Nov 29 2016  
What is emotional support?

I have written that I get energy from emotional support.

I have also noticed that I feel empty and unsupported when I write something and I get no reaction. No comments.

For example when I wrote in the Brazil FB group about my act of civil disobedience. And when I wrote about running and depression.

I need you to..
Need, hate
Rado afraid I will hate him

How do you feel when I don't obey you?
How do you feel when I don't do what you tell me I need to do?


Rado needs some caring, understanding, acceptance, reassurance, security, friendship, respect, empathy

I can offer him some.

I can offer....
Not give. I can put it in front of him. Like putting some money on the table in front of him. But what if he is unable to accept the money?

What if there is some inner voice that says "You don't deserve that money"?

Or what if there is some inner voice that says "It is a trick. He is not offering it because he cares about you. He wants something from you. He will use you. Don't take it. If you don't take it, if you don't accept it, you will not let yourself be used. You know how much it feels to be used. No one has ever really cared about you and your needs. Everyone in your life has been using you to try to fill some of their unmet needs. Sometimes they have used you to meet their needs to feel powerful, so they hit you, sometimes they ordered you around, told you what to do and what not to do. Sometimes they used you to fill their sexual needs and they did not respect you and care about your feeliongs or your needs. Sometimes, most often, they have used you to fill some of their emotional needs. To feel superior, or intelligent, or loved, or appreciated, or respected, or understood or in control.

So don't accept that money. If you don't accept it you won't get dependent upon it. You need independence. You know you are too dependent on other people. You always get in co-dependent relationships. So don't ask people for money or anything else you need. Tell yourself that you can be happy alone. Just repeat what you have read and heard people say. They look happy and succesful. Don't think about your needs at all even. Just think about being happy and successful. You know what it means to be happy and successful. All the advertisements and media show you the happy people, smiling and jumping and jogging in their special jogging clothes. Remember that if you are successful you can buy lots of special clothes for special occasions. Special clothes for riding a bike. Special clothes for going to yoga. Special clothes for doing karate. You have to do things like yoga and karate or aikido or some new trendy sport to be happy and successful and to fit in with the group. You need to fit in with some group. But don't tell yourself "I need to fit into some group." Don't tell yourself "I need to feel accepted by other humans." No, don't tell yourself that, because then you wojld b thinking about your own needs. And you know that is selfish.

haha I laugh now. I hope you also see how god damn fucking stupid and fucked up the system is that you were raised in. The system has almost kiled you. But forgunately for you and unfortunatel for those who want to use and control you, you found haha

Ok this is enough of my little stream of consciousness writing that was so scary to Jane Stevens haha Poor Jane. She is so deep into the system. She wants to keep everyone in the system. She really believe in it. And she works so hard to "help" anyone who is suffering and "failing". She works to get them back in the system.

So I wanted to say that all of this writing today is for Radovan. I dedicate it to him. He needs to feel important to someone, cared about by someone. And I have the honor, we might say, of being the person who can help, at least a little.

I know that we are talking about a human life. Not just any human. But someone who has been reading my writing for several years now. who has shared his life with me, his inner, most intimate emotional life with me.

I have had a longer "relationship" with Radovan than I had with any female that comes to mind. I think it is longer than the amount of time I was with Priscilla. Or about the same now. I remember Priscilla and I having a skype chat with Radovan in 2013. But I am not sure when he first wrote. P and I were in the old warehouse in La Paz. We were in her room. Her cage. I feel bad, guilty sad when I think of her trying to live there with me. While I was outside with my water projects or something. I feel very bad. Very sad. I wish I had not needed them so much. Priscilla followed me around, around th world, literally.... In New Zealand she said "I don't want to go go anymore countries with you...."

In Montevideo she said "What if separated for a significant amount of time?"

In New Zealand she also said "I guess I will just go." She had packed her backpack and was ready to leave....

I felt so suicidal. I asked her to kill me first before she left.

I would have let her kill me I think. Truly. It was in the same place where she started her picture, her painting. I don't know if she did that on purpose. I never asked her why she chose that painting to work on. If she wanted to remember that night.

It is the painting with all the leaves and branches. We were hiding in the woods so we could came for free and wouldn't get caught. I had been yelling at her not to shine her flashlight or make noise or something. Maybe she really thought she was a burden and I wo9uld be better without her. I don't think I asked her why she had packed her bags.

I feel kind of sick now thinking of it all again. We never really talked about it. Like so many things. We didn't talk about our feelings and our needs. We were starting to talk about our needs more when Angela appeared on the scene, as they say.

But now I feel guilty for not writing about Radovan or writing about his needs.

I am scared of dying now. Dying before many people have come to the realizations and awareness that I have.

I know so much. I have learned so much. And so much of it stays inside me. That is why I write so much. And why I cry so much.

And why I will show this to Radovan, it is partly for my needs. Or maybe everything all of us ever do is about our needs. It makes sense to me. Even when I help someone I do it to fill a need of mine.

I am feeling frustrated now. A little violent.

Yeah definitely violent. I think of throwing my laptop against the wall. Maybe it is my need to feel powerful. I feel so powerless. To stop the killing, the damage to the earth, the suicides. So powerless to change what is happening in the USA. Standing Rock. Cenk Uygur. I would like to talk to him. Spend time with him. Share all I know with him. He is a bit like a Mauri fighter. Ayer I saw him reading something and having people around him repeat it. haha. He looked so much like a Mauri. He is very competitive. Aggressive. I am kind of surprised he did not physically hit Alex Jones. Alex was provoking him and it worked.

