Steph Eaux

* under construction

Steph Eaux
19 as of Septemeber 2009

On this page we will post the writing and work of Steph Eaux from the USA. Steph has been in contact with EQI.org since 2008. Later we will post more from her.

On Violence

Living in Fear

Sept 12, 2009

Avoiding what you’ve been told to leave behind
It’s as natural as impulse
How do you destroy something that everyone is born with?
Just shut it off?
After you’ve been straightened up, you’ll stand this test
And finally be able to suppress those swirling things called feelings in your brain
Strain your eyes with tears
Leave marks on your skin
Take legal meds or drown in addiction
This won’t help us win
Pray and meditate for it to go away
But who will stand up to identify these things inside?
Instead of pretending
Like it’s all just make believe

I was thinking the other day when talking to my friend about violent protests basically... and how I think it's hypocritical, you know "bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity" so if you protest a war or protest against violent things, USING violence then I thought it'd be hypocritical. but uprisings in history, like the slaves against white masters, etc were violent but were needed and helped them. for a while I thought using peaceful means was good, and me just thinking that lack of empathy is what causes people to want to go to war in the first place, plus unfulfilled needs and such. but my friend brought up how that's what "they" want, is peaceful means because with peace theirs no resistance really, no uprising. When he worded it like that, it made sense. I'll show you what he said if you want, to give you more perspective.

but what I guess I'm wondering is... to obtain real peace do you think it's okay to use violence to fight against capitalism and war? and is it emotionally intelligent to fight if fighting will give you freedom, like said slaves against white people.

me: id say lets remeber india and ghandi. it worked there. i think non violence does work if enough pple unite. we outnumber those who control us. violence doesn't attract many intelligent supporters id say

Steph's commentary on Goleman's book "Emotional Intelligence"

Steph: it's interesting so far, yet he contradicts himself by saying negative things about impulses then talks about them differently the next second
(11:00 PM) Steph: like he talks about how emotions work.. like with the amygdala, limbic, prefrontal lobe, neocortex... how they work together and such
here's something I found though
(11:01 PM) Steph: "That is why when we are emotionally upset we say we "just can't think straight" (the circuits from limbic to prefrontal lobes causing neural static from strong emotions like anxiety, anger, which sabotages the prefrontal lobe to be able to maintain working memory)
(11:02 PM) Steph: and wy continual emotional distress can create deficits in a child's intellectual abilities, crippling the capacity to learn.
why*
that last part..
(11:02 PM) Steph: That would explain
(11:02 PM) Steph: Why so many people don't want to "learn" at school!
(11:03 PM) Steph: and my niece...
who gets yelled at for not doing her homework and stupid shit
(11:40 PM) Steph: oh btw
Danny does mention concepts that he never defines like Steve says
such as
(11:40 PM) Steph: EMOTIONAL FACULTY or EMOTIONAL LEARNING
(11:41 PM) Steph: He might as well have a copyright symbol after naming them off lol
Emotional Faculty (c )

10:19 PM) Steph: I wonder though if he meant the emotions have like an affect internally in the brain, or if he meant a child will care less more about educational things
(10:20 PM) Steph: at first I thought the latter but then I re read it again after I sent that to you and thought the first.. cos of how he words it
(10:21 PM) Tim: hmm... but the 2nd one makes sense quite a bit
so yeah...
so is reading his book a waste of time?
(10:21 PM) Steph: well I'm on the third chapter now.. was cleaning my room, but now I'm fixing to get back to it
I mean, some of it is good
(10:22 PM) Steph: like I like how he talked about how they work in the brain
with amygdala and such
(10:22 PM) Steph: and gave sources, so I can look at those sources and see for myself
(10:22 PM) Steph: haven't gotten to the infamous "EQ accounts for 80% blah blah" part yet, lol
remember that part?
that Steve mentioned
er
(10:23 PM) Tim: oh wow lol
but then he has things that he has no support for
(10:23 PM) Steph: people use 80% of EQ.. or something like that
and yeah, exactly
I've been keeping an eye out for those things
but at the same time trying to keep an "open mind"

