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16 years old as of October 2013

Today I just want to start my page on "Al". He asks that his real name not be identified. His afraid of his parents.

I often feel overwhelmed and intimidated by Al's intelligence. I have struggled to even start this page because I don't know where to begin and what to put in and what to change and what to leave out. It really pains me how he is being treated at home and at school. It pains me so much it is hard to even think about it and type this now. So I will go quicky for fear of not doing it at all, as I have "put it off" for so many days now.

Below are some recent emails from "Al".

S. Hein
October 2013

Al's comments on a discussion about runaway laws

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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 2013 20:01:29 -0400
Subject: Falling apart

God I'm such an attention whore. Every single time I talk to you I say
"this is the end, I'm dying on the inside, huuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr" and every
time I seem to survive. But that's what it feels like, an immense pressure
from all sides, including the inside.

So... let me begin with a reason for you to lose hope in me. Sounds
reasonable. Yeah.

I was under the impression that I was going to my shrink today, which is
not the case and when I heard this I was very disappointed. I like him a
lot better than my parents, in fact. I still don't really trust him, so
there's been a bit of withholding.

I'm doubting myself, and by myself I mean us and by us I mean the things we
agree on... a lot of things I guess. I mean everything...

I can't sleep at night because I'm so caught up in thinking about it all.
I'm contemplating my own mortality and the futility of everything at 16...
not for the first time either. Is that the hallmark of a sick mind or a
sick culture?

Or maybe a little of both?

But in any case I don't sleep and even if my psychology class is full of
shit, it's taught me one useful thing: "It's pointless to try to sleep when
you aren't sleepy." Sadly my parents fail to understand this.

The book for that class is so idiotic, by the way. Talks of "unacceptable
thoughts" and "inappropriate feelings," and what is more it completely
ignores any kind of romance other than "straight and closed and limited"
and outright attacks openness and the teacher brings up the whole stupid
waiting for the marshmallow experiment. And refers to laws as though they
are perfect. And so on. And so on. It reminds me of the dark ages a little
bit. Actually more than a little bit. Maybe 5.5/10.

Speaking of which, is there any way to force oneself to become gay?
I ask only because it seems that I hate every female I have had the
misfortune of meeting. While there are a few males that I can stand to be
around without wanting to go apeshit crazy and beat them into a pulp.
Only a few, but they exist.

Or am I going about this all wrong? That seems more likely.

So yesterday I read something about "scientists have proven we don't have
free will" and then today my english domesticator said "Challenging the
status quo is baaaaaaad" except more convincingly than that. And my mom is
in complete denial of the ills of the education system, which she believes
to be overtesting and underteaching. Which are problems, but if you strip
them away it doesn't improve very much, and she even says there is no
stigma attached to doing poorly in an "optional but encouraged" reading
program (which, from what she describes, sounds like people who have a hard
time reading are pressured into trying, but it is just a hey look at me
testing thing, it doesn't actually teach how to read). So I am in a
horrible, horrible mood.

A lot of people want me to think about my future. I don't. That's what got
me thinking about my own mortality (I estimate my life expectancy at maybe
ten more years if the stars align) and that's horrible and depressing and I
want no more of it. So I thought in different terms, what do I want now?

And I realized I want to help people. But not "help" people and not help
"people," if you know what I mean. Or rather I want people to be helped,
whoever actually does the helping, but there are so few doing so that I
feel it is my "duty" almost -- to myself or to the universe, not to any
artificial human authority.

But I also need to create. I have so many stories to tell and more fingers
to point than are attached to my hands and, maybe the most important of
all, more characters to invent. Yes, I have imaginary friends because I
can't make real ones; not the other way round. That may be the reason I
can't seem to finish a book; I end up falling in love with one of the
characters and making up more and more details for them until I can't write
any longer because it's like writing about a real person I actually know.
My characters seem more real than real people because they are more
interesting than real people. And less hateful and less stupid and just
that little bit vulnerable and weak that "real" people expend most of their
energy diverting attention from, and which makes them seem like robots. Do
I really have SUCH unrealistic expectations?

