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Feeling Drained, Discouraged
Needing rest, encouragement, support

Yesterday I felt drained, discouraged and loss. Now it is four AM and I just started writing an article about anger and pain. The article is based on a true story of a young couple who just cancelled their wedding. I am living in the same house with them. As I write this, my nose starts to sting, as it does just before I start to cry.

I feel so sad when I see their pain and suffering. I feel sad when I see how they communicate their pain. I feel discouraged when I think of their chances to have a happy marriage, by normal standards. I feel somewhat failful in my inability to stop their suffering, stop their arguing and destructive feelings and beliefs. (Later I wrote this article about them)

That is part of my depression from yesterday. Another part of it is from talking to a few teens. One goes to a religious high school. She has decided she is an atheist. But she can't tell anyone. She cuts. But she can't tell anyone. Her parents, like so many of the depressed, self-harming teens, are over-controlling and under-caring. She was extremely stressed over her upcoming exams. She is only 14.

I talked to another teen whose parents banned her from our chat support group. But she sent me a message on Facebook saying she needed the support of her online friends, and she knew they needed her support, too.

Now my eyes are getting watery...

I feel so alone in this work. In my efforts to try to raise public awareness. In my efforts to try to get laws changed.

I feel so drained now I am afraid I won't even be able to finish this article.

I need the support of my partner. But she also needs my support and we have almost no external source of support. I used to be able to go out into nature to get it when I lived in Canada, for example, or when I lived on my own land here in Australia.

I feel encouraged that someone who I will call HJ is helping us here in Sydney. She is 15 but doesn't have psychotically controlling parents so she can go online most of the time when she wants or needs to. She isn't as stressed over her grades as many teens are. She is free to meet with us. In fact, we met for the first time last Saturday. Last night we chatted with her online and asked how she felt about the work we had assigned to her so far. We asked if it was too much or if we could give her some more to do. She said could take more so we gave her more. We asked her to help us organize the teens we have writing to us who need emotional support.

I am jumping around now. I am sorry.

I need to say that I feel a loss because one teen volunteer was helping us everyday for the past week or so. We talked to her several times a day in fact. She was a big source of emotional support as well as practical help. We haven't heard from her in over 36 hours. We have no idea why but I am feeling the loss already and afraid we won't hear from her again, or it will be bad news such as "I am at a friend's house. I just wanted to let you know that my parents found out I was helping you and disconnected the Internet."

I have heard this kind of thing so many times before that just the thought of hearing it again triggers the familiar feelings of discouragement and loss. I tell myself, "Maybe someone else will take her place..." but I know that she is irreplaceable. Though we have talked to many teens, each one is different. No one is replaceable. Some, of course, make a bigger impression on us emotionally.

I just heard myself saying, without speaking of course, "I don't even know why I am saying this...". I am afraid I am being somewhat "infected" by the negative thoughts and beliefs and feelings that I have been exposed to for the past 12 years or so thru listening to depressed teens.

I know that they come to believe that "no one cares, so what is the point of trying?" Just the other day, my partner said, "I can't be helped." It hurt me to hear that. I think I even cried. It hurts me when she cuts. And it hurts me when she poisons herself with such negative, pessimistic thoughts. I really don't know if I can survive her loss if I were to lose her. I came so close to killing myself just days ago. I don't see as many reasons to live as I do to die. The scales are tipped. Like so many times, I can say it is only the survival instinct itself, not a conscious choice, to stay alive.

My partner is half awake now, but I don't want to wake her with my crying again. She has held me so many times while I cried. If she sees me crying she will get out of bed and come hold me. But I don't want her to. Not this time. I want her to sleep. She needs her sleep. I need to find other sources of strength. I am draining her. She needs support herself. So I will try going online...Maybe someone in our support group will be on....and they will read this and send me a hug.

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