Steve's Personal Page
Steve's Page on Emotional Intelligence
Some emails from Nicole to me from around 2001, when she was 17
------
Hey Special Friend,
(((((((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUGSSSSSSSSSSSS)))))))))))))
My eyes are all teary eyed when I think about what they put you
through...that they humiliated you and made you feel so hurt
inside. I wish
I could be there to give you a giant hug.
I don't understand why they gave you so much trouble
either.
Geez, I wish so so badly that I was with you
right now...if you can or want too, you can call me tonight or
whenever. I
really don't care anymore about my mother saying anything to
me...it doesn'
matter much...I kind of feel more free from her the last couple
of days.
It scares me that you feel suicidal. Like how suicidal, 1-10, do
you feel???
Please try to hang on, Steve...please... (tears are dripping down
my face
now...) I hope this doens't make you feel bad that I am
crying...I am crying
because of them and how they hurt you and keep hurting you...Your
honesty
doesn't hurt me, steve...Please always be honest with me and not
hide what
you are feeling for fear of me being sad? I care about you so
much, Steve. I
don't want to loose you becuase of them...That would even sort of
be giving
them all of the power...letting them destroy you...
I really hope that you don't give up. please don't give up on
something that
you love, Steve...It is too important... I hope that I don't
sound like I am
telling you what to do or anything, because that isn't what I am
trying to
do...
....
Everyone has their flaws...( and I know you aren't
perfect...nobody is! You wrote something in
an Email to me saying that you weren't perfect.) but you are
special, unique,
caring, sensitive...I think sometimes it is hard for people like
me and you
because we are so sensitive. We are hurt easily...But being
sensitive, Steve,
I think, is a good thing. It helps us to see people better...who
they are
inside...
...
I know that you aren't as inspired right now, but I am...!
No matter what it
takes, Steve, I am going to do something about these things! I
hope to have
your help, guidence, inspiration along the way, Steve, but I
guess I will
have to do what I have to do!
I care about you bunches Steve! I almost want to hitch hike there
right
now to give you a hug and tell you that I understand and that I
wish there
was something that I could do to help the pain a little less...
I hope that you feel better... And Steve, if you do decide that
you want to
do something, please call me first...even if it is to say
good-bye...It gives
me chills writing that and I hope that it doens't happen, but I
will be here.
((((((hugs))))))
love you bunches and bunches
Nicole
P.S. Remember when you jumped into the tractor? lol, you had a
youthful ness
to you...a strong and adventurous spirit...
Okay, well I am going to go have a cucumber standwhich now,
lol. When you
eat those, remember that I care...
oh, and if you want to call me today or whenever, feel free
too...nobody is
even home right now, but even if they do come home, I don't
care...! they
probably won't be home until late. If you need to talk, though,
please don't
hesitate...
----
You have such wonderful ideas and your eqi.org site truely is
inspirational. I think
the things you are doing are great and will benefit many
people...
Keep writing so that others can read... and learn.
----
Haven't seen you writing anything new lately. Hope you keep
writing. I love to read
your entires. They are always so thoughtful.
----
Every time I read one of your E-Mails, it makes me smile and
feel good
inside. You actually make me feel as though I am special and as
though I do
have potential in my life. Thank you for that, and I am also glad
that I help
you in some ways.
--
Hope you feel better yourself. I worry about you! Go
out, meet some new
people. Maybe you will find some girl who appreciates what you
are trying to
do!
---
Oh, and if you ever need any help with anything that you are
trying to do, let me know.
I probably wont be able too help much, but I sure can try!!! Let
me know.
-----
I wanted to tell you my thoughts on this teen writers group
that you are trying to form. I think it is just wonderful. We
need more people in the world. People who truely care about the
actual PERSON inside. I promise, that one day, I will come and
visit you out there. It might not be soon, but I will. Maybe the
summer after I graduate, which is in 2003. Just keep working at
therse goals, and I bet you can accomplish so much. I have faith
in you, Steve and admire you...