Based on my observations of humanity, I concede a whispered "yes."

So I need to pursue two unrelated, nearly mutually exclusive goals in terms
of time commitment... not want. Need. And it's tearing me apart.

Many hugs,


attention whore - my partner also used to call herself that. she picked it up from her dysfunctional culture. here is my page on the idea of "attention seeking"

"every single time" - one of the toxic ways he has learned to communicate his feelings. I am sure he has heard this - probably from his parents when they were feeling disapproving, unaccepting, judgmental, critical etc. of him. Now he uses the same words, and feelings, on himself - as all children and teens learn to do in dysfunctional families.

notes to al - the first time i read this i thought u meant u fall in love with characters in books u read. now i see that it means the characters u create- true? that is more understandable and less worrying. so my worry level has gone done a bit - lets say to 2

what i would say if i were ur shrink is to actually list the things u love about the characters u create. then try to list your umet emotional needs from that.

i am going to reword that.. instead of sayng what i would say if i were ur shrink... i will say "what i would like to see u do or what would help me feel encouraged and influential is if u would...this makes it mpre honest, more about my unmet needs. and i would feel more motivated to keep reading ur mail, thinking about it talking about it with p and replying and posting it here. which i am afraid sounds like a threat that if u dont then all of those things won't happen. so i guessi will ask if u feel threatend or informed or appreciative of my honesty or just how u feel when u read that - which reminds me that im guessing ur shrink rarely either a) says things in an emotionally honest or even literate way or b) asks u how u feel about anything he said. but id like to know the actual way things go with him.

command, negative prediction i just put this here for now so i wont forget it - its not connected to u but to gui from brazil and my bike
inappropriate -

domesticator - al and i sometimes call teachers and other adults "domesticators" - i got the term "domesticated" from a popular book that i don't recommend enough to name - to be more specific it pains me to think of someone else reading it and being lured into the beliefs the author wants u to accept - beliefs which he implies came from some divine-type secret source. So anyhow, I have adapted the fist section of the book where he talks about how we are all domesticated because I liked a lot of what he said. But I felt a need to change some things before showing it to someone I cared about or really to anyone I hope to be a healthy influence on. Later I may post my adaptation.

xx add link

alfie kohn coments on marshmallow - p says ask ur psych teacher and ur shrink if they know about alfie kohn and his criticism of the marshmallow test thing.

10 if it's completely anonymous.
7 if you use a made up name.
1 if it's my real name
i had asked how ok he was with me posting his emails xx link for how ok

That's fine.

A few more responses:*
hmm he never emailed me..*

Because I never asked him to!
but id like it if u list ur unmet emotional needs RE her and ur biological
that is something id like to post*

That will take longer than my brain is willing to give me right now. Remind
me if I haven't within a couple days.
hmm ok that sounds a bit worrying!

In* *a 'he's a perv' way or in a 'it's sad real people trample him' way? Or
something else that my closedmindedness has overlooked?


Regarding the textbook: It's just called "Psychology" and is published by
Prentice Hall. Picture of fish on the front, four are orange and one is
blue. No idea what the relation to the subject is.


"...the very first thing alcohol depresses is a person's inhibitions, or
the 'don'ts' of behavior. Inhibitions are all the social rules people have
learned that allow them to get along with others and function in society.
Inhibitions also keep people from taking off all their clothes and dancing on the table at a crowded bar -- inhibitions are a good thing."

Just found a discussion of how to punish people that is too long and sick
for me to copy and retain my sanity. Then it has a part that says
"drawbacks of punishment" but mostly focuses on why it isn't effective at
controlling people. It contains the sentence "Ask any parent or pet owner."

---- id like to see more of it... do u have a scanner maybe, or the library? or a kinkos nearby?

Eating with fingers vs. fork is described as a valid thing to correct
people on. The purpose of eating is to get sustenance, if you wash your
hands first does it really matter?

