Steve's Personal Page
Steve's Page on Emotional Intelligence, Teen
Suicide etc.
Some of Nicole's Diary from Opendiary.com when she was 17
(I haven't finished putting on the links)
Major
mood swings (Normal or not?) - 2/19/2000
What
will fill the void in my soul? - 2/20/2000
Afraid
to sleep ( Have weird dreams ) - 2/20/2000 (being chased)
no self control... - 2/25/2000 (cut again)
Radio Flyer - 2/27/2000 (movie about abuse)
Only One Good teacher? - 3/2/2000
I'm alone and he's out of prison... scary thought - 3/3/2000
(about first step father)
Fictional Parents - 3/3/2000
(grandparents threatened to call police on her)
I need help - 3/6/2000
he's becoming power driven??? - 3/7/2000 (school counselor
becomes "discipline principal")
Talked to school psychologist about scizofrenia - 3/9/2000 (+ gym
class)
Brother's anger results in a hole in the wall - 3/16/2000
Update on brother's violence + **THEME OF THE WEEK* - 3/17/2000
Why can he make my mom happy and not me??? - 3/18/2000
I got out of the house and feel much better - 3/18/2000
Friend was raped and appointment with therepist - 3/21/2000
Major
mood swings (Normal or not?) - 2/19/2000
Dear Diary,
I don't know if these are "normal Teenage mood swings"
or if they are something more. I can be excited, hyper, and
loving life one minute and the next I'll be depressed, angry, and
wanting to end my life. Sometimes,for no known reason at all, I
will get deeply depressed. The depression will last anywhere from
a few minutes, a couple hours, and once in rarely weeks or
months. I hate it. My therepist said I had Borderline Personality
Disorder whatever that is. I wonder if my mood swings have
anything to do with that. I don't know. This morning I was in one
of my "dark moods." However, I'm feeling okay now.
What
will fill the void in my soul? - 2/20/2000
Dear Diary,
I'm so sick of feeling like this. My soul feels as though there
is a hole in it. It's empty and hollow; emotionless at time.
There must be something that will fill the void, but I don't know
what it is yet. Maybe once the void is full, happieness will find
me, or I'll find happiness. Maybe I will fill the hole with
alcohol or drugs like my father did. The alcohol and drugs make
you happy at least for a little while. Then they take you over
and the only thing you live for is another drink or another high
not even careing who you hurt. The alcohol makes you crazy. They
make you hurt or beat little kids that can't even protect
themselves. I don't want to be that kind of person, so I will not
get into that life. I need to find whatever is missing, though,
and I don't know where to look. I'll search everywhere until I
find it.
--
2/20/2000
My mother and brothers are fighting and yelling again and my
mom's boyfriend is in bed, probably because he can't take all the
god damn fighting. I don't blaim him. Sometimes I feel like an
outsider in this house. Last year this month, my mom left my 2nd
step father and we moved here. She had a new boyfriend and he
moved in with us within the week that we moved from my step
father's. I like him, but he'll never be my father and he doesn't
want to fill that role; he shouldn't have to. My brothers have
each other. My mom has her boyfriend. I have nobody here. I
haven't seen my father in a year and my sister doesn't live with
me. It gets really lonely. I stay in my room when I'm home. I
hate being a stranger in my own home. One day, I'm going to adopt
a child, or perhaps have foster children, and I will love them so
much. I will protect them from bad people who want to hurt them.
I will love them. They won't feel lonely in our home.
Well, my mom just called me to dinner, so I should go at the
table and stare at my food. I'm not hungry today.
Afraid
to sleep ( Have weird dreams ) - 2/20/2000
I want to go to bed, but I'm scared. I've been having the
weirdest and scariest dreams lately! Last nights dream seemed to
last forever.
THE DREAM:
Everybody in school, the teachers and students, were all after me
for some reason. I ran and hid behind my math teacher's desk and
asked her to help me. Instead of helping me, she showed the other
teachers where I was. I ran from behind her desk and to the
playground where I hid in a large tube slide. From inside the
slide, I could hear everybody looking for me. Police sirens were
all around and people were calling out my name. I was trapped!