(7:42 PM) Steph: Goleman said in ch 3 that high IQ doesn't mean your emotionally intelligent
(7:43 PM) Steph: then he turns around and says in ch. 6 that impulse control leads to higher grades, as if higher grades are important
even though he said differently in ch 3
(7:43 PM) Steph: so it seems like in ch 3 he wanted people to know that EQ is more important than IQ or something, than to illustrate the importance of impulse control talked about high grades....
in ch 6 I mean
(7:44 PM) Steph: also talked about repressors...
which I guess are drugs
me and you both believe hugs > drugs
(7:44 PM) Steph: I want to write about how
(7:44 PM) Steph: Dealing with one's emotions (anger, depression) will help more than distractions and represesors
that's another thing
he said distractions are basically helpful
(7:45 PM) Steph: of course one of his examples were a pleasant scenery which I'm on the fence about.. if one is enraged then is soothed by pleasant scenery like a beach or wildlife then that would be helpful.
but distractions
don't get to the root of the problem!
so I want to talk about that
(7:46 PM) Steph: Dealing with problem, listening to emotions vs avoidance (distractions drugs etc)
(7:46 PM) Steph: and about how "efficient" this stuff is
(7:46 PM) Steph: and questioning efficiency vs well-being for oneself
(7:47 PM) Steph: like someone who just keeps working who probably keeps their emotions inside all the time... which must be very laborous and hurtful..
oh
there was something else..
(7:51 PM) Steph: oh!
how impulse control might not always be helpful
(7:51 PM) Steph: I told you about that
but those are two things I want to write about
(7:53 PM) Steph: Goleman really does focus on efficiency though
like comparing Asians to Americans and how Asians will study later at night or in the morning before school
(7:55 PM) Steph: Says four year olds who controlled their impuse have "positive traits" like more social competence, personally effective (that word again), self-assertive, can cope with frustrations in life
(7:55 PM) Steph: Those who didn't shy away from social contacts, stubborn, easily upset by frustrations, think of hemself as bad/unworthy... etc
(7:56 PM) Steph: also said "poor control can lead to delinquency"
(7:56 PM) Steph: Steve might've already said it.. I think he did
when he talked about impulse control and marshmallow thing
(7:57 PM) Steph: I forgot what exactly he said
(7:58 PM) Steph: but I think he said that different things may be there that Goleman isn't really saying...
Like different genes, environments (emotionally abusive parents)
(7:59 PM) Steph: "anyone can do anything in school with the right effort."
okay
but what if their parents are drunk every night and fight?
(7:59 PM) Steph: what if their parents divorced?
what if their older brother or sister picks on them?
there are THOUSANDS of things that can come at play here
(8:00 PM) Steph: oh another quality was
"to be resentful or mistrustful about 'not getting enough'"
hmm. Maybe their parents don't give them enough?
(8:00 PM) Steph: see
.. well yeah.
(8:01 PM) Steph: if someone doesn't have the "motivation", there is a reason why!
why is it so bad if people focus on their emotions
(8:02 PM) Steph: if someone wants to quit to focus on something else
(8:02 PM) Steph: then maybe their priorities have switched
to something more important
(8:03 PM) Steph: Priorities change, just because you aren’t motivated and you aren’t being effective doesn’t mean you’re a mess. If you focus on your emotions and ask yourself what would make you feel better…

