Kelly's life in her own words

Kelly's Story

When I was between five and nine My aunties husband did stuff, I forgot about this kinda for a bit and things started coming back to me if you know what I mean?. He haden't always been my Uncle, at first he was just a family friend. I met him when I was four and I loved him to bits. Life went on and I went through alot of behavioural difficulties in school and at home. At the age of 11 I was running away from home. Previous to this age I had a counsellor in the child and family unit.

My grandma died when I was 13 and I thought I handeled it quite well but apparently I suffered from depression. When I was 14 things were getting really difficult with my mam. I decided I wanted to meet my biolgical father. I moved away from my mam, step dad and My little sister. I was glad I was moving because my step Dad was violent towards me. I moved in a way that was terrible and i just wanted to cry. My Dad picked me up and away we went to London. I thought my life was going to be great, New school, new surroundings and a totally new life. Things didn't turn out to happily and i should have spooted this miles off. I lived with my step mum and my brother, My brother was 11 with ADHD.

I had been told that my brother had a bad temeper and snapped alot and may get violent. I didn't think anything of that because we got on so great. He always wanted to play games and I always gave into him in the end, then I started getting a bit more in control (or so i though) and I said no. He used to get angry and flip. I regularaly got beat every other day. My step mum started ignoring me and she started to get jelous.

Eventually me dad started turning on me, I ended up feeling so rejected and hated. I used to love school, I was constantly in trouble but I always had my learning mentor to lean on, He really helped my through those tough times and I hated being at home. He comforted and advised me to the best of his knowledge. I told him how I felt and most of evrything that had went on apart form the abuse, It was always there in my mind but I never spoke of it or thought about it much. My dad never let me out and I was always stuck in the house with my mad brother. I used to sleep alot, everyday from school, I used to go home and sleep, if I was lucky my brother didin't annoy me to get up but that was not very often. I hated living at one stage and i didn't know what to do.

I didin't want to tell my learnign mentor how bad things actually were incase he confronted my dad with this and he took it the wrong way and sent me home, another fear of being rejected. I stopped eating and he threatened to send me home on a number of occasions for it. I eventually went to the doctors and pretended to eat normally, I also didn't want to be sent back to my mam for being a failure. Then things managed to get to the summer holidays, went to visit my mam. On the last to days she wasn't going to be there and she said that I could stay on the provido I stayed at my Aunties (where my uncle was).

At the time I said I would but when the time come to it I didn't. My mam thought I was just being a bitch, but actualy I wasn't and I just didn't want to spen time with someone who I knew abused me. Then next day I went to my Mams and I kicked a riot because she locked me in the house, I swearing, shouting, I started shouting at her that she didn't know anything, which was true within some respects. My Mam called the police and I was arested for breech of the peace. The next day was my dad back to London.

I told my Dad straight away and he told me not to tell my step Mum as she didn't need to know ( more secrets to hide). I was on the phone to my Mam and she was going on about social services, My step mam overheard the conversation and I told her that I was told not to tell her, she started going mad, she started crying then my brother thought I made her cry so he started beating the living crap out of me. He bust my lip and my nose, I went downstairs and showed my step Mum she told me to stop being a baby and clean it up. I felt so hurt not only physically but emotionally. No-one was talking to me and I tried to carry on as normal as I could, but I had, had enough! I rang my Mam and told her to send me home straight away, she refused and said that she couln'dt cope with my behaviour. I packed my things and waited.

I was talking to my friend across the road and I heard an almighty roar "get your fucking arse in here, yuo fucking cunt". I ran over and I went in, he started ranting I ignored him then he stangled me. I barely fucking knew the bloke! I went back to my mam and then once again I though great another oppotunity in life, but no of course not. Things started getting really bad, we were assingned a suport worker by social services.

She didn't do much good at first, I ran away and I lived with my mates, I hated her at first. In november the abuse i recall was realling haunting me everynight and day. In November I rang my learning mentor from back in london at nine at night. I told him what I could, he advised me to go to the police, the very next day I did. Nothing came of it as I couldn't say much and my support worker was there and i didn't like her, and i was scared she would tell my mam.

Nothing more was said for over 4 months. I went back home eventually and stayed ther till the day after boxing day. The day after boxing day, in the morning I had a physical fight with my step dad, and I was told to never come back, because i swore infront of me little sister. On the night time I went out and had a couple of cans, i tried to return home but my mam wouldn't let me in. So i rang the police, they locked me up! My mam still wouldn't open the door or answer any phonecalls made by the police, in the end a worker form the youth offending team picked me up, she rang my support worker and my support worker said that my mam didn't want me back and she would rather I stayed at my Aunties. I ovbiously kicked a fuss and my support worker came round and picked me up.

I never said anything but she knew that something had gone on. She told a social worker and I was put into a childrens home, after 2 nights I was in a foster home for just over a week. Over that time I spoke of the styuff once to me support worker. I went back home eventually with my mam knowing all my troubles I had never wanted her to know, Then onece again I was shipped into another foster home, wich I am still at, things aren’t ok and I feel very lonely, the things that happen are strange and I don’t like it. now I am in the position of trying to make a statment and it's really dificult as I am having to say things I find impossible to say.

The point I am tring to make is alot has been going on and my support worker really has been regarding the fact to my disclosure, now she has been involved to long and has to refer me onto another support team which offers longer family support, I think I am going to find this difficult because it took me a long time to engage with the support worker I have at the moment. I took me a long time to say something about what had happened and I feel dissapointed that no-one is really considering the way I am feeling and the things that have gone on. I don't want loads of attention I just want to be able to talk about it more easily because I want to make a statment. At the moment it looks like nothing is going to happen and I am not going to get a chance to do this. I really want to gain the confidence to do the video statment.

Thoughts are running through my head everyday, about what had happened, what I could have done, what I should have done, why it happened, why I feel I have done something wrong, Why I keep thinking maby my uncle didn't know it was wrong, why me, was it really abuse, do I deserve it, was my uncle wrong, should I have realised he was wrong? I know half of these questions can't be answered but the thing is I haven't anyone to ask them to. I have so many feelings I feel I can't deal with, I am scared to talk about them, I can't show the way I feel, and if I do people may as but I easily shrug them off with "I'm tired" etc.

My Mam always wants to talk to me about how I am feeling and I think that really puts me off her. I don't want to talk to her about anything ever, and I hate it when people tell me I should talk to her, I feel really uncomftable talking to her.

I love visiting my Mam but sometimes it just gets to much, the family I am with can’t cope or the wouldn’t be requesting another social worker, but like I always say, shit happens, life goes on…. Sometimes.

anyway wooooahh

Jan 2005