The defamatory email Rob sent out to other websites

Excerpts from my open letter to Rob Emmerling, April 16, 2005

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I decided to create a new page today to organize my writing about the defamatory emails that Rob sent out. I have talked about this a little in my introduction on the main Emmerling page. Here are also some of my comments from May of 2005. Here is a partial copy of that introduction

Not only do I feel falsely accused, but I now I also feel ignored by Rob. I have made several attempts to discuss what he called his "urgent concerns" without getting a response. I also have many concerns of my own now which Rob seems to have no interest in addressing. And after doing some research on Rob, I believe it is actually more accurate to say that Rob is the one who is posing as something he is not.

I would like Rob to send me a list of his specific concerns about my work and his thoughts on what would help him feel less concerned. One of the central points to the Mayer Salovey original model of emotional intelligence is, after all, thinking about feelings.

I would like to make some restitution for misrepresenting me. In particular I would like him to post a public apology on his website and write directly to all the sites he contacted and apologize for misrepresenting me. And I would like a list of the sites which he says dropped their links to my site so I can write them and show them this page I have created. I'd like to offer a more balanced view than the one Rob presented. And I'd like to ask them to look at Rob a little more closely and think about what his real agenda was in sending out the emails in the first place.

I won't do all of this behind Rob's back though. I have a little more integrity than that. I will let him know what I am doing. And I will invite him to respond. I am not afraid of the truth. But I think Rob is.

I am still waiting for a reply from you. I would have a lot more respect for you if you would write me back directly so we could discuss your concerns.

Could you explain exactly what you mean by "exploiting" and "preying upon"? You leave a lot to the reader's imagination. You seem to be playing upon their fears without telling them exactly what you are afraid of.

I think it would be helpful for everyone, not just me, to know what exactly you are afraid of, or "concerned" about, since you talked about having an "urgent" concern. I am just asking you to be a bit more specific, then I can in turn respond a bit more specifically to your "concerns."

You copied many passages from my personal journals when you wrote to people. Could you go back through them and tell me exactly what you are afraid of in each case? I really am having a hard time figuring out what you are actually afraid of. You left your email open to a lot of interpretation, speculation and conjecture. Maybe you did this intentionally.

What would help you feel better? Would it help you feel better if you could talk to some of the teenagers I correspond with? I think they would be happy to have me give you their email addresses so you could write them directly. If you are interested in this, please let me know.

Would you like to talk to Sarah in Wisconsin, for example? You seem to be concerned about her safety. Have you ever read the link on her? Or have you just jumped to conclusions? She has been cutting since she was 11. I was someone who listened to her, who was there for her when no one else was. Do you really think I have been exploiting her? If so, could you please tell me in what way exactly? I want to help Sarah, Rob, not exploit her. If you really care about someone like Sarah, then I ask you to give me some constructive criticism and some concrete advice on how to do it better. I am open to constructive feedback.

Would you like Kelly's email address in the UK? I think she would probably allow me to share it with you. She tried to kill herself about a week ago. I spend a lot of time trying to help her, mostly just by listening. She has been in and out of the courts and social services offices in the UK, yet they haven't stopped her from wanting to kill herself. Do you think I should stop trying to help her?

Would you also like the email address of Sarah in the UK who has been helping Kelly? She could explain to you how I introduced Kelly and other teens to her so she could help them. She is a very bright 17 year old. I would like her to help me with my work on emotional intelligence, cutting and teen suicide. She wrote this paper.

I don't have anything to hide, Rob. I believe you know that you deliberately mislead people when you selected those passages from my site. If you are really concerned, then let's talk about your concerns more specifically. At this point I suspect your motives are more to protect yourself and Dan Goleman rather than to protect any teens. If my site drops in Google, less people will read my criticisms of you, Dan and the EI Consortium. So that would be in your best interest, true? You are trying to make a living by being a consultant in EI these days, isn't that right? So my criticisms of you could directly affect your credibility and thus your bank account. Am I correct?

Could you write back to the people you wrote to and tell them when you dropped the link to my site? (See May 29, 2001 entry) And then tell them when you wrote to me and asked me if you and Dan could post something on my site? In case your memory fails you, you can read this page on the history of our emails. Could you please write to me and tell me if I have misstated any facts? As it is you seem to be implying again that you dropped the link to my site because you were concerned about me exploiting teens. Here is what I am talking about specifically from your letter:

To me, this implies that you dropped the link because of your concerns about my work with teens. But since you and I both know that this was not your motive at the time, if you are going to be honest, then could you do me a favor and tell me and my site readers specifically why you dropped the link back to my site back in 2001? And why you never replied to my emails when I asked you about it? And then could you explain why in April of 2003 you wrote to me and wanted to ask how you could post an article on my site. Here is part of that email (April 28, 2003) in case you have forgotten:

Could you also tell me who exactly you are referring to when you say that I have "bitterly and viciously launched personal attacks on several people"? I know that I have attacked Dan Goleman, but who else are you referring to? Could you be a little more specific? And you also say I have "included contact information and e-mails from them without their consent." Could you tell me who you are talking about? If you tell me I will be happy to remove their emails and contact information. Let's work together on this. I am asking for your help.

