Education, Family Values, Suicidal Teens

Today I was talking to a teenager who self-harms and is suicidal. She said she wanted to help me more with my work, but she has too much homework all the time. I asked her which one she would rather do if it were entirely up to her to decide. This is how she answered.

I don't know. Both really. I'd like my family to be proud of me, but I want to help others too.

Then I asked her if she would do something she didn't really believe in if it made her family proud of her. Here is what she said:

Probably. Cuz I love them and they are so happy when I get good grades.
I can help them by that.
There has been a lot of crying in my family so I do what I can to help the smiles.

These few words tell us a lot about family values, society, the education system and teen suicide. Let me explain.

We learn about family values and society because we see that in this family and society, like in so many, what gets approval, praise and "smiles" is what are commonly referred to as "good grades." Each time I hear this term though, I cringe. To me getting high scores on exams over subjects which are not really helping humanity with its most urgent problems are not what I would call getting good grades. If I had a son or daughter getting what others called "good grades" I would be very unhappy. I would want my kids or teens to be doing something better with their time than trying to jump through the hoops like animals on display at the circus. I would want them spending their time directly helping children less fortunate than them for example. I would not want them putting any value whatsoever on either a high school degree or a university degree. I would want them thinking only about how they could work for themselves in the future doing something which the world truly needs. Not just trying to get a job later like the masses of people do. We are also reminded of the importance of grades in the education sytem. In most schools around the world you get no credit for doing volunteer work. And you get little, if any, training on how to set up your own business. Nor do you even get any encouragement towards such a goal.

And from the few words from this teen's fingertips we learn about teen suicide because we see a young person who has taken on the impossible task of keeping everyone in her family happy. She will put her own values and happiness aside so she can keep the family together. No one in her family wants her to pursue her own goals or dreams. They don't want to hear about her feelings. She is being used by everyone in the family as a dumping ground for their toxic emotions. I know a bit more about her family than is revealed in this short exchange, but these few sentences give the basic idea.

Because she has taken on the impossible task of being responsible for the emotions of others, she is destined to fail. Then she will feel like a failure, or we might say she will feel "failful." When we combine this with the way she has been called selfish when she thinks of her own feelings and with the fact that there is no one there for her when she needs to express her painful feelings, we have the basic ingredients for teen suicide. (See also this story called "You're just being stupid.") This teen also says that she "loves" her family. But there is really very little that she likes about any of them. And hey have all hurt her. Her parents have physically hurt her, not even mentioning the psychological damage. So what she really means is she, like insecure teens from emotionally incompetent families, feels a need for them because they provide her the only semblance of security, as fragile and artificial as it may be. It is not a true sense of security because it is always based on her getting their approval.

From my many hours of talking to her and watching her try to help other self-harming teens in our group chats, I have seen that she is a person who is instinctively wired to help people. This is what gives her emotional fulfilment, helps her feel useful and gives her a sense of purpose, a reason to live. This is so clear that there is no doubt in my mind. But she is being forced to go to a school where she is constantly under pressure to compete for grades and even positions on the sports teams. On top of everything else she is forced to sit through religious programming which she does not even believe in. But if she does not attend she will be punished, her parents will be called, they will disapprove, etc etc. So she spends nearly her whole week doing everything that others want her to do in order to keep the peace in the family.

This is no way for anyone to live. And at some point, she may realize this and take her self out of this dysfunctional family and social equation.

And as I have said before, if she does, no one should be surprised.

Steve Hein
April 24, 2005