Emotional Intelligence | Main page on Invalidation
Invalidation
A quick lesson in invalidation
Today I was talking to a 26
year old girl named Melisa. Melisa told me she had lunch with her
mother the other day. Melisa asked her mother why her mother had
three children with men who were not responsible enough to be
fathers. Melisa has never met her father. Melisa also asked her
why the mother lied on her birth certificate, saying she was born
in one place when actually she was born in another. Melisa was
just trying to make some sense of her life, as many girls from
dysfunctional families do.
The mother, though, laughed at Melisa's questions, saying that
was a long time ago and there was no reason to be talking about
it now. Melisa said when she saw her mother laughing at her she
wanted to reach across the table and hit her as hard as she
could.
Melisa drinks, smokes, has used drugs and has thought of killing
herself. And none of this is because of her lack of emotional
intelligence, as Mayer and Salovey mistakenly suggest. In fact,
Melisa is intelligent and sensitive. She reads people quickly.
Yet she is emotionally unskilled and emotionally needy. She can
also be verbally hurtful when she feels hurt.
Melisa is another example of someone who is by nature emotionally
intelligent, but not according to the prevailing definitions. I
explained to Melisa what invalidation was and told her it was
psychological abuse and she quickly agreed.
Melisa's emotionally abusive mother makes me think of the
TeenScreen program in the USA. And it makes me wonder what would
happen if we screened the teenagers for invalidating parents and
teachers. I also wonder how much money the drug companies could
make if they could market a drug which made parents and teachers
learn what invalidation is and become better listeners and more
emotionally supportive.
Melissa in her room
A quick lesson in invalidation
Here is a conversation I had yesterday. I was trying to explain the basic concept of invalidation.
S: Have you ever been crying and someone said "Don't cry"?
E: YesS: Did it help?
E: NoS: Have you ever been worried and someone said "Don't worry"?
E: YesS: Did it help?
E: NoS: Have you ever been angry and someone said "Don't get angry"?
E: YesS: Did it help?
E: No
So maybe that is the world's shortest course on invalidation!
S.Hein
Salta, Argentina
April 4, 2007