From Macho to Mindful - Steve Hein
(Note- I did not select this title! The publisher did.)
Isolation. Loneliness. Sadness. Pain. These are common feelings for all of us, but perhaps especially so for the sensitive, single male in today's society. Speaking for myself, I know I often feel very alone, isolated, and misunderstood. I don't fit most popular stereotypes of a man which include sports, drinking, power, competition, control, ego gratification and sexual conquests.
By sharing my personal journey with you in this article, it is my desire that I help men feel less alone, while offering a few resources for learning about themselves. Women may also see another side of men after reading this and perhaps understand us better. In particular, this article shares my discoveries on men's issues in America, something which was an unexpected by-product of a personal quest to understand myself.
The real growth in my life began several years ago when I went through a painful and costly separation. I felt angry , bitter and victimized. My counselor suggested I read Fire in the Belly, by Sam Keen. It was a book for men, about men. It took a historical, social and emotional look at the changing role of men in society. The book offered me a new insight into to my life, my father's life, and our relationship.
This was the first of many books I read which helped me through my difficult times. I read other books about men, including Knights Without Armor, by Aaron Kipnis, and The Flying Boy, by John Lee. I listened to cassette tapes by poet Robert Bly, who some call the father of the men's movement in America.
Listening to him express his pain, I began to get in touch with my own. Gradually, I became interested in men's issues. I attended conferences, seminars and workshops on anger, violence, gangs and domestic violence. I dedicated over one year of my life almost full time to working on myself, and to studying the place of men in American society. I attended 12-step meetings and support groups. I shared my story with other men and I listened to theirs.
As a result of my work, I decided part of my life's mission would be to make a positive difference in men's lives. I formed my own men's support group. I also prepared and taught several courses for men as continuing education courses.
Quickly I realized that an important part of men's work is identifying the qualities of positive role models for young men, since the need for such role models is so critical. Many, if not most, well-known males do not embody life-enhancing, pro-social values. Rather they reflect our society's emphasis on looks, money, muscles and winning.
The authors mentioned above converge on a common definition of the elusive "ideal man". Of course, each person is unique, so any attempt at defining an ideal must be kept in perspective, but the effort does seem worth attempting.
High on the list of desirable qualities are honesty, integrity, personal responsibility, courage and conviction.
The authors believe that the strength of men should be used in life- giving ways, not life taking. I share this belief. I also believe that if we taught just these values to our children, both male and female, our society would benefit enormously.
Added to the list are compassion, determination, perseverance, respect for nature, and leadership.
While acknowledging that men and women share many natural abilities, these authors believe men and women are, and should be, different. I agree. I believe nature intended for us to be different. I believe we would serve each other better by acknowledging and honoring our differences, rather than by attempting to make us identical. The book, Brain Sex, by Anne Moir provides a compelling argument for such a mutual respect of our differences.
When attempting to analyze why men are so far from the ideal, often cited is the lack of quality time that fathers are spending with their sons. They discuss how the sons used to work closely, literally side by side with the father. In some cultures young boys are still taken out of the village and nurtured by the elders of the community. Such age-old rights of passage are lacking in our society. American boys grow into men's bodies without the teaching, modeling, maturity, wisdom, life-skills and self-esteem needed for the challenges of adulthood and intimate relationships.
Fathers now tend to work in offices, often in work which holds little intrinsic value to them. Sons see their fathers come home stressed, irritable, and non-communicative, according to Bly. I know this was the case in my family. I did not even know what my father did at work until I was a teenager. I just knew he left anxious about being late each morning and returned, more often than not, in an irritable mood. Such a situation produces fear and anxiety in children.
In Fire in the Belly, Keen says that a man should be concerned first with finding himself, second with finding a partner. He says if a man ever gets these two out of order, he is in trouble. Speaking from my own experience and observation, many men mistakenly think that finding the right partner will be the solution to their problem. We search for some one to love us, to baby us, to give us the unconditional love and acceptance that we needed as children. These unmet emotional needs have destroyed a tragic number of relationships, often affecting children as well.
In my classes I teach how men are particularly good at self-destructing their most significant relationships. I cite the work of Ken Keys, the author of The Power of Unconditional Love and John Gray, best selling author of Men are From Mars. We have been taught many counter- productive habits, values and beliefs. For example, we've been taught to be tough, analytical, and independent.
We have also been taught, according to Keen, that it is more acceptable to display anger than sadness or any other "feminine" trait . He correctly states that when "feminine" qualities are exhibited in a boy, his peers would attack him viscously. To be an unmasculine male is the worst crime a boy can commit. Such behavior brings forth a hurtful shower of gender-based labels including woman, wussy, pansy, sissy and much worse.
Such behavior leads men to dysfunctional self-images and beliefs, such as the belief that it is better to repress feelings, or to only express them as anger.
In my own life, some of my self-defeating habits included: anger, fear, need for control, jealousy, insensitivity, manipulation, just to name a few. It proved useful to me to trace the roots of these behaviors back to my child rearing. I had many strained conversations and confrontations with my mother as I searched for causes of the low self- esteem which, I am convinced, directly led to my failure in relationships. My father died several years before I began this trail of discovery. I regret that I learned what I have so late. I would have liked to have shared more with my father, I would have liked to get to know him on a deeper level. And to have him get to know me better.
I see things now that I didn't see before. My awareness is much higher. I have much more information now. With information comes power, and with power comes responsibility. So I now feel a sense of responsibility to share what I have learned. Thus, teaching has become the dominant part of my personal mission.
For men that are currently struggling, I would suggest joining some type of support group or personal growth group. Or attending some of the 12-step programs, even if only to listen. I would recommend any of the authors I have mentioned, as well as David Burns, Scott Peck, Wayne Dyer, John Bradshaw and Steve Covey.
I have found that there are fewer resources for men than women. And even fewer for heterosexual men than gay men. Try to find the men's studies section in the book store. Call an information and referral service and ask for the resources for heterosexual men-- you will be told there aren't any.
I was advised by a therapist that there are no services specifically for straight men because we won't use them. How sad. Fortunately, however, there are books and tapes available. And though the work is difficult, uncomfortable, and scary, there are benefits to be gained. For example, I much prefer to have the wisdom I have gained, than to remain ignorant. I also know that when I meet a healthy woman, she will appreciate me for my greater sense of self. I also believe that as men who are in touch with our feelings, we are capable of much more emotional intimacy, and with it a much deeper, more fulfilling and meaningful love.
Copyright 1995 Steve Hein