The next part of the dream skipped to this undergrown water
tunnel. I was in there with this guy who was trying to help me
get away. By this time the entire world was after me, so I
couldn't go into public. I had to stay inside the tunnel with
this man who was helping me to get away. Suddenly, though, a
large wave of water flooded the tunnel and I was swept away by
the water. Eventually, I fell out of the tunnel and into this
water park where a ton of little kids were playing with their
parents. I remember thinking in the dream, "Why can't I be
like these kids? Worry free and happy?" Since I was now in
public, somebody noticed me and yelled, "There's that
girl!" Everybody began chaseing me. I was running as fast as
I could, but wasn't going anywhere! My heart raced and I was so
scared! I was trapped!
END OF DREAM
Every night I have these weird bizarre dreams. Most are much
scarier than this one. They all seem to involve me being trapped
in one way or another. I have the "being chased but can't
move" dream so much. I have a book on Dream Interpretation,
but it isn't helping me. Anybody have any ideas as to what this
dream could mean??? I'm already afraid of the dark and dreams
like these do not make sleeping any easier.
--
no self control - 2/25/2000
I'm sad to say that I am a failure. I have know self control. I
ruined my record of nearly a month, and cut. I'm scared it's
going to get out of control like my whole "throw up
everything you eat" this last summer. That's under complete
control now. I have to continue working on this cutting myself.
The thing that I hate most about cutting myself is that there is
nobody to blaim besides myself. Many doctors say that many abuse
victems suffer from these disorders, so I could blaim all the
a**holes that have been in my life in the past. That wouldn't be
right, though. I choose to hurt myself. They don't put the knife
or the glass to my skin. They aren't even around anymore. I hate
knowing that it IS all my fault, and I need to stop. Nobody else
can make me. I wonder if this is how an alcoholic feels? For
example, my father drinks and does drugs to a point where he
can't stop. Is he scared because he knows that he's responsible
and he is the only one that can stop it. People say that you
can't hate your own parents. I don't believe that's true.
--
Radio Flyer - 2/27/2000
I watched "Radio Flyer" today. It was so very sad. It's
about these two little boys who are trying to deal with thier
abusive, drunk step-father. How can a grown man beat a little
kid? It makes me sick to my stomach. Another diarist wrote about
how people hate so much, but it doesn't really accomplish
anything. I will take his advice and try not be to angry over
this movie because there is nothing I can do about it. It is just
a movie; I have a tendency to get way too worked up over things.
--
I'm
alone and he's out of prison... scary thought - 3/3/2000
Dear Diary,
It's Friday! Thank God! I'm stuck at home tonight because my
mother and her boyfriend went to a hotel and I need to baby sit
my brothers; who are 11 and 12, and in my opinion don't need to
be watched like a little baby. My sister called a little while
ago and asked me to go over because she was at her house alone
and sad. I felt so bad that I couldn't go. I miss her and worry
about her a lot. Maybe I will go to her house for the day
tomorrow.
Last night I had a dream about my first step father, from the
ages of 0 - about 4. In the dream, I was in the woods watching my
step father and his friends get drunk by the fireplace. He saw me
and I got very scared because I was just a little girl in the
dream. I tried to run as he walked closer to me, but I couldn't!
My feet wouldn't leave the ground. I ran as fast as I could, but
I wasn't going anywhere! It was such a scary dream, but it seems
like most of my dreams deal with falling or running. I hate the
feeling of lack of control and fear.
I'm going to be home all night alone, besides my little brothers.
My x first step father is out of prison, he had tried to kill his
girl friend, and he lives pretty close to me. Even though I
haven't seen him in about 12 years, I'm still sort of scared that
he is going to find us, and try to do something to us. After all,
he is my brothers' father. My brothers never met him, but he
could use that as an exuse to find us. I feel so alone in this. I
can't talk to my mother about him. She doesn't even know I'm
scared of him or worry about him. Am I supposed to forget about
the 4 years that he was in our life? I don't think so.
Sorry. I needed to vent a little.
--
Fictional Parents -
3/3/2000
Okay, Here I am writing again. I know that it's probably getting
annoying listening to me ranting and raveing and whineing all the
time; sorry. The only way I can really vent is through writeing.
I'm really lonely right now. Sometimes I think I want to runaway
from here to a place where nobody knows me. To a place where I
can start all over and forget the past 16 years of my life. Maybe
I'll go to NYC. Actually, I'll probably never get out of this
town. I too scared. I'm too scared to become close to anybody. I
wish that I could trust people and that I could just be like
normal teenagers. I've been thinking a lot about how I want my
parents to be. I made fictional parents:
MY FICTIONAL MOTHER- This mother had me when she was about 25.