----
I believe in what you are trying to do and want to help you and be part of it. I hope that no matter what happens, you don't give up on your work. It's so important to so many people. Even if you think that you aren't helping or impacting the world as must as you would like, try to remember that it won't change over night. Your work is part of the changes that can happen, though. I believe in you...I don't say that to many people.
----
11/2/2001
Remember all of those things I wrote in those notes about
wanting a less intense friendship? Mostly, I said that out of
fear. I think I realized that I was letting other people control
me...my thoughts and fears. I am trying to stop that. Maybe I am
too late to realize because what happened already happened...
I am hesitant to write "love" Nicole because I don't
know how you will feel about it. How do you feel about that???
----
After meeting each other in person
Hey Very Special Friend,
I had written quite a bit, then my computer froze! Dammit! lol.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what happened, which was
nothing! As I
entered our lawn, my mom, her boyfriend and the baby were just
getting out of
the car. My baby sister ran to me and gave my legs great big hugs
=) I asked
my mom if the school called and she said that they did not. I
told her that I
dind't go to school because I was feeling very frustrated and
depressed with
it...and that the incident with M. [her brother] being removed
the house was bothering me
a lot. Now, all of these thigns are true, so I didn't lie. I am
depressed and
frustrated when it comes to school. And, the incident with my
brother is
still bothering me. ANyhow, no fights, no yelling, no
accusations! When I
told her that I didn't go to school, she just said,"Oh,
okay." That was
encouraging becuase I am guessing that she is starting to see
that I am 18
and she can't really do anything about it!
Anyhow, I am REALLY glad that I got to finally meat you in
person. It feels
wierd writing and Email to you now that we have met in person!
What about
you? Anyhow, I was thinking after I got home a lot. You mentioned
a couple
times that you were kind of worried that I might get hurt, for
example, if
you get interested in another girl or something. I was thinking,
that maybe
it would hurt me a little...maybe like only 1 or 2. Mostly,
though, I think
that we will be able to work these things out as they come. I
feel close to
you and confident that things will work out as they go along.
Maybe we will
feel close, intiment or whatever this summer...maybe thigns will
then change
again...I understand that we both have needs, though, that change
or that
can't be met by one person, or that one person may no longer be
able to fill.
I respect and understand that. I am glad that you were so
upfront with this
issue today, though. It made me feel respected and cared
about and trust you.
Anyhow, meeting you even further inspired me. I can't wait to get
to work.
You asked me what I felt most inspired to work on right now.
Mostly, I feel
inspired on the idea for the book with teenager's
stories..."Crying myself to
sleep is a GREAT idea for a title. I think that it
will capture many people's attention...alow teenagers to know
that they aren't
alone and realize what is happening to them, and also, educate
their
teachers on what is happening to the kids and that things need to
change. I
am going to start talking to people...asking them if they've been
hit, ect..
Document some of these things... Yeah, there's so much to do and
I can tell
that it overwhelms you! I guess we just have to work on what is
the most
important to us...one thing at a time, one person at a time. Know
what I
mean?
Well, I am going to get going now. Thanks again for coming to see
me. I had a
nice time. (((((big hugs)))))
Nicole, Nikki, lol
P.S I can't believe that I forgot to say this when you were here,
but I guess
our big monster hugs said it...Anyhow, better late then never,
"Love ya
special friend!"
===
--
After we met for the first time:
... Anyhow, I am REALLY glad that I got to finally meat you in
person. It feels
weird writing and Emailing to you now that we have met in person!
What about
you? Anyhow, I was thinking after I got home a lot. You mentioned
a couple
times that you were kind of worried that I might get hurt, for
example, if
you get interested in another girl or something. I was thinking,
that maybe
it would hurt me a little...maybe like only 1 or 2. Mostly,
though, I think
that we will be able to work these things out as they come. I
feel close to
you and confident that things will work out as they go along.
Maybe we will
feel close, intimate or whatever this summer...maybe things will
then change
again...I understand that we both have needs, though, that change
or that
can't be met by one person, or that one person may no longer be
able to fill.
