pc2a

Main page on cutting

Convo with two teens who cut from Dec 2007.  They don't talk much about cutting here, but they talk a bit about eating problems. 
I don't want to call them "disorders" because i don't believe in the whole disorders  idea

steve says:

hey!

steve says:

un away ur self

Beth says:

hey!!

steve says:

ha ha

steve says:

that was fast

Beth says:

I'm always away

steve says:

ur good at unawaying

steve says:

i just sent u a mail

Beth says:

yeah, I just read it.

steve says:

lets see how smart u really are

steve says:

tell me how far u get before u get stuck!

Beth says:

okay.

steve says:

im gonna unblock Chris so i can talk to her too. she is very demanding so if im slow, thats why

Beth says:

okay.

steve says:

ok hows it coming?

steve says:

too much silence...

Beth says:

sorry.

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

I'm a bad multi-tasker sometimes...

Beth says:

hey, I'll be back in a bit. dinner. humph.

steve says:

k i might be in bed! if so ill ttyl

Beth says:

okay. well, if so, sleep well.

steve says:

did u get front page to open tho?

Beth says:

yeah.

steve says:

and the file to open in it?

Beth says:

sí.

steve says:

ok!

steve says:

u can play with it later then

steve says:

and another day ill help u if u want or need it

steve says:

but its easy.

Beth says:

steve says:

if u want, change something and send it back to me, or make a new one.

Beth says:

okay.

steve says:

anyhow il will let u go

Beth says:

adiós amigo.

steve says:

Beth says:

steve says:

ciao

Beth says:

hey, look, you're still on!

Beth says:

*gasp*

steve says:

yep

Beth says:

where are you that it is so late?

steve says:

what did u do, have one glass of milk?

steve says:

turkey

Beth says:

ah, I see.

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

I eat quickly because I have better things to do.

steve says:

ha ha

steve says:

do u ever talk to chris?

Beth says:

actually, I do not. I haven't been on for quite some time.

steve says:

u want to say hi to her?

steve says:

i havent told her im talking to u!

Beth says:

chris-- I wish I could remember her. I'm terrible.

steve says:

lol

steve says:

her situation is so sad

steve says:

they make her go to this place for a week or two at a time where they totally control her

steve says:

and call it a treatment center

Beth says:

:-[

steve says:

a bat?

Beth says:

haha, sorry. I'm not actually using MSN messenger...

steve says:

so can i tell her im talking to u?

steve says:

she said she doesnt remember u

steve says:

maybe u two havent talked

steve says:

she just turned 15

steve says:

has had ed issues too

Beth says:

I don't know, I remember her name.

Beth says:

I remember talking to her once perhaps.

steve says:

wanna try again?

steve says:

lol

steve says:

im hinting

steve says:

ha ha

Beth says:

sure, yeah.

steve says:

id appreciate it if u did

steve says:

let me see if i can invite her

Beth says:

okay.

Chris- has been added to the conversation.

steve says:

u there smart ass?

steve says:

i mean chris not beth

Chris - says:

haha

steve says:

lol

steve says:

its hard to distinguish

steve says:

i guess she is!

Beth says:

haha, I recognize your e-mail address Chris.

steve says:

ok Chris tell Beth what ur "treatment center" is like

Chris - says:

hell.

steve says:

and about ur eating disorder stuff

Chris - says:

ED=shit.

steve says:

Beth kind of went thru that also

Chris - says:

ED= fucked up doctors

steve says:

watch ur mouth. beth is a good girl

Chris - says:

sorry.

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

hey, I take no offense to it.

Beth says:

I just... don't use it.

steve says:

do uever swear Beth??

Beth says:

no.

steve says:

why the hell not

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

it doesn't come naturally to me.

Chris - says:

never did to me either... lol.. I learned it.

Chris says:

steve says:

lol

steve says:

ok anyhow i will let u two talk. im gonna go downstairs for a bit ok?

Beth says:

okay, have fun.

Chris - says:

yup, sure.

steve says:

k brb

steve says:

hug and cb

Beth says:

what kind of ED do you have?

Chris - says:

doctors told me i have both.

Chris - says:

i dont know how that is possible

Beth says:

bulimia and anorexia?

Chris - says:

i just got diagnosed today.

Chris - says:

yes

Beth says:

oh, sounds like you have some smart doctors.

Chris - says:

i know

Chris - says:

veryyy smart.

Beth says:

I believe there is an actual name for it...

Chris - says:

i dont know the name

Beth says:

me neither!

Beth says:

why did they say it was both? what do you do?

