Home |


Core Components of EQI.org

Respect | Empathy
Caring | Listening

Other EQI.org Topics:

Emotional Literacy
Invalidation | Hugs
Emotional Abuse |
Feeling Words
Depression | Education
Emotional Intelligence
Parenting | Personal Growth

Search EQI.org | Support EQI.org

EQI.org Library and Bookstore

Nov 23

Learned about Standing Rock, Shailene Woodley (see Standing Rock page)

Watched Snowden vid then learned about Phil Zimmerman

now it is 8:30 AM got email From Radovan Hi Steve, I was thinking of you yesterday. I wanted to ask you for help or advice, but I feel also bad about that. I feel curious about you. r === I wonder what will happen in his lifetime. He may live 30 years longer than me. A whole lot can happen before he dies. He may have children. Some friends of mine do have children or even grandchildren. I know a lot more people will die, be killed, and kill themselvces. I know the situation is going to get worse before it gets better. I know most people are not yet aware of how bad things are. How much they are being lied to, used, manipulated, domesticated. I feel a renewed sense of commitment to do what I can to raise awareness, to inform, educate before I die. I know at least a few people fodo read my site. And read things I write elsewhere. That helps me stay motivated. I am pretty impressed with Cenk Uygur who started TYT - The Young Turks video news youtube channel. He is an athiest, is getting more critical, more skeptical more outspoken and seems to be getting more followers, having more influence. I feel encouraged by tha. I feel encouraged by what Shailene Woodley is doing. I have been crying a lot already today. My amygdala, Amy, is so sensitive now. She sends tears a lot. It is ok. I know it is healthy to cry. It lets the pain out. Let's the toxic chemicals out. Anyhow I will keep working on this page. I will send this to Rado. And tell him I feel open to hearing his question. and I will send him cbs. Now I will try to find the link for cbs...

12 noon - I have updated the top ten needs list to separate children/teens and adults

4 pm slept for a while - been watching a lot of videos

Glrn Beck talks about Federal Reserve Bank and G. Edward Griffin, author of "The Creature from Jekyll Island."

Nov 26 - Met some university students from the USA. I listened to them for a while. I was trying to decide if I wanted to try to talk to them, to warn them of some things, to share some of my experiences. Eventually I decided to talk to one, then the others, kind of one by one, then eventually I talked to all of them. I talked about some of my views of the USA. I talked about education, Couchsurfing, emotional needs. It was a pretty intresting talk. I was telling them I think Couchsurfing is safer than most homes and I told them about how I asked some students in Brazil how many had been hit at lealst once by their parents and everyone but one raised their hand. So I asked the university students how many had been hit. Some said they had been hit some said they had never been hit. One has been seeing a counselor/therapist who recommended mindfulness meditation. Two of the guys had tried it. The guy who had been seeing a counselor said he has thought of killing himself but not real seriously. He said he had thoughts of letting his car drive off the road or into a tree or something. He played football in highschool (I assume it was high school). We talkd about what abuse is. Whether it is abuse to hit a child once, even if you don't traumatize the child. I told them I think the USA is like a cancer in the world now and asked them how they felt to hear me say that. They didn't seem to feel very defensive. So that was encouraging. One asid something like "I feel like...." Then I pointed out that she didnt't actuallu say a feeling and we talked about that. haha. It was intresting. I am pretty sure they never met anyone like me. This is something I am finding over and over.

I asked how many had heard of Noam Chomsky. Only one had. The one who had thought of suicide. One was from Albania, or her parents are from there. I will say her name. Alexandra. I found her pretty intresting. She has a big need to talk. haha. And she wears a lot of jewelry. I was writing about jewlerly in one of my fb accounts earler today. And about attendance. The one who has thought of suicide, I will call him Dave, had been talking about how you have to go to classes even if they are boring, depending on the profesor at uni - or I think that is what I was saying. One was born in Belgkum and lived in France so she spoke French. So I got to practice my French just a little.

