nvc4_

Throughout the week, as you make requests of other people, make a special effort to be conscious of whether or not it is your objective to connect.

Yesterday my partner and I were on the way to the supermarket. When we came to a park with WIFI I said, "What if we stop to check our mail? I want to be kind of quick because I'm a little afraid the store might close at 8." She said ok so we sat down on a park bench and checked our mail. As we finished being online and were getting up we started talking about where the signal was coming from. I started walking around the park looking up on the poles. The she said, "I'm a little worried about the time." "I said, "Oh, yeah, right." I stopped looked and we continued on our way.

Then when we got close to the store I noticed an old school building with Latin words on it. I stopped to try to read them. She looked at her phone and saw the time and said, "It is five till 8". Again, I said, "Oh! Right!"

So we got into the store just before 8.

This is an example of simple and direct communication, and of giving information. When she said, "It is 5 till 8," that was all the information I needed.

This is the best way I have found to communicate our feelings and respect the other person's ability to make good use of emotional and other information.

also tell story of neglected

Here is the story of one of the first times I saw first-hand how helpful it was to ask someone to use "I messages."

I had been staying at my close friend Lisa's place so I could use her computer while she was at work. She had a new, fast desktop computer which proved invaluable for the final editing and formatting of my first book.

She came home from work and I turned briefly to ask her how her day was. She said something, which I didn't pay much attention to. Then I turned back to the computer screen. I felt a silence in the room and I turned to look at Lisa. She was sitting with her feet pulled up on the couch and her hands and arms closed around her legs. She had a look on her face which told me there was something wrong.

I said, "How are you feeling?"

She replied with just one word. But it told me what she needed.

She said, "Neglected."

She didn't say it in a hurtful way, but I could tell she was feeling hurt and pain. I didn't feel attacked as I might have if she would have said something hurtful. For example, She could have said, "How do you think I feel?! I mean, come on. Just think about it for two seconds. You ask me how my day was and you don't pay any attention to what I say at all.. You just turn away and stick your face back in the damn computer. You book is obvoiusly more important and interesting than I am. How would you feel if I did that to you?"

But she didn't say any of that. She just said, "Neglected."

Just one word.

But it gave me all the information I needed to help ease her pain and repair the temporary damage I had done to our relationship.

I got up from the computer and sat down next to her on the couch. I said, "Sorry. How was your day really?"

This time she knew she had my full attention and she told me about some problem at work.

I just listened.

After she was finished talking I said, "Now how do you feel?"

This time she replied, "Better."

And she smiled.