Chris - says:

i dont eat.. and the times i do to make it less obvious i make myself sick.

Beth says:

then that is only anorexia nervosa.

Beth - says:

well i think the whole make myself sick thing they are generalizing as bumilia as well.

Chris - says:

meh.

Chris - says:

i dont know.

Beth says:

yeah, that's what I got as well.

Chris - says:

*hug*

Beth says:

oh, I'm sorry. that was misleading. I am ED free now. That was how I was interpreting, I mean.

Beth says:

I was anorexic for awhile, but for the majority of the time, I was bulimic

Chris - says:

oh... well.. *hug* anyway.

Chris - says:

that must of been hard.

Beth says:

*shrugs*

Beth says:

do you know why you do it?

Chris - says:

control, hate the way i look, not hungry.

Beth says:

do other people control your life?

Chris - says:

yes.

Chris - says:

they control everything.

Chris - says:

i dont even get to choose what i want to eat for dinner.

Chris - says:

like they make a meal at the treatment center and i have to eat what they make

Chris - says:

or just refuse to eat.

Beth says:

oh sheesh.

Chris - says:

yea.

Chris - says:

its really tough.

Beth says:

is that supposed to help you get better?

Chris - says:

supposidly.

Chris - says:

hey, by the way, how old are you and where are you from?

Beth says:

I am 16 and live in ____.

Chris - says:

nice

Chris - says:

I'm 15 and live in _____

Beth says:

Chris the _____. I think I can remember that.

Chris - says:

lol

steve says:

try Chris the smart ass

Chris - says:

shut it.

Beth says:

*rolls eyes*

steve says:

oh im back

Chris - says:

relaly

Chris - says:

8-)

steve says:

ha ha

Chris - says:

really*

steve says:

i was just reading a bit

steve says:

learning about teens and their feelings and stomachs

Beth says:

interesting...

Chris - says:

very

Chris - says:

lol

Chris - says:

*nudges Beth and rolls her eyes at steve*

Beth says:

*laughs*

Chris - says:

*whispers to Beth * "steve sucks"

steve says:

lol

steve says:

ur not a good whisperer

Chris - says:

hehe

Beth says:

don't you love the internet?

steve says:

lol

steve says:

Beth can u tell Chris about what u wrote me about

steve says:

and i dont mean Dave

steve says:

or is it ok if she asks?

steve says:

i told her to ask u and shes not being very obedient

steve says:

shes not complying

Beth says:

go her!

steve says:

or cooperating

Chris - says:

i don't want to be rude.

Beth says:

I mean...

steve says:

so i guess i need to taser her

Chris - says:

yea

Chris - says:

taser me to death.

Beth says:

*rolls eyes*

Chris - says:

that poor guy from Poland.

steve says:

yeah

steve says:

and the student in florida

steve says:

at the kerry speech

steve says:

he didnt die but it was so fucked up

Chris - says:

its messed up.

Chris - says:

really.

Beth says:

amen.

steve says:

he will be traumatized psychologically for life

Chris - says:

lol

Chris - says:

nice touch Beth.

Chris - says:

steve says:

shes very religious

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

*sighs*

Chris - says:

so?

Chris - says:

i used to be.

steve says:

i taught her to respect islam

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

you did?

Chris - says:

yuo

Chris - says:

yup*

steve says:

wasnt that it?

Chris - says:

went to a catholic school and everything

steve says:

and love allah

Beth says:

I really don't want to get into that...

Chris - says:

ouch

Chris - says:

fuck

steve says:

u two should convert to islam

Chris - says:

fire alarms going off

Chris - says:

lol

steve says:

ok sorry Beth

steve says:

i couldnt resist saying something tho now could i?

Chris - says:

aw sorry i was off topic there.

steve says:

and stop smoking Chris and the alarm wont go off

Chris - says:

sorry:%

Chris - says:

haha did i tell u i started smoking?

Chris - says:

its pretty funny

steve says:

then why arent i laughing

Chris - says:

today i went outside with my mom because we were leaving the school.. and my mom started smoking and i kept tryig to grab the cig from my mom

steve says:

why do we say in engish i am but then why arent i

Chris - says:

she got pretty pissed off.

steve says:

and not why am'nt i?

Chris - says:

who knows

Chris - says:

english is a messed up language

steve says:

who got pissed off?

Chris - says:

mom

steve says:

oh!

steve says:

i was afraid u meant Beth!

Beth says:

"why aren't I" is not grammatically correct...

Chris - says:

nooo

steve says:

what is it then?

steve says:

why isnt i?

