Thank you to the teens

I just want to say thank you to all the teens who have shared their lives with me over the past few years. And especially to those who became my friends and who care about me. I just got one of the nicest emails from someone who I originally met online when she was feeling suicidal as a teenager.

Here is part of that email

things about my life right now.
im off probation. all that court stuff, its done.
i got high that night, i think just because i could. lol.
but i dont plan on doing it again.

idk really. i have met a boy too. im not sure how well its going to work out.
or now we are, idk, unofficial, which is the way i like it.

that's about it.

i quit taking my meds.
told my mom no more.
no more shrinks.
no more pills.

she agreed.

so. hah. that's about it.

thanks for emailing back.

tell me all about pato if you'd like. im all ears and to be honest i want to know. i care about you. and want you to be happy.

<3
hugs

I have said this before but I want to say it again. All the models of emotional intelligence I have seen so far fail to explain why an intelligent sensitive teenager would feel suicidal or actually commit suicide.

I’ve been talking to suicidal teens for over 6 years now. I don’t just talk to them, though. I often become very close to them. This has caused some people to judge and criticize me, but I was able to learn much more about their lives and their individual situations than if I were a more distant, detached and “professional” counselor.

From my work with the suicidal teens I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have unusually high innate emotional intelligence. But they all come from dysfunctional, emotionally abusive homes. A high percentage of them also come from physically and or sexually abusive homes.

So not only do I want to say thank you to the teens, but I want to urge anyone who is interested in either emotional intelligence or humanity to reconsider what people like Goleman, Bar-On and Mayer/Salovey/Caruso are saying about EI.

Steve Hein
Salta, Argentina
January 29, 2007

PS I want to add one more thing. It is the teenagers who have taught me what it means to really love and accept someone someone. I say that because right now I hurting because I can't be with the person I want to be with. I love her more than she loves me and in the past I probably would have felt bitter about it, but thanks mostly to the teenagers I have talked to, I've learned to see the inside of people, to not be so judgmental, to be more accepting and to love someone for who they are and not feel bitter when they don't meet all of my emotional needs, but instead to just keep loving them. This is helping me keep the doors open to what might be the best relationship I've ever had and helping at the least to keep me from hiding my pain behind a wall of self-protection and apparent coldness.

The teens have helped me really understand why people do what they do later in life. I see the connection between how they are treated in their homes and schools and what happens to them over time. I have seen that it doesn't help to judge and label someone. What helps is to get to know them, to accept them. To listen to them. To care about them. To love them for who they are and to understand their emotinal needs and to understand where their pain is coming from.

PPS If you are interested in knowing more about what's happening in my personal/love life here is something else called "It hurts"