--- how many people do u know who wash their hands before eating popcorn?

Defines what love is for "everyone."

From a chart of defense mechanisms:

"Rationalization: Making up acceptable excuses for unacceptable behavior"

--- i guess it doesn't say unacceptable to who and how the person will feel if their 'behavior is unaccepted. for example might they feel personally unaccepted or rejected? and if so what would that tend to do to someone over time? i guess they didn't address any of that. nor did they mention, i assume, that what is unacceptable in one culture, family, school or classroom might be acceptable (by the person with the power to hurt u i mean of course) in another and it also might be totally healthy. but if it is healthy are u still "rationalizing" or are you making an attempt at being rational with an irrational person?

---- i cant read /comment anymore now..xx stopped here

"Projecting: Placing one's own unacceptable thoughts onto others"

"Reaction formation: Forming an emotional reaction that is the opposite of
one's threatening or unacceptable actual thoughts."

It completely supports religion without saying the harm it can do.

Too disgusted to continue.
about the shrink. it is probably safer for u if he doesnt know u and i

OK. Then he won't know.

but i would like u to check out daniel mackler and if u agree, as ur shrink
to check him out and give his opinion. also ask him if he knows of alice
miller and if so what he thinks.

Don't know much about either of them, but DM's opinions strike me as...
harsh. Maybe it's just my tortured sex drive screaming out at his opinions
of sex. He believes in the existence of "perversion" and I think it's just
a label that arises from misunderstanding. Which makes me evil.
and could u start asking ur shrink how he feels about things and pay
careful attention to whether he answers with feeling words. id like it if
u wrote down exactly what he replies as soon as u get out or better yet.
do u take notes while u are there? id like u to!*

Will do.

*i need more proof of what is happening to teens if i am going to get some
support. i feel very very unsupported now.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Let me guess, the things I said "I'm not sure" to before?
Remember this is all secret. They think I am doing homework right now
despite my hatred of the term and its implications. They claim to be open
minded but then grind me into the dirt when I disagree with them.
i want to take these issues to
the united nations one day.*

I don't think the UN will do anything. They are still dominated by ageist
ideologies. Take your issues to a smaller jurisdiction first, then when
your proposed changes work cite that to a higher one when you present to

Just my 2 cents.

*or havei someone present them. for example
how parents can cut the internet from a teen whose emotional support and
life depends on it.

it should be called murder not suicide. u agree?* *
I don't think suicide really exists. All of it is murder. Or rather, the
reason for the suicide was because it was easier or less painful than any
alternative they could imagine, and that was due to every other option
being made worse. Had humanity not advanced past hunter-gathering it would
be a lot less socially diseased. Less interesting, sure, but less mentally
destructive. Interesting trade off there... despite everything else I still
don't know which I would pick.
anyhow i felt concerned cuz u have to make up imaginary pple and u fall in
love with characters - not in a perv way but in a sad way - how sad it is
that ur needs from real pple are so lacking. i dont want to see u go
crazy. to me i guess that is kind of a step in that direction when
someone creates a whole fantasy alternative world.*

Well, you won't have long till I'm wiped off the face of the earth. No

*so yeah its concerning. but only like 3 lets say
But 3... that's like a... 3...
3 to me is not "just" a 3. It's a "holy shit that's a 3."



* im ccing steph - i havent heard from her.. have u?
Nope. Though less surprising on my end.
im a bit worried...*

Congratulations! Welcome to my universe.

You have an advantage. It's okay for you to do your own thing. You don't
have a less-than-worthless mother breathing down your back, guilt tripping
you, and invalidating your core values on a daily basis. When a friend you
really connected with starts ignoring you it doesn't matter as much. You
have a million others to choose from. And they cut off all communication.
With me I know that they are doing the same kinds of things with the same
kinds of people, but leaving me out of it. Yes I'm pissed off right now. I
am universally unlikeable. You are mistaken in saying I doubt myself. There
is no doubt involved. I am 100% certain that I am a worthless inhuman piece
of shit. It is written in my DNA. Both my parents are evil, heartless
assholes, so I am one as well.

