A Counseling Model Using Emotional Intelligence Theory

I. Theory

II. Suggestions for Practice

• 3 word sentences --
  • I feel judged, I feel rejected, I feel ignored
    
• Common Negative Feelings
  • Rejected, insulted, invalidated, discouraged, disrespected, resentful (See list)
    
• Label feelings rather than people, situations
  • "I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous."
  • "I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk."
  • "I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like a idiot."
    
• Distinguish between thoughts and feelings I feel like.... I feel that....I feel as if ... vs. I feel (feeling word)

Handouts

• Feeling word lists

• Letting client's feelings guide them to what is important for them to think about
• Asking them to rate their feelings on a 0-10 scale
• Setting feeling goals (How are they feeling now, what action can they take to progress towards their feeling goal)
  Example: Client is feeling lonely, disconnected wants to feel connected, less alone. Help client identify action steps.
• Helping them use their feelings to make better decisions
• Asking them to consider "How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't"

• Helping client understand the purpose of their feelings, such as
  • Their survival value to the species
  • The possibility of getting a positive value from negative emotions
• Helping client understand the difference between Primary and Secondary Emotions
  • Anger could be because you are afraid or feel ignored, disrespected, invalidated
  • Looking at anger as energy which can be used constructively or destructively
  • Depression - Could be combinations of lonely, ignored, discouraged, overwhelmed, unvalued, pessimistic, sadness, loss, grief, misunderstood, unappreciated

Helping client recognize emotionally unsafe situations/people

• Learning to be aware of and to avoid people who advise, command, control, criticize, judge, lecture, invalidate, disrespect them

Helping client learn to ask "What would help me feel better?"

Helping others

Helping client show respect for other people's feelings

• "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you feel if I don't."

Helping client avoid causing feelings which they themselves dislike

Helping client take responsibility for their own feelings

• "I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous."

Helping client learn to validate feelings, avoid invalidation and empathize

Helping client learn to help others determine what would help them feel better