This gave her time to do the things she wanted to in life before
having me. She's married to one man and remains married to one
man; my fictional father. This mother is happy and understanding.
She can really relate to me because she has a lot of teenage
spunk to her. We can go shopping together and even stay up late
drinking hot chocolate and talking about our lives, our goals,
are fears and our joys. She loves me and my brothers and my
fictional father. Also, she never yells, or says things when
she's mad that she will regret later. I could go on forever.
MY FICTIONAL FATHER: My fictional father is a wonderful, sweet,
careing and understanding man. He's neither an alcoholic, drug
addic, liar, or cruel person. I am a Daddy's girl. Whenever I get
hurt or am sad, he is right there by my side to hug me and tell
me that it's okay. Whenever somebody else trys to hurt me, he
defends me, or even kicks the person's butt if they are too big
for me to do myself. My fictional father is a Social worker who
works with abused children. He even takes in children from
abusive homes and gives them a worm, loving place to live. My
fictional father is very cool. Sometimes we take long walks
together and I don't even mind that I am hanging out with my
father because I love him. We play baseball and soccer together,
and every winter we ski together. It's so much fun. He's my hero,
my super man, he protects me.
Okay, so maybe none of this is true, but that's why it's called
FICTION. Oh how I wish I could wake up one morning, and it would
be all reality. I just one this for ONE DAY. That's it. ONE DAY.
I want a real father and though I love my mother, I want a
different relationship with her; I just want a relationship with
her. I'm too scared to let myself close to her to get one though.
Oh well. Sorry if I'm boring anybody. I should have written all
this is my PERSONAL OFF LINE DIARY.
--
Dave Pelzer( author of A child called it)My inspiration -
5/2/2000
Dear Diary,
I am reading the last of David Pelzer's books entitled,"A
MAN NAMED DAVE." It is such a sad situations yet such a
wonderful inspiration. David Pelzer is a real role modal to
everybody. He's been through hell and back and doesn't let it
stop him. Instead, it forces him to push himself harder. He has
accomplished so much in his life that, to me, it's amazing. I
remember when I met him a couple months ago, and I nearly died
inside when he hugged me. He's met so much to me for awhile, and
to actual meet him, was a blessing. I know it may sound obsessing
( I often obesses ) but I think about him all the time. About
what it would be like if he was my father. He loves his son so
much that it makes me feel so warm inside. Someday, I will touch
children's heart. Somebody I will help. I have even been thinking
about maybe trying to be some sort of foster parent, or perhaps
adopt a child.
Helping children mend broken wings; thoughts needed - 5/3/2000
Though I am only 16 years old, I find myself trying to discover
my place in life. My entire life I have felt alone, like the
outsider. People have always-always labled me. Durring my young
years, I was a toy to an alcoholic drunk, Through K-3rd grade, I
was the outsider due to my passive shyness; the person that
everybody made fun off and if they touched me, they would get
coodies. Forth grade, I was just invisibal and slowly loosing my
interesting in life. As the years progressed, I made more friends
and was then labled as the strieght A know it all. Now, I am
still dealing with lables. I am slacker who dresses in black and
"hangs" with the croud who just doesn't care. The
person who walks around the track instead of running,the person
who goes along with anything my friends do just because I don't
want to appear soft, the person who just lost all hope. I don't
like the person I have become, and I know that deep down inside,
I am NOT that person. SO, who am I?
I've come to conclusions that there must be some point to life.
I'm a firm believer in destiny. I wasn't just put on Earth to
hide away in my bedroom, to be afraid to look the world in the
eyes, and live in dispare. I must believe that I wasn't, or else
there really isn't any point of going on. I've always been afraid
of the future. Afraid of what it holds in store. Mostly though,
I've been afraid of what it stores. It is easier to give up than
to than to try, fail, and feel worthless. I am tired of not
knowing, and I want to make that first step in making my life
feel more worth while. I want to make that first step in
discovering who i am.
I realize that I have been talking about David Pelzer a lot
lately. The truth is, he really touched my heart. In person, he
was just as great. I can't explain what that one hug did for me.
Because of him, I'm seriosly concidering working with disturbed
children and teenagers. There has always been apart of me who
wanted to lend a hand to children in need. There is so much going
against the children now days. Everyday I hear about another kid
being abused, left in a trash can, being molested and it hurts.
