Interview with child advocate Andrew
Vachss
Friday May 23, 2008
Dear Alice Miller,
This May 2008, Oprah Winfried's talk with Andrew Vachss
from 1993 has been posted on youtube.
Have you seen this interview?
Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-CA6-RmeBY&feature=related
In this talk, Andrew Vachss confronts Oprah with her
belief that anger resulting from an abusive childhood is
a bad thing that one needs to overcome, and that the way
to "healing" is through forgiveness. And he
thoroughly questions it.
What do you think?
AM: I saw the interview.
These are some of my thoughts about it: We will never be
able to stop child abuse as long as we say: “I put
the past behind me, I don't feel anger, have forgiven and
forgotten and get on with my life." This advice,
given very often, never actually helps. Why? Because the
endured abuse, if it is not worked out, drives the former
victims to do the same with their children as long as
they deny the pain and the anger, which the abuse left in
their bodies. Our feelings may stay for a long time
repressed, unconscious, but they wake up when we become
parents. Advice like the one given by Oprah wants to help
people who suffer by saying: "Enjoy your life, you
should no longer suffer because of things that happened
so long ago". We must know that this advice works at
the expense of the next generation, supporting
our blindness. Feeling and understanding the causes of
our old pain does not mean that the pain and the anger
will stay with us forever. Quite the opposite is true.
The felt anger and pain disappear with time and enable us
to love our children. It is the UNFELT, avoided and
denied pain, stored up in our bodies, that drive us to
repeat what have been done to us and to say:
"Spanking didn't harm me, it was good for me and
will thus also not harm my children." People who
talk like this go on writing books on how we should spank
babies early enough so that they learn to behave and
NEVER EVER realize what had been done to them so early in
their lives.
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Karma and abuse
Saturday August 11, 2007
Hello,
What are your thoughts on Buddhism and karma? I
experienced extreme physical and mental/emotional abuse
by a step father which my mother condoned through
silence. Also some minor sexual abuse by a relative. For
some reason I'm only just admitting this to myself within
the last year, although I have awful scars covering my
legs from being beaten with extension cords and belts,
somehow I managed to repress these memories until
recently after I suffered a breakdown of sorts. As a
woman, I don't have much confidence, although I'm
learning to fake it until I gain it.
It's actually quite freeing to no longer feel crazy or
act out neurotically, I realize I was under going much
self deception in order to survive.
Now, at 29, I find myself going down this path of
Buddhism and karma as a way to make sense of the abuse.
Basicaly believing that my spirit chose this hardship as
a way of compensating for past(lives) errors. My mind has
to find a logical reason for the pain other than just
blaming the abuser. He has little concern for me and
calls his abuse of me "discipline." I make an
effort to not think of him or my mother. While Buddhism
is comforting to a degree, its austerity is harsh as you
are told that you should be thankful for any insult or
abuse because abusers are teachers and we deserve
whatever we get--to put it bluntly.
As far as finding spiritual validation for the abuse ,
would you say that it is another form of denial? T.
AM: Yes, of course I
would say that. It is not only denial, it is brain
washing in the most dangerous way.
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The word « discipline » conceals
the abuse of power
Saturday November 26, 2005
Dear Alice Miller
... It's so good to know that you hate the word
'discipline', above all concerning children. :)
As I see it, sexual abuse is ranked at the top of what
people see as abuse; everyone accept the fact that this
is abuse. Then comes physical abuse, and then comes
neglect and then probably emotional abuse. But at the
bottom comes "Erziehung". Almost no one looks
at this as abusive, therefor the importance to stress
this is great, as I see it.
What I meant in my previous mail was that in "For
your own good" you stressed the point that you saw
*all* "Erziehung" and pedagogy as poisouness in
pure words. In later books I can't find it as clearly
expressed. My other point was the EPOCH link. Epoch *is*
in favour of disciplining, and you link to them without
commenting anything on it (for instance that you support
their stand against corporal punishment, but are not in
favour of disciplining).
I don't know the discipline debate all around the world,
but in Scandinavia for about the last 25 years or so it
has been all about limitsetting (Sigsgaard & Varming
1997). "Am Anfang war Erziehung" was recognized
from both sides as a strong "posting" into that
debate. Your later books are not, exept for those already
familiar with "Am Anfang...", but only those
ones who already are against limitsetting, since they
interpret the meaning expressed so clearly in "Am
Anfang..." into your newer books.
