EQI Hom | Emotionally Abusive Mothers
Lisa, USA
First email
hi steve,
i added you on msn, and thought id send you an email to tell
you who i am so u know im not some crazy stalker or something...
my name is Lisa, i am 15, turning 16 soon, and i live in the usa
i dont really know what im supposed to say, im not suicidal,
seeing as iv never tryed to commit suicide or anything, but i
just think about it constantly, and like i have planned it out in
various different ways.... i dont know... i dont think i would
have the courage to actually do it but i just dont like feeling
like crap about myself all the time, its just not fun....
heres some stuff to know about my life: im a sophomore in high
school, it is a "very good" school, one of those types
where you would probably get beaten up if you didnt end up
graduating with a 3.8 GPA and going to a good school. i am one of
the few that really struggle in school, i pull anything from Ds
to As, but mostly bad grades... the worst in my
family actually... i come from a pretty wealthy family
(up untill recently) my parents got divorced in the winter of my
freshman year, so its been a little over a year since... they
both went bankrubt (sorry, i probably spelled that wrong..) and
our house went into forcloseure. this all happened really fast,
in a matter of months. i have a twin sister and an older brother.
they both get along really well, they are into the same music and
tv shows and stuff, and they have the same friends (because we
arnt to far apart in age), they both get along better with my
mom, and my dad seems to like the same stuff as them too... and
then theres me.. lol.. i like to ride horses, it is the only
thing i am good at, and im not even that good... which is really
sad.. but whatever.. i have 3 best friends, b___, m___, and
jj.... (jj is a guy incase u were wondering) jj and b are dating,
and they are just the perfect couple, i am so jealous of what
they have... and since i have gone through 1/2 of my high school
years never having a boyfriend, it makes me ask myself... what if
there is something wrong with me?... what if i am hideous... what
if i am fat.... what if i am bitchy.... what is wrong with me???
and i just cant figure it out. like b4 i thought like this, i was
content with how i looked, i wasnt like in love with myself but i
didnt think that much about my appearence being bad either. i
have become OBSESSED with my appearence now, my friends get
sooooo sick of me asking them if my legs are too short and fat,
or if my face is ugly, or if my boobs are too small in proportion
to my ass, and whatnot. and like i cant do any of that crazy
dieting because i just suck at everything, so i suck at dieting,
and it just makes me even more mad at myself and then i just hate
myself more... like heres a list of what i hate about my body *my
arms are to skinny, my fingers are too long, my hands are too
big, my legs are short, my calves are too skinny and my thighs
are too fat, my butt is SO big, my neck is too long, i hate
everything about my face, my hair just never looks pretty, my
figure is just weird, idk how to describe it, my stomach is just
disgusting, i need to do situps... and i have this DISGUSTING fat
on the backs of my legs and butt, and idk how to make it go
away!!!* and like all of my friends are like noooo ur sooo
skinny! and i have gone onto a million websights looking at
scales of proportionate body parts and stuff (my legs are 3
inches too short, which sounds like nothing but its a lot) and my
BMI (body mass index) is like 17.3 i think, which is technically
underweight, but that just blows my mind, because i look in the
mirror, and there is no way in hell i am underweight... but
whatever...
i just get so stressed out with school and my looks and my
parents fighting and our money situation, and then i just come
home, get on my computer, and talk to people i meet online and
tell them about how i feel and the stuff i do... which is another
thing.. i meet tons of people online and i can trust them so much
easier than people in real life, like i dont tell my best friends
ANYTHING compared to what i tell these guys, but its because i
dont want to make my real friends worry about me or tell someone
else, because im doing stuff i probably shouldnt be.. but it all
just feels like im sitting in this little sound proof box with
everyone around me outside of the box, and im trying so hard to
tell them about this, but they just dont hear me and dont
understand... and i just want someone to understand and give me a
little credit for... for i dont know what... but i think i do a
good fucking job hiding this from everyone... i have this thing
where i like CAN NOT and WILL NOT cry infront of people, not even
my family, i just dont let myself... the only time i cried
infront of someone was when i was riding the bus home from a band
competition and i was sitting in the dark under a banket next to
m___ and she told me "i know this is going to make me sound
like your mother,but whatever, i just wanted you to know how
proud i am of you, like, you are trying so hard in school and so
hard in band, and with your parents divorce and all, i just know
uv gone through a lot and im just really proud of you" like
even just typing that is making my cry so much, and im trying to
be quiet because my sister is in the next room and my dad is
downstairs...i dont know.. i just want a little sympathy maybe,
like i feel like i have this whole load to carry and no one will
help me :( and i just dont know how to deal with this, i have
like tryed to talk to my guidence counceler at school a few
times, but then its back to that crying thing, and i cant cry
infront of her, so i cant really even talk about much... i just
feel like my whole world is falling apart, andi know that sounds
totally cheesey or whatever, but its so true, i feel like iv been
taken from my home and just put in a place i have never seen
before and i cant get back home... i just wish i could have
someone to talk to that understands me and can give me advice on
how to deal with this stuff... because no matter how much i
pretend everything is ok, nothing is really ok, and nothing is
changing... and yeah, i admit it, i want attention, i want SO
much attention right now it should be a sin.. like i just wish i
could end up in the hospital so i can just sit there and not
think about anything and then have nurses and docs asking me how
i feel... i just wouldnt want my friends to be all worried... but
like... omg... i just dont know what to do with myself, i dont
cut often because i dont want people to worry, but this one time
i did cut, i went to take a bubble bath to calm myself down and
wash up, and i wasnt thinking, then there was that whole warm
water and bleeding thing, where you just dont stop bleeding, and
i ended up passing out but then i woke up a few hours later (the
drain in my bath kindof sucks, sometimes it just like leaks water
out, almost 1/2 as slow as if there was no drain plug at all) and
realized what happened, and by then i stopped bleeding, and i
didnt tell anyone what happened, i just went to sleep and hoped
it would be better in the morning, and it was...