Even now, as I type, I am listening to the television and here
about children being hurt. I want to help. I want to make
children laugh. If anybody has any ideas of places I can
volenteer with children, please let me know. Let me know of any
organizations also. Keep in mind that I am only 16.
My wings have been broken, and I think that I want to take
another step of healing them. THis step would be by dicovering
myself.
--
from 3/5/2000
Last night, my sister, her boyfriend and I took a walk downtown
to the projects where my sister's boyfriends brother lives. We
passed my grandmother's house on the way there. OUr relation ship
with my grandmother is wierd. My father had convinced my
grandmother that we were trouble and now she doesn't speak to us.
She even threatened to call the police on me once because I
called her. Hello? I can't even call my own grandmother? Anyway,
back to what I was saying, We passed my grandparents house. All
the lights were off, so I thought maybe they were in bed. It was
late. I had to fight the earge not to go knock on their door.
They hurt me so bad, but I still want to see them. I haven't seen
them in a year, and I miss them. I fought the earge and didn't go
knock on the door. They wouldn't want to see me anyhow. Oh well,
who needs them?
--
I need help - 3/6/2000
Dear Diary,
I am so depressed tonight; one of my down moods I guess. I hate
them. I feel guilty for feeling bad sometimes, but I can't just
snap out of it. I can't just become happy when I don't FEEL it.
People, especially my mother, doesn't understand that. All she
ever does is give me looks or yell. The looks are the worst. They
tell me,"You're such a bitch. Don't talk to me." It
tears me up inside. Sometimes I just want to die, but I'm also
afraid of death... of the unknown. Also, I could never do
anything to take my own life because I care about my sister and
my friends and all those who I care about to much to hurt them
that way. I don't know. I feel so fucked up. I just want to get
away from here. I want to hide away where nobody can see me and
just cry and cry. Then, someday, when I get the courage to look
the world into the eyes, I will do so. No, I'll just stick it out
and hope to find a purpose. There must be one under all this
garbage.
I need help.
--
he's becoming power driven??? - 3/7/2000
Dear Diary,
Today I'm feeling upset. See, my guidence counsolor from last
year became the discipline principal in December. Today I was
sitting at lunch and a couple of my friends were bad mouthing
him, saying that he's on an ego trip and everything. Maybe I
shouldn't care about him, but I really do. I hate to think that
he's becoming power driven person. Last year he helped me so
much. I cried for the first time in years in his office and I
couldn't help. I wish I knew if he's really changing. I can't
really imagine him being a jerk. Okay, here I go again about
careing to much about people I shouldn't care so much about.
Well, good bye for now.
--
Talked to school psychologist about scizofrenia - 3/9/2000
Dear Diary,
I've been in one of my major states of depression the last three
days. I went to bed at 7:00 pm the other night and haven't eaten
anything hardley. I'm feeling better today, though. =0)
If you read one of my other entrys about scizofrenia, I was
wondering what it was because I had heard that that was what my
father had. Well, today I went to my school psychologist, whom I
haven't talked to in a long time. I asked him about it. He told
me that it was hard to explain in a short period of time, but
basically said that it's when somebody experiences intence
paronoia and may hear voices and things in that perspecting.
Interesting. I made one big mistake while I was there, though. I
forgot about the cuts on my arms from about a week ago, and I
wore a short sleave shirt. He saw them and asked me what they
were. I just told him that I had had a bad day. Last year, he had
me sent to the hospital for an evaluation because of scars and my
writeing. I was feaking out, but I don't think he's going to make
any phone calls now because he knows that I am already in
therepy. Some of my friends who have been to the school
psychologist don't like him. I think he's great. Last year he
even said that I could scream, and swear at him, and even tear
his room apart if I needed too. That was cool.
I almost got into a fight today in gym. ( I am against violence )
Anyhow, in gym we were playing volly ball. My friend was asking
me a question about something and we were fooling around. We are
both big slackers when it comes to school so we didn't care much
about the game; we were being forced to play. A girl on the other
team said something to my friend about how she couldn't hit the
ball and how she spent the entire time talking to me. I could
have punched her teeth in. Well, normally I would blow somebody
off and say that it's not worth it, but this girl I can't stand.
