Laura just went outside. Jerren and I were talking and working
on his web page. She probably felt ignored and unimportant. She
might have wanted to lay down and Jerren and I were on the bed.
So she took a magazine and went outside to read, or supposedly
read. But she didn't really want to read. I know her well enough
now to have a good idea of how she was really feeling. So I went
outside and told her I felt bad and asked if she wanted to come
lay down. She got defensive and impatient and told me she wanted
to be alone. I tried several ways of getting her to tell me how
she really felt but she kept telling me she felt fine. It was
obvious she didn't though. When I tried to hug her she acted
annoyed and impatient. I tried to kiss her and she pulled away. I
offered to bring her something to lay on and she refused that
too. I told her I felt bad and she said "I'm not going back
inside!" Then I said again that I felt bad and she said
"Fine I will go back inside." But I knew that wouldn't
solve anything. She was feeling kind of negative from the kids
who were pretty much out of control. And her period is starting
too. If she would have been able to say "I don't want to
interrupt you and Jerren working, but I'd like to lay down"
or "I feel a little ignored." Then Jerren and I could
have made some adjustments to what we were doing. Jerren is
learning all of this a lot faster than she is. Or maybe he was
less damaged than she was. Or is less emotionally needy. Jerren
quickly realized that if she could just tell us what she needs or
how she really feels then we could work things out. She kind of
expects me to guess at how she is feeling. And often I can, but
then often it is too late and she won't admit that I am right
about what she is feeling. But its more than that because I know
that she feels bad about not being honest. And she probably feels
ashamed thinking that Jerren and I are in here talking about her
and how she is lying about her feelings. And she is probably
judging her own feelings and thinking she is egotistical. Like in
England the parents and teachers really like to use that label to
manipulate the kids and teens.
The other day she wrote some very insightful and honest things
about all of this. She basically admitted she lies about her
feelings. Now Jerren is talking to her. He was afraid to go ask
her how she feels. He just came back. He said she told him she
was fine. He told her he was worried about how she was feeling
and she said "No, I'm fine." Now she just came in and
got some paper and a pencil so maybe she will do some writing.
--
Actually she did some drawing. Then felt better later.
4:20 AM
Laura left me two days ago. She is now in Cajamarca. She left without telling me she was going to leave. This is the second night I have slept alone in the past four months. Last night was really hard. I didn't want to sleep in the cabin. I took two blankets outside and tried to sleep but mostly I just cried and shivered. I had Neil Diamond playing at full volume on inside the cabin so I could hear it outside. I went back inside and let two ND songs play over and over again. I cried more and finally fell asleep, but I kept waking up and crying some more. I cried again when I opened the door of the cabin in the morning. I cried again when I saw a rock that she had found and scratched some art on. She is so creative. I took my computer and started walking. I left around six thirty in the morning. I walked up in to the mountains. I took some butter cookies with me. What they call galletas de vanilla here. I walked and walked. I found one of the spots by a creek that she and I used to go to. I kept walking. I found the underground spring that I showed her the other day. I cried some more. Then I found some shade and I found these acorn type things she used to make into something like little mushroom plants. I cried again. I am almost crying now.
I laid there for a while then saw someone walking on the road. I thought it was an old man carrying something at first. Then I realized it was Jerren with his shirt over his head to block the sun. I whistled but he didn't hear me. So I went up to the road. We saw each other and waved. The closer I got, *tears*, the more my face showed I was ready to cry. He held out his arms and I went to him and we hugged and I cried and cried. I fell down to the ground and kept crying. He put his hand on my shoulder. I'm crying again as I write this. Well, I will write more about it on my Jerren page. But anyhow, I got two or three emails from Laura today, or yesterday really since it is after midnight now. She told me she was also crying and she didn't go to her mother's house. She said she didn't want to upset her family or something like that. She said she needed time to think. She said she didn't like living so much in isolation. She said she needed friends and I am not enough. She also said it was hard for her to accept my past. I think she mostly means the fact I have had a lot of ex gf's and two ex wives. Then she said something like "And I don't think it helps you with your ideas of helping teens and teaching English". I don't know what she meant by this but I felt judged and Jerren said it sounded judgmental too.
I realized tonight, its four thirty AM, btw, that I don't feel totally accepted by her. I need to feel more accepted by someone. I like the way I live and where I live. If she can't accept that part of me and can't accept my past then I won't ever feel completely accepted.
A thought came to mind when I was remembering the "I don't think it helps ...." part. The thought was "Saying "I think" destroys relationships." That might be a bit exaggerated, but the idea is that feelings do more to help relationships and do less damage than thoughts. Thoughts are often judgments, like in this case I felt judged b y what she said. I also was thinking about how she felt rejected that morning because I didn't really want to make love. I actually was thinking about my friend Dan Goleman, because I had just re-read something he had written and I wanted to make another note on my site about it. I am pretty sure she would have felt rejected when I told her I was thinking about that when she had something a bit different on her mind. But instead of her saying how she felt I think later she started judging me. This was a way to protect herself from the hurt of rejection, I'd say.