Now they are out dancing and drinking. Then they will get up in time for breakfast by ten and check out at 11. Or that is what they plan. They said they didn't have enough money to pay for breakfast and then miss it. But they have enough money to go drinking. So what is my need? How do I feel? It is hard for me to quickly say. It is much easier to write without answring those questions. Like a reporter. Maybe a somewhat biased reporter. I report what is of interest to me. What I feel a need to report on. So what is my need? Alexandra said one of her needs was equality when she had the thought "Trump is an idiot." She seemed to catch on to the idea of needs. I think they all did actually, to one degree or another.

I got another letter from Loo, btw. Hi to her if she is reading....

She caled me a "fucking hypocrite" last week. I laugh a little.

It would be interesting to talk to her again. Evidently she lied to me about her age when we first talked about ten years ago.

I felt pretty discouraged, disillusioned to hear that when she told me. She was judging me without remembering she lied to me. It i stil hard to believe she lied. I had no idea, truly no idea. If she was only 14 or 15 I feel very sad. So sad my eyes start to water. She is a mother now. Apparently has children from two different guys. It would be interesting to know what has happened to all the people I used to talk to. Sarah, Nicole, Ocean, Bill, they guy in Montana. I think Sarah turned him against me, as she did to Nicole. Or so I think. Then there is Steff in the UK. eqi.org/sepww.htm if you want to read about her and haven't ever. She was really interesting. Really, really messed up. Well I guess I can say that about all the teens who were in so much emotional pain they were cutting themselves at 14 to 17 years old.

Well I will check my mail now. Yesterday I talked to a recovering Catholic teen, or I hope she will start her recovery. I think she has started it by finding EQI and by talking to me. :)

hug to her. She needs lots of hugs. She took the mom test and only said no to about 10 questions. I am thinking of giving the mom test away for free. I feel guilty keeping it to myself and charging people to take the full test. Actually I don't charge teens.

I might create a "university student test" haha to see what they have not learned. I was pretty surprised they hadn't heard of Chomsky. Dave said something lke he is a liberal something or other. But I am not sure he has ever watched one of Chomsky's videos.

None of them had heard of TYT - the young turks. None said they were atheists. Only Alexandria said she wasn't sure. I feel surpried and a bit scared by that.

Did I say that I asked them if anyone at school had ever asked if they had ever been hit? I don't think I did. They all said no except for one I think.

I also asked if they had ever been taught anything about the connection between their feelings and emotional needs. Also no. So maybe I will show them my story about a "good education."

Maybe I will do something more with that... It is a nice thought to think of lots of university students and lots of high school students seeing my writing and questions. I feel a little encouraged actually cuz they listened for a while. And Alexcandra, especially seemed interested in talking more. I told her if she wanted to find my writing, which I was very hesitant to show them, she could search Hein abusive mothers. I tried it and my writing or a reference to me weree the top 4 results at least, even here in Uruguay on the hostel computer. They are all more messed up than they have any idea of. haha. It must be very strange to meet someone like me. Yeah, I really have a lot to teach or share with people. I was starting to tell Dave how I believed you could raise a child without threats or punishment. He seemed to be absorbing it. But also seemed to feel a bit ... idk.. resistant? Maybe he has oppositional definace disorder haha. It would be pretty fulfilling to show them my alternative education class page and have them say thanks some day. I know I can change the course of people's lives. Not so much me, but the information I can offer them. Like a box of treasuers. It is not the box that is important. But what is inside. So I guess that is why I don't like gurus. They want us to focus too much on the box.