She's one of those snobby girls who think they are better than
everybody else. However, after a few words were tossed, I was
able to control my anger and ignore her. My friend, however, is a
little more angry then me. Put it this way, my friend has friend
that can really hurt her. Hopefull nothing happens... like I
said, for the most part I am against violence. I've lived through
too much violence to like it.
==
Appointment with counsolor... baby on the way - 3/15/2000
Dear Diary
On the 13th I had an appointment with my therapist. It was nice
seeing her since I hadn't seen her in a while. I feel safe, yet I
also fear scared when I'm with her. Scared at what I might say.
Scared of what she might ask. Mostly we just talked about fear.
She tells me that my fears are from my early child hood before I
had words. I don't remember anything from then, so I told her
that my fears today couldn't possibly be from something I don't
remember. She says though, that my mom had told her things. I
don't know what to think. Oh well. At the end of our oppointment
she told me to look at her. I asked her why. She replied that she
just wanted to see my face because I hadn't looked at her the
entire session. I never noticed it before, but I guess I don't
look at people in the eye when I'm talking one on one with them.
I didn't look at her like she asked me too because it's so hard.
Anybody else have this problem? I'll pay more attention to it and
try to stop doing it from now on.
My mom set up the baby's crib and everything for when it's born.
I still can't imagine actually having a baby in the house. I fear
that I will become envious for it's child hood. My therepist says
that I was kind of cheated out of my early childhood. I guess I
feel that way too. I'm always wanting to be little but too scared
to be. It's going to be strange having a little one in the house.
I'm not a very good role model for her. My mom is always saying
that if the baby see's my room that it will be scarred for life.
My room is very dark and creapy. That kind of hurt because one of
my fears is being a bad role model for my new baby sister. I
don't want to hurt her in anyway. I want her to feel secure and
loved.
I smell something good cooking in the kitchen. See ya.
--
Brother's anger results in a hole in the wall - 3/16/2000
Dear Diary,
Is it greedy of me to not want my brother seeing my therapist? My
mother said that she wanted to get him to start seeing her
because of his anger. I'd feel very unconfortable shareing a
therapist because...I don't know; I just don't want to share her.
Hehe. I sound like a child fighting over a candy bar. After
school today, my brother and I got into an argument about
something. My brother called me an A##hole, so I pulled the phone
line he was on. He then threw this can at me, only it missed and
hit the wall. There is this huge hole in the wall now. I was
thinking, if that hit and left a hole, it would have done a lot
to my head, which was inches away. He really does have anger
problems. Anyway, my mom is going to be so mad when she sees the
hole, considering this is a brand new appartment that we don't
own.
Well, I don't have much to say tonight so I shall be going.
--
Update on brother's violence + **THEME OF THE WEEK* - 3/17/2000
Dear Diary,
Finally Friday. Thank Goddess! Yesturday I wrote about how my
brother got angry and threw something at me resulting a whole in
the wall. Well, after my mother got home, she was furious at my
brother. It wasn't so much the whole that made her mad, but
rather, it was how the whole got there. He had been angry and
turned that anger into violence. Both my mother and I have been
in violent home with violent men, and she says she fears that he
will grow up continueing this violence and abuse his wife or
children. I care for my brother, though we fight most of the
time, and I hope that this doesn't happen. This makes me feel
guilty for still not wanting to share a counsolor. He couldn't
always get a different one, though. he does need help before it
gets to bad; before he kills somebody.
THEME OF THE WEEK
If I could change one day in my entire life, I admit it would be
the day that I convinced myself that I couldn't share my emotions
with anybody; that I had to do everything perfect and that I was
wierd. I'm not sure when that day was; it must have been, as my
therepist would say, before I had words. With this day, taken out
of my life like a book, I think that I would be a different
person than I am now. Maybe I would be internally happy, find the
best in my self and people around me, and maybe I would feel
normal and that I could share my feelings with others. However,
because this day can't be torn out, for what is written and shall
ever remain, I am working on starting a new page. So far, I have
come far along. I'm opening up more, and finding positive aspects
of life. I know it may not sound like it for most of my entries
here are negative, but if I began writeing this a year ago, you'd
see that I've come a long way. Anyway, that's what I would have
to change if I could change one thing of my life.