More details...
She left while I was talking to Jerren. She said she was going to go to the library in the church youth room. After talking to Jerren for about an hour we walked up to visit her. I wanted to help her feel remembered, important etc. But the library was closed. So I started wondering where she was. We both thought she probably went for a walk. I didn't have any fear at all that she had left town, or was planning to.
But it is clear now that she was planning to leave or at least she had the idea an option when she got into town that afternoon. I know this because she had her things packed. She packed them in this little black hand bag instead of in her little red backpack. This was surely so I wouldn't suspect anything. She also had snuck the bank card out of my wallet sometime earlier in the day or the day before or sometime. I had put about a thousand dollars in the account so we would have access to soles while we are in Peru just by going to an ATM machine and not having to pay such a big service fee each time I withdrew money from my US account. They typically charge 2 or three dollars vs. twenty cents if I use the local bank. It hurts that I had just put another 500 or so in the account when we were in Lima, about ten days ago. I don't think she really planned to steal the money. She isn't as calculating and dishonest as Galina was, but still she was definitely planning it all ahead of time. It wasn't spontaneous like when we would get into an argument or when she felt jealous about a girl or something.
So anyhow, I wasn't real sure if she had planned to leave when she came to town that day or not. Jerren and I were both confused about it. Did she go back to our little pueblo, get her things and then leave? Or did she leave straight from town? Well, now I know she left straight from town. I still am not sure how exactly because Jerren and I were sitting by the main bus stop while we talked and we didn't see her walking by. No one seemed to have seen her that afternoon. Or at least no one we know. Maybe she walked to the edge of town or even walked a ways out of town and caught a ride from there. I really don't know. But she was obviously determined to go and not have me know about it. One thing is the bank card. I wasn't 100% sure if she had snuck it out of my wallet until I read her email. She said "Forgive me for taking the bank card." So she feels guilty about it. As I told Jerren, notice that it is another command. She didn't say "I feel bad for taking the bank card." And she didn't ask me how I felt about it. She said "Forgive me." Kind of like they say "Sit down." Sientate. You hear it all the time in South America. Or at least in Ecuador and Peru. More in Peru I think. They really love to give orders here. Makes them feel a bit more powerful and important I guess.
I don't think it helps reduce a person's guilty feelings very much by saying "Forgive me." I think it is better to say how you feel and ask the other person how they feel, then try to make some restitution. But anyhow, so one thing is she snuck the credit card out before I left for town that day. The other thing is, which I just remembered now, I had the keys to the cabin and the gate. She gave them back to me as soon as she saw me in town. Looking back this is a little sign she was planning on leaving me. She even said "Here are the keys, so I don't forget to give them to you." But if she had been planning to go back to our village together there wouldn't have been much of a need to give me the keys so quickly or to worry that she would forget. It really hurts to know she had it all planned. But I also realize she was afraid of me trying to stop her and crying as much as I did the last time she left. I never finished writing about that, but I don't think I have ever cried so hard or so long in my life.
Something else that hurts is that she blatantly lied again. For example, the last time I saw her I asked her how she was feeling and she said fine. I said "Are you sure, you're sure your not feeling a little unimportant that I am going to spend some time with Jerren?" She smiled and said, "I'm fine." She said it in a really convincing way. It seemed so normal. Then I said, "Give me a hug because I can tell by your hugs." So she laughed and said "Is this a check up, doctor?" So she was feeling a little defensive, in other words guilty. So probably she knew she was lying at that instant. It really hurts to think about this all again. And it hurts more because she always told me how much she valued sincerity in a person. And she does I guess, when it is in someone else.
It also hurts that she said many times, "Siempre voy a estar a tu lado." This means "I will always be at your side." Kind of like the song "Stand by your man." But I see now that a better song would be "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover." As I recall the first one is "You just slip out the back, Jack."
I am feeling better today, but it still hurts to go over all of this now.
I might be making her look like a really bad person, and she might feel "mala", but she really isn't. She is about the sweetest person I have ever met. Just really abused and insecure. Her mind has been poisoned. I can't really blame her for that.
I just took a pic of her little red back pack. And the copper wire that I had twisted on the loop on the back. I was always picking up little bits of copper wire as we walked. She laughed about it, but in a loving way. I am almost starting to cry again. There were so many of the little things that made us a couple. Little things that only two people in love think are funny or sweet.
