I’m feeling frustrated now because I can’t find a file I want. I can’t find my old journals. I want to find the name of the book about the guy who was a protestor, which his wife wrote after he died. One of the only details I remember is that she knew Krishnamurti and then he dissed her so I am searching my whole hard drive for his name on the other computer.

Little things like that frustrate me too much… so I remind myself of my own question how important will it be 10 years from now. And the answer is not at all or nearly not at all. I wanted to show it to x so she could find the book and read it, so she would feel more encouraged about coming here and being to me kind of like that woman was to him. But she seems pretty sure she is coming anyhow so I guess I don’t need to give he more encouragement. Still it is a good book for other reasons and I still wish I could find it.

yay I just found it!

and I clapped!!

This is it. It is about Scott Nearing

….
so I am in the bathroom now. I came in to write. I write better in the dark. In small spaces. Like in my tent I lost in Canada and my car I left there. Or in the van I left in Australia.

Or the van I left in Peru.

I came in to write about Scott Nearing. Scott and Helen. They are the people I was looking for.

I googled Scott Nearing and found a site on the Good Life Center. As I read it I kept thinking this is what I want, this is what Ocean wants. I suppose Ocean already knows about it. But if now, now she does.

I wanted to create something like that with Ocean, but I’ve accepted that is not going to happen the way I envisioned it in July. Yet I haven’t given up my dream. I feel hopeful, and pretty optimistic really, that someone else will come here and help me create something a little like the Good Life Center. I haven’t found anything to criticize about it yet. I like the simplicity of the website. It is not a bunch of self-promotion. They don’t promote the board members a la the EI Consortium. It doesn’t seem to be all about money, like the EI Consortium and so many other groups of people.

Then I read what is written in wikipedia about the Nearings. And I started to cry. I feel humbled maybe is the word. I feel inspired but honestly I am pretty sure I will never achieve what they did. I know that with the help of a female partner, one who will stay with me till the end as Helen did for Scott, one who admires me, supports me, believes in me, listens to me, cares about me loves me, laughs with me and calls me names like Silly Steve, I can achieve much more than I have so far in my life.

I don’t know yet if anyone will really come. Now Cara is saying she and Dale will come here one day. But they are just 15, yet, so what? Well, the so what is most fifteen year olds forget the dreams they had when they were fifteen by the time they are 18 and can get a passport. But I am starting to feel more optimistic that one day I will have the missing link in my life, and from there I can start to really put things together. I don’t know if she is the person. I am talking to a lot these days, teens come and go, but my dreams have stayed pretty much the same. She is closer to being legally free. Doesn’t seem to have a Nazi ex-communist for a father, seems to have more freedom, well definitely has more freedom, seems to be more romantic, more in love with me… so it appears good on the surface, but I don’t want to count on it.

Anyhow, I will keep believing in myself and my dreams. Keep pursuing them.

This guy Nearing is an inspiration to me. When I first read about him at the Hostel in the Forest I admired him also, but I didn’t know about the center, with its visitors and all. His wife Helen didn’t promote it if she even had it when she wrote the book. But it seems pretty impressive.

Just looking at the new “stewards” makes me think it is for real. They aren’t your typical EI Consortium members.

Anyhow, so I guess I am done now and I will get out of the bathroom. Yeah I’m a nutcake. And I like myself that way. And I like my little nutcake friend.

When you do something for someone you love, and it fits with what you would do anyhow, good things happen. You do everything better. Life feels brighter. Troubles seem less troubling. You feel less insecure, less stressed, less worried about the future. More focused. Ok so I am really getting out of the bathroom now.

So I want to add something else about Ocean. I hope that she follows her own dreams. I hope she keeps writing. I hope she keeps believing in herself. I lost some faith in her, but I’d like to see her do something with all her talent and intelligence. She has a good heart which has been very damaged, like so many of the teens I talk to who come from emotionally, physically and sexually abusive homes and controlling, invalidating school systems. I hope she starts her own eco village someday or is a contributing member to one. I’d welcome her here under different circumstances than the ones I went to Europe to see her on and different than the ideas we had while we made plans together in Europe. Our lives have changed now, we have gone somewhat different directions, but I hope we will keep in touch and stay friends as much as we can after what happened. Like the divorce from the first Russian in my life, I thought at the time it was the worst thing which ever happened to me, but later I saw it as a turning point in my life, in a positive direction, one which led to where I am now. I am actually pretty content right now. More so than I have been in a long time. I was content in Europe but that quickly turned into pain and disillusionment. Overall it was a positive experience for me though, I’m sure of that. I got so many hugs and so much acceptance that it did a lot to help fill my deep dry well of unmet emotional needs. There is some water in the well now. And it seems the well is getting fuller each day. So it seems anyhow, I remember a guy from my mens group in Florida who said each time everything is going well he fucks it up. I don’t really think I will fuck things up, I am more afraid they will get fucked up by some one else. Or something will happen which I have no control over, like the Argentine police will say I can’t stay here or something the next time I cross the border to renew my visa. Which actually is theoretically this month. It is hard to believe it will be three months since I got back from Europe. I think I am still calculating something wrong… I got back at the end of July, so that means the end of August is one month, the end of Sept two and yes the end of Oct three. It seems just a few days ago I was looking forward to Ocean coming here.