(8:12 PM) Steph: here's an example of his focus on distractions
(8:14 PM) Steph: ".. they were able to read the social situation as one where delay was beneficial, to pry their attention from focusing on the temptation at hand, and to distract themselves while maintaining the necessary perserverance towards their goal - the two marshmallows."
(8:15 PM) Steph: okay so what if someone just broke up with them, or doesn't like them romantically anymore etc, person gets depressed. What if they asked themselves important questions, like why they are depressed, why that person was important...
(8:15 PM) Steph: they may discover that they were clinging on to that person to fulfill emotional needs
(8:15 PM) Steph: so then they could fulfill their own emotional needs
whereas DISTRACTIONS DON'T DO THAT.
(8:16 PM) Steph: watching a comedy film or whatever
WON'T DO ANYTHING HELPFUL.
(8:17 PM) Steph: hm
(8:17 PM) Steph: I don't think making good decisions is based on denying impulse
I think it's based on whatever is more beneficial and will make you happier
(8:17 PM) Steph: like I said about if you really want to see someone but it might not, rationally, be the best thing to do
but emotionally you will feel very happy
(8:18 PM) Steph: so listening to impulse
can be good.
(8:26 PM) Stephard work is worth it. Not all worth requires hard work. ] has changed his/her status to Idle
(8:37 PM) Steph: also
impulses
(8:37 PM) Steph: when I get an idea, like a line in my head for a song, I want to write it down immediately so I don't forget
is that a bad impulse?
(8:41 PM) Tim: hey
well, it depends what u define as bad impulse
i wouldn't consider it bad because it isn't very potentially detrimental (hmm, did i spell this right?)
(8:41 PM) Steph: I think so
(8:41 PM) Tim: detrimental... *looks it up*
oh, really?
(8:41 PM) Tim: ooh, yay
lol
(8:43 PM) Tim: hmm, yeah, there could be some thing that asians have done that makes them so great at school, like uh, i guess they are brainwashed into thinking that school is super important too, and then they numb their emotions when it comes to doing the work
cuz obviously no one wants to do the work
but they "have" to
(8:45 PM) Tim: maybe the way certain asian parents were taught to parent that they... well, i guess they just set the standards really high and...
(8:45 PM) Tim: but of course
this is just a stereotype
"All Asians are smart."
lol
(8:46 PM) Tim: i really like how u analyzed goleman's book so far
(8:47 PM) Steph: lol I know, that's what I thought, except not brainwashed.. I mean that's not the exact word I thought of, but I thought of how their parents place overimportance on school and probably train.... I mean "inspire" them to work hard
(8:47 PM) Tim: yeah
(8:47 PM) Steph: " If we make decisions and form relationships strictly based on logic, we are likely to miss out on many joys in life by thinking of all the practical reasons not to experience pleasure."
that's what I think of on impulse control
from ch 2 of eq for everybody
(8:48 PM) Steph: like that pretty much sums up my thoughts on it... people delay impulses even when they might help you feel good
not saying all impulses are good but that's my arguement for good ones
oh
and thanks
(8:49 PM) Steph: I also like how I analyzed it so far...
I feel empowered

======

When a partner beats a spouse it's called abuse.
When a parent beats their child it's called discipline.
When a child is curious, parents tell them to stop asking questions.
When a parent forces them to go to school, it's because they want them to be smart.
An adult can skip a job day and play sick whenever they want.
A child can't do what would be more useful to herself because their parents ignore them and send them to school.
An adult can find a place and time to cry.
A child may never have the place and time to cry that she needs because adults may use double standards and tell them to shut up.
When an individual's virginity is stolen by force, and she says "no", it's called rape.
When a child is forced and she doesn't want to do something and says "No" it's called discipline.
Slaves were whipped by their masters.
Children are whipped by their parents.

Living in Fear

you know, me you or Steve.. I think it'd be useful if one of us wrote about how sad it is that one has to be paranoid in ones' own home. Not the first time I thought about it either because I'd think of your situation and I'd think of how sad it is that you have to live like that... in hiding. It's like the whole lying mechanism - parents indirectly teach their kids to lie because they put fear in them when they tell the truth.

So you ge tpunished for lying, get punished for telling the truth.

Sept 24

On leaving school

I left school senior year and then just stayed at the house and learned stuff on my own. I wish I left school sooner, Maybe I'd feel better and more useful.