I told them about Marshall Rosenberg and how he is too much like a guru. But I said he has convinced me of the importance of talking about needs. And I agree, your whole world will change when you start looking at needs. I mentioned to Dave at least the idea of rights being like permissions. He seemed to get that. I got it from Priscila. I told them a bit about her. How she had had a rope around her neck and stood on a toliet thinking of jumping off at around 16; Then she found my site. The rest is history, as they say. Hug to her if she reads this. Quiet Priscilla with so much to say. I told them about Ocean, indirectly when I said I have met teens whose parents say "My son doesn't tlak to me" and I say, "Intersting, cuz when I am with them they won't stop talking" I wonder why that is. I had a nickname for Ocean. I am not sure if I wrote this on her page. I caled her my little chatterbox when I met her in Europe. Whe she was finally out of teen prison. You can google hein teen prison haha I'm not motivated to find the link. Well maybe I wil.. ok it is eqi.org/tp.htm

Oh yeah I also asked Dave and I think someone else was listening, if he had heard of "I was hit and I turned out ok". Of course he had heard of it. So I might ask, how ok? 100 perecnt ok? Did you achieve your true potential, *your* potential, or what your parents or society influenced you to achieve?

Nov 26 Alexandra and I had a very nice, long talk in the morning.

I told her about the conflict I had with Raquel in the hostel here. She was a good listener and agreed with me.

Here are some notes I made

global liberal studies.
student of the year her senior year
"i have a soft spot for teachers" --had teachers at her graduation party

"most of my papers in school are about women having the right to an education"

Nov 27 - I am crying a little now. Morgan just came onl8ne. I feel pretty safe talking to Morgan. I am gonna ask him to send me a hug.

First I wrote "Hi M.
Then I waited for his reply.
He said Hello.
Now I take a deep breath - spontaneously, not planned//intentionally, and then a big exhale.
Ok so... I wrote can u send me a hug please?
he wrote

of course

I will show him this now. I have to post it first. or upload it since it is a file transfer, not a post to an online blog...


We all need a safe place. Morgan is one of my safe places. We talk on skype. Now and then. I raelize how how important he is to me. He has been around for a few years. He is a link to Priscilla. I don't know if he has talked to her.

Now I cry harder. Silent crying from the stomach. Then tears.

It --- huts --- so--- much

to lose ............pri.... scill...a

i wonder now if she would have left me if she knew how much pain it would cause me.

i dont think i would have done what i did if i knew it would cost me priscilla. i thought i could manage them both. i thought things would work out. that we could all talk about our feelings, and our needs. and we would all care about each other.

i was naive i guess. i underestmaated how fucked up and desperate and needy and manipulative/intelligent angela was.

how ruthless she could be to save her own life. how needy priscilla was.

i feel punished. punished by priscilla not talking to me but yet it would be painful to get a letter from her now. just an email. or just a chat. i feel a need for much more than that. i feel a need for a real hug. a real conversation.

almost no emotional support this morning. a lot of pain yesterday. the honestl conflict over washing the stupid fucking pots. the social isolation. the disrespect, the devalueing, degrading. the abuse. lack of empathy. lack of caring. lack of listening. lack of understanding. only felt understood, empathized with by alexandra. then she went to the beach. didnt show any interest in takling more. it was nice for those few minutes when we were there relatively alone, talking about serious things. then the others starting showing up.

alexandra is much more aware than i thought. she realizes she says "like" a lot when she talks to certain people. she wasn't do that with me. I pointed it out to her and she quickly ackowledged it. I could have talked to her for a lot longer. I would have changed my plans to spend more time with her. That is one way you know you are important to someone - if they are willig to change their plans for you.

I have not heard from her yet. I don't think I actually got her email address. She did google Hein, abuse and she found my website. She said she would read what I wrote about her. Maybe she did. Idk. I guess it is not that easy to find my contact info. so I will put it here. http://eqi.org/contact.htm

It would be nice to hear from her. I heard once from Leslie - she was very interesting to talk to, also. But we will quickly forget each other, or be occupied with other things to do. I feel discouraged by that. At the same time I feel a bit encouraged that two people like Lesle and Alexandta found me interesting to talk to, at least for a while. So did Lotte for a while. haha

And Stefan from Germany, From the hostel in Montevideo.

