http://eqi.org, http://stevehein.com
Some more of Nicole's diary - explaining her suicide attempt
10/7/04 10/7/2004
In the hospital for about a month in a half. Now living in a
half way house.
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I don't feel very inspired to write in this diary anymore.
It just seems like such a part of my past that I want to put away
somewhere....I don't want to forget entirely the past...just put
it in a place where I can come back too it in a little while.
Somebody asked how I ended up in the half way house...Well, as I
sit here in the library, I stare at the computer
screan...thinking that exact question...how DID I end up where I
am today. Is it a bad thing? good thinkg? Or, maybe I shouldn't
place judgment...just...accept it.... too tired to fight mostly.
Well, the reason I am in the half way house.
Back in late July, I was feeling very suicidal, and very scared
of what I might do. I DIDN'T want to hurt myself, but didn't
trust myself, so, I called 911...I didn't know what too do. I
spent two weeks in the hospital, and was released with five
different kinds of "happy pillls" that they like to
perscribe...depakote, aterax, trizodone, klonopin, seriquil,
trileptal... okay, so, there were 6 differen't medications!
I was out of the hospital for only about four days. I still felt
so depressed that I could barely move. All i could manage to do
was smoke pot. it was the only thing that was keeping me alive.
Sitting there, stoned, depressed, lonely, and scared of my future
as hell, I decided that there was no point in even trying
anymore. I mean, who wouold help me? the hospital? I just got out
of there a few days prior.
I felt hopeless...so, I planned my suicide.
I took an entire bottle of kolonopin....(i was persribed to take
HALF of a pill and I took an entire bottle of maybe 20 or pills.)
Then, I took bottle of aterax and a bunch of seriquil and
trileptal. That, surely, was enough to kill me. I didn't want to
die in the house though. I wanted to be found somewhere pretty,
so, I began to walk to this hidden place where nobody would see
until I was already dead and it had a pretty ceinery.
Apparently, I hadn't a clue how fast the drugs would hit me, for,
I never made it to that place...I can't really remember
anything....until I woke up in the Intensive Care Unity a few
days later.
I had know clue was going on. I had IV's in me and was connected
to a couple of machines. I had a cathadore in me. I barely
remember the ICU. I guess I kept going unconcious on and off.
Then, a day came where I can remember...the drugs must have been
out of my sistem now. some lady took me to the shower and
basically watched me.
that night, I would go BACK to the mental Health Unity that I was
JUST sent home from five days prior. They had me sit in this
wheele chair to being me to the icu. They always do that...I
don't really understand why I can't walk in.
I didn't want to go back there, so, the minuet we got off the
elevator, I got up and bolted. My f:cking hospital nightgown was
to long, though, and I slipped and fell onto the hospital floor
befor I made it anywhere. the secuirity guard grabbed me and sort
of held me as he pushed me.
I did try too escape again...I made it aall the way from the
fourth floor to the parking lot...Embarresingly, I was caught my
a food nutrisionist. He held me had I struggled to get away. I
was strong for him and he was yelling for security for help. The
secuirty pinned me to the ground. That made me panic...pinnned
down...flashback. once again, I was wheeled into the mhu. I spent
the next month and a half the hospital...everyday, more meds, 3
minuet sessions with psychiatrists, boring groups about anger,
assertivness...bla bla bla.
that's all for now..
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12/5/04 12/5/2004
I am two weeks clean. That seems to be the time that I go back
too using, but, Im going to stop this time. Serenity to except
the things I can not change The courage to change the things I
can And the wisdom to know the difference Is this quote really
applyable to people in "recovery?" Should ever except
that something can't be change. Or, should they fight and fight
and fight trying? What if something...just is... I've been asking
myself these questions lately. Courage to change the things I
can...that is a big one. I know that I have lacked the courage to
change things in my life. So many times in my life I should have
stood up for myself. I should have said,"No," Or made
better choices. I shouldn't have been such a push over towards
such people...mother...ect. Wisdom to know the difference. Yeah,
It is important to be able to know when something is
just...almost impossible to change, and when something really is
possible.... I don't know...just some thoughts. Im still living
at the half way house. I have a really cool primary counselor at
the house. The ONLY cool counselor in the house. He's the most
layed back. H eonly works on weekends, but, unlike the week day
people, he treats you with respect. He jokes around with you,
talks to you and really listens, and makes us breakfast! lol.
Yesturday, his wife brought his kids in. They are cuties. I was
kind of jealous seeing him playing with the 15 month year old and
the seven year old. I'll always have the sence of jealousy when I
see a father or mother playing with their kids like that. I will
have to just...except it...except the things I can not change. I
can't change my past and make my father be the person I wanted
him to be when I wanted him to be. Anyhow.. I've been writing a
lot about my experiences in the hospital...all three times in the
hospital. I've been writing about my experiences in the half way
house-good and bad. I'm really trying to dig into my child hood
and figure things out...work through everything. I go to coffee
shop, which has been redone as a internet cafee. I love the
place. The eccentrics go there. For awhile, while I"m there,
I forget that I am in nowhere plattsburgh. Can a person ever be
nowhere? I'll end with that question...really, can they?
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I'm at the center, a place where I am supposed to recieve "treatment" three days a week. I suppose I am supposed to be in a group at the moment. According to my schedual, I am supposed to be in a DR (Dual Recovery Anger Managment group.) Instead, I decided to skip the group and take the opportunity to write here, since, I never have the chance.
Things are hectic. I am changing as a person quite a bit, yet, I am still the same. Does that make sence? I suppose it will confuse a person?
I am still living at the half way house. I am learning a lot about human nature there. I am learning so much about people. People tell me their stories. I hear about their life's, their problems, the conflics they faced in the past and how they affect the present and continue to hurt the future. I can, for the first time, relate to people. I don't feel like a freak. These people relate to me.
This new guy moved into the house about a month ago. We've hit it off pretty good. He's 25, yet, far ahead of his time. His life has lead him in many directions that provided him with experiences out of the ordinary.
I'm going to his mother's house for the weekend with him. That's exciting.
College is going okay. I'm only taking two classes at a community college. It seems like a good experience.
I'm looking into different ways that I can travel to brazil. The guy that I mentioned above wants to do some travelling in South America as well, so, that is a plus.
I read this interesting quote. "Life isn't the destination, it's the voyage." I don't know where I'll end up, but, as long as the voyage is exciting and productive, who cares where I end up?