Emails to Conal

"Inspired."

I like that word.

I'd like to know how inspired you feel by my work as you look at it. I'd like it very much if you felt inspired by it. :)

I like to use the scale of 0-10 for feelings, as you will probably quickly see in my writing. I find it very efficient and precise. It's the best I've come up with.

And thanks for challenging me to think with your questions.

As far as whether I want to compare/contrast or freely share, I think I really want to do both, but I am open to you giving me your feedback. My needs are more emotional than financial now.

S.

PS

Here is a link to what I guess is the newest revision of the "agreement". It isn't the one I surfed onto the first time, but I suppose they are very similar.

http://www.cnvc.org/sites/cnvc.org/files/trainers/2011-CNVC-Certified-Trainer-Agreement-2-10-2011.pdf

I found this copy by searching "CNVC Certified Trainer Agreement"

And here is a link to some of my most recent writing....

Hi Conal

Sorry for the delay. Yeah, I am doing a lot of processing. A whole lot! So much it gives me a headache!

I just felt motivated to write you right now because I wanted to share something with you. This morning my girlfriend / partner (she likes "girlfriend") was feeling critical and jugmental of some things about Marshall and NVC. I asked her kind of teasingly/provokingly what needs of hers were not being met by NVC. She thought a long time and finally said "My need for mental health. It makes me crazy."

I had to laugh at this because I understood what she meant.

I talk to her a lot about NVC. Too much for her tolerance sometimes. I teasingly use NVC speak with her. Today I realized that she and I both feel we need to learn a new language when we learn NVC, and that's another concern I have. -- I have a pretty long list now! I am very slowly (according to my standards at least) trying to organize them and substantiate them etc.

And yes, I was referring to the puppet who said "do you love me. I am working on a formal discussion of the topic of love and I plan to show you what I have on it soon.

Today Priscilla, or "P" (my girlfriend) and I also talked about how we are afraid the Giraffe / Jackal dichotomy is labeling people (or their behaviors) and creating a bit of "we" vs. "them" situation or mentality.

She remembered that in Scientology they have a term for anyone who is not a scientologist. She has a very good memory, epescially when it comes to emotional things. I believe she is very inately emotionally intelligent. She learns emotional things very quickly - math and computers a lot slower.

>Wog definition from from wiki: Amongst Scientologists, wog is used as a disparaging word for non-scientologists.

Anyhow, could you explain this more for me...

... what I take to be the wider NVC community's power-under reaction to CNVC.

I am working on a table of concerns for you, which will morph into something for my publc site eventually.

BTW how do you feel about me writing on my site or in some NVC forum that I am corresponding with you? I'd probably run whatever I quote by you first in any case.

I also wrote this article the other day. I felt pretty critical when I wrote it, and protective of the suicidal teenagers I have worked with over the years. So I am afraid you might feel a bit defensive or something about what I said about Marshall...

www.eqi.org/cause_and_effect.htm

Maybe you could help me understand what caused the camel's back to break in NVC terms - or more specifically when someone feels easily hurt - why do they feel so easily hurt? I am thinking of when Marshall said in the same video he talked about love...

... if other people have jackal ears, they can get hurt if you have heartburn.

What this means to me is he believe if other people feel easily hurt, that is there problem, not yours. It sounds invalidating to me. I know "invalidation" is not a concept used in NVC (the exact term isnt found anywhere on the CNVC site - they just have invalidate a few times, usually on someone's list of "Faux" feelings.

But for me it is a very real thing and it helps explain why young people feel depressed and suicidal. They are constantly told they are too sensitive, there is nothing really wrong, stop complaining, stop being dramatic etc. It is literally killing them, I believe, Conal. This hurts me deeply to see. So it is a very important concept in my work and my understanding of cause and effect. Invalidation has been called "crazy making". It is something like the polar opposit to feeling understood, and even MBR seems acknowledge we need to feel understood.

My partner nearly killed herself in highschool, btw. So I feel protective of her, too. They tried the cognitive behavior stuff on her, and the medication. Neither worked. She is a hard-sell now. She feels very skeptical, with good reason.
She said my page on invalidation is the most usefule one for her. And she, and others, have said my website has saved their life. So I feel pretty confident I am on the right track in this area.

Your thoughts are welcome as usual,

Thanks again for the mental stimulation and dialogue.

Warmly also,

St