I respect and understand that. I am glad that you were so
upfront with this
issue today, though. It made me feel respected and cared
about and trust you.
Nov 11, 2001
Steve,
I feel closer to you tonight than I think I ever have. How are
you feeling?
I am really glad that we talked befor you left to Austriallia.
Even if we
don't talk again before you leave, it's okay. I feel good about
everything we
talked about. I feel really good that I was so honest with my
mother.
When I said that I loved you as a person today, you sort of
joked,"Well, Iam
glad that you don't love me as a dog ) lol. I suppose I
added the "person"
part because I'm not sure how I love you. I just know that I do
love you...as
a friend and a little romantically, I have to admit. I suppose I
feel sort of
guilty for have romantic feelings for you. Society says that it's
wrong, but
I don't feel that it's wrong. Age shouldn't matter if two people
truely bond.
If I was 12, it would be a different story. I understand that
people grow and
change, though, and I don't know how long these feelings will
last. You asked
if I would feel jealous if I ever worked with you and you met
somebody.
Yes, I would probably feel a little jealous and hurt, but I
understand that
people change and grow as they meet new people. Mainly, I just
want for you
to be truely happy with yourself and your life. You are a great
person with
so many dreams. You deserve happieness and love. I would hope
that whatever
happens between us ( whatever it's nothing or something
) that we will
still remain friends. Our friendship is important to me. I
relaly do care
about...in a way that I don't think I've cared about anyone else.
How does
that make you feel?
As I think that I am going to school tomorrow, I get sort of
depressed. I
don't want to be here, but at the moment, I feel trapped her. I
can't wait to
leave. I'm feeling like I definetly want to do something drastic
when I turn
18. You asked me how I would feel if I woke up one morning and
was in
Austrialia with you. I think that I wouldn't be able to control
my excitement
and happiness! What keeps me here then? I will beat this fear! I
have to!
I'm going to continue writing...in my personal journals, online
journals, note
books. I will send them to you. I believe in what you are trying
to do and
want to help you and be part of it. I hope that no matter
what happens, you
don't give up on your work. It's so important to so many people.
Even if you
think that you aren't helping or impacting the world as must as
you would
like, try to remember that it won't change over night. Your work
is part of
the changes that can happen, though. I believe in you...I don't
say that to
many people.
You said something that made me think earlier. You said,"
I've never felt
this way about someone I've never met before." I feel that
way too. I'm kind
of confused. Are you confused? What are you thinking so far as
you read this?
( haha, do I sound like you with all of these questions ) hehe.
Well, I am going to go now...
xoxo
Nicole
Hey Steve,
Sorry I took off in such a rush earlier. THis is what happened.
Well, after my brother gave directions to the police to get his
girlfriend,
my brother flipped out and went to run to his girl friend and
warn her. Well,
the police weren't able to find his girl friend and my brother,
though they
stayed in the same place!
Well, my brother and his girlfriend were gone until about 10:30.
Since, the
phone died, my mom went to use the pay phone to call my brother's
girl
friend's mother to see if the police brought her home. Well, as
she was doing
that, she saw my brother and his girl friend walking home. So, my
brother
and his girl friend came back here.
Befor my mom gave her a ride home, I was talking to her. I told
her that if
she ever needed to talk to me, I would be here. Also, I told her
if she
wanted to run away again, come over here and I would hide her in
my closet,
lol. Or, at least tell me where she's going so we won't have to
worry.
I also asked her about her step dad, who she said was afraid he
would come
back.( He tried to rape her awhile ago. He doesn't live with them
now. I told
her that if he tried to come back, call the police. Since she has
a
restraining order against him, if he comes around her, he can get
in trouble..
My mom brought her home...everything should be back to normal
again...
What a night. It's to bad I had to keep rushing out on you.
My mom kept
yelling that I was on the net because someonemight try to
call...that, and I
am ALWAYS on. lol.
It was gret talking to you!
Hope you feel better yourself. I worry about you! Go out,
meet some new
people. Maybe you will find some girl who appreciates what you
are trying to
do!
Nikki