I love all your books, but for me it was "Am
Anfang..." that really grabbed my hand and made me
stand up for 15 years until I was able to find emphatic
witnesses :)
To sum up:
My piont was the combination of seeing links to
"discipline" web sites on your site and at the
same time only being able to find solid arguments against
*all kinds* of "Erziehung" and pedagogy in
"Am anfang..."; this combination made me wonder
of your stand today.
Warmly,
V. J.
AM: Dear V.,
I absolutely agree with you, the word « discipline »
conceals the abuse of power that adults think to need
towards children. As to the link to Epoch USA I know that
Nadine Block fights against the cruel upbringing and I
appreciate her efforts but I can’t expect from
everybody to read my books and share my opinions when we
decide to put a link on my website nor do I feel
responsible for their vocabulary. Otherwise there would
hardly be links at all. I can only hope that readers are
free enough to make their own observations as you did.
Thank you for having shared them with us and may be you
could also write to Nadine Block on this matter.
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Causes of depression
Sunday April 15, 2007
Dear Alice Miller,
I am a 30 year old male and have been battling depression
for several years now. When I am depressed I usually
think of taking my own life (even though I would never
have the courage to do so), or of escaping this crazy
world to some distant island, a place free of the
pressures of "modern" life. I have never taken
antidepressants to treat my depression, nor will I ever
do so.
I first started experience depression around five years
ago, and like so many people, I saw the causes of my
misery only in my present life circumstances. It took
around 3 years of therapy, and reading some of your work
(in particular "The drama of the gifted child"
and "The body never lies"), as well as your
article on depression on your web site, that I began to
understand the true source of my feeling depressed. I had
suffered a great deal of emotional abuse from both of my
parents. Just to give you some examples: I was
"trained" by my parents to always put their
needs ahead of mine. I was never listened to by my
parents because they were constantly caught up with their
marital arguments. I was told by my parents that I am the
reason that they can't get divorced, and, like any child
would, I took all the blame on me. I constantly had to
comfort and console my mother because I saw how much she
suffered in her marriage. My father threatened me to kill
himself if I was going to tell my mother that I had
caught him in one of his many extra-marital affairs. And
the list goes on. The warning lights were on pretty early
in my life, but they went unnoticed. I suffered from
panic attacks whenever I had to read out loud in school.
For a long period of time I lived in denial of these
events, and the impact they had on my development, and I
am sure that this is and was one of the main reasons for
my depression.
In my early 20s I seized the opportunity to leave my home
country, and today an ocean lies between me and my
family. I am glad it does, and I haven't spoken to my
parents for 2 years. Ever since I stopped communicating
with my parents my well being has improved. However,
during those 2 years, I have experienced an emotional
roller coaster ride. There are periods when I feel like I
can conquer the world and achieve anything I set my mind
to, and then, with no apparent reason, I feel like shit,
unfit for this world, no self-confidence, insecure,
wanting to kill myself -- “ in other words --“
depressed. For instance my most recent depression (the
one that I am experiencing as I write this) was triggered
by not being invited to job interviews. I put a lot of
time and effort into preparing my application materials,
but, it didn't pay off for the jobs I had applied for.
Some employers didn't respond at all. I am in graduate
school working on my thesis, and whenever I feel this
way, I am paralyzed. I can't work, I sit in front of the
TV or computer all day long, and that usually starts a
vicious circle.
So what is my point and/or question? I know that life is
not a constant state of happiness and joyfulness, but is
it unrealistic for me to expect some degree of a
"balanced" emotional life without these extreme
ups and downs? These periods of depression often last for
weeks, and they scare the hell out of me. Once I get out
of them, I can hardly believe the things I had thought
and felt during these episodes. The even more important
question is: Do you think that there is part of my
childhood and adolescent story that I still live in
denial of? I truly believe that my body is trying to tell
me something when I fall back into depression? If not, do
you think that these episodes of depression are caused by
other things, such as the loneliness I often feel as a
result of not being in touch with my parents (and other
family members who side with my parents)?
Any comments you can share are greatly appreciated!
Sincerely yours, M.
AM: You seem to know the
causes of your depressions very well, but maybe you can't
still find access to the FEELINGS of the little boy who
had to care for his parents and was never cared for by
them. I would suggest that you read my answer of
yesterday, April 14th, concerning the importance of
feeling the RAGE, and the theories of primal therapy.
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