Fuck. This is what they would want, for me to turn against you.

I've been thinking. About Z for example. He gets upset when someone says
"stupid." But I get upset when I hear "inappropriate" and similar
sentiments. Am I really any different? Any better?

He yells at people who upset him in a shrill, unpleasant voice. I want to
grind people who upset me into dust. I think he has the moral high ground.

Ha! morals.

I was reading an awesome book. "The Humans." Interesting read. Then
suddenly the protagonist, who I identified with throughout the story even
though he did a 180 in terms of personality, says "I know it is morally
wrong for me to love her," and I put the book down. All the previous
feeling of enjoyment I had gotten from the book was nullified by that one
sentence. Reading on, what I read, had it been in an exact copy of the book
sans that one line, was continuation on the initial likability. But I
didn't like it. I couldn't make myself like it. I was too disgusted by the
message behind that one line.
And what's beyond that, what kind of perverse
Worldview holds as fact that more love is "worse?"
So I love three people, is that such a curse?
Would you rather I hate the whole universe?*

I need a shirt that says this. Maybe I will make one.

*Or maybe that I am just them in reverse,
*As harmful and hateful and equally terse,
*Differing only in how I'm averse,
*And samely not missed when hauled off in a hearse.*

Dammit, self.


15 Oct 2013
Subject: Everything you had asked for

(Which it turns out is only two things)

but id like it if u list ur unmet emotional needs RE her and ur biological

As opposed to... my mechanical father? lol. As far as they tell me I'm not adopted and if I am I have no idea who my biological father would be.

(I'm just going from your list of basic emotional needs.)

accepted - not by either of them.

acknowledged, recognized - only in a negative way. They refuse to recognize the importance of a lot of things to me.

admired, appreciated, approved of, forgiven, helped-- wait, from THEM? You must be joking!

believed in - despite my hatred of lying they do not believe what I say. And they certainly don't believe I will succeed.

capable, competent - I would be if their presence wasnot completely suffocating and someone with a brain decided to reform ie destroy the school system. Then I would be writing articles and books and things all
day long.

cared about - they care about me not becoming their definition of
> failure, which intersects with my definition of success.

clear - they make it a point to only try to talk to me when I am listening to something so I can't hear them, then they get mad because I was trying to pay attention to something important to me.

forgiving - I believe in second, and third, and in some cases 32768th chances. And I can't forgive them.

free, in control, private - what, and be somewhere else being someone else? never.

fulfilled - Pfft. I am more fulfilled by reading religious texts (which I hate) than interacting with them.

heard, yes. They know what I say, at least for a few minutes after saying it.

Listened to... as in they take what I mean to heart and use that, not idiot-instinct to base decisions and perceptions on? Not a chance.

helpful - see forgiving. I don't want to help them.

important - they view me as important, too much for my own liking. Honestly I don't need anyone's help to feel important. No idea why. included - only in school related stuff, where shit.isGiven() == False.

loved, respected, supported, understood, valued, worthy -

needed - as a punching bag or a golem, maybe

noticed - for doing evil things like OOOOOOOOO U GOT A B..... U IDIOT

powerful - they fill this one nicely, actually. They make me feel very, very intelligent, if only because they are very, very stupid.

reassured, safe - nope. Scared of what they might do at any turn.

treated fairly - Double standards! Double standards everywhere!

trusted - see believed in.

understanding - I will never understand them. Nor do I really want to know how they think.

what i would say if i were ur shrink is to actually list the things u love about the characters u create. then try to list your umet emotional needs from that.*

> OK.
> There are four main characters, J, T, and S (good) and A (evil). There are
> also two others who I haven't fully fleshed out in my mind yet, I will call
> them 1 and 0, who are kind of neutral-leaning-good but were responsible in
> part for A becoming evil.
> Good and evil being relative titles of course, but I side with who I side
> with (yay tautology!) and I think probably most readers would do the same.
> I'm going to try to include as little specific plot info as possible, and
> just focus on the characters.
> 1. J, T, S, 1, 0 are interesting. They have idiosyncrasies, but not ones
> that get on your nerves. They aren't cookie cutters, in short. And it's
> possible to carry on a conversation with them even if you're the most
> boring person in the universe (me).

