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Feeling Devalued You have to order something. I often feel devalued or unvalued. Or valued just for the money I am spending. Here is one example. Just now I went into a restaurant. I wanted to sit and work on my laptop. I went there the other day and asked if I could sit for awhile without ordering anything to eat or drink. One friendly guy said yes. But today, there was a different guy working there. I asked him the same thing, he said no. He said, "You have to order something." Then he suggested I order a coffee. But I don't drink coffee. And I wasn't thirsty. I just wanted to sit and work. I had been in the hostel dorm room but then someone came in and started talking on the phone. Then she started texting. I could hear the beep of each letter she punched in. So I went out on the balcony. I worked there for a while, then got too hot. So I went back in the air conditioned dorm room. Now the woman who had been talking on the phone and texting was sitting on the floor, leaning back on my bed talking to an oldish woman from Canada on the other bed. *sigh The first woman actually asked me if it would bother me if they were talking. I lied and said, "It's ok." I was not being emotionally honest. Maybe I could have or should have been. Maybe I could have thanked her and told her how hard it was for me to find a place to write. How I am homeless and have been searching for the right working environment for a very long time. Let's say since I left Montenegro in about October of 2010. I believe I have a lot of value to the world, but I guess not much to a cafe or restaurant or hotel owner or employee. I have felt the same thing in other places. I sometimes offer people some kind of help or some suggestions or my writing, but most of the time all they want is my money. If I were to order a coffee, it might cost 2 US dollars here in Malaysia. Let's say their profit is half that. So I am worth 1 dollar to them. That is all. Probably if I told them I was feeling suicidal and it would help to sit at a table and write, they would say the same thing, "You have to order something." I laugh now, but out of sadness. I have so much to offer people, to offer the world. But they don't value it. I believe my time is worth a lot of money in financial terms. If I wanted to dress up in suit and tie again, and market myself to the business world, and cut my hair and shave my scraggly beard, I could probably charge around 1,000 dollars per day. I have been paid that much before actually. |
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I miss the feeling of feeling valued and listened to more than I miss the money. I think of Thoreau who said something similar, that no one really wanted to hear what he had to say. I feel so sad now. Near tears. Thoreau died before he became "famous". He died young. This bench is uncomfortable. It is a hard wooden one. But they gave me permission to sit here. And it is air conditioned. Outside in the bar, which booms too loudly at night, they are playing "Let's dance" and old song from about the 50's or 60's I'd say. Some people still don't know Thoreau. I had heard of him in high school. But didn't understand him or what he was all about. I didn't know he questioned thing so much. I didn't know he disagreed with the status quo. I didn't know he called the Bible an "old book." I didn't know he said something like "I have never heard a thing worth value from an adult." ha ha. That makes me laugh. I don't know if they would let me stay here if they didn't think I might be a guest of the hostel/lodge/hotel upstairs. A lot of westerners come here, so I was hoping they'd just assume I "belong" here. Belong. Interesting word. Some guy with a G name talked about it. He said we all have the need to belong and some other things. |
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| Back to the first cafe
that wouldn't let me stay there today. I don't think I
mentioned the place was almost empty. I wonder how the guy really felt. Did he feel bad at all? Was he afraid his boss would complain? Or did he feel a little powerful since he had a chance to enforce a rule and "exercise his power"? I don't know and it is very unlikely he would tell me honestly how he felt, if he were even aware. I would guess that he would feel quickly defensive if I had asked him how he feels about the rule. I've asked a lot of people questions like that. It isn't fun or interesting anymore. It is discouraging, depressing because I have learned most people get defensive and or are not emotionally honest or aware or just don't give me what I would call an "intelligent answer." |