--
Why can he make my mom happy and not me??? - 3/18/2000
Dear Diary,
I'm begining to dislike my mother's boyfriend. He's a great guy
and all, but I feel like he doesn't like my brothers and I. Last
night at the dinner table, he made some nasty remarks -- well, I
being so sensitive, found them nasty. They hurt me, not so much
because of what he said, but because he said them. My mom stuck
up for him like she always does. It seems sometimes that she
loves him more than she loves us. When he says something, she
agrees with him every time. It just hurts because he is able to
make my mother happy, and I am not; I was never able to. People
may not think that I should feel the way I do or that I am just
being a spoiled whine ass, but I can't help the way I feel. Maybe
I am a little jealous, but I can't help that.
I'm going to a friend's for the day because I want to get out of
the house. My mom's boyfriend is going to pick up his daughters.
Maybe I'll stay the night at my friends and spare my self some
unconfortableness ( if that's a word ) and saddness.
Well, good bye for now.
--
I got out of the house and feel much better - 3/18/2000
Dear Diary,
I'm not tired tonight, so I thought I'd drop a few lines here.
Well, I'm feeling better than I was earlier today. I guess
getting out of the house for a little while and hanging out with
some friends revived me. I had a lot of laughs with them today.
My mom's boyfriend's daughters are here. Actually, I don't feel
quite as unconfortable with them tonight as I usually do. Maybe
this is a start. Well, sorry this is such a sort entry,but I'm
going to get going. I just wanted to update that I am feeling
better.
--
Friend was raped and appointment with therepist - 3/21/2000
Dear Diary,
Today I had a half day and I feel rested.
I'm not quite as mad at my mother's boyfriend anyore. It still
bothers me at times that he makes comments that aren't really
meant for him to say. I guess I am still getting used to him
living here. It's been a year already, but it all happened to
fast and it's just hitting me.
Last night I had another appointment with my therepist. I feel as
though I am getting closer to her. I'm letting her into my
feelings more and more. That's kind of scary, but it's nice to
share those things which are hard. I've told her things that I
thought I'd never tell anybody. My therepist has toys and games
in her room because she has a lot of children clients. While we
were talking, I got a sudden urge to play with blocks. Where it
came from, I don't know. She didn't have any blocks, but she's
going to get me some. I want to be little because I never really
got a chance to be little. It will be nice to be able to
"Play." Nobody will know but her, and I trust her more
than I trust anybody.
I got some bad news today. One of my friends, who's off at
college, was raped. I got so angry hearing this news. Whoever did
that to her better hope to god he stays away from her because
many people are very very angry at him.
WEll, I am off.
--
fight with mom makes a strong person cry... Psych - 3/22/2000
Dear Diary,
My mom and I got into yet another fight last night. Well, it
wasn't really a "fight" concidering she was the only
one yelling. I wasn't saying anything because personally, I don't
even know what I did. I guess I sort of resent her for changing
my life upside down. It's not her fault, but it still hurts and I
guess it comes out wrong. Anyway, I went to bed at 8:00 PM last
night because I couldn't handle her telling me that she was
discusted with me and that it was because of me that she didn't
move out of state when she wanted to. She doesn't understand that
it hurts me when she says those sort of things because I am
holding her back from things she wanted to do. Anyway, I got into
bed, wrapped around the covers, held a teddy bear tightly and
cried. I am a strong person. I do NOT cry. Until last year, I
hadn't cried in many many years. Then one day I just broke down.
I cried until my pillow was damp. Why does it have to hurt so
much inside?
My mom is on her way home because she needs to take me to this
psychiatrist. He gives my medications and stuff. My mom said that
he should change my medication becaues I am always mopeing
around. She mopes more than me.
Later, some friends are supposed to come over. I hope they do
because I can't stay here all day with my mother.
--
I met Dave Pelzer, author of"A Child Called It" -
3/25/2000
Dear Diary,
Back around December I read David Pelzer's books entitled,
"A Child Called It," and "The lost Boy." In
case you haven't read them, they are the true story of a boy who
was severely abused by his mother from ages 4 to 12. At 12,
social services, and his teachers got him out of his home because
he was half dead. He then lived in foster care until the age of
18, when he joined the Air Force. Dave Pelzer, the author of the
books, is the actual boy. After I read his books, he instantly
became one of my personal heros. His strength to survive was
amazing. Since reading his books, I wrote him a letter and it got
returned and I followed him on such shows such as Montel Willams.
