Correspondence from Eevee in the USA (Reprinted with permission)
hello...
uh...this following email is about my problems, and i was wondering if u could help me. if i was not supposed to email u about that kind of stuff or if u really don't care, i apologize. u can just delete this. anyway. my life is really bad (to me). i am very very depressed everyday. many things bother me. every little thing bothers me in life. it's not that i'm not satisfied, but every time something BAD happens, i remember it, and it is impossible for me to forget about it. i only have one true best friend (to my standards) who actually listens to me and comforts me. no one else understands, not even my parents. they just assume my problems are small ones, and i am being silly when i say i am sad or i need help, because "...at my age i could not possibly have any problems to worry about..."
another part of my problem is my school. i go to a magnet school, which means i was selected to take a test, and got into a school where i learn harder stuff. i am not bragging, because i am not proud of that. well, at this school, there are also non-magnet students. and they take pleasure in making us feel insignficant, such as by name-calling or harassing us. i know i have to just "ignore them," but to me, it's not that easy. i am a person who takes everything in and keeps it in mind. i know the things they say aren't true, but everytime they say something negative, i remember it for the rest of my lfie, and i am hurt very very deeply. after 3 years of this suffering, i have just gotten sick of my life. i know this is nothing to be obssessing over, because it's not like my whole life, but i care, for now. this is just one of my many "issues" in life.
about the best friend i have. well, i am now permanently attached to her. i cannot live without her. i am thoroughly dependent on her. everytime i have a problem, i can only go to her to talk about it, because, to me, she is the only who understands and helps me. as i said before, i am always sad, but when i am having a good time with her, i become HAPPY and forget about my problems. (nowadays, that has changed, because my problems have become so great that i always remember them, even when i'm laughing about something, so i only become SLIGHTLY happy. well, that is better than nothing.)
i know i am excepted, cared about, etc. but this is bad, because without her, i become sad and alone again. she is like the only hope i have in life. these are only half of my problems. please tell me what i should do to solve my problems, and please help me learn how to be happy again. if u want to learn more, u can go to my site, though i warn u, there is profanity, because i am just so mad at my life, but it explains how i feel about it. it's angelfire.com/me2/eevee100. if u feel i am making a big deal over nothing, i don't blame u. if u don't want to help, i don't blame u either. but thanx for listening, if u did.
-person who needs help =====
"Life is like a bunch of crap, 'cause ya never know when ur gonna slip on it."
Later I got an email from a friend of eevee's who wishes to remain annonymous.
I will just share a couple thing this friend said:
thank you for not writing back to her and not being like all the other bastards who either think we 1) just make a big deal outta everything and really have perfectly fine lives or 2) enjoy disturbing them.
The friend also talked about getting pressure from the parent to do things the friend doesn't want to do but that the parent thinks will be "fun."
sorry i haven't emailed u. i have been busy, and i was putting it off, and then i forgot. well, anyway, thanx for saying i'm creative and all, though i'm actually pretty stupid. as my friend said before, the students who truly are geniuses are made for the magnet program, but those who are only semi-smart (like me) give their life and soul just to stay in it. i used to be real responsible and stuff, but now, i've gotten to be real stupid. a month ago, on a math test, i didn't have time to study, so i got a C. just a week ago, i had another math test (on a different subject), and i really studied hard, and i was really confident i would get an A (in fact, it was the most confident i had ever been for a long time), yet, i still got a C. so, i have figured out that i truly am stupid, and studying and not studying doesn't make a difference, so i should stop bothering with it. a C is supposedly "average" as the county school system calls it, but to my parents, and even me, an A is what i think i should be getting (so i really hate myself now). but my parents don't know i'm getting C's, so somehow, i hafta pull my grades up to an A. i'm going to high school next year, but that means i'll probably be split up from my friends. right now, i'm in a magnet school, but a person only stays in it from 6th to 8th grade and i am in 8th grade right now. to continue with the magnet, u hafta take another test (we already took it a week ago) for the high school program, but since i'm stupid and all, i probably won't get in. there's a whole lot of competition. and the stupid thing is, they have to take the same number of students from each middle school, so even if i was smarter than someone from another school that got selected, i still probably wouldn't get in, because there are a whole lot of ppl smarter than me in my school who'll be selected before me. if i don't get in, i'll go back to my home school, and the same goes with my friends, but we have different home schools. so the only way we can stay together is by getting into the high school magnet...but we highly doubt that (because we are ALL suddenly doing badly in school...i think it's got something to do with how we're so depressed and stuff). i am VERY dependent on my friends. actually, there is only one i am dependent to. and i HAVE to be with her. i don't really care about my other friends (sorry if i sound selfish), because i don't think they care much about me, and they don't understand ANYTHING