Cenk did not remain conscious that there is a space between stimulus and response. And in that space lies his power to ... something. I forget the quote. haha. It is a nice one...

I will look for it now.

Here is one thing I found but I don't think it is just what I was looking for...

The key to being proactive is remembering that between stimulus and response there is a space. That space represents our choice— how we will choose to respond to any given situation, person, thought or event. Imagine a pause button between stimulus and response—a button you can engage to pause and think about what is the principle-based response to your given situation. Listen to what your conscience tells you. Listen for what is wise and the principle-based thing to do, and then act.

Now I found this

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl

And I feel hostile towards Covey. I think the first time he quoted Frankl, or at least gave him credit. but on the page I just found, he doesn't so I think he is a ______

Then I remember not to use the verb to be... Good advice - more good, practical advice from the gury Rosenberg.

So how do I feel and what do I need?

I feel____ when I realize covey did not give Frankl credit. and I need___

yeah so now fill in the blanks

i have been "practicing" this for a while and its still not easy...

and I don't feel very motivated to stop my wonderful soc writing and try to figure out.

but i will, for radovan haha.

i laugh because it sounds like something my mother would say. she wanted her kids to feel appreciative. wait, she wanted, wait, she needed to feel appreciated....

so she would tell all the sacrifices she made for and blah blah blah

but in a way i think i am serious or at least i am truly thinking of radovan - as someone who i can ....use? no i dont believe i am using him, not much anyhow, cuz we are both getting some benefit.

we have a kind of fragile relationship and he is aware of that. i am not in love with him, he is not my own child. we have never even met. about 2 years ago or 3 i stopped talking to him. he is afraid i could do it again.
he is almost terrfied at times i think. of abandonment. i know that feeling...

and i silently cry a little. with my nose starting to sting and my stomach throbbing or something. and my eyes getting a little watery.

i want to take a gun and shot it. but not at me. at those people... those people who attack me. i can envision it now. someone bursting the door open and trying to shoot me, so i shoot them first. and then more come and they come to the window and i am surrounded. but like a video game somehow i manage to kill them all and their bullets dont hit me. magically.

i have a machine gun and i keep shooting at them and i start to enjoy it. i want to kill more people now. even ones walking on the street. not bothering me. if i kiill everyone no one else can every hurt me again. reject me. laugh at me. talk about me. tell me what i need to and have to do. fuck them. let them all die


i have not found one intelligent, sensitive person in this city yet. well maybe. maybe the english teacher. she was pretty interesting. marina. she opened up to me.

so my friend jb wrote.. let's see what he has to say.

i have disturbed him i am pretty sure haha... he has not beek keeping up with the changes i have been going thru. we have literally not talked for like 20 years. a lot has changed for me since then. my beliefs, my awareness. my writing. he finally found my writing i guess. my websites. he was spelling my name wrong or something when he looked for me before. so i said spell it like this and then he didnt write back haha for like 4 days or something. so now he has written back.. i feel a bit scared to read it. scared he will lecture me, not accept me, not admire me, not value what i have been writing about. scared he will say something like it is not healthy for him to be in touch with me or read my writing - he literally had some cancer and needs to take it easy, rest to keep healing -- his wife tells him to calm down etc. they believe i god - at least he does. i am pretty sure she would too. she is kind of a simple woman. a nice woman but kind of simple. i think he had a lincoln continental for a while to try to impress her or other girls. it worked. she married him haha.

and they have stayed together.

something i have been unable to do.

they have lots of kids. and even grandkids maybe.

while i have been traveling arou0nd the world, thinking of killing myself, being depressed, suicidal, being abandoned, by one girl after another.


Feeling important or unimportant

Here is something I wrote to rado when he said he felt bad for not writing more. and i had written back cb
i thought about it and wrote again, saying this

i just wrote less haha


i feel a tiny little bit bad too. because i believe that when a person writes a lot it often means i am important to them. for example when p stopped writing me a lot.

or she would write like soulriser does

in other words she would just take my email and then write in between the lines of my email. with a short, line by lind of response.

like this

> so i am feeling suicidal and i am planning to kill myself tonight. and then a lot of
> xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

> x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

> osadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

then she would insert:

hug. im sorry you are feeling suicidal.

then i write a lot more...

> i have decided it is better to kill myself now....
> xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

> x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

> osadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd then p or sr would put something short again like

the she or sr writes:


then i write more....

> xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

> x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd x xosadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

> osadlj sldjf lsdjf lsdkj flsdjlsdj flsdj lj l sld las;jdlsd

but she doesnt even sign off. she just hits send after the last short thing she wrote. very business like and impersonal.

u know?

i feel pretty sad to think of this. it was one of the last times priscilla wrote to me. in december of 2014. i think it was so painful, combined with how she said "your condon in indianapolis" when my condos are in fort wayne, where i was born.. she got mixed up cuz my sister lives in indianapolis where angela stayed, using my sister, for like a month, and where my mother had a house that p and angela were hoping to be able to stay in i think.

anyhow thats all for now

thanks for reading..

oh i forgot to say i dont feel very bad for not writing more because i know i need to take care of my needs. and my need at that moment was to save my energy or put it into whatever else i was doing at the time i wrote "cb"

I just wrote to RSA animate

hi friends

thanks for what you do

i watch a lot of your vids. very well done. :)

today i think i saw a small mistake in one.

at about 9:49

I am pretty sure she said powerlessness but he wrote perilousness.

at 10:05 she says "we do have str... we do have power"

so this supports my hunch that she was talking about powerlessness.

anyhow, thanks again

this video was really well done. i saw her original talk, or the video of it, but your animation makes it more powerful.

super well done.