What do people need?

One of my beliefs is that we are all here to help each other meet our individual needs. This leads to the question of who is the best judge of what an individual person needs. If I really want to help you, is it helpful if I decide for you what you need? Is it helpful if I then tell you what you need and I tell you what you should do to fill that need?

Let's look at two hypothetical examples from a teenager's life. Two teens are sitting at the table in the school cafeteria. They want to talk in private, but there are others at the table. They are not allowed to leave the cafeteria or they will be punished, so they decide to go sit on the floor in the corner and talk. They are comfortable and not bothering anyone. They are well out of the way so they are not obstructing anyone who might be trying to pass by. They are in the middle of a discussion which is very important to them and they don't have much time before they have to go to their respective classes. They will be punished if they are late for those classes. For the time being, though, their needs are met. Their need for privacy is met, as is their need for social connection and emotional support. Then a school authority comes along and says "Ladies, you need to get off the floor."

But is this really what the two people need? Or is it more accurate to say that it is what the school authority wants? What would happen if the girls disagreed with the school authority figure and said, "Actually our needs are met right now, or they were till you interrupted us." It can be expected they would be ordered to get up... or face punishment. They might even be punished merely for "talking back," depending on how insecure the authority figure was. If so, then the expression "you need to..." is actually more of a threat than an attempt at helping someone meet their needs. If anyone needs the two people to get up, it seems that it is the school authority figure. Let's say it is the school principal. He or she might "need" them to get up so they will conform to principal's expectations of how people "should" behave.

Or the principal might "need" them to get up to help fill the principal's own need to feel in control. The girls were comfortable; it was the school principal who was bothered by them sitting there. So it seems the principal was the one with the greater need. It might be more accurate for the principal to say "I need you two to get up."

But this implies the principal is dependent on the behavior of someone else in order to feel satisfied. Feeling dependent on someone puts us in an uncomfortable position. It is so uncomfortable that we may go to extreme lengths to get another person to do what we want them to in order for our needs to be met. For example, in the event that the two people decide not to make the change the principal wants, the principal may feel out of control, which may simply be too uncomfortable of a feeling to accept. So the principal might try all sorts of means to get the people to behave as he or she wants them to. One could expect most principals to quickly threaten the two people. One might even expect that the principal would order the use of force, perhaps calling someone to physically move the people. I have heard of cases where police were called into a school to handcuff and remove a person simply because they refused to obey a school authority, even though the person's only offense other than disobedience was the type of clothing they were wearing.

In our example, the longer the principal tries to force the two people to obey him/her, the less time there is to finish their conversation and fill their social needs. Additionally, the two people's need to feel safe has also been destabilized because they are now feeling threatened.

It would seem, then, that when the principal tells the two that they "need" to get up, the principal is creating more unmet needs in the two young people rather than accurately identifying their needs or helping fill them.

Here is another example. A person puts her head down on her desk at school because she did not sleep well the night before. Her parents were fighting and the police were called. The teacher is unaware of this, though, and simply says, "Mary, you need to lift up your head." But is this what Mary needs? Or does she need sleep? Who actually has the need for Mary to lift her head? Doesn't Mary actually need not only rest, but understanding and empathy?

Another of my beliefs is that it is part of the natural order of human relationships that adults are here to help meet the needs of those younger. I believe this is especially true in a school environment where one of the main goals is, or could be, helping fill a young person's needs. With the number of broken and troubled homes, schools are increasingly called upon to meet the social needs of the people they are responsible for. Many schools are responding to this need. As a further step in this direction, I would like to propose that school teachers and school authorities be sensitized to the real social and emotional needs of the students. I'd also like to suggest that they take more care in making declarations about who needs what. We can not really know what a person needs till we understand their individual situation. Finally, I'd like to suggest that they remember that when students feel threatened and forced, they do not feel safe, not to mention respected, and that fear impedes the ability to listen, concentrate and learn.

S. Hein
April 2003