A couple weeks ago, I found out he was going to be talking at a
near by college. I didn't miss my chance to see him!!!!! When I
saw him, and he wasn't crowded by people, I went over to him and
talked to him for a minute. I told him how much he meant to me.
He gave me a hug. I know I will never forget that hug for as long
as I live. The two hours he talked, I was filled with emotions of
all sorts. He was hillarius, and at times everybody laughed until
water filled their eyes. Other times, sadness came. Over all, I
was inspired. Inspired by his strength to live, inspired by his
strenght to help others, and enspired by his careing, sensitive,
strong attitude. He doesn't let the abuse he was subjected to
stand in his way. ( by the way, he was the third worst abuse case
in the state of California. ) I'm still warm and happy inside
from getting a chance to meet one of my few personal heros. I can
still feel his arms wrapped around me in a hug to give me hope.
If any of you haven't read his books, I hightly reccomend it.
He's the strongest most inspireing man I have ever met.
--
I have choices... Throw away the excuses! - 3/28/2000
Yesterday, at my session with my therapist, I discovered
something. I said something about my mother making me mad. My
therepist then replied that she didn't make me mad, but rather,
that I allowed myself to get mad. See, she says that I have
choices. I have choices about the way I feel. I have the choice
to feel angry at my mother, or to calm down, go over the
situation, and come to other conclusions. It's a great feeling to
realize that I have choices. Nobody can make you do anything,
except on some rare occations, such as death. Nobody can make you
shoot up, have sex, do bad in school, get into a fight, kill
yourself, feel sad or sleep all day. I've realized that I haven't
been taking control of my life. I let everybody else decide
things for me or I blaim other people or circumstances on the way
I feel or do. Nobody can make me feel anything and nobody can
make me do anything. Every choice has a consequence, be it good
or bad. People have to quit blaiming others for thier problems.
Even though circumstances may be rough, you don't need to go out
and get stoned or lay in bed all day. If you do, that's your
choice and the blaim can't be put on anybody besides yourself. It
feels great to finally realize that I have CHOICES. Nobody can
MAKE me feel a certain way or MAKE me do anything I don't want
to. My life is mine. I'm in control of it-not my friends, not my
parents.
I have a long road ahead of me, and I suspect that I will
probably get low, and perhaps even cut myself in the future, but
at least now I know it's nobody besides my own doing. That if I
want to get better, I have to DECIDE to. Nobody else can get
better for me.
--
Friend's tough exterior isn't authentic. - 3/30/2000
Dear Diary,
Well most of the day went well. 8th period, however, I was
talking to a friend. She had the look on her face that she always
gets when she's in deep thought or upset about something. Then
she just broke out crying. The bell rang for class and I was
still in the hall way so I decided I would just bring her to the
guidence office. Her guidence counsolor wasn't there, so we sat
for about 10 minutes. The whole time she cried on my shoulder.
The lady in the guidence office told me that I had to go back to
class. I found that pretty heartless concidering my friend was in
dispair and crying on my shoulder. She signed me out a pass
without even asking my name. I guess she knew it because I was in
the guidence office so much last year. Then I left my friend,
crying and alone. I felt horrible. I'm very worried about her. I
worry about her more than I worry about any other of my friends
because she is so confused and sensitive. Her other friends don't
know the sensitive side of her because she hides it through her
dark make up, dog chains, and black clothes. I've seen her
sensitive side.
--
Dependent upon guys for self love? - 3/31/2000
Dear Diary,
Let me first begin by saying that my friend from my previous
entry is feeling better. ( at least she says she is and acts like
she is.) I feel so very bad for her because she's so confused
about her life right now. She's so dependent upon her boyfriend,
that if he gets mad at her, she feels worthless. I try to get her
to realize that she is a great person and that she doesn't need
her boyfriend to feel good. She doesn't realize it, though. One
day she is going to become to dependent with the wrong guy.
--
My sister's long road. What? A drug dealer? - 4/2/2000
Dear Diary,
I stayed the night at my sister's yesterday. It was nice seeing
her. My heart still weeps everytime I think about how fast she's
going to have to really grow and how much she has going against
her. Her boyfriend was gone most of the day with some friends and
his friends sister. His friend's siter has a crush on my sister's
boyfriend, and this bothers my sister. She started crying when
her boyfriend came home because she feels like he's spending more
time with his friends sister than with her. My sister is very
sensitive and that added with her wild hormones from being
pregnant will make one cry over everything. It hurt me to see her
hurt. It hurts me to see her having so much responsibility and so
very little to work with. I am here for her, though. I felt her
baby move again. It's so amazing.