> 2. I'm not going to lie, T is extremely hot. We're talking molten tungsten
> here.

> 3. J, T, S, A, and 1 are extremely intelligent, far more intelligent than I
> am, including the villain who I have even sympathized with at times. They
> could probably explain one of the more self-contradictory episodes of
> Doctor Who without me being able to find any plot holes.

> 4. They don't step down from anything and only answer to one another,
> mostly in the groups (J,T,S) and (1,0) because they are very, very close
> knit. A answers to no-one, not even physics half of the time.

> 5. They largely live apart from mainstream society, although J, T and 1
> grew up in it.

> 6. J, T, S, 1, and 0 share a lot of values and beliefs with me.

> 7. J, S, and 1 have a particularly bitter outlook on the human race, which
> I identify well with. Extremely sick? Yes, just like me. 1 because he has
> lived for many thousands of years, J because he is generally shunned (J and
> A are kind of the opposite halves of my personality). S because she
> accidentally caused a lot of the problems that J and 1 are upset about and
> that A takes advantage of. Also she... kind of... saw the worst universe
> imaginable and was very... affected by it.

> 8. J and T especially (and maybe 0) are immensely perceptive. Were I to
> meet them, I would need to only exchange glances with them for them to
> understand the gist of my life, and because of #6 this would probably
> warrant a few hugs having never met them before. Continuing from that and
> also #3, they would not be difficult to communicate with. They would find
> it easy to "shift gears" between talking to people with different core
> beliefs. Were it not for their short tempers they could mediate
> negotiations and prevent any war to ever have happened.

> 9. I have drawings of them which I talk to when I am mad. Or kiss them or
> stroke them when I am lonely or sad or drained or even just bored. And
> sometimes I leave them next to me while I'm working on something, and this
> gives me some motivation. And this helps. They're better listeners than
> stuffed animals are.
> (Curiously, I've noticed that only the females smile in my drawings. Freud
> would have a field day with that, if he could get close enough to my house
> without me reminding him he was dead.)

> 10. They have no musical or athletic talent at all! And they're so amazing
> in spite of this I almost don't hate myself sometimes.
> And probably more things but those are the big points.

> No idea how that translates into emotional needs other than "I need
> someone(s) who understands my point of view and also fulfills all that
> other stuff above."
> Hoping this helps (& hugs)
> AH

*tears.. I am crying a little now.. i say to myself 'he is too fucking smart"
it hurts me that i can hardly keep up with him/his brain. his needs.
i cant do much to fill many of his needs... maybe i will ask him to list the needs again and tell me which ones i help with. i suppose he feels acknowledged, a bit valued, cared about... i really dont know. but i feel very very sad like 9 that i cant be of more help. the biggest help i can imagine would be to hand him a key to unlock his cell. and hand him a paper giving him access to a trust fund which would take care of his financial needs.. for.. im not sure how long.. i have mixed feelings about that.. for x years? till he is x years old? but wait. what does age have to do with it?

how valuable is he/his mind right now? at 16? does he have the potential right now to "earn a living" -- i dont like the sound of those words as they apply to him or maybe to me.. not sure how much of me i see in him.. i see more of me in daniel mackler... al seems.. just... too smart. (not saying daniel isnt ha ha)

but idk.. hard to explain and i feel rushed for time...

so im gonna post this as is now. sh - oct 16, 2013

- one thing i will say is that i feel a bit hopeful that i am at least being what alice miller calls an xx link enlightened witness for al.