December 3, 2005 - Jerren as a friend

December 6,7

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Dec 6,7 - His frustrations

Dec 3, 2005 - Jerren as a friend, Plus more pics

A quick note about something we were talking about. I was kind of frustrated by Jerren wanting to spend more on food and drinks than Laura and I do. I was telling him that I sort of feel like it is a lack of respect to go some place and live with someone and then expect to live better than they do. For example, the night he spent five times as much on his juice and soda as Laura and I did for our juice. This sounds like a lot but in dollars it wasn't that much. It was more the idea of it that bothered me. He spent 1.5 soles and we spent .5 sol between the two of us, or 25 centimos. Thus his 1.5 soles was six as much. (Note) He probably feels bad about it and I don't really want him to. It does bother me but I don't want him worrying that I will tell him this is not working and we are not going to help you out anymore. Now as I write this, am I helping him out or is he helping us out? Or is it mutual? It seems like we are helping him out more than he is helping us out but how can you measure it? It is mostly the way I look at it. Anyhow, as I talked to him about the respect thing I was thinking that it isn't really so much a lack of respect on his part. I am not some Tibetan monk or some guru with a long white beard like Goleman worshiped in India when he was in his twenties. I don't really need Jerren to bow down to me or some such ridiculous crap. Am I that insecure that I need Jerren to eat like Laura and I do for us to accept him? Anyhow, I told Jerren I don't really think it is a lack of respect on his part. I think he is just hungry and thirtsy. lol. How can I blame him for that?!

Anyhow, we have been having pretty honest talks lately. I think he is less afraid I will reject him and I am less afraid he will just mooch off of us. That sounds kind of harsh and extreme and it is but is the first word that came to mind. I have realized it is up to me to manage him, give him things to do, tell him what I want, what I think, how I really feel. He really is a good person. He just has been messed up. And also he is probably, well definitely, just different from me genetically. What motivates him is going to be different than what motivates me, no matter how similar our beliefs and ideas are.

But basically, I want him to stay here. I think this is the best place in the world for him right now. I don't want him to go back to the USA. I want this to work out. I want him to stay away from the USA for a long time. He has adapted quickly actually. Complains very little. He literally has been sleeping on the floor the past two nights. Just on some wool blankets. And it has been cold. So cold I could see my breath yesterday. Sometimes his needs conflict with mine. Like when I need to sleep and he needs to get up and go to the bathroom. But how can I blame him for that? All things considered we are getting along well. We went on a long walk yesterday and had a good talk. I feel pretty good that I am helping him learn things like how to be more emotionally honest

Jerren has been a little afraid to talk to me about certain things. I am partly to blame for that. But we are making good progress. I told him that sensitive people like he and I have to be emotionally honest. Then if people invalidate us, then we just need to leave them and keep looking for someone who will accept us as we are. He agrees with this more and more it seems. Well, maybe I am all offbase, but I feel pretty good about what I am teaching him or helping him learn or whatever you want to say. And he has been helping out more lately and taking more responsibility for himself. Simple things like cooking his own food and washing his own dishes when we are together. Yesterday I was kind of resenting that I have been cooking so much for both Laura and him. And I wanted to eat later and there was no clean pot because I had cooked for Laura. And I started wondering how many times Jerren has washed dishes since he has been here and I could only think of once. So I asked him later and he agreed, just once. We talked about it and he quickly agreed he wouldn't like it either if he were cooking and washing dishes for someone else. So yesterday he started washing his own dishes. Little things like that help me feel encouraged and respected, too, I guess.

I have also learned from Jerren that I am not a good manager. I think I used to be when I only thought about money and not feelings. But now I am a shitty manager. I have to be more controlling a bit. Tell him this is how it is, so to speak. But he is smart and understands the reality so I don't have to be like a boss ordering him around. He isn't very obedient anyhow. He likes to do what his own heart or desires prompt him to do. Like Hesse said, something like "I only wanted to follow my own inner promptings. Why was that so very difficult?" I'd like to help Jerren do what his own inner promptings tell him to do. But at the same time there is the reality of eating and having a place to sleep. Fortunately things are cheap here in Peru. So I think we can make this work. And Jerren likes to be around kids and he likes to teach. He just doesn't like the idea of a schedule, which I can totally understand. I worked in the business world for a long time and saved up my money. I don't want Jerren to have to do that. My father worked all his life so I could be a writer and do what I wanted to do when I was in my thirties or so. He didn't see it that way, but basically that's how it worked out. My father never enjoyed his life. He died with very few close friends and with a wife who was always invalidating him and manipulating him to try to fill her unmet emotional needs. My life is better off than my father's was. And I'd like Jerren's to be better off than mine has been. I don't want him or anyone else to suffer as much as I have. He is much, much, much more self-aware than I was when I was 20 or 21. It was his birthday a couple of weeks ago by the way. Well, anyhow I'm gonna post this then go down to the cabin to see whats up. I have been up here by the eucalyptus trees, far from the maddening noises!

Two days ago Laura left me. I wrote about it on the Dec 3 entry. Like I said there, Jerren went to look for me. Well I didn't explain it fully. He is staying in a little town named Canta and I am staying in one called Obrajillo. It is about a thirty minute walk between the two. Canta is up on the side of the mountain and Obrajillo is down at the river. Jerren hurt his big toe the other day in one of the hostals he has been staying in. So far he has slept in five places in Canta I think. We keep moving him around. Well, it isn't "we" anymore.

He has been really flexible and a "good sport" about everything. It is really shitty here. There is no way to sugarcoat it. The simplest things that you take for granted in other countries don't work here. Like the toilets, the showers, even the water supply itself. And he has been getting locked inside, like I often got locked inside when I stayed in rooms and hostals.

But anyhow, I will let him write more about all of that. What I wanted to write about was his friendship.

A couple weeks ago Laura left me and Jerren was there for me. He was a good listener. He gave me a hug. He didn't give me stupid, useless advice or say anything unhelpful like "Why didn't you do so and so? or "You should have done such and such." He sat with me. He went for a walk with me. He mostly just listened and made it safe for me to talk, and to cry. It still feels a bit awkard hugging a guy. Partly because he is so thin I think. I am a little afraid I will snap him in two if I hug too tightly! And partly cuz he is a guy. I haven't hugged many guys and cried. I think outside of my family Gonzalo in Mexico was the first one. That was over a girl too. I have had kind of bad luck with Latin females. There was Mariné in Venezuela, Nancy in Mexico, and now Laura. Oh and I suppose we could include Esmeralda in Ecuador. And the flight attendant from Puerto Rico, but that wasn't much emotional pain. I think Costa Rica is the only Latin country I have been to and not had a problem with a female. lol. Oh and also Columbia, but I was just there a few days.

Well, anyhow, Jerren has really been there for me. Too bad he isn't a female. He left me this note saying something like "I know I am not a girl but <hug>."

So, well, I feel really touched that he walked all the way down here with his sore toe. I am almost crying now... But to continue, I wanted to say that his toe isn't just sore, it is really messed up. Like all the skin has been torn off of the whole top part of it. He has been hobbling around for like two days now. I feel bad I haven't taken him to the health center. He lives right next to it but isn't sure if they will treat him since he isn't Peruvian. But I think they will. He was saying how he misses the USA where he could just go buy the stuff he needs. Like peroxide and gausze or something I think he said. He asked me if I had a band aid but I don't. I used to carry a couple a long time ago. Like my first trip to Europe. But now if I need somthing like a bandaid I just use masking tape and toilet paper like my brother Al, who also lived in Peru for a while, btw.

So back to JC. Not Jesus Christ but better probably. lol. He said yesterday he thinks the world would be better without religion and I totally agree. He also said he would feel like he would be abandoning me if he left now. His return ticket to the USA is like today. He was really thinking about going back for a while but he has decided to stay and let his ticked expire unused. I admire him for that really. He has been learning to live really cheaply. I feel kind of bad for him but I think its good for him too and hey, he said he wanted to learn to live simply when he came down here! lol But he's had to put up with a lot of shit. And I mean a lot. This is a huge culture shock for him. From the USA to Peru in one day. I travelled a lot before I came to this shithole, so I was a LOT more prepared. But I've never seen anything anywhere this bad overall. Indonesia had piles of garbage on the streets and rats running all around literally, but the people were a lot more friendly and less brain damaged, a bit so at least, but still brain damaged from religion, fear etc.

So anyhow that's enough about Jerren for today I guess. It's about quarter till six in the morning and the mother fucking rooster is still squawking!!!!!!! And I really want to kill it!!!!!!!! lol