable to them and the government. I feel
quite sure, though, thatthe school authorities would like to have
even more power and control over her if it were left to them to
decide.
I have written before about caring and control. I just realized
that if you have never had someone truly care about you, it is
likely you will try to compensate for this unmet need by trying
to feel in control of something or someone. It is easier to see
this being in Eastern Europe.
In Eastern Europe it is quickly obvious that the people in Moscow
didn’t care about the people in countries like Bulgaria,
Estonia and Romania. I have spent enough time in these three
countries to see how the system works, in its dysfunctional way.
It worked in some ways. Factories did produce things. People did
have just enough to eat most of the time, although food was
rationed in some cases, and there were enough police and soldiers
produced to keep things minimally functioning for a long time.
But the people who had the power didn’t care enough about
the people they had power over.
Now if we jump to countries like the USA and England, I can say
that the same thing is true. I mention these two because I know
them well and because they are both still very influential in the
world. But I would say their power is declining. Like the decline
of the Roman Empire. It depresses me to see what is happening to
the young people in the USA and England. It depresses me so much
that for my own health I need to stop thinking about it so much,
and instead focus on something I feel more hopeful about
influencing. It hurts me too much to see something happen and
feel powerless to stop it. So at some point I have to look away.
Look away or walk away.
One thing I do have, which my young friends under the age of 18
don’t, is the ability to walk away. To leave. To leave a
painful environment. And to travel in search of someplace less
painful. A place where more of my needs are met.
Getting back to the place I am in right now, it is clear to me
that the hostel manager doesn’t care much about me. I am
just a passing traveler. This hostel has plenty of customers. The
owner is interested in making money. That is the most important
thing. I am too insignificant to matter. I am too different. I am
not someone who just goes to a hostel for one or two nights and
spends the majority of my time drinking, partying, laughing, and
sleeping.
Last night I was literally locked in my room. I know the manager
well enough to know she won’t really care. She knows I will
be gone soon and someone else will come to replace me. So she
doesn’t have to care. She doesn’t get paid to care. Who
does?
Do teachers get paid to care? Do parents?
What happens when a society has too many people controlling
others and not enough people caring about others?
For the answer to that question you can look at what is happening
in the USA, since we get so much news from there, and you can
travel through Eastern Europe to see what the Communist system
did. You can see it in the crumbling buildings and the empty
faces.
In Eastern Europe, as everywhere really, it is only the children
who are more often smiling than not. But the differences in the
faces here are more pronounced. You can see the effect of the
Communist system in the eyes of the older generation. They are
what you could call the walking dead.
I will leave this hostel today. I will try a new one. I left
another one last week where I didn’t feel welcomed or cared
sufficiently about. Where I felt over-controlled. One day I may
tell stories from that hostel, but I won’t now because I
will be returning to it and it is possible someone from the
hostel will read this. I will just give one example, because it
hurts too much too keep so much inside.
One day I was in the kitchen and one of the workers walked in
quickly and said “Come with me.” I felt a little
surprised by this but decided to go see what he was talking
about. Then he took me to the door and showed me how to lock and
unlock it. He said he had seen me trying to unlock it the night
before. So he gave me a small lesson on it. It wasn’t
necessary at all. I had already figured out how to unlock it
myself. I didn’t tell him that though. I let him think that
he was helping me and I appreciated him telling me.
Looking back I wonder why I was so obedient. I wonder why I just
followed him when I didn’t know where we were going. I
wonder why I didn’t say “Come with you to to
where?” I suppose it is because I was conditioned to obey
the voice of authority, or you might say any and all authority
figures. So, since he was the hostel manager, even though he is
half my age and much less experienced in life than me, I obeyed
him when he ordered me to follow me. And it was an order. It
wasn’t a request. He didn’t say “Could you come
with me for a minute?” He just said, “Come with
me.”
So why did I obey him? Was I afraid of disobeying him? Did I
believe he would show me something that would help me? Did I
somehow think he cared about me and was using his authority to
help me? Is this what we are supposed to think? Is it what we are
conditioned to believe? That people control us because they care
about us?
I never really bought into this concept. I was always a bit of a
rebel. I never liked school, for example. There was way too much
control. I didn’t realize at the time there was too little
caring. But now I am “wiser”. I see things more
clearly. It is almost impossible to miss in Eastern Europe. What
is frightening is how similar the Communist system and the
Capitalist System really are though. And how similar the
education system is in both.
I have spoken to several teachers and professors here. There are
two points I want to emphasize:
1. The educational system here now is nearly identical to that in
England and the USA (see note about one exception)
2. The educational system here in Eastern Europe has not changed
much since the Soviet era.
I’d say that is really something to think about.
S. Hein
Brasov, Romania
April xx
3. Note about freedom in the high schools here.
Note:
I would say teenagers are more free in Eastern European countries
than in the USA or England. The punishment for disobedience and
not attending school or classes is less severe here in Eastern
Europe, for example. There is usually less control. The parents
are not always immediately called if a teenager doesn't go to
school. Teenagers can hug each other, they can use their cell
phones in the school, etc. The 17 year old I mentioned who tried
to kill herself twice also told me that if a teacher tries to
take away her cell phone she refuses to give it to them. In the
USA and England I suspect such an act of defiance would end up in
severe punishment and probable expulsion if repeated.
Note about who cares how I feel.
As I think about it now I feel most cared about by two teenagers.Both male. That is interesting in itself since when I started talking to self-harming teenagers I used to feel cared about by more females than males. My explanation for this is that the females tend to feel more resentful when I don't fill enough of their unmet emotional needs. I can tell when they start to feel resentful and stop feeling appreciative. This decreases my motivation to voluntarily help them and then things understandably fall apart relatively quickly. This is one reason I need someone to help me. Ideally, I would feel cared about by someone who is not a teenager, but so far this hasn't happened for one reason or another. I definitely need a person in my life who cares about me and won't abandon me. Not having such a person is the main reason I often feel suicidal. Or simply put, feeling almost completely alone.
i am physically and emotionally drained right now. i cant read this once more. but i want to post it cuz if i dont post it now it might never get posted. if u would like to proofread this i would appreciate it. thanks. steve