I feel insecure, or maybe self conscious too that I didn't choose the same route as everyone else. That I don't want or care to have a GED because it'd be going back to that same system. I don't want to support the flawed educational system.

and i feel insecure that I left school since leaving school is so "bad"

Sept 24

From: Steph Eaux

Sent: Wed 8/26/09 5:39 PM

Lately I've been trying to help teens and even some adults.. on takethislife. I just click topics and post and try to listen.. ask people how they feel ___(feeling) on a scale of 0-10. Ask what would make them feel better. Sometimes I feel self-conscious because I don't know if the questions bother them, when really they do help because it shows someone cares about how they feel and such. I think I feel self-conscious because I'm used to people saying I ask too many questions, to stop questioning. But I value it so much.

I look foward to a response from you Steve. I am glad that someone like Priscilla is with you.

I thought yesterday of how Sarah called you a hero. You're mine too Steve. I went on takethislife for my own sadness but then started wanting to help people... to listen to them. Of course I feel sad when people give advice like to take meds or to get help (psychiatry). I just want to say, you aren't sick! You don't have bipolar! and copy+paste your bipolar page. Or any page. But I feel scared of offending people I guess. I don't know what to do about that... but I want to be someone's hero. My niece's, depressed individuals around the world... any friends I might make. It's nice though to make friends on that forum.

well college... there's a few things. I'll try to explain them all. First off I've had a big aversion against college, even before I left the summer before senior year, decided not to go back and such, and even before I read the Teenage Liberation handbook which is what inspired me to leave.

The original reason is of course, "why would I want to go to school more than what I've had to so far"

so then more reasons came after becoming an autodidact and hating the school system and so forth

So here are some of the reasons I don't like college.

More sucking up to professors, pleasing them and saying the right answers to receive an A+. Learning becomes something you get (diploma) not something you do. And people make it out to be like you can't do anything unless you go to college, like they have all this knowledge you don't, when really, you can learn anything they teach you. ANYTHING.

except maybe the medical field

in which you're obligated to go to college.

But I don't want to be in that field. I don't like doctors and feel very judgmental towards them, and biased.

I feel judgmental towards a lot of groups, such as psychiatrists, psychologists, teachers, doctors... maybe police too

Oh and college focuses on the diploma and not learning.. which I already said... but yeah. the fact it focuses so much on diplomas and getting a career is what puts me off because the kinds of things I want to do I can do without them.

I guess where the dilemma has come in and continues to come in is the fact that people hail college as an experience. and the fact that a lot of people my age go there. and something I've realized recently is what makes it worse on me is that I never had the 'high school experience' of stuff that is probably overglorified by media and probably isn't that great anyway.

and then it goes in circles. "I'll be supporting something I hate.""I'll be paying for something just for the social experience and not for the career, when I don't care about a career anyways and can do things on my own."

lately it's not bad I guess because I've decided I'll go to college for a year next year. I told my parents I'll go for a full year, if I don't like it, it's okay for me to quit. because I don't want them to complain that I didn't finish it and have them build expectations like they did for school

"ooh you've disappointed me"

but yeah..

I guess it's okay now. I guess.. even though I'll probably be wasting money for nothing. But I know I won't be satiated at all unless I at least try it.

because all I'm doing is using up money to "see what it's like" and "experience" blah balh blah

so the only thing that bugs me is the money wasting

or potential money wasting

maybe I'll stay for more than one year

which would be very surprising

oh

I forgot, another reason is that psychologist article.. the professor talking about making more money by prescription of pills?

that bothered me

and the suicide policy page

also on your website

both of those pages

suicide policy in colleges I mean

universities

but yeah..

So I guess now I'm scared of getting sucked in to things that don't matter like sports

even though I don't care for much sports really.. at all.

the only reason I mention that, I guess, is the "experience". Like maybe a 1 out of 10 chance of getting sucked into it since I wasn't in high school. if you know what I mean

That's pretty much it

that I'll go to the dark side

I'm kind of worried that I might some bit.