about me. only that one friend understands me. she's the only person who can make me at least semi-happy. and i really don't wanna go back to my home school. i HATE starting over and making friends (i think i have social anxiety disorder, because those ppl at my school hurt me so much, that now, i'm scared of "humans." i have the constant thought that ppl are laughing at how stupid i look or am). and i don't believe in that shit about how i can "stay in touch" with my friends even after we go to different schools, because that has happened before, and i KNOW we will eventually be cut off, and things will change (i hate change...). so, basically, the only true reason i am trying to get into the high school magnet is to stay with her. so, my life is very confusing and troubled. i also have a lot of other problems that i really prefer not to think about, but i always still do. i am the kind of person who remembers anything anyone has ever said, and i will never forget. i especially remember the stupid things i ever did. i also remember the mean things other ppl have done or said to me. they continue to circulate in my head, and i become greatly depressed, because i take in everything as an opinion i should consider, even if i know it's completely untrue. i am a VERY PARANOID person. if something happens that i don't understand or i am surprised by, my mind transforms it into a bad sign, and i become extremely confused and worried. i also can't seem to remember the happy memories from my childhood, which saddens me. well, i think i should stop rambling on and on. this extremely long and pathetic email contained a bit more of my many problems. thanx for listening. -ivy p.s. i have also realized that i REALLY HATE HUMANS THAT ASSUME (i use the word humans, because i don't think they're worthy enough to be referred to as "ppl"...they deserve to be in the level with animals (i have many reasons for that, but i won't go there for now)...actually, even lower, but then i don't think there's a word for that. wow. i have just shown u another reason y i am disturbing). assuming are what make humans what they are. by assuming, they show their ignorance, and many ppl i know are extremely ignorant, which angers me, because that's the reason y nobody understands me 'cept for that one friend. i especially hate it when i tell ppl i am sad, and they say "u laugh all the time, u seem to be happy." that angers me so much. just because i laugh doesn't mean i am happy. i was talking to a friend just last week (whom i have now dubbed as the queen of ignorance), and we somehow got into the discussion about me being depressed. i said that if i really were to suicide, i would take all those bastards who ever hurt me (the ones that KNEW they were hurting me and still purposely did it) down to hell with me. and she argued that i wouldn't be accomplishing anything, and that i would be much happier living than being dead. she said that living was happy. but i told her, for me, my life contains almost nothing happy in it. then she starting saying how she didn't understand y i was so depressed. she started assuming i had all these problems, and i told her those weren't my problems. and then, u know what she said? "well, then there can't possibly be any other problems that u can be depressed over." MY GOD WHAT AN IGNORANT HUMAN. that's the only thing i thought about for the rest of the day. there were also other stuff that happened that led me to the conclusion of how humans are ignorant bastards, but i'm rambling on again, so i'll stop. bye now. yet again, thanx for tolerating me and my strange life.
>From: Squishable Eevee
>To: steve hein
>Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 16:29:00 -0800 (PST)
>
>hello.
>yes, u can put my stuff up. as for my name, i
>don't really care how u put it. i actually
>very much appreciate u putting my stuff up,
>because then ppl would know how life really
>is...and that's a very hard thing to do. too many
>ppl are ignorant, and they pull a cover over
>their eyes...and that's just avoiding the
>problem. i hate when ppl say, "IT COULD'VE BEEN
>WORSE." to me, that is BULLSHIT.
>because...then...i could just say, IT COULD'VE
>BEEN BETTER!!! those ppl who say that are just
>trying to make everything SEEM better when the
>situation is still there, and then when they
>remember how bad it was, they are so incredibly
>surprised and feel even worse than at first.
>but....that's all just my opinion.
>oh yea. my problems actually don't come from
>religion. no one forces me to believe in it or
>anything. nobody criticizes me for being a "bad"
>person. i started becoming paranoid and hating
>myself because of what the ppl (the non-magnets)
>at my school said and did to me. they said the
>usual mean stuff, the taunts, the harassing, but
>i let NOTHING get past me...so instead of
>ignoring them (because they are just stupid
>asses), i swallowed it all down, and everything
>circulated in my head, and then i actually
>started to believe those ppl. so, i try to make
>myself better and up to those ppl's standards, so
>they will stop picking on me, but it never works,
>they just keep coming back (not the same
>ppl...it's different every time..."they" implies
>all the non-magnets). and so, i stress myself
>out. and these problems get to me so much that i
>start doing worse in other things, such as
>school.
>i think i am disturbing to (most) others, because
>other ppl usally don't, or haven't, thought about
>life (and other things) in such detail as i have,
>because they haven't been through as much as me.
>and i'm sorry to say this, but i hate happy ppl.
>i know i shouldn't hate them, but i just feel so
>mad to know that they have the ability to make
>themselves happy, while i can't. well, some of
>them might also just be happy because they've
>never met (much) evil, but i can't be the one to
>judge and assume stuff. so...i guess i should
>shut up now.
>okay...this has been a pretty long email. thanx
>for listening (yet again).
>
-ivy