My sister's boyfriend is trying to hook me up with his friend.
Though he seems to be a nice guy, I'm afraid to get involved with
anybody at this point in my life. I'm trying to work on myself
right now. Also, I guess something deep down inside of me, is
still afraid of guys and what they might do to me or how they
might hurt me. My sister's boyfriend didn't hassle me too much
about it because my sister said that she didn't want me meeting
him because he will just get me into trouble. I guess he's a drug
dealer and gets into a lot of trouble. Also, he is very depressed
and cuts himself. For some reason, my sister thinks that it will
trigger me to keep cutting myself.
I'm not feeling too well right now. My therapist says that you
can physically feel when you are sad, anxious, nervous, and
angry. Chemicals are released to a part of your body and gives
you pain. I get head aches and stomach aches. That's what I have
now, so I am wondering if I am upset about something but not
aware of it. Maybe I'm just getting sick. Good night.
Don't want to lose my therepist... My session. - 4/3/2000
Dear Diary,
I had an appointment with my counsolor today. I really think I'm
begginning to care for her too much. It seem like whenever an
adult pays attention or cares about me, I become so obsessed with
them and so afraid to lose them. Anyway, about my appointment.
Today, we talked about how I always get extreamily nervous and
scared in certain situations. I become so scared and nervous that
my stomach will hurt, my head will pound and I will have trouble
breathing. She tells me that I should ask myself "What is
the worst thing that could happen?" when I come to a
situation that scares me. Often, we get scared of things that
aren't realistic. For example, you might be afraid to drive your
first time on the road. It would be unrealistic that Your going
to drive off a bridge. That is, of course, if you drive safely.
I'm going to try her meathod because I'm so sick of being sick
all the time because of my nerves.
After my appointment today, my therepist was looking at some of
my mother's sonagrams ( spelling? ) She seems so excited about
the baby. What scared me though was that my therepist said I was
making a lot of progress and that after the baby is born, I could
take a break from therepy. This brings me back to the fear of
losing people. I'm so scared of losing my therepist. She says I'm
making progress and that scares me because that means I won't be
seeing her anymore. I need her. I don't feel safe without her. I
know that my therepy will have to end eventually, but I don't
want it to... at least not now. I really need her. What would be
the worst thing about losing my therepist- I would feel so
utterly lonely.
On the upper note, my mom thinks she's going to have the baby
early. She has less than a month left, but she usually has kids
early. I was a month early.
My FATHER made me realize that I had to grow up. - 4/4/2000
Is there a time in my life when I think I became an adult? This
is a tough question and I have found myself putting a lot of
thought into it.
Ever since I was a very little girl, I have been mature for my
age. My friends used to tell me that I was "Too mature"
because I didn't want to do a lot of the things that typical
older children do. I began to let go a little bit because I
didn't want to push all my friends away. Inside I still feel the
same--quite old.
Perhaps a reason for my feeling so old has to do with my family
structure. For example, I have always been "the parent"
in my father's case. He was always drinking and getting high, and
I was always trying to think of ways to help him. Rather than he
trying to protect me durring my childhood, I found myself
silently trying to help HIM.
Another factor of my feeling old can be after my mother started
working when I was in fourth grade. Though I had a baby sister,
she didn't really do very much besides watch tv and swim in the
pool. I, in guilt that my mother had to work all day, cleaned the
house spotless everyday for my mother. I found myself also trying
to parent my brothers. For years this went on, and is still going
on.
I think the moment that I actually realized that I had to be the
adult was when I was about 9 years old. My father, my sister, my
father's girlfriend, and me were going to an amusment park. It
was a long drive there and my father stopped to store the entire
way there to get beer to drink while he was driveing. This scared
me. Then, when we got to the hotel, my father and his girlfriend
left the hotel room and went to a bar. My sister and I were left
in a hotel room in a town we didn't even know by our self. They
were gone all night. This is when it finally sunk in that I had
to be the adult because my father sure wasn't and my mother,
well, she was an adult, but... I can't find the words to explain
it.
Okay, sorry this rambled on, but it was a good THEME Of the WEEK
and provoked a lot of thought.