Anyhow, things can change quickly in a person’s life. One day out of the blue Ocean wrote me and said she would be in London on Wednesday, then soon after that we were walking around Brussels together. Then another day I find out she isn’t coming here. She is back living in the same building she tried to kill herself in. That is something I probably will never understand. And which will always hurt me to think about, but what’s done is done as they say, so anyhow, then one day I met someone who changed my life again. I probably sound quite foolish for letting females influence me so much, but c’est ma vie. I love and need females in my life. Ocean helped me see that I want to be in love with one person, who also in love with just one person, that being me. So somehow, magically it seems, this person popped into my life. She’s still in teen prison but for now we are both feeling pretty optimistic about being together when she is free. I guess this is my destiny, to wait for someone to get out of teen prison, wait and hope they will be the “one.” The one who never leaves me, who supports me emotionally and all the rest I mentioned before.

So old Scott Nearing died at 100 years old. Quite impressive. If that goes for me too, then I haven’t yet lived even half my life! I suppose living the way he did added to his long life. Really, it is to me quite an impressive story and more than story, model.

If anyone who reads this happens to have visited the center in Maine, please let me know how it really is. It seems kind of like The Hostel in the Forest without all the drugs and beer. lol

And probably without the swimming hole where you can go skinny dipping!

Now the Beatles song is playing “I’m in love with her and I feel fine.” Then the lyrics end with “She’s in love with and I feel fine.”


Now the next one is “All my loving” These songs are so simple, yet so everlasting. As I told Fernando I can see why the Beatles were so popular with teenage females. Here are some of the lines…

“Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you, tomorrow I’ll miss you.”

“And then while I’m away, I’ll write home everyday, and I’ll send all my lovin to you.”

“Darling, I’ll be true.”

This is what a teenage girl wants. She wants someone who will be true to her, who will miss her, who will write her everyday. Love is important to her. It is the most important thing really, but the adults around tell her that no, love can wait, or there is no such thing as love, or love means you get hurt. And that they need to study study study study. So they can go to college and study some more. And take tests and pass them so they will be employable and they can have financial security and not depend on a man.

But I don’t believe that is what a teenage girl’s heart tells her. I think her heart tells her to find security in love. And then all the rest will work out.

Here are so more lyrics from another Beatle song….

“I give her all my love, that’s all I do.”

“A love like ours, could never die…”

“Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky, I know this love of mine will never die.. and I love her.”

It sounds so simple, almost like “Roses are red, violets are blue, I love Silly Sue and she loves me too” but they don’t have to be complicated to be sweet. Their simplicity makes them sweet in fact.

Now “Money can’t buy me love” is on. Another simple, but oh so true commentary on life.

Now comes “Listen, do you want to know a secret…”

“…the words you long to hear.”

And yes, they are words every teenage girl longs to hear “I’m in love with you.” Notice it’s not “I love you.” It’s “I’m in love with you.”

A girl needs a father’s love, but she needs someone else to say “I’m in love with you.”

The Beatles understood what was important in life. And then think about John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

Now is “I saw her standing there”
It starts out “She was just seventeen….”

The Beatles also knew you don’t have to be 18 to be in love.

---

part 2

Some googling

I just checked "You don't have to be 18 to be in love" and found no results!

Then I checked "You don't have to be 18 to" and found a lot. If I had time I'd read more of them but here is one I found which looks interesting.

(?? I guess I forgot to put the link in!**)

Notice how they say "Children under 16" so a 15 year old is a "child"?

Wow. I just read more of that site... they sold out 25,000 tickets in few hours. At around 150 dollars per ticket. Do the math. That's a shitload of money!

Maybe I should start staging concerts!

After all money can't buy me love.. lol, wait, something's wrong there!

Ok then I found this.. I expected something a bit more intelligent, but in spite of its frightening statements about the treatment of women I did have a lot of laughs. Traveling out of the USA as much as I have, I have to agree with him on many things, such as this one...

36. If you don't find a seat on a bus or train, you can always hop on the rooftop.

That's the way it actually was in Indonesia!

Ok I'm gonna do some "work" but if you have time look up some more of the list of "You don't have to be 18 to" in google and let me know what you find.