wow.... this has really got to be the longest email i think i
have ever sent before, its like an essay.... you really dont have
to read it all, or even email me back if u dont want to, its ok
id understand
but thanks for ur time,
lisa
after i told her i dont want her to suffer as much as i have...
well thats just part of life, everyone has to go thru it eventually to learn how to keep a good relationship going, i dont like when you say i destroy relationships either, it sounds like im even more heartless than i already am
___ says:
ohh guess what
___ says:
they brought drug dogs into our school today b/c 4/20 is this
weekend, and kids always sell pot at school like the week b4
___ says:
soooo many ppl got busted
It is May 2008 now. L and I have spent a lot of time talking. I used to be online more when she was online but lately I haven't been on. I feel guilty that I haven't spent more time on writing about her and posting our convos and her emails. She deserves and needs more than I can offer her. I thought we might stop talking completely and she might feel resentful and abandoned but she is still writing me and her words still touch me. I just read her first letter again and it nearly brought me to tears. I wish that I could give her the attenion and love she needs. And I wish others could also. I feel inadequate to the job of re-eduacting her about herself and relationships. And under-resourced and under-supported. If I were one of her teachers at a school she was forced to go to I could have a lot more positive influence. Or if she were allowed to spend time with me voluntarily and I also had the time when she did. But this is the best I can do while keeping the rest of my life somewhat in balance. She seems to understand this now and doesn't seem to feel resentful that I don't spend more time talking to her. So I felt moved to post this today....
Here are the last two emails I got from her.
i miss having conversations with you that are actually
stimulating, the people that i have been talking to recently have
just been sortof boring me... im talking to this guy, john, who
keeps saying how he is so much in love with me, which is really
weird because the feeling is definatly not mutual, if its real at
all... but i dont really know what to make of it... quite
honestly i think i would rather spend time with you than him even
tho hes 17 and ur... not 17 :p lets just leave it at that.. but i
think thats because of the way u talk to me, u make me think, and
u make me question myself more than anyone else in the world, and
i have just really realized that the way u make me question
myself is not a bad thing at all, its really good, because it has
made me think more about what i am to this world and it has
actually made me more sure about myself.... so anyway... i hope
to hear from you soon, but i might not respond right away b/c i
broke my laptop so idk when i will be able to get to a computer
again
take care
-lisa
----
i dont have much time to reply, so i will reply to the rest of
this email later, but one part i cant leave alone is how you said
that i have a lot to contribute to the world because i think more
than most people, the only problem with that is that no one else
sees it, everyone thinks im dumber than dirt, and if i ever say
anything even remotly smart sounding everyone has a shit fit and
was like "woah where did that come from??? lisa said
something smart!" like really, how rude can they be? talk
about degrading someone... but anyway, i was also thinking about
how you keep saying u are being so drained because ur needs arnt
being met, and i thought that maybe if u looked at your...
situation... in a different way it might help. im not quite sure
what kind of way that might be, and i had something really smart
to reccomend, but i forgot it now and my computer is almost dead
and w/o a charger
take care
-lisa
May email
ok, im FINALLY getting back to you again about this email,
sorry it has taken literally all week, but unfortionatly my
laptop is still broken and this is the first time i have had
access to the internet (on my brothers computer, so we'll see how
long this lasts lol)
anyway.. again...oh yeah.. this email... im glad u miss talking
to me, i was sortof thinking that u really hated talking to me,
so it made me feel bad that i was like forcing you to... i was
afraid i had turned into just a teen who annoys you lol so if i
ever do turn into that, tell me PLEASE, or just shoot me lol
about the question "why do ppl smoke if they know its
killing them?" i came up with 2 answers so far:
1) they smoke to take the stress out of their life, and maybe
they are so on the edge of a complete mental break down that
smoking takes the edge off of everything just enough to keep them
from going crazy or killing themselves
2) maybe they believe that living a shorter life with less
worries and stress, and feeling better through out that shorter
life is better than living a long life and hating it
(i just thought of this, the most obvious option)
3) maybe they just dont give a rats ass about anything/anyone,
or they are too stopid to believe that smoking really does kill
you?
prom is tomorrow, ____ going w/ her boyfriend, im not going
i think its odd that u feel u need to apologize for something...
even though there is nothing to apologize for... and dont feel
bad that you wernt what i needed, i dont think anyone can be what
i need, maybe im just too much for ppl to handle, like i said in
the beginning....
i wish people were smarter... i think some teenagers today
actually dumb themselves down to look "cool" or
"cute"... i dont really understand that though, it just
makes them look stupid to me, but they dont reallycare what i
think anyway so w/e
hmmm ok, i think thats all i have to say about this email, ill
try to get to a computer if i think about anything else
-Lisa