What has that got to do with anything? It seems to me to be an attempt to try to manipulate people by trying to get them to feel agreeable with you. I mean who could argue that the web "has been, and can be, a wonderful tool..."?

And do you really think it is fair to say that you are "simply e-mailing you to request that you review the eqi.org site..."? This reminds me of Heather Drummond saying that she was "just curious." It seems to me you did a lot more than write a simple email. You copied and pasted quite a bit from my personal journals. And you even highlighted things in red. True?

I am feeling pretty ignored. You still haven't written me. You haven't answered any of my questions.

I am feeling so ignored that it is starting to energize me. Maybe you think I am joking around here. But I am not. Maybe you can't tell when I am serious and when I am just messing with you. So let me tell you that I feel quite serious about this right now. I don't intend to sit back and keep feeling ignored. I intend to take some action to try to get a response out of you.

I plan to start sending out emails to people. For example, all the members of the consortium. I think you are a fake. And I resent what you did and how you are ignoring me. You said you had some "urgent concerns." I've got some concerns of my own and you aren't addressing them. Do you really think I am just going to forget about this?

Dec 9, 2005 note - I never wrote to anyone after I sent that email. I shortly after that things got busy in my personal life and I met Laura so I lost a little of my inspiration to pursue this, but now that I have more time on my hands I am picking things up again where I left off. Maybe Rob thought I was going to forget about it, and I can't blame him for thinking that since he hasn't heard from me in a while, but its bothering me again so I am going to try again to get some response from him.

Dec 5, 2005 - What Rob did is still bothering me. After being with Laura for four months I feel more strongly it. At the time Rob sent out his emails I was admittedly very lonely. I don't know if Rob has ever been as lonely as I have been in the past few years. I don't know if he has ever felt suicidal because of his loneliness as I have. And I don't know if he has ever gotten any emotional support from a teenager or has any clue how wonderful and beautiful they can be, or how caring, accepting and understanding they can be. I don't even know if he has any idea how refreshing they can be to talk to, how healthy their honesty and simplicity can be, or how much there is to learn from them.

I don't know if he has ever experienced getting hugs and kisses on the cheek from smiling school children in a foreign country. I don't know if he has ever had them take him by the hand and walk him around the school. I don't know if he has had them climbing up on his back for rides around the school yard. I don' t know if he has ever picked them up and swung them around while they laughed and yelled with delight. I have experienced all of this here in South America.

I suspect Rob hasn't experienced any think like I have, either the loneliness or the happiness I have, because if he had I would imagine he would have shown a little more understanding of my situation and felt a little less judgmental. Actually I would like to introduce him to the teens I talk to, but he hasn't shown any interest in that. That is another reason I don't think he really is concerned about them or even cares anything at all about them. If he cared he could do a lot more to help them. He could use his site to write about them for example, as I do on my site. He could also volunteer a little of his own time to chat with them as Jerren and I do.

After being with Laura, I understand myself better and better understand my own motives for helping the teens. Rob seems to think my interest in helping the teens and even in writing about emotional intelligence on my site is all about sex, but it isn't and never was. He is way off base.

Even when I was with Laura and I wasn't lonely anymore, I still liked helping the teenagers. I still got emotional support from them. When I had frustations with Lauras, the teenagers were there to listen and give me emotional support. When she left, they were there for me again. I really care about the teenagers, they care about me and they care about one another.

Rob's accusations offend me and I will keep trying to bring more truth to light.

I was trying to figure out just how Rob thinks I am using my site to "prey on vulnerable teens". I have been in South America since January of 2004. Rob sent out his defamatory letter in around March of 2005. Before that I was in Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia, and Indonesia. In most of these countries they don't even speak English. So what does Rob think I am doing exactly? Does he think I am writing about emotional intelligence in English to prey on teens that don't speak English? Or did he think I was planning to travel to English speaking countries where my "prey" was to be found? Or did he think I would lure them to Asia or South America somehow? Did he think they would somehow manage to travel even without being legally free to? Or is he worried about 18 and 19 year olds teenagers who are legally free to travel? He never says exactly what he is worried, or "concerned", about.

Let's assume that Rob thought I was going to try to meet some English speaking teen online and then go visit her. What did he think I would do then? What is he "concerned" about? Did he think I would have sex with her and then leave her broken hearted? Did he think I would have sex with her and then kill her? Did he think I would just meet her and kill her? Maybe cut her up into little pieces or something? Or put her body parts into the refrigerator like Jeffery Dahmer or whatever his name was?

And another question for Rob. Does he think it would be better for a teenager to come to South America to help Jerren and I help other teens, or stay in her own country and kill herself? Would he feel better knowing she had committed suicide than if he knew she had come to help us? Or would he rather have her locked up in a mental hospital? Has he talked to many teens who have been locked up in mental hospitals? And would he rather her stay in an invalidating home cutting herself with razor blades than be in a place where she felt cared about and emotionally and physically safe?

Another question. Does he think my idea of having suicidal, self-harming teens meet and talk to each other is a good idea? Would he rather my site be unknown so they never found out about my chat support group? He did his best to make it hard for people to find my site before I created the suicidal teen chat page. I wonder how he really feels now. I doubt I will ever know though. He doesn't strike me as a very emotionally honest person.