Beth says:

why am I not.

Chris - says:

yea

steve says:

what????

Chris - says:

i was about to answer

Chris - says:

why am i not pissed off

steve says:

why am i not laughing?

Chris - says:

that is it

Beth says:

sí.

Chris - says:

hehe

steve says:

that sounds like my grandmother

Chris - says:

thats english for u

Beth says:

I heart English.

steve says:

how about why aint i?

Beth says:

y español.

Chris - says:

my fav subject.

steve says:

u heart english?

steve says:

u love it?

Beth says:

*nods*

steve says:

u hurt it?

Chris - says:

yay

steve says:

u hate it?

Chris - says:

i love it too.

steve says:

u heat it?

steve says:

u hear it?

Beth says:

the English langauge fascinates me, and I just love the class.

steve says:

u heard it?

Chris - says:

i love writing.

steve says:

it cant be u heart it

Beth says:

someone is not up on their internet terms.

steve says:

that makes NO sense

Chris - says:

steve.. jesus

Chris - says:

lol

Chris - says:

i love reading

steve says:

stop talkingn about religion Chris

Chris - says:

and thats english for u

steve says:

im a muslim

Beth says:

*sighs*

Chris - says:

*rolls eyes*

steve says:

lol

steve says:

im thinking of converting

steve says:

realy

steve says:

i like veils

Chris - says:

i can tell me and Beth are going to get along really well.

Beth says:

steve says:

Beth and i

Chris - says:

shut it

steve says:

jesus

Chris - says:

im sorry

Beth says:

*walks away and waits for steve to stop talking about religion*

steve says:

i mean allah

steve says:

lol

Chris - says:

i fucked up.

steve says:

Chris started it

Chris - says:

im so sorry

Chris - says:

lol.

steve says:

shes not

Chris - says:

i think i'm going to fall asleep now.

steve says:

lol

steve says:

anyhow....

Chris - says:

literally

Chris - says:

i'm so drained

Beth says:

what was it that we were talking about?

steve says:

so can we talk about the c word Beth?

Chris - says:

am i supposed to know what the c word is

steve says:

Beth says:

you're going to have to be more specific. My memory... well... is terrible.

steve says:

u said u were doing it a lot lately

Chris - says:

ill say it if you'd like steve

Beth says: Beth

Beth says:

cutting.

steve says:

Beth says:

gotchya.

steve says:

do u have an idea why uve been doing it more lately?

steve says:

n does anyone know? even Dave?

Beth says:

I've been feeling like crap lately. I've been going up and down.. a lot.

steve says:

Dave is her bf..

steve says:

like crap how...?

Beth says:

I told Dave when I started up again. He got me to throw my "instrument" away...

Beth says:

just really low, tearing myself down all the time.

Beth says:

I lose all of the energy I had in a single moment.

steve says:

how did u feel about him getting u to throw it away?

steve says:

and what was it?

Beth says:

it was a piece of glass.

steve says:

and how are u doing it now again if u are

Beth says:

I actually got him to throw it away for me. I wasn't strong enough to do it.

Beth says:

I got a razor blade.

steve says:

Chris - says:

thats pretty brave Beth

steve says:

u gonna tell him?

Beth says:

I want to, but yet I don't.

steve says:

Chris how do u feel when pple tell u to stop cutting

Beth says:

I don't want to disappoint him.

steve says:

or try to make u stop

Chris - says:

steve says:

seems like that would put pressure on u Beth r

steve says:

and make u feel worse about urself when u do it

Beth says:

hmm... I'm disappointing him by not... telling him how I feel. I told him I would call him when I was feeling like that.

Beth says:

he's always been there for me..

steve says:

Beth says:

especially through my ED.

steve says:

yeah

Beth says:

It's hard though.. to call him. because I can't.. give answers.

Beth says:

I just become the way I am.

steve says:

how does a typical convo go?

Beth says:

on the phone? there's a lot of silence.

steve says:

hmm

Beth says:

I'm really terrible with conversations.

steve says:

yeah ive been that way

steve says:

still am sometimes

Beth says:

it's really rare to have.. an ongoing conversation with me at any time.

steve says:

the other day cara asked me how i was feeling cuz i was so quiet and all i could say was "unable to talk"

steve says:

i was proud of myself for even getting that out

Beth says:

*nods*

Beth says:

oh yeah, I know how that goes.

steve says:

i used to just not be able to talk

steve says:

id want to, id have thoughts but no mouth action

Beth says:

imprisoned with your thoughts.

steve says:

yeah

steve says:

u there Chris?