I'm very anti school, so in a way me going to college is a large contradiction...a paradox

Ruki says:
Steve I want to ask you something
Ruki says:
.. well first did you read my email?
Ruki says:
the last one I sent
steve says:
let me check
steve says:
i probably did
steve says:
i feel guilty now
Ruki says:
emotionally intelligent economist
Ruki says:
it's okay
Ruki says:
hug
steve says:
id like to talk to u more one day... about my feelings RE u
steve says:
cuz ur in a special category
steve says:
lol
Ruki says:
me too
Ruki says:
oh
Ruki says:
here is my other question
steve says:
i thought i wrote back about the economist question....
steve says:
i definitely read it and thought about it
Ruki says:
er my original question.... anyways. if I ever wanted to teach kids in an emotionally intelligent based school, like if you helped me make one or something, could I be a teacher without a degree? and how
Ruki says:
and I feel good, that you thought about it
Ruki says:
I don't think I got an email back though
steve says:
well basically id say we have to distinguish between inate ei and environmentally shaped ei
steve says:
so saying an emotionaly intelligent economist doesnt really say much by itself till we know which we are talking about
steve says:
but i guess u mean one with high inate ei
steve says:
and maybe added to that one with training in ei stuff according to my idea of what ei is and could be for society
Ruki says:
ahh I have to admit I always get EI and EQ mixed up. I'm trying to work on that.. but I know one is innate and one is learned skills. and y eah, basically that is what I meant
Ruki says:
high inate ei and training and such
steve says:
ok
steve says:
then i have to think about it more : )
steve says:
and ur second question....about teachin.g...
steve says:
well if i make a school or an institute or whatever u wont need a degree from some where else.
steve says:
and i suspect that there are some places who would hire u if u just were good at what u do and didnt have a degree
steve says:
right now no one actually has degrees in ei
steve says:
its not a major or anything
steve says:
just education or psychologhy
Ruki says:
do you think that's good, or bad?
Ruki says:
that it's not a major
steve says:
well kind of both
Ruki says:
I agree
steve says:
once it gets controlled by the universities and the whole system it will make it harder for pple like us to do things
steve says:
so id say the sooner ourselves we do it the better!
steve says:
oops i mixed up the words there
steve says:
cuz i added ourselves later but put it in the wrong place lol
steve says:
id love it if u could help me make a course, online or real life or both
Ruki says:
oh btw.. I'm near the end of goleman's book.. he mentioned Nueva school and their Self Science curriculum... and he was talking about what an emotionally intelligent school would be like. it was kind of interesting since I've been thinking about it, and read about what you said about it and such. but do you think that is a good example? or do you think we'd do things way differently?
Ruki says:
what kinds of stuff could I do online?
steve says:
my first thought is because it is from america...
steve says:
lol
steve says:
see what i mean...
steve says:
its too american. even if they have good intentions
steve says:
like david caruso
steve says:
nice smart guy with good intentions but too american, jewish and catholic, and too much university
steve says:
so they still have too many of the beliefs and values i dont support
steve says:
like obedience, patriotism, punishment etc id speculate
steve says:
like they have good ideas but use them to create the kids they want and believe are "good citizens"
steve says:
so they use ei stuff to just do more of what they always were doing.
steve says:
but u can say they do it "better" with ei
steve says:
like training a dolphin better
steve says:
or a horse by not beating it-- ur still using the animal
Ruki says:
you know what is bad... is that, people realize that worshipping a president and indoctrinating children to sing chants for him is bad, right. But people still commit idolatry by worshipping god, or by putting their nation on a pedastal.
Ruki says:
So they try to resist against indoctrination but, they indoctrinate themselves and they themself are indoctrinated
steve says:
yeah
Ruki says:
people think that patriotism is important and being number one is important
steve says:
yeah - competition to get into the university for example
steve says:
im sure the new schools still want high rates of their students getting to "top" universities
steve says:
and of course they want high grades in math and science still
Ruki says:
you know I remember telling my friend... like when I had a section on your page. I told him me getting a page on your website was comparable to a kid getting accepted into a university, like on that level of excitement as compared to other people.
Ruki says:
and no I'm not sucking up
steve says:
lol
steve says:
well its a tad easier to get a page on my site than to get into harvard
steve says:
lol
steve says:
but its a nice thought!
steve says:
and u can suck up all u want
Ruki says:
well yeah, I know
Ruki says:
haha