| EQI.org Home | Words Hope * under construction From Argentina around 2006 Yesterday I interviewed a job applicant and offered her a job.When she left she said she would think about it and tell me today. Now it is around 8:30 in the morning and I woke up feeling afraid she is going to tell me she doesn't want the job. I thought about sending her a text message saying something like "I enjoyed meeting you and hope that you will decide to work for me." But I don't like to use the word "hope." I wrote about hope the other day. And yesterday someone else sent me a text and said they wouldn't be coming at the time we agreed. They would come a half an hour later. They said "I hope that isn't a problem." Saying you hope something isn't a problem for someone shows them that you are thinking a little about how it might affect them. In other words it shows that you care at least a little. One way to show you care even more would be to ask them how they would feel about something before you do something which you are afraid might be a problem for them. Notice that there usually is some fear involved when someone says something like "I hope you understand" or "I hope that won't be a problem." I talk about this in this article. I wrote about this in my 1996 book when I gave the example of "I hope it won't rain." From eqe96_3.htm ..ask if something you did caused a problem rather than just saying you hope it didn't cause a problem. When you ask, you get a chance to get feedback and allow the person to express their feelings. If you don't ask it could imply that you don't care very much how the other person feels. You might actually care more than they realize, but unless you ask them how they feel or how your actions or decison affected them, they aren't likely to feel very cared about or important. It has become common to use the word "hope" in the place of saying "I'm afraid...". I wouild feel more cared about if someone asked me how I felt about something or asked if it would be a problem before they do something, or if they had caused a problem.after they do it. I remember Mikc Wickett saying, "Hope is a waste of time." I tend to agree... |
Core Topics Respect | Empathy
Emotional Literacy |
| 2015 update Recently I was very depressed. A lot of people would say things like "I hope you are having a great birthday" or "I hope you are feeling better." So I saw even more clearly how unhelpful it was to say things like that. I think of someone whose house is on fire and someone else says "I hope it doesn't burn down" but they don't take time t." o help you. |
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| Another note - Recently I told a teen I have been
talking to online what I thought about the word hope. She
used to write me and say things like "I hope you are
ok." Then she changed it to "I want you to be
ok." But nothing else changed. So I thought about
that a bit and came to the conclusion that when you want
something a little you are not very motivated to do
anything to get it. When you "hope" something
will happen, you are probably even less motivated. But if
you really want something you will be more motivated to
take some action. In the case of my online friend I believe she really would like to do something to help me feel better. For example, do something to help me with getting the word out about teen suicide. The trouble is that she lives in fear of her parents. They have physically hit her in the past and threaten her with hitting her again and with other non-physical ways of hurting her. So her fear of them is more of a priority for her survival than her desire to help me or other teenagers. It is a very sad situation and it is painful for me to know that she can't do the things she wants to do, and therefore I am not getting the help I need. I think at this point is is actually causing me more pain when she says "I want you to feel better" than if she were to say, "I feel pain because I live in fer and I can't do the tings I want to do." Or, more specifically, "I feel pain because I feel controlled, unsafe, trapped, threatened. afraid. I feel pain from feeling stopped from helping you and other teens like me." To me this would be preferable because at least it would help her see more clearly what is happening in her life. So I guess my summary is that it seems helpful to think carefully about what we really mean when we use this word "hope."
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