Doesnt meet my needs for truth undestanding, logic. (order too close to law and order) My need for awareness not met - not met by others. & their lack of understanding doesnt meet my need for understanding in world. - but similar ro "order", "fit" "making sense" logic. (i need intelligent answers/meaningful answers)

-

DMMYF efficiecy, productivity, simplicity, ease, harmony, integration

Doesnt mention belief in punishment reward. heaven hell. ---
Video Crtitique

The Basics of Non Violent Communication 2.2.avi
If you want to avoid hurting other people, the only way I can offer you to do that is to become a nice, dead person, because if other people have jackal ears, they can get hurt if you have heartburn.

why would someone get hurt so easily? cuz they have been hurt a lot in the past. he shows no understanding of that - no compassion. blaming the victim.

dividing people - doesnt bring unity. giraffe jackal

he makes you feel superior - you are the good guys, the giraffes, they are the bad guys/jackals

like scientologists have word for non scientologists

Love thing with puppets - says something about what "actions" do you want someone to do to meet your need for love. doesn't show compassion or caring
Comparison to EQI system

You get to the same place, but faster if you use more specific feeling words - but he says they aren't feelings.

in eqi system when someone says "i feel ___" you explore that to understand it unill he /she feels understood 10. It would slow down the process to say or think "that is not a feeling"

If someone says they feel ____, and then you say it isnt a feeling. they could say "I feel invalidated" so they feel even less understood. of course rosenberg would say that isn't a feeling either. So the goal for me is understanding -- not for u to understand them in your terms but for them to feel understood by you in their terms

It is very helpful to ask directly how much do ou feel understood? ... and keep progressing that way.

the successful salesman's definition - matches wth golemans def and bar ons
He is creating another language

I dont want to learn another language to speak with NVC members

but i feel afraid of rejection, correction if i dont use their language. - obnoxious stage
I want you to....

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts:

They claim: NVC is NOT about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.

But I say that for many people, they use it to get what they want without really showing or feeling compassion/empathy/caring. It depends mostly, I'd guess, on how needy/aggressive the person using the system is -- like with any other tool.
Make life more wonderful.. see example2 when he is talking to someone who is depressed.

 

More of my (sph's) thoughts...

We are motivated by our feelings and our needs. I feel love for you , therefore I do things which I know you will like.

If I met someone and they started saying " I have a need for so and so""I"d like you to so so and so" and "I want you to do so and so" and "That doesn't meet my need for so and so" and "Would you be willing to do so and so" I would feel very uncomfortable. I would not describe that as "falling in love."

We need the feeling not the action, not the gold ring, not the roses, not the spend one night with me per week.

awareness - i need others to be aware. i need them to care.

not motivated by caring if they do it. but fear - fear you will leave them if u dont do it.

when they do the behavor you don't know what the motivation was. but when you feel card about, love, you feel more sure of their motivation

he doesn't use feelings to motivate

i wasn't feeling pain before he came and needed an apple.

he might take the apple but he might not be hungry. it would be more about my needs.

 

From somewhere - not very helpful to me, but a bit interesting

Some organizations have tried to adopt NVC and have found it problematic. For example, Sharon Sarles of the Southwest Facilitators Network (SFN) attended an NVC training and reviewed NVC (and Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion) for possible use within the SFN. She found the method unsuitable for SFN and expressed a number of concerns.

..............Sarles includes in her critique ten suggestions for improvement of NVC. Some of these suggestions simply emphasize elements that are already present within NVC. Others could prevent misuse of NVC better than in its present form.

  1. "Intend to listen. This intention, more than all the technique in the world, is the key to communication and compassion and understanding."
  2. "Do not let others tell you how you feel. You are the only judge of that. Also do not attempt to tell others how they feel. If you are guessing [as suggested by the NVC process], be sure it comes across as a question. And be sure it fits into the conversation, as a substitute for active listening."
  3. "Notice when people are not letting you speak. Disallowing expression is contrary to Rosenberg’s method. Do not start this method by disallowing some one else’s expression. If you are starting with “No!” or “Stop!” you are not following Rosenberg’s method."
  4. "Separate moralistic judgments and delete them, but do not permit the rule of contentlessness. This is subsidiary to not letting another speak. Rosenberg did not train, talk, and enforce at the same time. Instead, he focused on others’ feelings AND THEIR NEEDS. Enforcing contentlessness is either a misunderstanding or a thoroughness of Rosenberg’s “heart not head” that even Rosenberg cannot accomplish."
  5. "Once you have listened well, intend to make clear, concise, positive requests. Keep your eye on this ball. Reflect on what it is you want. You may discover much violence within your request that you can root out before you even open your mouth. You may discover how to more effectively word your requests. In this way you will more likely fill your needs and offer your contributions."
  6. "Notice if people do not allow you to make requests. This is the goal of someone who wishes to deflect responsibility from him or herself. If they can keep you talking about your feelings, then they do not have to participate authentically, and never have to hear your requests. Like Rosenberg suggests, focus on your need, and make requests that meet your need. If you focus on your anger, you will make yourself miserable. However, if you allow someone else to force you to continue you talking interminably, especially if they are pop-psychoanalzying you, you are not getting to requests. If you are not getting to requests, you are not getting to agreements, and without agreements there will be no going forward on a basis that is more peaceful, useful, and right relationshiped."
  7. "Do not judge something non-violent simply because there is no raising of voice. Put-downs, ruination of reputation, and emotional torture are violent also. Gandhi’s word himsa means harm; ahimsa means harmlessness. The Scripture that Gandhi harks to is Patanjali 2:35: When one is established in harmlessness, all living things are devoid of enmity (hatred, dislike) in one’s presence."
  8. "If your dear ones are more upset by your use of new techniques, study again to see if you have it right; if your friendships are damaged by the use of these new techniques, stop until you understand nonviolence or communication or their feelings better. If you are going into a room of contented people, teaching NVC, and leaving them angry, feeling disrespected, defrauded, and upset, something is wrong."
  9. "Contrary to what some might read into Rosenberg, I do not think right procedure will be enough. Work not just on your tongue, nor yet on your total communication, but also on your heart/soul/inner life. Procedures cannot work optimally without right intention. Right intention is not strong and pure without purified heart. It is hardly enough to master verbal techniques to deal with insane aggressors and difficult people on your work team. Only radically changed personality structures will result in the peaceful garden for which poets have longed through the centuries. I was surprised to see Rosenberg’s confession of his own internal violence in ways that seem normalized. I wonder if procedures of any kind are deep enough."
  10. "Consider the fact that not all emotions are based in need. Although many are based in bare need, some are based in ego, others in egoless giving. Refusal to admit this is the refusal to observe but instead to interpose a priori judgments."

--

 

Guilt trip by MBR

To encourage her to sort out what she wanted, I asked, “Do you want to do something else even if it conflicts with my needs?”