Chris - says:

yes.

steve says:

u been reading?

Chris - says:

just reading

Chris - says:

yea

steve says:

Chris - says:

lol

steve says:

do u get that way sometimes?

Chris - says:

im following along

steve says:

unable to speak

Chris - says:

all the time.

steve says:

hug

Chris - says:

hug

Chris - says:

oh for fucks sake.. my mother wants me to eat a fruit smotthie infront of her

steve says:

lol

steve says:

id hate that

Chris - says:

and she just told me i have to sit in my room for half an hour.. not to go to the bathroom.

Beth says:

I'm sorry. my mom made me eat breakfast in front of her for awhile...

steve says:

not the smoothie

steve says:

i like them

steve says:

wow

Chris - says:

i want to cry.

steve says:

hug

Chris - says:

i hate when people try controlling me

Chris - says:

i hate it.

Beth says:

Chris - says:

honestly.. i've been controlled for over 3 years now

Chris - says:

i can't take it anymore.

steve says:

hug

Beth says:

cb to the max.

Chris - says:

aw, thanks guys.

Chris - says:

just kinda venting.

steve says:

Beth is a girl

Chris - says:

sowwi.

steve says:

just so u know

Chris - says:

thanks for that info.

steve says:

lol

Chris - says:

i didn't know that.

Beth says:

*rolls eyes*

steve says:

Chris - says:

8-)

steve says:

smart ass

steve says:

i know u did

Chris - says:

actually

Chris - says:

my ass is pretty dumb

steve says:

ok, ill correct myself

steve says:

dumb ass

Chris - says:

thats better

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

STEVE! *is horrified*

Beth says:

steve says:

lol

Chris - says:

its okay Beth

Chris - says:

ill take the abusiveness from him

steve says:

uve just been out of the loop for a while Beth!

Chris - says:

lol

steve says:

im being nice tonight!

Chris - says:

ohyea

Beth says:

that's... nice.

Chris - says:

this is a GOOD night

steve says:

lol

steve says:

i love Chris

Chris - says:

you should see him on his horrfic nights

Chris - says:

lmao

steve says:

we always abuse those who we love

Chris - says:

pretty funny

Chris - says:

every other word is a swear word

steve says:

shut up Chris!

Chris - says:

sometimes a whole sentence would be swearing

Beth says:

interesting...

steve says:

lol

Chris - says:

fuck the god damn fucking fucked up world

Chris - says:

lol

steve says:

dont egg her on Beth

steve says:

lol

Beth says:

sounds like... a delightufl conversation, filled with love and hope!

steve says:

lol

Chris - says:

it is

steve says:

dont forget inspiration

Chris - says:

very inspirational

steve says:

lma

steve says:

off

steve says:

oops

Chris - says:

laughing ur ass

Chris - says:

wow

Chris - says:

never heard that before

steve says:

seei laughed it right off

Chris - says:

lol

steve says:

it fell to the next line

Beth says:

you have one?

Chris - says:

thats pretty sad actually.

steve says:

lol

steve says:

ok so anyhow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris - says:

yummy

steve says:

Beth what would u say to Dave if u could talk when there is so much silence? or what would u write to someone else?

Chris - says:

dinner8-)

Chris - says:

i gotta go eat... lovely.

Chris - says:

ill be back.

steve says:

Beth says:

okay.

Chris - says:

*cb to u both*

Beth says:

steve says:

i know u saw my question...

Beth says:

yeah... I'm working on it.

steve says:

Beth says:

it's not that I can't talk, it's just I don't know what to say. Most of the time I don't know why I am so low. It just hits me and I sink. The last four days or so have been really hard. I've been... really, really low.

Beth says:

and for a moment I'll be okay and then the next... I'll be tearing myself down, not that I don't deserve that.

Beth says:

I honestly do.

steve says:

like what do u say about urself?

Beth says:

well, I think about how stupid I am, how bad of a friend I am, how I'm not close to any of my friends, how messed up I have become, how much I have failed, how I've hurt Dave, how I've hurt my family, how bad my writing has become. I wrote Dave a note just listing all of the things I was sorry for. That was the worst day of them all.

steve says:

Beth says:

Physical appearance is a fun one too.

steve says:

could i see a copy of the note u wrote him?

Beth says:

and then I get like this, and I feel so bad about it.

Beth says:

I'm sorry, I actually don't have it. Hand-written.

steve says:

is there anything u like about urself?

steve says:

like the fact ur from a great state?

Beth has left the conversation.

steve says:

did i say something wrong?

steve says:

u there?