criticism 3

MBR: “What are you wanting that you are not receiving?”

Doesn't say "needing"

Client: “I don’t know what I want.”
MBR: “I guessed that you would say that.”

“I guessed that you would say that.” Smart ass.

No Compassion

Client: “Why?”
MBR: “My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not
getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we
want because we have never been taught to get what
we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little
boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re
going to be one of those good things, better get used to
being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for
being ‘good.’ But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you
to clarify what you would like people to do to make life
more wonderful for you.”

what we want.. vs what we need.

I see some truth in this. Being "good" could mean not being assertive. Or aggressive. Which is true for the depressed teens. They are not aggressive enough.

more wonderful vs. less painful - he doesn't see that life is really painful for some pple. it is so far from wonderful that they feel invalidated, not understood when he keeps talking about making life more wonderful.

Client: “I just want someone to love me. That’s hardly unreasonable,
is it?”
MBR: “It’s a good start. Now I’d like you to clarify what you
would like people to do that would fulfill your need to
be loved. For example, what could I do right now?”
Client: “Oh, you know . . . ”
MBR: “I’m not sure I do. I’d like you to tell me what you would
like me, or others, to do to give you the love you’re looking for.”

Client: “That’s hard.”
MBR: “Yes, it can be difficult to make clear requests. But think
how hard it will be for others to respond to our request
if we’re not even clear what it is!”
Client: “I’m starting to get clear what I want from others to
fulfill my need for love, but it’s embarrassing.”
MBR: “Yes, very often it is embarrassing. So what would you
like for me or others to do?”
Client: “If I really reflect upon what I’m requesting when I ask
to be loved, I suppose I want you to guess what I want
before I’m even aware of it. And then I want you to
always do it.”
MBR: “I’m grateful for your clarity. I hope you can see how
you are not likely to find someone who can fulfill your
need for love if that’s what it takes.”

Often, we conceal aspects of our inner experience because we are ashamed of them. We fear that they render us unworthy and unlovable, make it likely that others will reject us. When we hide these aspects of ourselves, we are affirming we believe the story that we are defective and unworthy, and this intensifies our suffering. When we choose to reveal these aspects of ourselves, we are endorsing (or at least checking out) a different story, a story that we are human and lovable exactly the way we are. If we are judicious about where we share our wounding, we are likely to be received in a way that offers external support to this story of acceptability and lovability. If our inner commitment to this alternative story is shaky, the actual experience of offering up "shameful" parts of ourselves and having it be received with acceptance can be deeply healing.

Since adolescence I have always wondered why people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly the fact that some people are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge is not a universal aspect of human nature. So why do some tend to solve their problems by violence while others don't?

Philosophy failed to answer my question, and the Freudian theory of the death wish has never convinced me. It was only by closely examining the childhood histories of murderers, especially mass murderers, that I began to comprehend the roots of good and evil: not in the genes, as commonly believed, but often in the earliest days of life. Today, it is inconceivable to me that a child who comes into the world among attentive, loving and protective parents could become a predatory monster. And in the childhood of the murderers who later became dictators, I have always found a nightmarish horror, a record of continual lies and humiliation, which upon the attainment of adulthood, impelled them to acts of merciless revenge on society. These vengeful acts were always garbed in hypocritical ideologies, purporting that the dictator's exclusive and overriding wish was the happiness of his people. In this way, he unconsciously emulated his own parents who, in earlier days, had also insisted that their blows were inflicted on the child for his own good. This belief was extremely widespread a century ago, particularly in Germany.

I found it logical that a child beaten often would quickly pick up the language of violence.

Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions. What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?

My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood...