It Hurts

Tonight I made a list of a lot of things that were hurting me. I felt beter when I finished the list and sent it to the person who I am most hurting about. I don't really want to hurt her with my list, but I do want to keep her informed of how I actually am feeling and what is hurting me. I tend to believe that is about all I can do, is just give her information. I definitely can't force her to change. She isn't a person who is very easily controlled. She can be manipulated with guilt trips, but I don't like to use guilt trips. She will probably feel guilty when she gets my list of things which hurt but I tried not to make her feel guilty in a way that makes her feel worse about herself and hurts her self-esteem. I would like her to make some changes, but I don't want her to change things because I have worn her down or because she is afraid of losing me.

it hurts that u want to kiss us both. but u kiss only him
it hurts that u want to be with us both, but u only want to be with me during the day.
it hurts to think if i wasnt paying u, u wouldnt want to be with me as much
it hurts to see your hair band here on my desk. and to pick it up and put it around my fingers when i know he is puttng his hands in ur hair.
it hurts to know u wanted to see him two nights in a row
it hurts to know u didnt want to be with me on a saturday night (though it helps to know u were planning on seeing me last saturday till the problem with your sister)

it hurts to think about u spending the night or nights with him when ur family is out of town.
it hurts to know i probably am not going to be the first one u spend all night with, the first too see u wake up in the morning
it hurts to feel disillusioned again. to feel the loss again. just to feel the loss.

it hurts to be alone tonight.

it hurt when luciana didnt say hi when i signed in
it hurt when someone named claudia didnt say hi and didnt answer my msgs on msn
it hurt when luciana didnt ask how my day was or how i was when i asked her how her day was.

it hurts to know i have no one in salta i can be with tonight, i can call or get a hug from
it hurts to know the pple who care most about me are in different countries
it hurts to know ud let me leave salta and move somewhere else and u wouldnt move there with me.

it hurts to know ud let me leave the country alone

it hurts to think about leaving alone. starting to wander around the world alone again
it hurts to think of having money but not being able to buy what i most need
it hurts to want to be in love with someone who doesnt want to be in love with me
it hurts to want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesnt want to spend the rest of their life with me

it hurts to think of u hurting and feeling responsible and guilty when u read this
it hurts to think of u saying "i cant do this to you anymore" or "i cant do this anymore"
it hurts to think of u saying "I cant work for u anymore"
or "I cant see u anymore" or "I promised him i wouldnt see u anymore"

it hurts to think of spending days with u when i know ur gonna spend nights with him

it hurts to know u dont want to give me equal time. n that i cant come to ur house when i want or even when u want, n it hurts to know maybe i really could come to ur house but u dont want me to know that cuz u dont really want me to start coming there so u can keep him and i separate a bit more in ur mind or something

it hurts to know u want to keep me a sectret n u dont want to be my girlfriend in public

it hurts to know i am letting myself be treated this way cuz i am so alone that if i didnt have u id have no one at all

it hurts to want to hug u knowing ur hugging and kissing him and probably making love to him again n laughing and having a good time

it hurts to think that id tell u just what hurts and ud still keep seeing him

it hurts to know u wanted to see him two days in a row when u used to have the every other day thing

it hurts to lose the special status i had with u

it hurts to be number two

like steff said when she was 14 "i want to be number one to someone"

it hurts to not be able to get what i want n have what i want
it hurts to still be writing this at 2:30 and not have someone i can tell in person

so im thnking of what i can do to help get myself out of this lonely situation. what i can do to find someone whos a good listener, who will give me a hug or lot of them

and im thnking that one of the best chances is to find someone who wants to help other pple n then tell kind of give them a test of how good of a listener they are by telling them about our situation and about my feelings

it hurts to see u get back with someone who i believe is emotinally abusive to u n not that good for ur self esteem

but it helps to know ur pretty resilient and ur probably gonna get sick of him again in the not too distant future.

its not so much that i feel in secure now as just hurting.

it has helped to write this list. i want to share it with u so u know how i feel and to keep being emotinoally honest with u. but i also want u to know im ok and i dont hate u and im not gonna say i dont want to see u.

i saw how much that hurt u and i dont think i could ever say that to u again

i feel much more love towards u than i feel hurtful towards u. i hardly feel hurtful towards u at all.

i just need to let my own pain out.
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and im feeling a little hopeful that when u understand my pain a bit more u will make some changes voluntarily to help me feel less pain

i really wish id get a text from u saying. he is gone and i want to talk to u n i want to hug u.

or that if u want to come over, u can cuz i am worried about u. or i am thinking of u and i was thinking of u when i was with him and didnt feel totally good being with him

or im sorry that u are hurting. i wish i could make ur pain go away and yet fill my own needs

or im really sorry ur alone n ill help u find someone else. or ur special to me. or ur a special person and i love u and it hurts to know ur hurting and im at least partially responsible

or i feel bad for having a good time and kissing him when i know ur there alone hurting

its 2:42 now

it helps to know im gonna see tatiana tomorrow and maybe carla or maybe i wiill meet someone else who is a good listener.

n maybe i will meet someone who wants to learn english and is also a good listener who can read this and i can translate it for them if they dont know english that well. n we can both write it in spanish together

I hope this helps someone express their pain in a way that doesn't lead to the loss of an important relationhip.