-
Something else... I had told her a couple days earlier that she could help me by doing something while I was on the Internet so I wouldn't have to worry about her feeling bored, alone, and thinking of going home to Cajamarca. That day she was fine, or seemed to be. She came up with some ideas of what she could do to keep busy. But obviously she forgot that it would help me to know that she was okay and while I was working the day she left. I was just starting to feel secure that she wouldn't be gone if I went for a walk, or spent three hours on the Internet, or two hours talking to Jerren or whatever. So I feel kind of resentful, or more specifically misled or deceived or something. But I still love her as a person and as a romantic partner. But more as a person now because I have learned that she can't really be counted on as a romantic partner. She is sweet, but very unstable and unpredictable. I really want and need someone who I can feel more secure with. But I haven't had the luxury to pick and choose these past few years, so she was literally the best that I could get. I don't want that to sound negative, because I was pretty happy with her most of the time, and I really thought I could spend the rest of my life with her, but I'd prefer someone a lot more dependable if I had my choice. There are other things which accumulated over time which made me finally decide to stop chasing after her. I feel bad for her now, thinking that she is confused and might be very sad and lonely, and might regret her decision to leave, as Jerren suspects she is doing. But at the same time I have to set my boundaries as the saying goes. Still I feel sad about the loss of her companionship. She was really easy to be around most of the time and if I haven't said it before, we had a lot of fun and good times together. So I will try to remember those and not focus on the resentments. And help her feel welcome to come back whenever she wants. But in the mean time I will continue with the pursuit of my dream to have something like a community for people like Jerren, Ocean etc. If Laura wants to be a part of it and can handle her insecurities and emotional neediness, then that would be really nice. I'd like to have her be a part of it. But if she is going to be so high maintenance emotionally and unpredictable then I won't really encourage her to come back and definitely, at least for now, won't go running up to Cajamarca to try to convince her to come back.
-
Another memory.
When I was talking to Jerren before I had any idea she was planning to leave, I told him that I wasn't sure about Laura being able to handle a female coming down to Peru. I said "If I were talking to Ocean right now instead of you, Laura would be on a bus for Cajamarca." Little did I know she was actually on her way to the bus station in Lima as I spoke those words.
--
Another memory and pic
Here is a pic of the bottle cap that I put my contact in. I found it on the ground today. I had cried so hard the night she left when I was outside trying to sleep on the wool blanket that my contact fell out. I was lucky it stuck to my eye and didn't fall to the ground. I went inside and put it in this bottle cap, then put some water in and then put it back in place in the morning.
Here are some pics from last week, before she left, obviously
Laura hugging a boy from the pre-school, then with two girls from the school. The kids had basically escaped from the school, gone to the neighbors, then climbed over the fence that day. The girl on the right might be looking scared like that because Laura had just told her that her parents were probably worried about her because it was after the usual time school lets out. Laura said that later as we walked the kids back towards the school the little girl saw her parentsa and ran away from them because she was afraid they would hit her. They saw her run and they said, "Come on home, we aren't going to do anything to you." But the little girl was still afraid, and no doubt, with good reason to be.
....
Her socks she left hanging out to dry.
Quick update - Laura and I were talking by email and phone and I decided to go back to Cajamarca to see her. (Here are some pics of my leaving Chile to go back)
Last night we spent New Years Eve together. At this point it looks like we are getting back together but nothing is sure between us. Anyhow here are two pics from last night. There is a lot more to tell but I wanted to post these pics so I wouildn't lose them. I feel scared now that something is going to happen between us again and these will be the last pics I have of her and the last memories. But hopefully that won't be the case....
..
I had some more on here but decided to take it down for a while, just in case Laura's ex-bf is reading this and would use it to try to cause problems for us. When things are a bit more calm I will probably tell the rest of the story.
I will just say we are keeping in touch. She is living in her mother's house again, feeling trapped, threatened, afraid, and confused.
Well, we are in Argentina. Things are up and down as usual, but for now we are together again, with all our codependent drama. I think we may have turned a corner though recently, or at least I feel a bit more optimistic today.
But what I wanted to write about are these things
- how her mother never told her why she didn't want a girl
- "It's not my day to watch them"
----
The first is about how her mother told her she didn't want a girl when Laura was born. Laura's mother told her many times she didn't want Laura to be a girl. One can only imagine how this would make a sensitive feel. Let's just leave it at unwanted for now. But what was interesting is that yesterday Laura told me that her mother never told her why she didn't want a girl. And Laura never asked. Laura told me it hurt too much to hear that her mother didn't want a girl so she would just go to her room or stop talking when her mother would say that. This reminds me of my thought that it is hard for insecure people to listen.
Why it is hard for insecure people to listen
The other day I realized that I had become afraid to tell Laura things. She reacts so strongly if I say something like "I need some female friends I can talk to." One day I said something like "Sometimes I want to go look for other girls to date." She immediately snapped, "Well go look for them then!". She was turning her back to me as she said it. When I tried to hug her she pushed me away and refused to talk.
Then a few days later I told her that I liked talking to Daniela, a girl who we met here in Argentina. I said Daniela is a good listener and seems very sincere and caring. Laura started feeling jealous and insecure, afraid that I wanted to leave her and be with Daniela. This was all it took. I didn't have to say anything more. Just that Daniela was a good listener and I liked talking to her.
I see now that the thought of me leaving Laura hurts her so much and frightens her so much that she simply can't listen to me when I say something which is the least bit threatening.
On the other hand, when the subject does not involve Laura, she is an excellent listener. Very caring and very attentive and responsive.