I just realized that Morgan is not needy - at least not to me or from me. He doesn't end me a million messages like Cara for example. Or make me feel guilty if I don't answer quickly like some teens have done. He doesn't write me desperate sounding kinds of email, and doesnt say "help me" like angela did. I think he would have been a good friend to Priscilla. I feel sad they never met. Maybe they will one day. Maybe Priscilla still reads my site and she will read this and realize, wow, steve is right. (as he usually was, haha)

i would feel very satisfied or vindicated if one day priscilla said, yeah i guess u were write about angela. i am sorry i abandoned u. and didnt reply to your mails when u asked me to. and didnt tell u how i was feeling with feeling words.

i would just say, its ok best friend. like i used to say to sarah. i would say, lets move on. quickly, there is a lot of work to be done. unless u want to talk more. i will take time to listen. make time. i am sorry i did not make more time to listen to u while we were together.

so now i am talking to m a bit more.
I asked how he was feeling. he said tired cuz he just woke up. - then he said u? and i said he could read about it on this page - i had already showed him the link. he is reading it now i think cuz he is sending me some messages. but cuz i dont have my glasses on they are hard to read. and i wanna keep typin. i ant to show this.. well i need to make a new file...

I did a lot of journal writing today.. ...p3/j/nov29_2016.htm  
Nov 29 continued - Cause and effect, responsibility

while journal writing i mentioned stephen covey... and the vikor frankl quote about in that space....

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. -- Viktor Frankl

then i found this when i googled stephen covey victor frankl

People who do not consider their reactions are reactive and often blame others or things outside of themselves for what happens. They don't take any responsibility. They'd say I failed the paper because the examiner doesn't like me.

Proactive people take responsibility for their response, often looking for what they can learn from what happened. They might say I failed the paper...maybe I didn't spend enough time learning, or didn't plan my time. What can I do differently next time?

To this I want to say "Maybe the examiner really *ddn't* like the person!" Let's not always try to be responsible for everything. Sometimes people do hate us, want to hurt us, or even kill us. And brain studies show that social rejection is similar in the brain to physical pain. If I hit you, it hurts. Maybe you called me an asshole, so I hit you. But your words did not cause me to hit you and they didn't cause your mouth to bleed where I hit you in the face. Your teeth cut your skin, and your skin was forced against your teeth by my fist. Let's look at cause and effect carefully and scientifically, not religiously or spiritually. Covey and so many other personal growth gurus/miillionaires, always are preaching to us. They often say a lot of things that make sense. Like Marshall Rosenberg, but let's not believe everything they say. Let's keep an open mind to what they have to teach us, but not so open our branis fall out, as the saying goes.

This whole "responsibilty" thing reminds me of rape. If a girl gets raped, it is traumatic. It affects her whole life from that moment on. You can tell her she is partly or even totally responsible. I am sure you can make any kind of argument you want to place responsibilty on her. And to deny the reality that the person who hurt her was the "cause" of her pain. But doing this is irresponsible. Which is ironic since Covey talks about respons- ability. Yeah, I agree with a lot of what he says, But if we "blame the victim" - how does that make society better? How does that help prevent future rapes? How does it help the person who raped her? Someone who rapes someone has some deep unmet needs. They have problems in other words. And their problems are a result of social problems and "systemic" structual problems. So let's look a little more intelligently at cause and effect. A little closer. A little deeper, A little broader

Also, I just noticed when reading the management summary (cuz that is where this page came from), the person or maybe Covey and the person are making simplistic generalizations of 2 kinds of people. proactive and reactive. this reminds me of heaven/hell/ black/white/ republican/democrat/ liberal convervative - but now we also have neo this and neo that and progressive this and progressive that. people like to over-simplify things for simple-minded people. so we can say there are intelligent people and simple-minded people. and as alfie kohn says, there are two kinds of people in the world, people who like to dichotomize and people who don't. :)